How to Shop at Wal-Mart with the Voice in your Head

Look, there's an American flag and sunbeams? How can that be bad?

Look, there’s an American flag and sunbeams! How can that be bad?

How many people like to shop at Wal-Mart?  Show of hands!  Yeah, I thought so.  I know there are many lib’rals who would look down at me for shopping at Wal-Mart because they are, like, the Antichrist, but until there are more lib’ral shopping centers that offer prices that people in small towns can afford, they can shut the heck up. And this is coming from a lib’ral.  She happens to be a cheap lib’ral.  Cause she’s poor.  Good reason to be cheap.

Anyway, so we’re shopping at Wal-Mart (I know you do it when no one is looking you cannot resist that price on laundry detergent have you ever seen it so cheap I mean surely they don’t have the sweat shop children make laundry detergent, right???) which should be a simple thing to do. I mean, they have everything.  When you’re created by Satan, it’s easy to offer all variety of goods at discount prices.

Worship Evil.

Worship Evil.

But it’s not so simple when you have the voice in your head.  No, it’s not the kind of voice that tells me to jump off a cliff or go murder someone or just scream very loudly at nothing in particular or dance around like a toddler in a tutu.  This voice is just a big jerk.  It’s like Sad Pony when he’s really on his naughty sarcastic streak.  The big, heavy, obnoxious pony who sits in my head and smarts off while I’m shopping.  This is fun when to do while looking at ads for 1940s laxatives, but not so much when I’m trying to buy groceries.

Here’s an example.  I am shopping for food.  I’d like to be healthy, yet cheap, and also I’m rather picky (I do not like veggies.  Veggies are for communists. But I try to eat some anyway.)  So I think, hey, fruit is sweet but it’s good for you. Better than a candy bar anyway.  Fruit it is.  And so I’m looking at grapes and there goes Sad Pony.

Too many thoughts . . .must lay down.

You remember what happened the last time you bought grapes?

alicepig

I kept forgetting to eat them and they turned into shriveled prune things that sat in the fridge so long they started to become sentient.

Too many thoughts . . .must lay down.

Right. You wasted food. Shame, Alice.  You know there are starving children and ponies in other countries, right?

alicepig

I’d send them my grapes if I could.

Too many thoughts . . .must lay down.

Ha that was so not funny.  Don’t buy the grapes.

alicepig

But they are healthy. I’ll eat them this time.

Poor Pony. He might need to be shot soon.

No you won’t.  You suck, Alice.

This is basically how it goes, in my head. And God forbid there be the choice of more than one kind of grape.  Thing Two was once convinced that green grapes were the boys and purple grapes were the girls, or vice versa.  I usually get the purple because I like them better, so more than likely the green ones are better for me.  I don’t know.  At least there are, generally, only a few types of grapes.

Not like shampoo.  Dear God, have you shopped for shampoo lately?  Normally I go for cheap shampoo which means White Rain or Suave which you can get for less than a dollar sometimes.  Or the knock off brand of Head and Shoulders, cause you know I’m a total flake. You can get this for a dollar too, if you shop at the Dollar Tree where everything’s a dollar, though it’s fun occasionally to ask them how much stuff costs.  Don’t try it too often, though, or they might, justifiably, stab you to death with one of their .99 kitchen knives.

Hmm, I'm gonna ask the nice young man how much this card is, Mertle.

Hmm, I’m gonna ask the nice young man how much this card is, Mertle.

Today was different, though, because I have a newly minted teenager with hair from Hades.  I would complain more, but I’m fairly certain she inherited that thick, unruly mess from yours truly.  She’s been having trouble with tangles, by which I mean she has this enormous bird’s nest on the back of her head.  She’s going to read this and then write about it later in her tell all book.  I’ll be so proud. Anyway, someone told me that there was a special shampoo called “straightening” shampoo, that could knock out frizz and help with tangles.

