Alice and Merbear’s State of the Hoo-Ha Address

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Merbear: No, Mildred, you smell like fish…stop!

Alice:  holy hell that would have to sting wouldn’t it?

Merbear: Um…ouch…That means it is working.  Feel the burn.

Alice: cleans the canal in the presence of mucus? Oh eww.  wtf kind of mucus matter she got goin’ on there.

Merbear: I think I just barfed in my mouth a bit.  Soda and salt?  In your woo hoo?

Alice: seems an odd place to put it. Now butter I get.

Merbear:  Now, don’t forget to douche with Lysol, says doctor never.  My doctor told me not to douche, actually.

Alice: heck with the douche, I’ll just spray the can up there.

Merbear: I am full of inhibitions baby! Oh yeah, smell me!

Alice:  actually, we tried that once at the library on a bunch of nasty videos and it was not good. Smelled like funk AND lysol.

Merbear: Funky junky.

Alice: I like how her ghost is all freaked out – but wait, your hoo-ha! Don’t let him touch your hoo-ha!

Merbear: Did you notice she has her hand upon her breast?  Like, alas I am so horny.

Alice: well, someone’s gotta get her going – I’m guessing it won’t be him. He’s half done.

Merbear: Yeah, that is a pre ejaculation face if I have ever seen one.

Alice: Let’s hope he killed his germ life too.

Merbear: But Alice, men can’t douche!  They suffer from other manlike issues.

Alice: But how will they insure their daintiness? Oh, right.

Merbear: Have no idea what they do, but those things don’t get hairless themselves.

Alice: True. Hey, no greasy aftereffect! That’s a relief.

Merbear: No, just broken skin.  A bit of inflamed tissue.

Alice: good thing it’s not caustic.

Merbear: I use Lysol to kill poop.

Alice: Speaking of, remember that time I had the hoo-ha issue and then I developed a split personality and started robbing convenience stores?

Merbear: Yes, those were troubling times in Wonderland.

Alice: I’m sure it’s in one of those posts way back when. I was so full of doubts and inhibitions before I started shooting disinfectants up my va-jay-jay.

Merbear:  It IS preferred 3 to 1.

Alice: But by who? The woman? The man? You know maybe that’s why my ex dumped me – I never douched with Lysol. Damn.

Merbear:  Well, go out an get a bottle, and when you are done you can disinfect your toilet.  never neglect your lady bits.

Alice: Right. You should check those parts out daily. Play around. Make sure they’re functioning jussst right. Maybe try a brush.

Merbear: I would so not use that brush after searing my insides with Lysol.

Alice: No pain, no gain. You have to be there for your husband, Mer.

Merbear: Ah, you are right. He deserves a fresh lemon scented koochie.

Alice: I wonder if pine sol would work in a pinch. Do I want my koochie to smell like a pine forest?

Merbear:  Maybe there will be a unicorn sighting.  Perhaps fresh picked cotton..

Alice: jump down, turn around, pick a bale of cotton!

Merbear: House of Pain. Poor Mildred and her hoohaa.  Ghostly Mildred just didn’t have enough energy to fully manifest.

Alice: Yeah, but is it Mildred or ghost Mildred with the smelly um what word have we not used for vagina yet?

Mildred: I have bypassed a few, but I don’t think we used the holiest of holes.

Alice: Ah, that’s a good one

Merbear: Tinker either.

Alice:  I wonder why she’s groping her breast. I mean, she really is.

Merbear: She likes boobs.  Looks like Darren is not disturbed at all.  They need names.

Alice: Yeah, I’m thinking he’s not taking time for a whiff when investigating her “down there.”  Darren works well. He could be like three or four people at least.

Merbear: I mean, this seems to have been an awful scary plight for these woman, am I offensive, are the dishes clean, where are the kids.  I mean, who needs that shit?

Alice: Kids . . . kids, eh. We’ll make new ones honey!  Which is more disturbing a fishy smell or LEMON BLAST?

Merbear: Lemon fresh Mound of venus?

Alice: No, her flower. He put his stem in her pollen

Merbear: My husband said Venus Mantrap.

Alice: ooh that’s a good one. Will have to look up romance books. They have all the good terms.

Hey, once I accidentally sprayed my hair with lysol. True story. It was by the hairspray.

Merbear: Did it make things stiff?

Alice: It wasn’t stiff. I sure did smell weird, though. People were like, sniff, what IS that?

Merbear: You smell so germ free!

Alice:  My brother laughed hysterically. I was still a teenager.

Merbear: I would have laughed myself and then sprayed myself too so you didnt feel alone.

Lemony fresh Wonder Twins!

