Bambi’s Diary: a 50 Shades Parody (part two)

In case you missed the first installment of the love story between Bambi Vagina and Dick Head, and you hate yourself, click here to read.  Now we continue . . .

Wednesday

Bambi here.  SNIFF.  I am SO SAD since I broke up with Dick Head on Sunday.  Like, so sad there’s totally a vacuum in my head.  I mean heart.  And I am bereft which also means sad cause I looked it up in my thesaurus.  I had to look up thesaurus too – turns out it is not a dinosaur.  Anyhoo, those Holocaust guys have nothing on me because nobody has ever, ever suffered bouts of agony (thanks thesaurus!) like I have.  Click to enlarge unless you like have super vision like Dick!

I know, it's like, a book!

I know, it’s like, a book!

Even though I was SUFFERING, I still had to go to my new job.  I work at the Kibbles to Bits Veterinary Clinic.  My boss is named Frank N Stein.   He has such an evil laugh when he cuts open animals that I can’t help but think of Dick and his spandex and his super sex powers and then I must keen quietly which makes the dogs howl at me.  Bitches.

But then while I was playing Farmville on the company computer, I got an email!  Zomg it was Dick Head!  I said we couldn’t go out cause we broke up and I was going to see my ethnic friend Jesus’s finger paintings just as soon as I found a ride.  Guess what?  Dick Head said he’d drive me in the Batmobile!  I’m not sure how he got it since he’s not really Batman, but who cares?  Yay me!  I am on cloud ten.

But like Taylor Swift says, we are never, ever like getting back together.

Thursday

Dick Head and I are back together!  It was so romantical!  First we saw Jesus’s paintings (Psst he’s not the one from the Bible.  I was confused too) and Jesus tried to pee on me to claim his territory (I think it’s a Mexican thing) but Dick beat him to it!  You know what they say – golden showers bring May flowers!

After a night of passion in a giant vat of Jello, we went to a charity ball which is not a ball but a dance.  He did give me some balls, though, to stuff up my hoo ha.  He’s so sweet like that.  At the ball I got to meet Dr. Mindbender, who is like the shrink he had in Arkham.  Dr. Mindbender told me that Dick is not the Riddler pretending to be the Batman but actually Destro who pretends he is the Riddler who is thinks he is Batman.

My Dick is so - so shiny.  I like bright, shiny objects.

My Dick is so shiny. I like bright, shiny objects.

I was so confused the balls dropped out of my hoo ha and exploded.  Turns out they were vaginal bombs.  I didn’t know they made those.  He said he’s part of COBRA, a secret terrorist organization determined to rule the world.  Also that he bought the vet clinic where I work so he could control me.  I’m so confused.  I’m going to make a mixed tape and think about it tomorrow.

Friday

I am so upset!  Just found out that Dick’s ex girlfriend who is some Baroness from like California is trying to kill me.  I’m so scared.  I mean, what if Dick is still in love with her?  I’d be in a world of darkness again, like that time Kimberly Kardishipan accidentally locked me in the closet.

Nevermind the gun, she's PRETTY!

Dick’s ex. Nevermind the gun, she’s PRETTY!

I went to work to try and forget about my ANGUISH but Frank Stein was all huffy because I didn’t show up to work yesterday.  Also, I’m behind in my blow jobs.  I didn’t remember that being in the job description – I guess it’s part of that “and other duties as assigned.”

At least I get to text Dick at work.  He gave me this new iPhone (product like placement!) and we texted back and forth and back and forth.  Like this:

Dick: Wear r u?

Bambi: @work i wan 2 do u!

Dick: B rite ther k?

I was really excited about that text and waiting for Dick Head to show up but then it wasn’t him – it was, like, the Baroness!  She said “Hello Dahlink.”  Zomg it was terrible!  She was PRETTY!  But then Dick Head showed up and she ran away.  I was so scared Dick Head had to carry me home in a Baby Bjorn and sex me up a while with the batcuffs and the batflogger and some live cobras.  Then I was so comforted and we cuddled and fell asleep.

Move over, you baby.  That's my ride.

Move over, baby. That’s my ride.

Saturday

I, like, totally woke up with Dick Head after falling asleep with him last night!  He was all twisted around me like a snake.  Then I realized it WAS a snake – one of his pet cobras from last night.

He woke up when I screamed and then we got all excited so we DID IT again!  I love how Dick smells like Summer’s Eve and spandex and Dick.  He is so hot and I am SO in LOVE and my split personalities danced around like toddlers.

But I had to go to work even on a Saturday!  Like, so annoying!  Dick said it was too dangerous to go to work.  But I am totally an independent girl, just like Barbie, so I went anyway.

I'm a CAREER woman!  I cut up cats.