I was all up in that stuff. So I decided to search for this shampoo.  They had it.  In about a thousand different brands.  I looked down both aisles for the first time in a while, since generally I head right for the .98 cent Suave (green apple!) and I’m out of there.  And Holy Crap there are so many different brands of shampoos and conditioners and gels and sprays, and each brand has at least ten different varieties, and each variety has ten different varieties of that variety, and so on.  My brain nearly exploded.  Clean up on Aisle 4.

They have to be freaking KIDDING me.

They have to be freaking KIDDING me.

So I wandered up, and down, and up and down picking up different products and reading the back labels.  From what I could tell, all of them were supposed to do the same thing for prices ranging from around three dollars to almost fifteen. Control frizz.  But how exactly were these shampoos supposed to do this?  What bizarre sort of chemicals were in these things? Did sweat shop children work in chemical factories creating shampoos all day so that my thirteen-year-old can have sleek, shiny hair?  Or at least hair that doesn’t balloon out like a 1970s afro, which is kind of odd on a little white girl?

I didn’t know, and I still don’t.  It would not surprise me if these hair product companies are fibbing just a bit and they all have exactly the same cleaning agents in them, and you’d do about as well just scrubbing your head with a bar of cheap Ivory soap.  But this was my child, and you know you do what’s best for your child, which is having her finally brush her hair before you lose your mind.  So I figured I’d cover all my bases.  I found Head and Shoulders shampoo with the anti-frizz crap in it and then some Vidal Sassoon (if she doesn’t look good, I don’t look good) cream junk to smear on it then comb out.  We are going to tackle this monster, by golly, or my name isn’t Alice.

Too many thoughts . . .must lay down.

Your name isn’t really Alice.

Oh, shut up, pony!

Oh, shut up, pony!

After I’d made my decision, I went and I got my groceries.  It was hard.  I wanted to drop my cart and run because suddenly Squirrel had decided to take up residence and he was all excited to get home and didn’t want to shop anymore or spend money he wanted to go home, but I shut him up too by dropping some groceries in the cart.  Boom!  Okay, a lunch item down.  Boom, there’s my weekly diet of sugary cola – maybe I dropped that a little too hard.  Boom, some fruit in little squeeze pouches that are really for small children but taste good, do not require spoons, and do not go bad like apples do.  Score.  Boom!  Before long, I was done and heading for the 20 items or less aisle.  A minute later a guy came up behind me with a newspaper.  I could have let him go first.  Pfft, yeah right.  No way, buddy.  I was done and OUT of there!

It wasn’t till I got home I remembered I forgot to go by and pick up my prescription.  Again.  Crap in a hat.

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96 responses

  1. Thank goodness for cheap shampoo, and Walmart. I never eat the grapes either, yet they call to me…Merbear…buy us..

    1. You know you’ll eat the cookies instead but buy us, buy us, buy us!

      1. We are healthy and yumtacular..

        1. Yumtacular. That is my new word for the day. Whenever anyone says it, I’ll scream.

          You know, I bet someone’s going to come out and say grapes are actually bad for you and you should just stick to Styrofoam instead.

          1. Sometimes they try to make it better by adding flavor – so it’s like cinnamon Styrofoam. Is Styrofoam really capitalized, because WP keeps putting squiggly lines under it if I don’t capitalize it.

          2. Did you not learn anything from Snarky’s post?

          3. Snarky only touched on commas. She gonna half two give moor gramma lessons. Your not gonna beleeve how’s many peeps done git gramma.

          4. I knoiw, its just awfl isnt it?

          5. Their jus nott as smarty as me and you is.

          6. Me and you is very edumacated.

          7. You has to ask “Is our children learning? Well, is they?” (I wish I wasn’t quoting a past president in part of that.)

          8. Oh, snap. Is now a good time to admit I never went to college?

          9. Ha, you sound far smarter than most of the people I know who went to college. I just collect degrees and stick them in a cookie jar. They don’t actually do anything, but they’re cute and all.

