An Alice Mother’s Day Special

I know.  You’re shocked.  Here it is, another holiday, and here I am with another post.  What are the odds?  Just be happy that I don’t make a post for every holiday out there.  There are TONS of random, stupid holidays made up by people every day.  My coworker discovered a site full of them.  For instance, we’ve already had numerous holidays this month including Star Wars Day (May 4), Lost Sock Memorial Day (May 9), and Eat What You Want Day (May 11).  I celebrate these days regularly, and you should too.  I bet you didn’t even buy a CARD for Star Wars Day, did you?  I know a storm trooper who will be extremely disappointed in you.

Where the BLEEP is my card?

Where the BLEEP is my card?

But most people remember Mother’s Day, for one major reason: guilt.  For once, the shoe is on the other foot, children.  Mothers are made to feel guilty from the time that stick turns pink (and even before, hence the popular plea why haven’t you had babies yet???).  You didn’t have a natural birth, you didn’t breastfeed, you put your child in daycare, you stayed home with your child but did not provide him with Baby Bach and routine trips to the museum, you didn’t make your child’s baby food from scratch, you didn’t wear your child like a coat, you didn’t write down every one of your baby’s accomplishments in a book or worse you did it for one kid and forgot the other, you didn’t homeschool, you let your kid watch T.V., play video games, and eat fake cheese product and even if you did all the right things and none of the wrong things that just makes other moms hate you.

Watch the Mommy Wars, coming soon to TLC

Watch the Mommy Wars, coming soon to TLC

There is no winning for moms.  But we have a day, you guys, one day that is all about us, where people recognize our greatness with cards, flowers, and maybe even a trip out to eat at some fine establishment like Hooters.  If your child is younger, he or she might make you a homemade card.  The card will say sweet things like “I like my mom because she smells like oranges.” And there will be a little hand print.  And you’ll say aw, that is so sweet and you will intend to put it in a frame somewhere but then forget and lose it and feel guilty forever and wonder why did those teachers have them make cards do they have no decency?

Okay, so where's my baby book, Mom?  Mom?

Okay, so where’s my baby book, Mom? Mom?

But I usually tell you about the origins of these holidays, don’t I?  This time I looked it up, I really did, on the History Channel, where history is made today so they can show reality shows about loggers (Ax Men – it’s like it’s something cool, but it’s not!)  Mother’s Day (at least the one in America and let’s face it the American one is the only one that counts amIright?) was invented by Anna Jarvis who I should point out not never married or had kids herself.  She thought American holidays were biased towards the achievements of men (who’d a thought?), so she wanted a holiday on the calendar about women and their achievements.  Namely producing a human out of your body and raising it without killing it.  Pretty big deal.

I can make my own humans!  Yay, me.

I can make my own humans! Yay, me.

She got her way.  But then the merchandisers caught hold of it.  Soon it was all about buying cards, flowers, and other crap, more than it was about actually say, seeing your mom and saying hey thanks for popping me out of your uterus and supporting me until I was the legal age you could get me out.  Poor Anna.  By the time she died, she’d already denounced the holiday and tried to get it removed from the calendar.  The road to Hell is paved in good intentions, dear Anna, and thanks to you we now have this stupid holiday.  I say stupid, even though I partially benefit, because it isn’t just about me.  I mean, I have a mom and my husband has a mom and we have to get them stuff too.  And then there’s those who have lost their mothers, so this holiday gets to remind them of that and feel crappy while people who aren’t jerks buy their mothers gifts.  Just all around fun.

But hey, at least you might get to go out and eat at one of these lovely dining establishments with your whole family.  Which makes the whole thing worth it.

Family Dining Fun!

Family Dining Fun!

35 responses

  1. Oh my dear Alice such a cynical post 😉 which had me in hysterics at dining at Hooters…regardless it was funny and in your usual style you laid it on the line.
    Yes, I think the majority of us have written on Mother’s Day (mine being a tad more) no I won’t tell. I hope Mother’s Day is good to you and I hope you get to smell of oranges 🙂

    1. I admit I did not know about the great option of Hooters dining on Mother’s Day until reading Speaker 7’s awesome post. I can’t imagine anywhere else I’d want to go! Also, the oranges comment came from a card my friend’s son wrote for when he was little. I thought it was hilarious.

      1. sooo tongue in cheek… 😉
        oh yes I am sure if there were any here (don’t know if they have hit Aussie land as yet) I will be booking in for next year. Amazing how a child thinks at times ..but oranges are nice so fair play to him.

  2. What the bleep is a baby book? Is this something I was suppose to do? Can I make a toddler book? Oh crap on a stick. I’m just going to bury my face in a plate of Hooter wings and forget it all.

    1. Could be worse. I was stupid enough to make a scrapbook for Thing One (dear GOD I was bored the short time I was a SAHM) and then I had Thing Two and was out of my mind with two of them. So I started one and never finished it. She also doesn’t have nearly as many pictures as Thing One. Sometimes I say, um, sure that baby pic is you! I am truly Mom of the Year.

  3. I read the article about Hooters trying to get more mothers to visit their fine establishment. Um, yeah, good luck with that guys…

    Happy Mother’s Day! (Whether you like it or not. 😉 )

    1. I hadn’t read the article yet, just the post on it but . . . wow . . . the brilliance is staggering. I can only guess they think children will identify with the women with full breasts as dinner and thus be comforted and the moms will be going awww. Or something?

