Yes, Virginia, there is Devil Yoga

I have to thank List of X for this post.  He sent me a link to an article about a politician who thinks Yoga could “open individuals to Satan”.  That’s good, because you know how much Satan hates picking locks.  Haha, yeah I’m not kidding. In fact here’s the link.  It gets better.  This guy, E.W. Jackson, is actually the Virginia GOP candidate for lieutenant governor.

photo courtesy of politico.com and Satan

photo courtesy of politico.com and Satan

Let me take this moment, Virginians, to thank you for temporarily taking the place of Texas as stupidest state in the union.

I have to hand it to this guy.  He does insane really well.  So much so that quotes from his book (yes of course he wrote a book) Ten Commandments to an Extraordinary Life were pasted up on the conservative website The National Review.  When The National Review makes fun of you, that’s a bad sign, man.

Still, I thank him, because without him, I would still be ignorant of the Truth about Yoga.  Jackson says you should beware of “emptying yourself” with yoga.  I don’t think I’ve ever emptied myself with yoga. That sounds rather unsanitary.  Still, he warns against this because Satan “is happy to invade the empty vacuum of your soul and possess it.”  I think you’re a little confused there, buddy.  It’s not your soul that’s the empty vacuum, it’s your brain.

Beware: the Noo Noo will suck your soul.

Beware: the Noo Noo will suck your soul.

He adds “this is why people serve Satan without ever knowing it or deciding to.”  Really?  Does this mean I could be serving Satan right now?  With my Downward Dog?  Hey, Satan, check out my butt!

Jackson also thinks that “most people are dead spirits.”  That would be the voting public, right?  He might have a point there, especially if they vote for him.  I was intrigued by Mr. Jackson, so followed the link back to The National Review where Betsy Woodruff took delight in posting up these tidbits from this amazing book.  Thanks, Betsy, cause there’s even more fun to be had here.

He warns us that the end times are near, and I believe he might be right because he both managed to write a book and run for political office.  But a few more things have to happen first.  In his words “Part of what must happen during this period of great harvest for the kingdom of God is a massive wealth transfer. It is not going to happen by theft or governmental policy. It is going to happen supernaturally. Those invested in God’s market are going to reap a windfall. Make up your mind now to buy in.”

Benjamins from Heaven!

Benjamins from Heaven!

Wow.  I am excited, yet confused.  I mean, I certainly want to rake in the dough as it sayeth in the Bible, but I didn’t realize we could buy stock in God.  When is this wealth transfer taking place?  Silly me, I thought it already had, as 1 percent of our nation holds the majority of the wealth already.  Maybe he means that this wealth is going to be transferred to us poor people?  This makes sense, really, if you consider the Rapture.  Since so many wealthy people also believe themselves God’s elite, then maybe when they are yanked up into Heaven, all this money will just be layin’ around for us.  Don’t forget they’ll be leaving their Ralph Lauren duds as well.  We are going to be rich and stylin’, folks.

Satan, get thee behind me, cause I’m waitin’ for my windfall.  While you’re back there, can you tell me if my butt looks big in these yoga pants?

Alice

P.S. And another thing, Satan.  Please explain to me Mr. E.W. Jackson, because I’m fairly sure you have something to do with this moron.

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37 responses

  1. Well, now I’m confused. I’d like to invest in God, but I’m agnostic and all the financial advice I’ve ever seen says to diversify. Is there a mutual fund somewhere that invests in God, the Flying Spaghetti Monster, and a selection of deities from polytheistic religions?

    1. It’s always a good idea to hedge your bets, I think. Sort of like picking colleges. That way if you don’t make it into say, Heaven, maybe you’ll have a shot at the Elysian Fields or maybe Valhalla.

  2. Hmm, Satan is behind yoga. Is that why I dread doing it so much? Makes perfect sense…

    I think I’ve heard everything now. So lovely to see people like this are running for office. You enticed me away from my summer blog break with this one. Well done. 🙂

    1. I enticed you? Great, my yoga pact with Satan is working already.

      1. Haha! Yes, it seems to be!

  3. Here I thought Bert was Satan all this time…

    1. Satan comes in many forms. Even puppets.

      1. What a scary world…

        1. There is a devil puppet at the church my kids attend. He shoots them with silly string. That puppet scares me. Like a demonic Elmo.

          1. I need that puppet. Wanna break into your church and steal it?

          2. Funny story. Thieves broke into the church van once and stole a bag from the back seat. A bag filled with Sunday school puppets. Good luck selling those to a pawn shop, buddy.

          3. I would totally keep the Satan puppet. Never sell it in a million years.

  4. I did Yoga a bit back in college. Does that mean I’m a slave to Satan? AWESOME! I’ve always wondered why I take such joy in blasphemy, indolence, wrath, drunkenness, gluttony, lust, etc. Now it all makes sense! And it’s all so fucking cool at the same time!

    Thanks, Mr Jackson! Best. Friday. Ever.

    1. It’s a path to the dark side, alright. I’m fairly sure that’s what happened to Darth Vader. Anakin decided to try just one downward dog and then BAM, he’s a Sith.

      1. If I had known evil was so easy I would have gotten on board sooner.

  5. You know, there’s idiots on the left and right, but for some reason the idiots on the right don’t seem to mind that what they’re saying is totally fucking stupid. If Satan is behind anything, he’s behind EL James, Stephanie Meier (or however the hell you spell it), Justin Bieber, and spanx.