          10. Wow, thank you Wonder Twin! That is a high compliment. No degree’s for me. 2+2=4 See?

          11. I thought it equaled red. Sorry, English major.

          12. I am glads you stil talks to me oh great smartz one;

  2. Walmart may be evil and all, but I like it, hey. 😛 ALso, if you buy Herbal essences (citrus blast or passion fruit) you can forget that a shampoo industry exists after that. Its that! good.

    Cheers, Sad Pony!
    (whoops..)

    1. Yeah, don’t tell anybody but I spend half my life at Wal-Mart. Sometimes I think they should just automatically assign half my paycheck to them.

      I love those Herbal Essence commercials. I’m going to hang out in the shower all day with that and my stimulator brush.

      1. Lmao! Well I haven’t seen the ad, so I’m giving you an uninfluenced review. =P and I know!! Idk how but I blow so much money off at Walmart each time!!

  3. Wait, they still make White Rain??

    Unfortunately, Walmart is a necessary evil from time to time. There is an Aldi near my job, which is uber-cheap, but that doesn’t help on long weekends when I am 50 miles away.

    (Organix brand is good for my frizzy hair. It averages $5.00 a bottle but you can find it “buy one, get one” at Walgreen’s or other drug stores. No sulfates; I suggest the Moroccan Oil, Coconut or Keratin formulas. Or you can get her into co-washing with suave conditioner)

    (Yes, I am a cheap shampoo whore)

    1. YES! Thank God for cheap shampoo whores. I will look into Organix. What an interesting brand name. If it works, I really don’t care. Before long I’m going to have to declare her hair an independent state. I usually co-wash with Suave (or White Rain too, they still make it at least in my part of Texas).

      I saw those ingredients listed among other strange things in the shampoos. Weird stuff. Never heard of an Aldi store.

      1. I need to back up and say it is USUALLY $5 at Target and Walmart. I just went to a Walgreen’s deep in the city and the Organix was $2 more than I paid last time! (Good news, they had a nail polish brand I had not seen before though!)

        Those are the new hair buzz words. As long as it is sulfate free, any shampoo will work.

        Aldi is bare bones grocery shopping; if you want ketchup, you only get one brand to choose from but you are paying a cheap price for it. They take only cash or debit cards and you bag your own grocerties. It is well worth it when you have teenagers to feed, I just wish it was closer to home.

        1. I’m not sure what sulfates are and I’m a little afraid to find out. I like the idea of bare bones grocery shopping. The more choices you give me, the more my brain short circuits.

          New nail polish? I wish I could paint my nails. They always come out looking like Bozo the clown did it.

  4. Oh Walmart…you can’t live with it, you can’t live without it. It’s like that annoying boy that you just can’t get over. I have super curly, frizzy hair that hates me and loves to cooperate with the Florida humidity (please note my sarcasm here). I buy Suave’s salon style shampoo and conditioner for dry and frizzy hair. I also use leave-in conditioner from Suave and from Tresame. It seems to help…sometimes.
    I enjoy reading all your posts! Love your style of writing, Alice!

    1. Thanks! The best thing about Suave is that even the fancy varieties are fairly cheap. Also wanted the dandruff control, though, so I went for that. Although I wonder sometimes if it actually helps or not. I got the Vidal Sassoon leave in conditioner because there was a two dollar off coupon stuck on it.

      1. Ooo! Let me know how well it works. Us frizzy haired ones have to stick together…and I don’t mean by the amount of products we use in our hair. hehe

  5. Next time the voice in your head tells you not to buy something, you can shut it up by reminding that it did not tell you to pick up a prescription.

    1. Good point. Hey, where were you when I needed to get my stupid drugs, huh?

      1. I’m not sure if you were just talking to me or to the voice, but I do sometimes take on its role when my wife and I go shopping together.

