What NOT to Name Your Baby

You know how some countries are so restrictive they actually determine what people can name their children?  Every once in a while, I think that’s not such a bad idea.  Here are some examples of names that get on my nerves.

A common name made fancy by adding random letters.  If the kid’s name is Lindsey, for instance, don’t spell it Lynndzziee.  It’s annoying, and they’re sure to end up on a stupid reality show like Bachelor Pad.

Don't let your child end up here.

Don’t let your child end up here.

Trendy names.  Please look around and see if there are a thousand other Emilys or Ashleys or Britneys  (Brytnees?) out there before naming baby.  Otherwise you’ll get a kid who continues to whine as an adult on her blog about how her name is common and she is supposed to use an initial after it, but she won’t, because they can’t make her.

Food names.  Apple, Cherry, Candy, Cookie, Yogurt, etc.  Someone might eat your kid.

Someone say Coooo-kiiiie?

Someone say Coooo-kiiiie?

Calling a child by its middle name.  People will never get it right. Ever.  They’ll be forever called by their first names.  They will complain, like my mother and brother do.

Changing boy names into girl names.  Ever notice how once a girl gets named something that was once a boy’s name, it forever becomes a girl name?  For instance, Kevin is a typical boy’s name.  First time you find a girl named Kevin, forget it.  All older Kevins will have to deal with people thinking they’re girls.  And they’ll whine about it too.  I know my father does.  We might just be a family of whiners.

Now everyone thinks I'm a girl!!!!

Now everyone thinks I’m a girl!!!!

Last names as first names.  This is really popular these days.  Especially the presidential trend.  Kennedy, Madison, Reagan, Clinton, Garfield, Bush, etc.  What happens if one of these people marries someone with that last name?  Hello there, Mrs Kennedy Kennedy, how are you?

Weather Names.  Stormy, Sunny, Windy, Rainy, Hurricane, Tornado, etc.  If I want to know the weather, I’ll look outside.

Hey, now I know what to name our baby, honey!

Hey, now I know what to name our baby, honey!

Naming all your children similar sounding names.  Nicholas and Nicole, for instance.  It’s like the same freaking name.  Or worse having a Britain, Braxton, and Breydon in the same family.  Your kids really don’t have to have matching names.  They’re not furniture.

Sparkly names.  Rainbow, Star, Love, Angel, Destiny, Unicorn, Effervescent, etc.  Just, stop, please.

Do not name your child after a Lisa Frank poster, please.

Do not name your child after a Lisa Frank poster.

Vampire names.  Speaking of sparkles, if you want to saddle your kid with Edward, fine, but please don’t say it’s from that insipid book.  Your kid will figure out he’s named for a fancy, prancy fake vampire his mom had a weird thing for and he’ll hate you.

Naming siblings for lovers.  For instance, you have a boy and a girl named Romeo and Juliet.  Why would you do that?  It’s just icky.

Stupid nicknames. We can’t always control this one, but sometimes people purposely choose to call their kids stuff like “Corky”, “Rusty”, “Chuck”, “Spot” and the biggest offender . . .

Yup.  Honey Boo-Boo.

Yup. Honey Boo-Boo.

Handing down awful names hidden in the middle name.  There’s just no reason to give a kid the name Bertha, even if it’s Jennifer Bertha.  Let’s just leave that one in the past, shall we?

Naming a child for the place where she was conceived.  Would you want to think about your parents and, well, that when you’re a teenager?  I didn’t think so.  So no naming your kid First Street Diner, no matter how strangely special that place is to you.

So these are my biggest pet peeve names.  What are yours? 

133 responses

  1. I hate the parents that name their kids Donald McDonald or use similar ideas. Why is that necessary??

    1. Yes! Like Billy Dee Williams – isn’t his name technically William Dee Williams? I’ve also seen Robert Robertsons, and Peter Petersons. Hello, please meet the redundant family.