Alice: Wonder Twins activate – with Lysol!  You know, other me has been cheating with my husband and I was mad but then I realized I could go watch TV in peace.  God I’m glad I didn’t live back then – what year is that ad?

Merbear:  its 1950’s

Alice: ah well of course. How did these women survive? Listerine on your head, up your hoo-ha, lysol all over the place. Honey, what are you doing with the cleaning products OMG

Merbear: I know, how fucked up is that?  yet, also cost effective.

Alice: suddenly I’m thinking of those swiffer commercials. like the bowling ball falling in love with the broom. Just wtf.

Merbear: bleach is sexy.

Alice: does that mean the woman was having an affair with the broom before? Cause it says don’t worry he wont’ be alone . . .maybe she saw Mr. Clean in the floor and got all excited . . .took advantage of that poor broom

Merbear: OMG HOT!

Alice: Erotic kitchen fiction

Merbear: Oh, write some!

Alice: After 50 Shades, anything is possible.

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59 responses

  1. Reblogged this on Knocked over by a feather and commented:
    Lysol wasn’t just for restrooms…

  2. Very good!
    I had the same thoughts as you guys after reading the ad.
    Salt? Soda? Mucous? Greasy aftereffect? Aagh!

    1. With all that time they spent doctoring the lady parts, how did they ever have time to make their men sandwiches???

  3. You are too much! I almost cried from the laughter.

    1. We like to crack ourselves up. Glad you enjoyed it!

      1. You’re both too funny for your own good.

  4. Eagerly awaiting the next installment of Erotic Kitchen Fiction. Because it just doesn’t get hotter than that.

    1. Next time on As The Kitchen Turns . . . broom starting dating bowling ball but then the rake found out and trou-ble!

      1. Hah! I was actually thinking of that commercial too. Funny, funny. Though, I’d much rather here about the plate/spoon scandal… and everything going on in the pantry. Chocolate chips hooking up with the granola. The can of black beans having an affair with the chicken noodle soup. Oh, the hum, er, um, can-anity.

  5. (Imagine old time radio guys here) “It will leave you lemony fresh! Like a lady…”

    1. We ladies have known the fruit trick for a while. That’s why it’s in our shampoos, deodorants, etc. This is appealing to men because when they smell us, they think of food, and boom they decide they must marry us.

      1. Ha! It’s so true, we love food and ladies. I have to admit I have always been a sucker for the fruity smelling lady products, something about hair that smells like mango that makes me want to propose.

  6. Jesus fucking christ on an oyster cracker… Your little shenanigans need to come with a “you should probably be wearing a Depends” warning.

    1. I recommend the “light days” pads. Which reminds me I think I saw an ad for tampons!

  7. OK that was hilarious… lysol is disgusting… I mean I can imagine the burning, and I am sure one could have a wonderful allergic type reaction to that, itchy rash and all – now wouldn’t that be a total turn on for poor Darren? (that was his name right?)

    I actually saw a Vagisil feminine wash commercial last nite that reminded me of this (and your first douche ad)… this poor middle aged woman was smiling at me from the TV telling me how she didn’t feel fresh and was concerned about odor that her regular body wash just didn’t seem to be affective against… then she thanked Vagisil for helping her feel fresh and confident… no shit I saw this ad lastnite on TV!!! Perhaps we haven’t progressed as much as we like to think…

    1. I know. I swear it wasn’t that long ago the woman and daughter were walking on the beach and the daughter asked “Mom, have you ever felt – not so fresh?” Who asks their mom this? Who?

      1. Oh, I don’t know… doesn’t every girl/woman at some point say to their mother “Help mom, I don’t know who else I could talk to. This is even to embarrassing to tell the doctor but I feel smelly and skanky in my feminine nether regions, oh what do you do to eliminate these feelings. And while we are at it mom how ever do you keep dad satisfied?”

        Yea OK no-one EVER has these conversations with their mother (or their children)… except of course on TV…

  8. hahaha – brilliant! I know Lysol from hospitals – there they used it for toilet bowls. I hope it wasn’t the same stuff as in this ad :o)

    1. Me too! Then again, I drink coke and they say that can clean your toilets too. Hmm.

  9. FYI, since our stuph is outside, we men use this nifty little concoction (ha!) of soap and water to keep the smell at bay.

    1. But no salt or soda? Everything’s such a mystery to us – who the heck knows what’s up there? But you guys have it all right there. Lucky you.

      1. The easier for you to…well…you know…

  10. I laughed and cringed. My mom tried to convince me when I was first becoming a ‘woman’ at 9 years old to use Lysol. I just pretended I did. There was NO WAY I was going to use that stuff on myself. My mother always did dislike me, cus she never did that to my sister.