        1. Sometimes my husband has to – it goes like this. Just buy the darn thing and let’s go!

          1. No, my wife has no problem picking the darn thing, but I have to sometimes remind her those darn things we bought last time have gone bad. Just like your voice.

  6. I sincerely thank you for helping to pay my humble salary!

    1. You are sincerely welcome! I like Wal-Mart employees as long as they pretend to smile at least. I do that at my job. Most people at my store are nice, but there is this one lady who works the fitting room and seems to hate life and everyone in it. I’ll smile and say hi and she’ll give me the death glare. Like, jeeez, lady, who peed in your post toasties?

      1. We’ve had a lot of fitting room ladies like that before. I think that’s where we hide the crusty ones, hidden inside a maze of clothing racks….

  7. Don’t feel bad. I just bit into a peach and threw it out because i though it tasted mealy. And then I bit into another peach and did the same thing, and it dawned on me that I really fucking hate peaches. I have two more left.

    1. Ha, yes. I don’t trust peaches. What is it with that fuzzy crap?

  8. They aren’t sunbeams, they’re death rays.
    Why does the voice in your head follow me shopping too? And sound a lot like my mother?

    1. I always thought the voice sounded like my mother. I think most of the “voices” sound like critical parents.

  9. I had to deal with frizzy hair. It started to also become static-y if that is a word. It was looking like a balloon was rubbed against it and all the strands were sticking up, individually.

    But then I was convinced by my sister and the sales girl, to get this Lush Stout Shampoo (yup, made with beer) http://www.lushusa.com/Cynthia-Sylvia-Stout/9999900802,en_US,pd.html

    That shampoo was amazing! I started using it in March and my hair grew about 4 inches since then and was sleek as silk. The downside was that it kinda has a beer smell, not everpowering and that is what it’s made of but I used Lush’s Happy Happy Joy Joy conditioner, which smells like lilacs and lavendar, to cover the possibly beer scent up. Although, I have a few times, skipped the condition and the beer scent wasn’t noticable.

    Another downside, the largest bottle at 16.9 fl oz is $30. The other two sizes are 8.4 fl oz ($19.95) and 3.3 fl oz ($9.95). I got the largest bottle (16.9) and it’s lasted me since March and I’m still not done with it. You don’t use alot, just a small dime size in your palm.

    1. I’d have to pretend it wasn’t made of beer. My daughter is such a stickler, she’d probably think even beer on your head was wrong. She likes RULES. Cracks me up. Is it really called Happy Happy Joy Joy conditioner? Why do I feel the need to buy it for the name alone?

      1. It sure is called that: http://www.lushusa.com/Happy-Happy-Joy-Joy/9999903775,en_US,pd.html?start=4&cgid=conditioners

        Beer on your head is wrong? And I don’t believe it’s made of Budweiser. It’s a organic stout that has actually been known to give hair a real boost and health. The website for the shampoo says this:

        “Cynthia Sylvia Stout is made with organic vegan stout beer from a local brewery, which contains protein to give your hair weight, smoothness and gloss. It’s excellent for hair that tends to go frizzy in damp or humid environments. Cynthia smells delicious, just like a brandy, stout and lemon cocktail and even makes curly hair unbelievably shiny and bouncy once again.”

        Actually, the description of the smell is exactly what it smells like.

        1. Cynthia Sylvia Stout would not take the garbage out. Isn’t that a Shel Silverstein poem? She goes to Sunday school, plus regular school where they harp on and on about don’t do drugs and booze! She listens to everything and tries to be the enforcer of rules. Poor thing.

          What she doesn’t know about the shampoo can’t hurt her.