  2. Sidney Bay, April Song, both intern, I always wondered what were they parents thinking.
    What about the names celebrities pick for their kids?
    Blue Ivy is the worse I’ve seen lately. Or is it Ivy Blue?

    1. Apple is real – Gwyneth Paltrow named her kid that. I thought the next one would be banana or grape but no, he was named Moses. Just – what?

  3. Naming your kid after yourself (with or without adding “Jr”) always leads to confusion, especially if your kid doesn’t leave home until age 40 🙂

    1. Oh, yeah, you reminded me – the juniors, ugh. No one wants to be called junior, but if they go by Dad’s name then you’re getting them mixed up. What’s worse, though, is when people start adding numbers. Like John Johnson IV. WTF, unless you’re a king, cut that out. There are other names. Like Lynddzzziiee.

  4. I work part-time at an answering service, so I get to hear a lot of names. My latest pet peeve (and it seems very popular) is “Nevaeh.” First, it’s foolish. Second, every single parent that calls the pediatrician’s line because their precious peanut is running a fever feels compelled to tell me, “It’s heaven spelled BACKWARDS.” So it’s the opposite of heaven? Name your kid Hell, then, and be done with it.

    There are going to be a billion Nevaehs running around in 20 years, and they’re gonna be PISSED.

    1. Thing Two already has a Neveah in her class. Oy. I considered adding that to the sparkly names, but I’m like you – if it’s spelled backwards, isn’t it the opposite? Why not just call the kid Heaven? It’s just as pretentious.

  5. Considering I’m 16 weeks pregnant (SAY WHAT!?!) with our first, and we’ve picked out the names (we find out the gender July 31), I don’t think I’ve committed any of the “rules” on naming this Lil’ Shit …. or at least I hope not!!!!!!!!!! I love this post — as always — and I snorted out loud laughing at Effervescent and Lisa Frank. A big shout-out to all the cool and awesome folks like Yours Truly who had the awesome writing utensils and school supplies made by LF. We were, without a doubt, the awesome-est kids on the block! Hope you are well, Friend, and staying cool in this God-awful heat of summer. =)

    1. I totally had the Lisa Frank Trapper Keeper with the radioactive unicorns.

    2. Oh, yes, and congrats on the baby! SLEEP NOW.

  6. The importancy of this post is so huge is should be included in constitutions and stuff.
    Close to my grandparents lives this weird family and their youngest child-soon-to-be-criminal is named Harley Davidson.

  7. I’m so happy to see this post! People giving their kids ridiculous names makes me wanna hurt someone and even more so now that the ULTRA annoying fame whore that is Kim Kardashian who had the BRILLIANT idea of naming the kid North West. WTF? I wanted to punch her in the face when I heard that. Good grief.

    1. I hadn’t heard that yet. Total brilliance. Then again, her parents didn’t know how to spell her sisters’ names (also guilty of the naming the kids similar sounding names peeve). But North West – wow, that kid is going to have issues with direction. At least they won’t need a GPS.

      1. Yes, it was a stroke of genius. I mean, wow, how original. how CLEVER. They should receive a standing ovation for that one. Do a search for North West, when that kid was born the jokes started almost immediately. Brilliant.

        1. Does the next one get named South East? My friend’s sister named her daughter Dakota. Her mother asked “North or South?”

          How did Kim even get famous? My 13-year-old even rolls her eyes at her.

          1. Haha, it may be another direction name, who knows. I believe her fame is due to some sex tape. She’s so lame, I feel sick when I see her (and sadly because of my work, I have to ref her quite a bit)

  8. My two favorites that you mention are Bush and Effervescent. Those are the future names of my children. Thanks for suggesting them. HAAAA. I recently met a person named…. Cinnamon. REALLY???!! OMG!! Did her parents think…instead of going to college or becoming a dental hygienist, we’d really like her to take up stripping when she gets older. Clearly this is what they had in mind. OMG.

    1. Haha, I knew a Cinnamon once. Also one of the women at a former church named her daughter Treasure and her own brother said it was a “stripper name”. It was classic.