      1. Yeah, it’s safe to say Hooters is NOT where I want to take my teenage sons for dinner. But throw in Daniel Craig as a waiter, and we’ll talk…

        1. Oh, me too. I’d like a restaurant where the guys serve you in jeans and tight white T-shirts and they all look like Marlon Brando when he was so young and hot. I would order almost anything from young Marlon Brando.

  4. Mothers day was quite a while ago here. Maybe I should moan at my other half so I get the chance to chill out with no questions asked for another day this year 😉

    1. I know I would. Not that I’ve chilled out more than I do most days. I am slightly more sluggish I think.

  5. I think Anna whatshername stole the idea from us Brits in the first place anyway. We have had Mothers’ Day/Mothering Sunday celebrated on the 4th Sunday in Lent since forever. It dates back to people going to their “mother” church (ie the nearest Cathedral) and also to when girls were in service with the rich family in the next village being given a day off to go see their families and they’d pick wild flowers as they walked there to give to their mums.

    I have a friend who’s currently living in the USA and she’s said that when they have kids, they’re going to celebrate both occurances of Mothers’ Day!

    1. We Americans are great at stealing ideas that BECOME OURS ALL OURS LOOK AT WHAT WE INVENTED WORLD! I like how sweet the rich families were to let the girls off for one day to visit their families. Oh, right, I DO have a mother, ohhh, here’s some flowers. Well, at least they gave them one day which is more than a lot of employers do now. Wait I got sad, now i need to pick some fake flowers from Wal-Mart so I don’t sneeze because allergies and SADFACE.

      Sorry about that. I think you should celebrate every occurence of Mother’s Day as well as every holiday on the site I mentioned. Oh, and get this – my daughter’s buddy said she MADE her mother a mom, so her job was done. Apparently she crawled out of the birth canal all on her own.

      1. I think the economy is in the toilet enough as it is without us making every day a holiday too!!

        Funny how we never used to have allergies when we lived a much simpler life before the rise of things like the motorcar. Of course we also didn’t live as long and we probably had a far higher rate of death in childbirth and so on, so it’s all swings and roundabouts!

  6. Ha!! You got me with this one….everything is so perfect. But we do have a day, do we not?! My kid told me in his card to me that I want to go to Scotland. I don’t know where he got that idea. My little one did I say I was pretty. Got to love that. I hope you had a fabulous Mommy Day!!

    1. Lol, so you want to go to Scotland huh? Thing Two had a card where you could check off all the things your mom was. She checked lots of great things but left off energetic. Well, okay, she’s right on that one. I hope you had a fab day too!

  7. Alice,
    I did NOT give you consent to use my likeness in this post. Furthermore, Star Wars should be celebrated every day. Please stop failing.
    Blunt Life Coach™

    1. Blunt Life Coach

      But you’re so pretty.


      1. Alice,
        Be that as it may, I still did not consent.
        Blunt Life Couch™

        1. BLC

          Did you realize Lucas has been making millions off your mug? I would sue.


          1. Alice,
            He created me. You did not.
            Blunt Life Coach™

        2. Blunt Life COUCH?? Keyboard ganging up on you, BLC? Or is it autocorrect at fault?

          1. Hahaha! I didn’t even NOTICE that. Good eye, faith! I can’t wait to ask the Blunt Life Couch some questions. Maybe I can sit on him while I do so. 😀

          2. I’m pretty good at noticing these sorts of typos (although I’m not guaranteed to spot them all). Maybe a Blunt Life Couch is what psychiatrists have in their offices?

          3. Faith,
            Alice must have edited my comment to make me look a buffoon. She shall rue that.
            Blunt Life Coach™

          4. Blunt Life Coach™
            Alice claims otherwise. Do you think it’s possible that TwinDaddy interfered instead?

          5. Faith,
            That pathetic ignoramus might have edited it, too. They shall both rue this. I plot their demise.
            Blunt Life Coach™

  8. I am going to have to send this post on to my wife. I think she would have written something very similar. She has given up asking for much so this year she referred to Mothers Day as “I sleep in and Thomas is my slave day”. Over all she said she had a pretty good one this year. Funny you mentioned Hooters. I got off of work on Friday and burst out laughing when I heard the ad for them saying moms eat free…
    “Hey this is totally for you hunny, I totally won’t stare ate women’s chests all night and get so smashed that you have to drive us home and put the kids to bed.”

    1. I like the idea of a slave day. Even better, a couple of times I had my husband take the kids to his parents for the weekend and I had the house to myself. Mother’s Day without a family. WOOOT.

      Hooters is a family-friendly restaurant. Boobs = nourishment. I guess that’s their thinking?

      1. Ha! You should as a marketer for Hooters that’s cleaver. Yeah i think next year I may just leave the whole house to Joyce. I would have done that this year but our daughter still needs the mommy boob, she hates bottles.

        1. I only gave mine the bottles – mean mean mommy.

  9. The Hooters promotion might actually work out here. There are plenty of cheap people and the food is better looking than the majority of the staff serving it.

    1. Arizona, hmm, yeah I could see that flying out there. Anything to get out of the heat.

  10. This post was hilarious! But I hope you had a really great Mother’s Day anyway Alice 🙂

    Tomorrow is National Chocolate Chip Day!

    1. I love all these new holidays. I don’t understand why we don’t get them off – man, we’d never have to go to work.

      I bet Congress takes Chocolate Chip Day off.

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