  10. Food of any kind that doesn’t come in a packaged ready-to-heat form confuses me. How do you know which fruit is good? Is firm better, or soft? Does saying firm make it sound dirty? Hello sales person, am I making you uncomfortable?
    And it’s a crazy world out there in the shampoo aisle. Don’t even get me started on researching shampoos. First you have to and see which shampoos the store has, then you go home, go online and see what ratings each shampoo has. So this one is better for frizzy hair, and this other one’s like a miracle in a bottle but has chemicals that come straight from Satan, what to do!?

    1. Zomg, you are more than my Soul Sistah, I think you might be the Indian version of me, or something. I like packaged food. The most homemade I get is when I buy a cake mix and actually add, say, an egg to it. The only fruits I buy are apples, bananas, and grapes. You know grapes are bad when they become raisins. Apples become bad immediately upon peeling them. Bananas get all squishy and brown after about a day. And those are the ones I buy, generally. Other fruit frightens me. WTF with the pineapple, huh? And vegetables? I don’t get those at all.

      And OMG, I do the exact same thing. Look at it in the store, then go home and look it up on Amazon and see that it has reviews both praising it and saying it caused them to lose all their hair, their jobs, and their children. Then go back to the store, and stare at the stuff some more. Then decide not to buy anything half the time, and run out of the store.

      1. You might consider expanding your horizons. Try fruit canned in 100% juice.

        1. Stop confusing us, Ravin. Cans, juice, fruit – what are we, wizards?

  11. LOL, I’m a guilty Liberal too. But I think the Dollar type stores are even more enticing and unethical. So why are they so darn hard to stay away from? It’s like that line from a song “everything I love is killing me” but really it’s killing the slave wage workers. I still buy the darn stuff though 😛 I feel like I’m cheating on my taxes or something when I go to Wal-mart or a Dollar store. Why do I even have a conscience if I ignore it? o.O

    1. I try to avoid the Dollar store unless there is something I specifically need, and then I try desperately to head straight for it and get out. You can spend 20 bucks in there easily, and then realize you might as well have put money in one of those gumball machines for the quality of your items.

      I figure if I refused to shop at all places that were unethical, I couldn’t buy food, furniture, clothing, a house, a car, or much of anything else.

      1. LOL, I guess you’ve got to be a millionaire or very dedicated to only ethical products to make it work. I don’t know anyone personally who is perfect all the time even if they try to buy ethically mainly. I try to buy cruelty free all the time but I screw up and purchase it at a major retailer uncommitted to ethical products and practices. I think one has to be almost Evangelical to do it but that isn’t very much fun!

        1. Exactly. I mean, I don’t like that the chicken died to feed me, but on the other hand, why would we breed chickens in the first place if we didn’t eat them (and their eggs). It’s not like they make good pets or anything.

          And I really like chicken nuggets.

          1. Well I think chickens make lovely pets but I am a vegan so that might make me biased!

          2. Ah, I admire your fortitude. I am a carnivore. In defense of chickens, I really don’t care for pets much at all. I tend to be allergic to them.

          3. Haha, I am allergic too but animals always seemed to me more appealing than most people. So I ignore my asthma attacks and skin allergies for a cat or dog’s tongue licks 🙂 Animals are sentient to me and I feel their emotions. I’m a tad weird though 😛 The rest of my family eats animals though so I really am the ‘odd one out’.

            Happy Independence Day to you! (I’m Canadian so we had our “day” July 1st). Canada turned 146 this year.

          4. Happy birthday, O Canada!

  12. Shopping at Wal-Mart has been great for my education! After a few trips to the shampoo aisle, I learned to make my own shampoo bars so I would never have to go there again. Added bonus – no weird chemicals, child labor or packaging to throw away. Same for laundry soap. Bought a regular razor and a gazillion blades so as not to have to spend three hours trying to choose. The list goes on and on. Cheaper, too, which appeals to the Scotch in me 🙂

    There are limited choices in my Small Town, too, and I try to keep trips to once a month, max. I swear, just walking through the doors lowers my I.Q. by 10 points.

