Bambi’s Diary: A 50 Shades Parody

Monday

Dear Diary,

Hi! My name is E.L. Ja . . . Bambi Vagina.  I’m just your average stunningly beautiful 21-year-old college student in China studying to become a veterinarian.  I’ve always loved kids, so it seemed like such a cute idea to cut them up!  I live in this totally awesome apartment that is like better than anything you will ever live in so I don’t have to describe it.  Think sandstone.  There’s a lot of that.  Bricks too.

Hi it's ME, Bambi!

Hi it’s ME, Bambi!

My roommate is Kimberly Kardishipan and she is just so annoying cause like she lets me mooch off her but doesn’t appreciate it.  Today I have to do some stupid interview thingy with this really hot rich guy cause she went and got sick.  I told her not to eat Taco Bell. My life is so HARD.

I drove to his work in my car that is so hipster cause it’s old, right, but I love it cause I’m trendy and quirky. So this guy, his name is Richard Head, he’s really super rich and hot and works in this big building where he makes lots of money doing nothing.  I think he’s like a congressman or something.  Who cares?  He’s hot.  Remember that.

So I got to his work and there was this big sign that said Head Douchebag Incorporated Esquire and I was super impressed and you should be too.  There was sandstone here too.  Sandstone is big in China.  He had secretaries that were blond which is kinda funny on Chinese people but whatever we’re talking about me here.

Head Douchebag Enterprises Esquire

Head Douchebag Incorporated Esquire

I walked into his office and “tripped” so that I showed my butt.  This is a great way to meet guys.  Kimberly Kardishipan gave me all these dumb questions to ask but he wanted to ask questions like where I lived and worked and my credit score and my social security number and my bra size and if I was into dungeons and being chained up and stuff.  Then he offered me a job.  This stuff happens to me ALL THE TIME.  Sigh.

I already have a job and they told me I had to come in if I want to get paid.  Ugh.  I work at a hardware store.  Isn’t that quirky?  A girl – in a hardware store?  There’s like hammers here – I don’t get it.  My life is SO HARD. Well, guess what you will never guess!  Richard Head came to my workplace.  How did he figure that out?  He is super hot AND smart.  ZOMG.

Richard "Dick" Head Check out his pink tie I hope he ties me up in it soon!

Richard “Dick” Head
Check out his pink tie I hope he ties me up in it soon!

He asked for lime and a shovel and duct tape and rat poison and the other guys I worked with were super jealous cause everyone wants to have sex with me.  It’s such a pain.  They should know I’m super busy sleeping with my professors, I mean, gawd.  So he spoke all creepy to me which really makes my motor run – get it?  I said motor, and I’m in a hardware store!  He bought that totally normal stuff and left in his helicopter.

Tuesday

Dear Diary,

Mr Richard Head asked me out for coffee at this pub in China!  It was a really trendy place and they spoke American which is so much easier than when they do that chitter chatter stuff.  He said I should call him “Dick” cause everyone else does so I said he could call me Bambi cause that’s my name and people call me that.  Then he saved me from a Kamakazi jet plane by staring at it really hard and making it explode.  It was way cool.  Those Kamakazis.  They’re everywhere.  Cause it’s China.

The pub in China! I can see my house from here!

The pub in China!
I can see my house from here!

I figured he would kiss me then but he didn’t.  So I got sadfaced and drunkfaced with Kimberly Kardashipan at this other pub in Chinatown.  My friend I string along pawed at me and Dick popped up.  Dick Head, you guys.  He was SO MAD that I went out with friends and got drunkies!  Oh, oh.

Wednesday

Dear Diary,

I woke up this morning in Dick Head’s bed in his way big fancy super special dream house and he gave me Advil which only hot rich people take.  And orange juice he squeezed with his own thighs.  He is AMAZING but what does he see in sexy, gorgeous me?

Dick's place is SO big and sophisticated!

Dick’s place is SO big and sophisticated!

I learned so much.  Like that Dick is really Batman.  I believe him cause he totally has his own Bat Cave with whips and chains, just like the real Batman.  He took my pants off but it’s okay cause it was for science, he said.  Then he started talking about me signing a contract to be his total sex slave and I got all woozy cause wow business talk is so bo-ring.  But I guess it’s hard to find a date when you’re solving crime at night.

He got the contract off the internet so it was legit enough for me.  It asked me to promise my soul and sign in blood which was kinda weird but at least I didn’t have to find a pen and I wasn’t really using my soul anyhoo.  Once that was all over with he said we could have the sex and I told him I was a virgin cause I am.  I mean except for all the sex I had.