  9. Hey, great post ! =) When we were pregnant almost 14 years ago, we chose the name “Isobel” for our daughter. Simple and beautiful, a nod to my Scottish ancestry, as well as being a form of Elizabeth , my other great grandma’s name. Perfect, we thought, and easy to sound out. Fast forward to now, and there is an Isabella everywhere we go. =) So much for original, but at least I did not name her APPLE or NOUGAT, right ??!!! hahaha =)

    1. I really like Isobel too – and I liked Isabella before everyone started naming their kids that – and certainly before Bella of Twilight got popular, ugh. Yeah, it’s different if you spell your kid’s name according to ancestry. When you just start randomly throwing letters on it, though, that just makes me go D’oh.

      I think Nougat sounds delightful. And chewy.

  10. I think that people with numerals in their names are total douches for no particular reason. Sorry to all the thirds and IVs out there. It’s funny how once a name catches on, it gets overused by everyone. I couched my daughter’s soccer team and there must have been 26 Olivias on the 8 teams in the league! (not my daughter’s name though)

    1. Yes! There are approximately 20 forms of Madison and McKenzie in each of my daughters’ respective classes.

      1. I especially love when a parent gets indignant if you assume it’s spelled Madison instead of Maddysin or something ridiculous.

        And you’ve only just touched on silly names used mostly by white folk! There’s a whole separate post for the Loranagellos, Shamalaquitas and Theloniuses of the world.

        1. Chaquita Banana! They’ve actually done studies that show that people given far out names are less likely to be hired because people automatically make judgements about them.

  11. I had a friend named Alison who married a man with the last name Allison. I still laugh to myself that she’s Alison Allison now. Naming your kids is a tough one!

    1. Oh, my. And Alison is fairly common now – I wonder if it was originally a last name that turned into a first one? Or just a form of Alice? Was the first Allison the son of an Alice? Who knows? I saw some newspaper article where the two people getting married had the same first and last names. WTF, that would be confusing. Let’s hope they don’t have a junior.

  12. My step daughter’s name is Aidan – which is the proper spelling of that incredibly old name for a girl. But apparently no one else on this fucking continent knows that. Any time you find things spelled with the last “a” it’s clearly for a boy, though anyone who knows anything knows that for a boy you spell it Aiden. If she’d popped out of my vagina I’d have given her a more normal name.

    1. In that case, was it a girl’s name that became a boy’s name that they then tried to turn back into a girl’s name? Wow. Another popular one for a while was Avery for a girl. I dunno. It’s all a matter of taste, I guess.

    2. What do you mean by “correct spelling”? Our son’s name is Aidan and we got it from a fictionalized account of Saint Aidan of Lindisfarne (before the name moved way up on the list of popular names). From what I can tell, he is the first somewhat popular figure to have that name.

      1. And for what it’s worth, I hate that it has become so popular. We knew of no one (outside of Aidan Quinn) at the time we chose it and went with -an versus -en because it seemed like the more traditional Gaelic spelling. http://medievalscotland.org/problem/names/aidan.shtml

        1. I liked Aiden (or Aidan) too and then the yuppies grabbed it! Like, stick with Jacob and Michael, you people. I love most Scottish and Irish names. Connor, Brendan, Sean, etc.

          1. @aliceatwonderland Yeah, it was in 1999 when we picked the name. I would never pick it now, but at the time people’s comments were, “How unique!” I blame Sex and the City for the boost in popularity…

          2. You can blame Sex and the City for so many things. At least no one named his child Big or Burger. Please say they didn’t.

  13. writingmom2013 | Reply

    I have to disagree with your second pet peeve: trendy names. I have no idea whether a lot of other parents named their kids (boy or girl) the same, but I don’t care. Papa Bear and I argued about appropriate names for months. Months. I did not curb the pregnancy hormones during these arguments, either, so it’s amazing our neighbors didn’t call the local police station to report noise violations.