    Good luck with your shampoo quest and here’s a reminder to pick up your prescription 🙂

    1. Do you think you could write a book or something? Because I would read it. Buy tons of stuff and never go shopping sounds appealing. I do try to stock up on non perishables as much as I can, but sometimes I forget. I can’t imagine making my own shampoo.

      1. Write a book? Don’t know if I have enough interesting material for a book, but I’ll be sure to post the shampoo bar recipe on Travels with Towanda when I make the next batch. I have requests coming in, so it won’t be long. There’s a ton of stuff on the ‘net about doing things yourself, etc. and tons more blogs written by folks way more literate than I 🙂 Most of it is really easy to do, way easier than going shopping. Just sayin’.

  13. I don’ like Wal-Mart and really only go in there to pick up prescriptions any more. It’s too much work to have them transferred to Wal-Green. Yes, I’m lazy…

    1. Most of my prescriptions come through mail order. It’s a lot easier. I mostly go to Wal-Mart for my stupid antihistamines which I have to get from behind the counter because of the damn meth-heads.

      1. Yeah…assholes…

  14. Alice,
    You REALLY need to focus your attention on some other stormtrooper. It’s NOT going to happen.
    Blunt Life Coach™

    1. What other storm trooper? You guys all look alike. You could give me one of your fellow clones. I could use someone around the house to do my dishes.

      1. Alice,
        I’m a stormtrooper, not a clone trooper. As a supposed Star Wars geek, you should know this.
        Blunt Life Coach™

        1. I thought you guys were still clones and stuff. You mean you actually signed up for that job, or were you drafted by the big guy?

  15. I read that crap in a hat is better for controlling frizz than Vidal Sassoon. But I still depend on good, old, cheap Suave for cleaning up exploded brain matter.

    1. Manure is a common ingredient used by Heloise in her Ask Heloise columns. It takes care of everything because once it’s on something, you don’t care about that something anymore. I didn’t realize Suave was so good with brain matter, though. That would have been helpful earlier – eh, no matter.

  16. We’re going to Wally World, we’re going to Wally World… we’re not going to Wally World? We won’t be running into the Griswalds while we are out and about? Sad. I was super excited.
    I haven’t been to a WalMart in a very long time… not because I’m holier than though and think they are the devil (though, in some ways I do), but because it is always such a zoo there, I hate dealing with the parking lot, the rude people in and out of the store, and, yes, the sheer number of product choices. I may spend a few more cents as I pick up things elsewhere but those dollars (even pennies add up eventually) save my sanity one receipt at a time.

    1. We have a grocery store in town, so if I possibly can, I get most of my groceries there. They charge higher prices for many things, and they don’t offer some of the things you get at Wal-Mart. Then I have to go there. And I almost always end up picking stuff up I didn’t come for – I mean, like, it was cheap! Most of the employees are okay except the dressing room ladies. They are actually trolls from the underworld and they do NOT like it when you disturb their slumber.

  17. I hate Walmart, but not for the reasons you think. Have you encountered the Walmart Zombie Hoards? These are the people that are hyponotized by the low, low prices, and they aimlessly wander the wares.

    Grocery shopping is second to hauling trash on my list of least favorite life functions. Seriously, I’d rather visit the dentist. Most of the time, I can get a parting gift of a fistful of pills.

    In my town, I have two options. Brave Walmart, supposing that I even make it through their parking lot intact, or go on a social call to my neighborhood grocery chain. I know everyone there. And they know me too. They would like nothing better than to chat their shift away, or at least until their supervisor catches on to the fact that I’m not a random customer.

    It’s a difficult toss up. It’s like the sadistic choices from “Saw”; which horror will I endure?

    1. I HATE grocery shopping too. It’s filled with stuff that your parents used to buy you all the time but now all of a sudden you’re expected to be a grownup and buy your stuff that used to just appear in the refrigerator as if by magic. And yes, the parking lot – the horror. And once you get in, there’s the moo cows that just stand there, blocking your way with their carts, looking at the shampoo. People can recognize you in either the Wal-Mart or the grocery store here, but I’m not super friendly so I don’t usually get recognized by many people. Unlike my husband, who finds at least six or seven people to talk to while we’re there.