It was so hot!  He totally pulverized my “down there” with his Batman super powers!  I zonked for a while and woke up and he was playing his xylophone and you guys – his cape hung “that way”.  It was way hot.

Thursday

Dear Diary,

Had lots of fun with Batman, shhh, I mean Dick Head.  We scuba dived in his bathtub which is big as a swimming pool and has real sharks.  I also gave him a BBJ (Bat Blow Job) and he was impressed since it was my first time and it was except for all those other times.  He is so hot and sexy and hot and he’s a little bossy but I guess that comes from fighting crime.  Also I learned that his mom was a crack ho and his dad was an emperor and they were both gunned down by this Joker guy in an alley one night.  So sad.  But then he had to go to work at his super important job.

My man at work.  He is SO HOT.

My man at work. He is SO HOT.

He gave me stuff cause he’s so rich with all the money he got from his parents biting it and all.  Like one gift was this strange thing he called a laptop, which I thought was a kind of dance but nope, it’s a computer!  And it has this thing called email.  Far out.

Friday

Dear Diary,

There was this graduation thing which was weird cause I’d totally forgotten I was going to school. But get this – it says on my diploma I can only cut up cats, not kids.  Who knew?

Dick tells me I have to do everything he says cause he’s the Batman and the Batman knows best.  Also if I leave he’ll have to kill me cause I know so much.  Makes sense.  Also, he needs practice for when he fights the bad guys, so sometimes I help him out with that by playing the bad guy.  I stand there while he tests his super weapons like the bat flogger and the bat plug on me.  It’s hot.

Batcuffs

Batcuffs

Guess what else?  I think I might be a super hero too because I have all these other personalities.  I think I’m gonna go with “Subconscious Goddess Twit” for a super hero name.  What do you think?

Saturday

Dear Diary,

I just realized Dick Head is not who he says he is.  He’s not the Batman – he’s a super villain named The Riddler and wears this weird spandex outfit with punctuation marks all over it.  But it’s okay, because he’s out of Arkham now and he’s just misunderstood and I’m sure with my love he will be totally reformed.

My man is always very subtle.

My man is always very subtle.

Tonight he’s having a party and inviting his friends over.  This should be fun.  I wonder if I should make some Chinese coffee or just order some Chinese food.  Cause they make that here, you know.

Sunday

Dear Diary,

That was NOT a fun party.  Super villains are not very nice.  They hung me from a rope over the pool with sharks while they ate their bean dip and laughed evilly.  Then they smacked me with a bat like a piñata.  Uncool.  I decided I didn’t care if Dick is rich, I am so OVER him and his money and his hotness.  I mean, that spandex, wow.  No, no, I am better than this.

So I left him, I did, and then I cried and cried cause even though he’s a super villain, he’s really, really hot.  Sigh.

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46 responses

  1. This was brilliant. There’s a sequel where she goes back to him, right? Because this is one of those timeless love stories where the characters are just perfect for each other.

    “Those Kamakazis. They’re everywhere. Cause it’s China.” — comedy gold.

    1. They are perfect for each other, that’s for sure. I figured since James wrote about America while knowing nothing about it, I’d write about China while knowing nothing about it. Except I’m pretty sure the Kamakazis were in Japan. In WWII. Bambi’s not so bright – like someone else we know!

  2. Isn’t Dickhead just so DEEP and badass? Seriously, you are a legend. Can’t wait for part Ii.

    1. Thanks! I wonder what random crap I can fit into part 2. More super heroes? G.I. Joe? Stormtroopers? Rabid monkeys? Maybe I’ll put the ideas in a hat and pull them out. That must be how James writes.

      1. As much as I love Dick Head, I think Bambi needs some other male friends. Maybe one could be a really hot Kamikaze pilot who’s always bragging about how many successful missions he’s flown. Oh — and here’s a twist you’d never think of — he turns out to be secretly in love with her!

  3. You. This. The best. Hilarious! I’m lost. What? Knock knock. I’m here. Who’s there?
    The orange in between your thighs.

    1. Good one! I don’t know if you’ve read the books, but the with the amount of time she spends describing orange juice, you’d think she was getting paid off by Tropicana.