    We finally agreed on a name – the perfect name. It alluded to cultures of importance to us, it isn’t very common, it was only one syllable (which apparently is indicative of success in males), and we were both happy with it. Except – then, we argued for months about how to spell it.

    We ended up choosing a different name, that I honestly suggested as a joke, because while I like it, I was 99% sure my boyfriend was going to hate it. Turns out, it’s a family name, so… arguing over names was done.

    On another note, can we bring up how much negative feedback for the name you’ve finally agreed on sucks? Back when we were arguing about how to spell our initial, but unused, choice, Papa Bear’s family were not a fan of our choice. We came up with horrific alternatives to get them off of our back.

    We referenced historic villains (most notably, Caligula), and smashed presidential names together (my favorite was Jeffraham).

    They decided our name choice was fine, after that conversation. 😉

    1. Caligula! I love it. Now I almost wish I could have another baby just to tell people I was going to name it that. I had considered naming Thing Two Jasmine but was informed by some family members that it was an African American name which was strange since I was pretty sure it was Arabian in origin. Also Jack was bad for a boy because of certain ways the name is used impolitely. People have definite ideas of good and bad names. I couldn’t see telling people directly what to name their child, though. If you go through nine to ten months of hell (or through the hellish adoption process), do what you want. It’s just my opinion. You’ll notice I pointed out that my own name is trendy, but I’d still prefer it to something like North West. 😀

      My husband thought he should name the second child since I named the first. I told him he could also carry and birth the baby, just to be totally fair. After watching me through that last birth he said “She can name her whatever she wants.”

      1. writingmom2013 | Reply

        I guess we have to give our kids some fuel to light on fire & toss in our face when they become teenagers? Maybe Kim thought that a dumb name would take some of the focus off of her sex tape?

  14. The months and the seasons… August, April, January (Jones?)… Summer, Autumn, Springy Sproingy Sprung. Gag. No thanks.

    1. May, April, June. January you don’t hear much. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard of a December or November. OMG I just came up with twin names! There’s also the days of the week. Wednesday, Tuesday – which ironically came from the Norse gods. I’d like to see someone name their kid Thor. That would be sweet. Not for the kid, just for me.

      1. I’m fairly certain after the success of The Avengers there are probably a few Thors running around out there right now. Thor is better than Hulk. Loki trumps them both. How about Iron… or Steel… or Spidey…?

        1. I think I did know a Loki once. It sounds familiar. Apparently they weren’t aware what a creep Loki was in the stories. Hey, I’ll kill my brother just for funsies!

          1. And you’ll work with even shadier intergalactic individuals to enslave worlds?
            Okay, actually, that does sound like fun. Maybe I should change my name…

          2. Speaking of comic heroes, here’s another one. What is it with Superman and the double L connection? Lois Lane, Lana Lang, Lex Luthor . . .

          3. Lionel Luther, Lightening Lad, Lara Lor-Van (Superman’s bio mom’s maiden name), Lucy Lane (Lois’ sister), etc… Those are the ones I could remember off the top of my head. Here’s an interesting thread on the topic: http://boards.straightdope.com/sdmb/showthread.php?p=10809884 – one of the thoughts is that alliterative names helped the creators remembers the different characters from each of the multitude of series they were working on.

    2. Cool, another comics nerd. I know Lightning Lad is a member of the Legion of Superheroes, or Legionaires, depending on which rehash they’re using. I guess the alliteration could help with that – would anyone remember Superman’s girlfriend’s name if it didn’t have the two Ls? Lois is very forgettable. The character that is. I’d like to forget her. Hey, Supes, you can have any girl you want. What gives?

      P.S. My big brother used to read me comic books (with all the best voices) to me as bedtime stories when I was a kid.

      1. BEST Big Brother ever!!! 😀

  15. Does anyone remember the TV series, Soap? I almost spit my soda when there was a character called Campbell Campbell because the hospital made a mistake on the birth certificate.

    1. Haha! I heard that Oprah was supposed to be Orpah, a name in the Bible. Orpah is even worse than Oprah. On the other hand, no one mixes her up with anybody. She doesn’t even need a last name. Like Madonna (pretty sure that’s her real name).