      Usually I let him do the grocery shopping, even if he does pick up lots of weird, random items. It’s too depressing and anxiety ridden for me.

      1. Go to the search bar on Sunny and type in “I’m Going to Die in the Walmart Parking Lot”. I have a preminition regarding my fate there. If I know we’re headed there, I’ll ingest an elephant dose of Xanax.

        The strangest stuff happens in that lot, and what’s weird about it is that it’s the only lot that’s loaded with cameras! One day, I was sitting there while Xan ran in, and I saw a hoard of teens pour out of this SUV clown-car style. I mean, probably about ten from a seven seater. Then, they all went around to the hatch, which was facing me, and three more crawled out!

        I can’t stand the moo cows. Have you ever been to the hair dye aisle? It’s a guarenteed ten minute trap. And then the lines! Why do they only have two express lanes?! Is it to intentionally taunt the people who dare spend less than $100 in one visit?!

        And what is up with the pajama party fad? Is it trendy to patronize the local Wally World sporting cupcake pants? No offense to the people that do, really, it’s a personal choice. But for the record, I’m THAT mom in the “athletic wear”.

        1. Haha, I can just see the teens spilling out like from a clown car, and YES I’ve seen the people in their cupcake PJs (once I saw a woman with Sponge Bob PJs – there is just no excuse for that). I’ve seen them at McDonald’s too, and when dropping off their children at school. Like, I’m sorry, is it that difficult to put on a pair of freaking sweat pants before you leave the house?

          The other day, the line was so long at one register – the only one open. And three employees were chatting it up over at Customer Service (ironic!) My husband went over there and got one to work a register. My hero.

          1. I’d be embarassed to be dropping my son off at his school in pajamas. I work in schools and centers, and I can’t tell you how many parents roll in looking like they just rolled out of bed. It’s like, “Did you even bother feeding your kid before dropping them off? Wait, no, that’s why you’re dropping them off at 5 to 8, right before breakfast.” Throw on a pair of jeans for heavens sake!

            I’ve worked registers before, so it really annoys me when cashiers are blatantly ignoring customers. And Walmart is famous for it. It becomes so evident when I’m standing there with a self-checkout register telling me that assistance is on the way, and the clerk is trying to avoid eye contact. Yes, the cart corral that you stand next to for eight hours a day is suddenly completely mesmerising and important! Attend to it right away while I jump up and down waving my arms frantically!

            But, as a previous cashier, I despise people who get irrate and start getting nasty with me. People are generally jerks, so I try not to be, even when someone probably deserves it.

  18. This made me think of a line in the John Prine song “Taking a Walk” —

    “I felt about as welcomed as a Walmart Superstore.”

    1. I haven’t heard that song. Now I have to look it up. Perfect.

      1. I’ll make it easy for you. Here is the studio version. It’s best to listen to on an MP3 while you’re walking, but anytime is the right time to listen to John Prine! 🙂

  19. OHGOD I literally have a giant bag of grapes in the fridge slowly fermenting into Merlot because of the same exact internal dialog. Except mine isn’t a pony; it’s more of an octopus-like creature with a monocle and a cigar. Don’t ask. Still, he’s a good foil for when I need to think through some of my purchases in places that allow for buying in bulk. (Do I really need four gallons of salsa and a pallet of Acme 1-Ply toilet paper?)

    When I was a teenager my hair used to look like Johnny Bravo’s. Nothing could tame it, but it didn’t occur to me that I could shave it off and be done with it. Now that it’s receded a bit I don’t think it’s gotten longer than half a centimeter before I break out the clippers and embalden myself.