  4. I think I’ve met Dick Head before…

    1. Haven’t we all? They are especially prevalent in politics and CEOs.

      1. And religion. And work. And at the grocery store. And behind the wheel.

        1. I see dick heads. They’re everwhere. They don’t even know they’re dick heads.

          1. Exactly!

    1. Thanks! I’m glad my twisted mind was of benefit. Barbie wants to sue me, though. Even she’s too good for this.

  5. Hahahaha! I laughed through the whole thing, Alice.
    This part I loved, “He totally pulverized my “down there” with his Batman super powers!” 😀

    1. I’m sure Batman could do that, though not as well as Superman. That might be really painful what with him being the man of steel and all. And then there’s The Flash and talk about wham, bam, thank you mam. Sheesh.

      1. Haha!
        And the Green Lantern might pass out if she was wearing yellow underwear.

        1. Imagine the things you could do with plastic man, though.

    2. Come one!!!
      That’s also my favorite line!!!
      Brilliant Alice.

  6. That was brilliant, and actually made me wish that I had read 50 Shades. I better snap out of it, before I get sucked into the grey.

    1. You should snap out of it for sure. Make a top ten about why you shouldn’t read 50 Shades. Then read more about Bambi and Dick Head. I can see them going places. Like China.

      1. I don’t think I could write a decent list of reasons why I don’t read 50 Shades without doing preliminary research, and it’s the research part that scares me.

        1. If you want it anything like 50 Shades, you definitely want to avoid research.

  7. Omg Alice. Bwahahaha. This was the funniest thing I’ve read in a long while 😀 Like, totally a long time. Totes. A long time. Zomg, this story was hot.

    1. Like, thanks and stuff! I totally can’t believe nobody has noticed the Riddler’s sexiness yet . . . zomg.

  8. oh dear god I’m still laughing. perfect for this morning.
    ‘He asked for lime and a shovel and duct tape and rat poison and the other guys I worked with were super jealous cause everyone wants to have sex with me.’
    holy crap batman! this was my fave.
    Many thanks for your surreal superhero bash 😉

    1. You’re welcome! I’m glad my degrees could be put to good use. My mom would be so proud!

  9. Wonderful! I’d be laughing out loud only there are probably Sisters sleeping around here somewhere, so I settled to just snigger instead.

    It’s not just your words, it’s how you find the perfect images to go with them as well! You’ve got serious talent for taking the mickey, Alice.

    1. Thanks. Sometimes I take more time finding the pictures than I do writing. A lot of time I do that, which probably shows. I’ve also found picture recycling a lot of fun too. I can think of a million more ways to use that one shot of Batman and Robin. Waste not, want not!

      1. Why do I have a feeling we’re going to get a Batman 50 Shades parody now?

        1. Or Twilight – with super heroes! Sparkly super heroes!

          1. Let me guess. Batman & Robin will have to take down a villain in a glitter factory…

          2. Instead of falling into a vat of nuclear waste, the Joker fell into a vat of glitter and became Sparkle Man and was so embarrassed he turned to a life of crime!

          3. Because back then the internet hadn’t been invented and he needed something to do as he could only go out at night, to avoid sparkling in the sun. Or he moved to Forks to pretend to be a vampire and to “inspire” the Twilight saga..

  10. Reblogged this on Fifty Shades of Tribute – Sasha Cameron and commented:
    She is funny, she is irreverent, she is Wonder Alice!! She also has a seriously cool blogging award for risking brain damage by reading FSoG. This means that I don’t want to like her but….I really do. 🙂

  11. I’m happy that this was written in American, cause English is sooo boring! OMG!

    Also, Bambi sounds amazing: she’s smart, and funny, and pretty, and plastic, and stuff.

    1. Yes, and she’s totally original. I made her up all by myself. I also made up Barbie. And Mattel.

  12. Thanks. The local English-language mag here asked me to review 50 Shades of, and I’ve been calling in sick for a month. There is plenty of useful material here, now I can fake it. I’ll probably get paid in this colorful fake money with big numbers on it, but it’s better than the real bananas they usually pay me with. Pure monkey business.
    Later…

    1. Pretty easy to fake. She repeats herself more than Dora the Explorer. It’s almost hard to do a parody when the actual book is practically a parody . . .

  13. […] installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read.  Now we continue . . […]

  14. This is all I’ve ever wanted in fiction. Thank you!

    1. You’re welcome. James could have condensed her books into something that short. She had to pad, pad, pad the book to get to the part that had more padding.

      1. Yuck yuck yuck

  15. […] Then, they jumped again and found themeselves in a store the likes of which neither man had seen before.  An attractive blonde, wearing far too little clothing to be seen in public was talking with a man who seemed to be purchasing what Matticus and Revis immediately recognized as the tools for dark deeds. […]

  16. I’m in class and I nearly burst out laughing, in class!

    1. So glad I made you laugh!

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