      1. writingmom2013 | Reply

        Orpah? That’s got to be fake. It sounds like a species of whale.

        1. It does. Meet my children, Orpah and Flipper!

  16. Okay, I must admit that I am a bit of an offender (that makes me sound like I need to be sent off to jail!). When I was young, some 24 years ago, I knew I wanted to name my first son “Luke”, a name I love and one that, at least then, was not common at all. However, I wanted a nod to all the John’s in my family, particularly my father, and my hubby at the time was “John”. But, I didn’t like the way Luke John InsertLastNameHere sounded for a name…it just didn’t flow to me at the time. So, then John Luke InsertLastNameHere, right? Which makes me an offender, right? But, then I was so neurotic that I didn’t like the way that sounded or flowed or whatever, so back to the drawing board. Aha! John Lucas! Sounds great, flows great! But, he goes by Luke because that’s the name I love. But, what a messed up way of naming my son Luke!! I would never ever do that again…mostly the name you want to call them as the middle name because you are right…everywhere he goes where you have to fill out paperwork…school, doctors, etc…they call him John. Ugh!
    Now, according to your rules I made another offense….though I think you would excuse this one. I wanted to name my daughter after my middle name, which I have always loved. Now, it has an unusual spelling, but that is because it is spelled an old-fashioned way as I was named after my mother’s dear friend (and I am almost the big five-oh, and was born very late in my parent’s lives). It’s actually a beautiful spelling…okay it’s Emelie, to put all suspense aside. It ended up being a very, very, very popular name for girls of her age, but that wasn’t known at the time of naming her. And her middle name is Anne, after my mother’s middle name and my paternal grandmother. But, and you probably already see it coming….one of THE most popular girl’s names for her age is….Emelie Anne (InsertLastNameHere). In case you were wondering. I can give their first and middle names because their last name is different than mine.
    Now, don’t get me wrong, I adore my kids names! (Not to mention adoring my kids)But, they do make me a huge offender…off to jail with me! LOL
    So glad you shared on this topic because all those weird and sparkly names do drive me nuts….the poor kids!!
    Peace to your heart
    p.s. We made no offenses with our youngest son, but his last name is the same as mine so I can’t tell you what it is. I do have a question…is it an offense to name your dog after the girls name you didn’t name your youngest son? LOL

    1. Oh, I love this comment. And I like John Lucas – I actually like the name John, period, which is one of the most basic names out there. And if we’d had a boy, we’d have had a Jack which would have made us an offender because Jack became popular again around that time. Though it’d often be Jackson or worse Jaxon. I’ve seen several of those. If you’d named him George Lucas, maybe you could have gotten into the Star Wars movies free? Come to think of it, is that why he named him Luke? Huh.

      I’ve not seen it spelled Emilie much, but I know Emily became popular. It’s a very old name, but a pretty one. And if it’s after a particular person, or spelled in the way of a certain culture, that makes sense to me. Just adding random letters is what seems strange in my opinion. I love Anne (with an e – ever seen Anne of Green Gables?) My mother says that she planned by name when she had my brother five and a half years before me. At that time, it wasn’t so popular. By the time I came around, they were EVERYWHERE. I now work with another person with my real name. I refuse to put an initial after it, and as I said, they can’t make me.

      My eldest has my mother’s middle name, and my youngest has my middle name. I thought the names were pretty, though. I feel for the kids who get saddled with something awful just to please a relative. Naturally, I feel like my kids have the most beautiful names of all, but I have to call them Things on here to protect the guilty.

      1. We didn’t name him Luke after Star Wars (I love your George Lucas comment!) but people would often say “Luke Skywalker!” or call him that, and still do sometimes, but more so when the movies first came out.
        And, a perfect example of why not to spell your children’s names an odd way is that you unknowingly spelled it “Emilie” when it is actually “Emelie”! LOL How funny, really. But, still, since it’s a family name I wouldn’t change it if I could…and I really like it with all the “e”s in it.