    Even with so little hair, I still walk into the shampoo aisle and think the same thing. I got some kind of Old Spice All-in-1 Shampoo “System”, whatever the hell that means. I think I could theoretically use it as a body wash, shaving lotion, toothpaste, deodorant, and nose hair styling mousse, but I just stick with the basics and wash my hair with it. Call me a traditionalist. I can guarantee by the next time I go shopping, the entire selection will be different and I’ll be stuck, like you, paralyzed by indecision over the vast selection of products I couldn’t really drum up the energy to care about too much in the first place.

    1. But there was such a great BARGAIN on the salsa, how could you resist? I’m glad I’m not the only one that abuses grapes. And the hair thing – yes, it amazes me how many hair products they have for men too! Old Spice All-in-one? That confuses me. They need to go back to making products that fulfill one purpose only, like our forefathers would have wanted. No more of these smart phones that do everything except let you get a call through.

      I bet you smell good, though. I love the smell of Old Spice.

  20. I must be a communist, I love vegetables and hate fruit. And spend way too much money on hair products.

    The idea of Walmart fascinates me. I hope they never come to Australia, I don’t think anyone would cope.

    1. I wish I loved vegetables. Why can’t they taste like ice cream or something? That would make it so much easier to eat them then. I do like green beans – provided they’ve been cooked in something with flavor. And carrots in stew. Otherwise, yuck. Like I’ve said before, I have the taste of a six-year-old.

      Wal-Mart isn’t in Australia yet? Just wait. Not even your kangaroos can stop the marching zombie army of Wal-Mart.

  21. I just returned from a 4 am trip to Wal-mart. Why, you might ask, would anyone of semi-sound mind spend the early morning hours of a day off at Wal-mart? The aisles were basically empty, and the kid was still asleep.

    I had to spend $150.00 for supplies for a cookout, wedding, family reunion and camp, but it was one of the least-stressful shopping trips I’ve experienced in awhile!

    1. Yes, when I lived in the city next to my small town, I would go to the 24 hour Wal-Marts in the middle of the night sometimes. You see some interesting people, but mostly it’s dead which is nice. In my town, our Wal-Mart closes at 11 pm, which stinks. Children almost never wait until morning to get sick, and of course I’m never stocked up with anything for this.

      Never, ever go to a Wal-Mart on a Sunday or at five p.m. if you value your life.

  22. Maybe you wouldn’t need as much shampoo if you’d stop crapping in your hat…

    1. I think I’ve just had a revelation . . .

  23. Can relate to the tangles. My hair tends to misbehave sometimes here, sometimes there, and when I forget to put this Vitress product, it’s everywhere! Genes, why you so bad to me??? Anyhoo, never shopped at any WalMart. I don’t even think we have that here, but we do have Walter Mart (too tired to care if they’re related or not). And we do have many stores that sell like WalMart does, only in pesos…

    1. *can relate ABOUT the tangles

    2. Walter Mart? I would like to see this Walter Mart. I bet it’s more sophisticated than Wal-Mart, like maybe Wal-Mart is the black sheep of the family or something.

      1. Hmnnn…I am not so sure about that. It’s okay, I guess. I have only been in one branch, and that’s just twice or thrice, and only once did I actually go shop for something, he he…

  24. I used to force my wife to go to Walmart on Christmas Eve every year. I was always left a bit disappointed because I went in expecting a bit of a train wreck. I wanted to see the uneducated masses rushing around to buy crappy last minute gifts. That was largely not the case. Sigh…

    1. Take her the day after Thanksgiving. THAT will show her.

      1. Only if we can go at midnight.

  25. I dislike all supermarkets. I worked at Sainsbury’s for 12 months and now, especially if I’m in a hurry, when I walk into the door and people get in my way, the red mist descends…

    1. My husband worked at a grocery store for a few years and he will still go and sack the groceries for them, whether they like it or not, because he does it better.

      1. I understand his thinking there!

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