    1. Yuck! My mother still has some of that Summer’s Eve stuff (Why is it a Summer’s Eve? What does that have to do with your vagina?) in her medicine cabinet – I doubt she’s used it since I was born. At least I hope not. I don’t even want to think about that and my mom in the same sentence. Considering she rarely throws anything away, I think it’s safe to say it’s been gathering dust.

      1. Yeah I remember that stuff too. I’ve never tried it, but I remember a friends mom having some. Have no idea why they called it what they do. 😉

  11. Lulz. I’ve seen those old Lysol ads and they make me cringe.

    1. I thought the regular douche ones were weird but Lysol? There? This was truly enlightening.

  12. I’m just confused as to why “Lysol” is in quotes. Is this not actually Lysol?

    1. I just noticed that. Yeah, why would you put your brand in quotes. Like “Lysol” is a really good “product” wink, wink.

  13. How ironic. . . recently I wanted to take a wire brush and Clorox to my cooter after learning of a boyfriend’s infidelities. Silly me, I could’ve used the Lysol! lol

    1. Who’d a thunk? I’m starting to rethink all my house hold cleansers now. What about dish soap? Does it only make your hands soft? I bet a douche made with Comet would kill darn near anything.

      1. What’s even more amusing is the fact they went from telling women to douche with Lysol, to telling them in fact, they really shouldn’t be douching. lol

  14. Once again, a swing… and a… HIT ! Dying here, so WRONG, but cannot stop reading… =)

    1. Thanks! We’ll keep going till they run us out.

  15. This is just too funny! I love your retro ads!

    1. Thanks! We love them too – the jokes almost write themselves.

  16. Oyvay. This is awesome. Any idea if Clorox wipes are effective?

    1. I can’t see why not. Shove one up there and check back in the morning.

  17. This picture might very well be documentation of the worst threesome ever.

    Obviously the guy can’t wait to hit some of that…nose?

    1. Yeah, dude, you’re missing her mouth. Unless he’s into nose kissing. If so, I wonder if she’s sure her nose is clean? Surely there’s a kitchen product for that!

  18. Okay, that’s just horrifying. Of course she’s a ghost. She squirted Lysol inside her body.

    1. I think I would be too. I would then haunt that guy forever. I mean, if you need Lysol to clean yourself up, better check out what he’s into, man.

  19. I was imagining sitting on a bar stool within hearing distance of you two, eaves-dropping but trying not to look like it, until I gave myself away by shooting beer out my nose from laughing so fucking hard…funny buggers arntcha?! (you forgot “front bum” and an Aussie favourite to add to your collection “map of Tassie”)

    1. I love this comment! We love being called funny buggers. It beats the other names. Speaking of names, I had not heard “front bum” or “Map of Tassie.” So good to have on hand when naming our “down under.”

      1. Yep, I figure you should have an oversupply of superlatives whenever you’re discussing nether-region hygiene…what about “growler” and “bearded clam”?

        1. Mine is not bearded. LOL

          1. Aaaah, a case of the beardless clam…one for the collection…

  20. I believe that after putting “Lysol” up her hoo-ha-jay-jay, Mildred would feel both clean and dirty at the same time.
    Another thing I learned from the ad is that “Lysol” can be used to treat multiple personality disorder.

    1. Who knew? All this time Mildred was living a double life, one with a lemony fresh daintiness, the other with a smelly ko-hooha-chie, but an actual life.

      1. I bet the one with the actual life was the confident one.

  21. Lysol just covers up the scent. Febreeze kills it!

    1. Shopping List: Brush, Summer’s Eve, Lysol, Laxatives, Febreeze!

  22. Oh dear goodness. It’s too warm to laugh this much, damn you both!

    I don’t think you used “fanny” for hoo-ha. “Fairy” seems to be another name used with small girls here in the UK these days too. I’ll see if I can think up any other terms for you.

    1. I always used fanny for the backside, rather than the other, but if you’re just in the general bottom region, that works. I have never heard fairy – that kind of goes along with flower.

      1. That’s why us Brits always snigger when we hear “fanny pack” on American TV. We call them “bum bags”.

        No idea where “fairy” came from but it is kind of sweet and innocent.

  23. Alice and Merbear,
    Does this mean Le Clown can request a banter between the two of you on a topic? I mean, you’ll have to help him as he’s a been away too long from Wonderland…
    Le Clown

  24. Write more, thats all I have to say. Literally, it seems as though you
    relied on the video to make your point. You clearly know what youre talking about, why throw away
    your intelligence on just posting videos to your site when you could be giving us something
    enlightening to read?

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