        1. Ah! See I can’t transfer letters from one spot to another. At least your Emelie can say she’s the Emelie with all the “e”s. No initial after the name for her!

  17. “Last names as first names. This is really popular these days. Especially the presidential trend. Kennedy, Madison, Reagan, Clinton, Garfield, Bush, etc. What happens if one of these people marries someone with that last name? Hello there, Mrs Kennedy Kennedy, how are you?”

    Oops…I fail. I named my son after our 16th President, Abraham Lincoln and I didn’t choose Abraham.

    I rarely see any other last name’s as Lincoln except Andrew Lincoln from The Walking Dead but that is the only time I’ve seen Lincoln as last name. Besides, he’s a boy, he won’t have to change his name if he gets married, I hope. (I have a male aquaintance who changed his last name to match his wife’s, something I had never heard of).

    And I’m hoping he doesn’t choose a wife who’s first name is Lincoln, that is just weird.

    So I get the dunce cap I guess?

    1. OH and I wonder if you’ve passed by MY current “Pet Peeve” list. I didn’t mention names but I mention other things that just make me go “WTF”: http://claudiabette.wordpress.com/2013/07/11/oh-no-please-dont-do-that/

      But back to names…I’m actually liking Mycroft….I’m guilty!! LOL

      1. Mycroft? Where is that from? Is it short for Microsoft? My friend Ravin has kids with names from Lord of the Rings. I’m surprised she hasn’t shown up here yet. Not only are the from that book series, they’re from an obscure book in that series, so people really scratch their heads.

        1. Mycroft Holmes is Sherlock Holmes brother. I think of “Minecraft” but now I’m gonna think of Microsoft!

          1. What about Watson? No one gives Dr. Watson any credit.

          2. I’m sorry but to me Watson sounds like a big fat bald man (no offense to Dr. Watson from the Sherlock Holmes series). When I was married and pregnant 10 years ago and my then husband and I were choosing names, he wanted Sullivan and I instantly thought of a big bald fat guy to. Or that his nickname would be Sully and then everyone would think of a big blue monster from a Pixar movie…..Blegh.

          3. Sully! Oh, my, I agree. I think the same thing of Watson. And Sherlock, that would be really bad. Everyone would be saying “No shit, Sherlock” and laughing like it was the first time the kid had ever heard it.

    2. I have a cousin named Lincoln. At least you picked a good president, so you’re cool. 😀 I knew a person with a kid named Kennedy, and ironically she was incredibly conservative. I wanted to ask if she realized she named her kid after a lib’ral Democrat, but refrained.

      1. Oh, yeah, and the Kennedy was a girl. So you might get a Lincoln Lincoln, who knows?

      2. I did pick a good president! The best one there was! In my opinion anyway. My boy always gets raised eyebrows when he tells others his name and I tell him he is automatically #1 at parties on 4th of July and Presidents Day! Ha!

  18. I can’t stand it when people choose names after popular literature characters, like Alice in…..um, never mind.

    1. Hahahaha! At least Alice had brain cells, unlike Bella. Also, Alice in Wonderland is sadly not nearly as popular as Twilight.

      1. Not any more. But when it came out people didn’t even know what Twilight was…

          1. Yes, yes they were. Alice is still in my top 5 favorite Disney movies ever, but the Carroll stories are always my favorite.

    2. LMAO! You are in trouble Twindaddy! HAHAHA!

  19. The calling a child by the middle name thing can work, but it has to happen from day one. I know it can work from personal experience. Most everyone that knows me calls me by my middle name. That’s not something I started, it’s something my mother did.

    But yes, please, please,please stay away from sparkly names, or names that label a kid as an ultra-hippie. All one is doing at that point is asking for the child to grow up and join the Tea Party just to get even.

    1. Yes! I so agree. That’s why I try not to push my kids in any one direction – I know they’re going to go the opposite if I do, and I’d really, really lose it if they joined the Tea Party. I don’t like that particular tea party, even if I am Alice.