I’m a CAREER woman! I cut up cats.

It was kinda weird, cause there weren’t any customers or pets or anything, just Frank N Stein.  He wanted to put these little wires all over me and tie me to a table but I said NO cause only Dick Head can do experiments on me, I mean GAWD.  I went back to the apartment I share with Kimberly Kardishipan.  She’s totally off on vacation with Dick Head’s brother Shitt Head – I think he’s French or something.

But when I got inside there was the Baroness again!  Zomg she looked even hotter than before!  Also she had a gun!  She started talking all crazy like, saying Dick was a terrorist and would probably totally kill me so I should run away.  So she could get him herself I bet!  No way!

But like a good neighbor, Dick Head was there!  He said “Big Mac” and she just fell over.  Turns out – she was a robot!  From the future!  I am just so confused.  How did they make a robot so pretty?

Sunday

I am so ANGUISHED again.  Dick Head has his own robot, so why would he want me?  I was sad enough to go to work, even though it was still like the weekend.  Huh.

You know, there's something a little weird with Mr. Stein.

You know, I think there might be something a little weird with Mr. Stein.

Frank N Stein was alone again!  What were the chances?  This time he didn’t even talk to me, he just strapped me down to this table and started pulling these switches and knobs and I got a little worried cause I was wearing my Ralph Lauren dress and it’s totally short and might show my butt and only Dick gets to see my butt.  I texted Dick with my teeth (I’m good with my teeth).

Bambi: Hlp! Save me, k?

Dick: Bach Pad on – l8tr baby

Bambi: K. Tivo pls?

Frank N Stein put some thingys on my head and shot a bunch of electricity into my skull.  It was far out.  He said he wanted to make my synapses work, I think.  I asked “What are synapses” and he cried like a big baby.  When Dick Head came to save me, he was just sitting there saying “Why, why, why?”

Monday

Frank N Stein was totally fired so guess what?  I am now the head vet!  I did, like, surgery on this cat and removed some spongy thing – I don’t think it was important.  Later I couldn’t find my Iphone, but the cat kept ringing.

Dick picked me up and said he had somewhere special to take me!  Turned out it was the Fortress of Solitude which he said he got a good deal on when Superman left.  He says he wants it to be our house and then he proposed marriage to me!  Zomg!

I bet this cost Superman A LOT.  My house is so much better than yours.

I bet this cost Superman A LOT. My house is so much better than yours.

I like, totally want to marry Dick, but he’s like this terrorist who pretends he’s the Riddler who thinks he’s Batman.  I don’t have quite enough personalities to keep up with that.  What to do?  What to do?

Tuesday

Dick Head and I are, like, engaged!  I am SO happy I could pee!  He took apart the Baroness and shipped her back UPS and Frank ran away so he’s no worry anymore and Dick said he is totally quitting Cobra, that terrorist organization, and he’s not going to be a super villain anymore either.  He is CHANGED by my hoo-ha!  I mean love!

Stay tuned for my happy ever after, k?

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26 responses

  1. I knew those va jay jay balls were trouble…

    1. When in doubt, stick with a brush. But remember to douche afterwards.

  2. Haha!
    I need one of those Dictionaries.

        1. I’m trying to figure out if 50 Shades would have been easier if they had relentlessly texted instead of emailed. At least texts are shorter. Also I think they are more their speed.

          Ana: Christian u r so hot I luv u

          Christian: Ana i own u. Wan 2 beat sht out o u.

          Ana: k

  3. I feel really dumb right now.

    1. Even the parodies can suck out your brain cells.

      1. I can’t imagine how you plowed your way through writing this.

        1. Plowed is a very good description. It was like, what random thing can I add now? GI Joe. Of course.

          1. Lol. Knowing is half the battle.

  4. I have no idea what’s going on.

    1. You’re reading right along then, good!

  5. I’d like to take my cat to that vet clinic.

    1. You might come home with a free iPhone!

  6. I thought I was the only one who had the ‘cat cutter’ barbie

    1. I think that was the Barbie that also said “Math is hard.”

  7. My cat’s due for his shots, but now I’m afraid to take him to the vet.

    1. Just make sure Bambi’s not working.

  8. Oh dear goodness! This is worryingly far more interesting than the original. And it’s much, much better written too. Xx

    1. Thanks. It’s sad when you try to do a parody, but it’s actually no more ridiculous than the original.

      1. I think that statement says everything we need to know about the original…

  9. It didn’t really make much sense that the Baroness was American in the movie.

    1. The Baroness was American in the movie? What? Was she Baroness of California too? Those movies sound dumber and dumber the more I hear about them – and that’s after watching the cartoon as a kid. Now I have to watch those movies, of course.

      1. She was American and Duke’s former fiancee. She became a baroness via marriage.

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