    1. I don’t think they even understand that what they’re saying is fucking stupid. Maybe because they scarily have a lot of people agree with them? I know there are intelligent conservatives out there, but right now they’re getting drowned out by the whackjobs.

      I agree, Satan has some ‘splain’ to do when it comes to those people.

      1. Indeed. And, yes, the smart conservatives need to come out of hiding. They are all being branded idiots by the stupid people who are put in front of microphones and/or journalists. Ugh. I hate stupidity.

  6. Alas, my poor Commonwealth, that it has come to this. To really give you an idea of how out there this guy is, look up some of the things that have been said by the GOP candidate for governor, Ken Cuccinelli (known by some as “The Cootch”), and then allow me to point out that Mr. Cuccinelli has all but disavowed Mr. jackson for being too out there.

    And yet Terry McAuliffe still only has a 5 point lead. You want to know why the intelligent conservatives are being drowned out? Because there’s no price to be paid for nominating idiots.

    1. I looked him up. WTF. I’m actually glad to live in Texas now, and we’ve got that idiot Rick Perry.

  7. Oh people and the things they put in a book – that get published… I assumed the breathing behind me last night at Yoga was the guy standing there – but it must have been Satan….I was hoping he’d tweak my bottom.

    1. Beware – bottom tweaking is a slipperly slope to the bowels of Hell.

  8. I knew that there was a reason to avoid yoga and, thanks to E.W. Jackson, I now have one.

    I looked up his book on Amazon.com and found the cover page has commandments spelled as ‘comandments.’ Hmmm…

  9. Laughed. Out. Loud! I’m temporarily ignoring the fact that this is further proof a truly messed up system and just enjoying the silliness of it all on this lovely Friday.

    1. You have to wonder about this guy – what’s it like in his head? Does he hear little jingly bells? Does God command him to eat at Taco Bell?

  10. Geez, politicians are stupid. When are they going to learn to shut their traps?

    1. When we stop voting for them. With all the stupid people out there, I figure we’ll have Satan start leading yoga workshops first.

  11. Personally, yoga scares me more than Satan. At least I know that yoga is real. But E.W.Jackson and people like him scare me more than yoga and Satan combined.

    1. Most of the GOP and all of the Tea baggers scare me more than yoga and Satan combined.

      1. There is one other shocking thing I’ve noticed when I read the post, but forgot about by the time I came to comment hours later (that’s how I do my reading and commenting on weekdays)… E.W.Jackson supports wealth redistribution over hard work!!!

  12. I suspect, to get to such low levels of intelligence, that his family have “kept it in the family” for the last few generations, with cousins marrying cousins etc. That’s the only way I can imagine such stupidity.

    Although if there’s wealth to be re-distributed, we won’t complain at being given the money to build a new Priory (given that the current one does a good job at being freezing cold and draughty in winter, lets in the rain if the wind’s faster than about 1mph, and in certain parts of it like an oven in the summer). I suppose though in this bloke’s eyes, the very fact that the Sisters have taken vows puts us into the hands of Satan because of it being “Catholic”.

    1. Oh, yes, Catholics are necromancers, doncha know? We had some freaks on campus with giant signs chanting about how we would go to hell unless we were saved (by them? no thanks) and this college was a pit of depravity, that all gays were sinners, etc. They even had matching T shirts. They blocked the middle of campus so you had to walk through them. These weirdos actually handed out Chick Tracts. A girl called the cops and they just stood there since they weren’t being violent, see. Nevermind we’re on a secular campus. I bet if they’d been Islamic they’d have been scooted out of there faster than light, but I digress.

      My Catholic buddy stopped to talk to them and they informed him of the necromancy thing – he said, that’s raising the dead not worshipping it, at least get your magic right. Come to think of it, I should really do a post on that.

      1. I looked at that Chick bloke’s website for work purposes (some eejit had ordered one of his tracts because another eejit had somehow got them listed for sale on our site). I was afraid, very afraid. I don’t want people like that representing my faith! Which is probably the same thought that your average Muslim has when another extremist is on the news for blowing somewhere up.

        Apparently as well, Catholics saying the Rosary are making themselves open to demonic posession. The whole point of the Rosary (or any sort of repetitive prayer thingie) in Christianity ISN’T to clear the mind, but to FOCUS the mind on what you’re doing, ie praying. I know I find it helpful to use a Rosary some mornings for my quiet time, because if I didn’t, my brain would be off merrily writing blog posts instead of concentrating on the Almighty. Mentally, I’m a little too much Squirrel for anyone else to get a word in edge-ways… Although I suspect that the fundamental types (mental being the operative word) say that AD(H)D and so on are from the Devil…

  13. Those wicked postures must have been originated in hell, that’s for sure!!
    It baffles me that people like him writes books and they are SOLD, I mean, there’s people out there that actually buys that crap!
    I gotta start writing a book with made up shit and make a few bucks.
    It doesn’t surprise me his a politician, I mean, we had Dubya as reelected president.

    1. True. I love seeing the crazed right winger books with absolutely no sources cited. Or only their own sources cited. (Fox News says. . .) Of course this guy has the ultimate source – the Bible. Not that he actually read it, but it’s a source.

  14. Ha! Loved this post! And thanks for the reminder that Texas…well….let’s just say it would be better for everyone if Texas parted ways. (After I move from this state!)

    And, BTW, you look great in those yoga pants! 😉

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