      I know some people call you by your middle name, and others by your first name. I guess you get used to it? Both my mother and brother go by middle names, and are often called by their first names.

      I think one thing is certain – your kids are not likely to find others with the same names. Actually, few people have the same names as my kids either.

  20. I once encountered a 6 year old called – and I joke not – ‘Chanel Dolce Armani’. I am seriously not joking. I am still dumbfounded.

    1. I know an Enjoli. Maybe they can both work at snooty department stores?

  21. I named my kids after the noises we made conceiving them: so meet Urrr, Nmpf, Gaah and Oohk.

    1. Is there also a OH MY GOD, or for short OMG?

      1. No, but we may name the latest Wasthatit. Kinda catchy!

        1. Haha! Beats Thecondombroke, I guess.

  22. The other day I saw a business card for a US Congressman named Dick Swett. Why would you not go by Rich?

    1. Ewww. We had a lawyer in town with the last name of Swindell. I always thought that appropriate.

  23. I hate when people use initials for their kids… so either you were either too lazy to come up with an actual name, or you are too lazy to say the actual name… or possibly the name is just so atrocious that initials are better… (i.e. B.J. for Bartholomew Jeremiah ~ why give them a terrible name then? also would you want your kid called B.J.? I mean really think about it… that’s just mean and horrible… )

    1. Yes! That is annoying. I remember D.J. on Full House. Yet one more reason to hate that show. But arguably, B.J. is much worse.

  24. The names you find from Utah are horrendous for being ‘speshul’ and ‘youneek’, especially when they try to ‘originalize’ scriptural names.

    My sister said the most unfortunate name she ever heard on a man was ‘Hymen’. Yeah. She knew a Hymen at one of her workplaces. She always had to stifle a giggle at that, while the woman next to her, who had borne four children, didn’t get the joke.

    1. Hymen, oh dear. I guess she could have told the woman “that’s the thing that’s supposed to be intact for you to be pure and wholesome.”

  25. Love the post. I think you would appreciate this article: http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2013/05/02/new-zealand-banned-baby-names_n_3202017.html
    Some countries feel the same way you do and have banned certain baby names. So if you have your heart set on naming your kid Lucifer…don’t move to New Zealand.

    1. I knew some countries had restrictions on names. It seems harsh, but Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii? That kid may be thanking the judge later. Same for the one who would’ve gotten Anal for a name. Good grief.

      1. I mean Talula Does the Hula from Hawaii is just hard to say!

        1. And who doesn’t know the Hula is from Hawaii anyway? That would have taken off two words right there.

  26. A girl used to work for me by the name of Sandy Beach. Odd thing is that I never even noticed it until my wife pointed it out. Another odd thing is that she hated me (Beach lady, not my wife). She had no room to hate….

    1. My father had a student named Summer Pool. Even worse, names like Santa for a person with the last name Klaus? Try reserving a room with that name without getting laughed out of the hotel.

  27. Just remember: Cookies are a sometimes kid.

    1. True. Too many Cookies can make you sick.

  28. I agree with this entire post.

    1. Thanks, goldfish! I just knew someone was going to go HEY about a certain name or names, but luckily everyone has a good sense of humor. How else can we survive our names?

      1. I’m lucky I have a relatively normal first name, but my last name is ridiculous.

        1. Yeah, you don’t get a chance to change your last name, unless you marry. How about the last name Loser. That’s tough.

          1. Yeah, that’s a rough one. I feel sorry for people with awful last names.

  29. Here’s hoping this doesn’t become a trend: http://m.theweek.com/article.php?id=236939

    1. Charming. I’d heard of poor Hashtag. Did any of them consider that stuff on the Internet generally has a short lifespan? I wonder if five years ago anyone named their child MySpace? Her classmates are probably very puzzled now, as will Facebook, Hashtag and possibly even Google’s classmates years from now. Like will just – yeah Like is just, like, screwed.

  30. People also need to keep their last names in mind when naming their children. I used to work with a Thomas Thomas and a Holly Day.

    1. I had a teacher whose maiden name was Chest. First name: Treasure. Why, people, why???

  31. You realize I violated one of your rules to give Princess Fartypants a middle name that was basically naming her after you?
    And I think a far out first name is more excusable if you give them a normal middle name so they can have it to fall back on if the first embarasses them later.

    I think you also left out villain names. I once met a five year old named Anakin. The Man nixed a name I liked because it was after a character who was too dark.

    And changing a spelling just so you can use a name that doesn’t fit but keep some ridiculous pattern. I cite certain Duggar children.

    1. So then her middle name is the more normal one? Haha. Not sure how you violated the rule . . . it’s only bad if the middle name you pass down is an awful one. I think Anakin would have been cute, and easier to spell. I mean, yeah he killed tons of people but they turned him back to good at the end, so jeez.

      Ugh, there is no excuse for the names of the Duggar children. Or the number. That many fundies . . . shudder.

      1. Invented spelling. With a y no less.

  32. Amongst Afrikaans South Africans there is a trend to come up with a combo name made up of both parents’ names. I had a friend whose name is Malanie and her husband is Riaan, and they name their daughter Melandri. And they believe it is meant to show their originality. I didn’t stick around to see what they called the next one…Rilanie? Lanrie? Dunno, but I find it hugely annoying.

    1. Apparently Mormons sometimes do this too. In Twilight they named the demon vampire kid Reneesme which was a combo of Renee and Esme. And a reallllly awful name. Not sure why I focus on that out of all the awfulness but . . . Reneesme?

      1. Don’t kill me, but I think Renesmee is a cute name. Naming your kid Renesmee is not very original, though. So still, don’t.

        1. I admit it is a better baby name than hashtag or Facebook.

  33. Neville Neville, there is just no need for that sort of naming tomfoolery and why do people with the surname Ramsbottom not just change it, it’s only £25 to change it to something more awesome like something that I can’t think of right now.

    1. Ramsbottom, oh my. Can you change your last name by choice or are you stuck till you get married? And if you’re a guy, are you stuck period, unless you change to your wife’s name? Or hypenate and make it even worse?

      1. You can change your name, any sane person would, although the abuse I fear would have been a thing that one would have got used to, before they turned whatever age it is that you can change your name. Unless they are one of those people that go out of their way to have the bestest most hilarious last name…there are some like that I believe.

  34. Says the woman who named her kids Thing One and Thing Two…

    Although, I named my daughter Baby E, so I can’t really say much…

    1. Would you believe those aren’t their real names? I tried to name them in New Zealand and they were SO picky.

  35. I think that it was in “freakonomics” one could read that people with lower socio-economic status give their children “long, fancy names” in comparison to others:)

    1. Could be. I did read that book.

  36. My son is nicknamed “Beast”. It was unintentional, but I think it’s pretty cool. A lot of moms call their boys by these really embarrassing pet names. I’ve personally heard “Boo”, “Boo-boo”, “Bubba”, etc.

    When my son was an infant, we just called him “Bee”, for “Baby”. When he turned out to be a huge toddler with a bad temper, it turned into “Beast”.

    This is something that really gets me. As a teacher, it’s difficult to get the kids names straight when there are 3 Aidens, 2 Jaydens, and a Brayden. Anytime I called for one of them, they all thought I was talking to them. And they were all spelled differently! Aidan, Aiden, Jayden, Jaidan, etc.

    And then there are the kids with the obnoxiously spelled names, like you mentioned. I get so angry when I’m looking at my roll sheet, and I can’t figure out how to pronounce the fricken name. Brieahannah? If it’s an ethnic name, okay, I get it. It’s just beyond my culture. But why all of the unnecessary letters. It’s Breanna for heavens sake!

    1. Thing Two used to growl at me as a baby, so I guess I could have called her Beast. I do not envy you the Aidens, Jaydens, and Braydens, or the endless “Br” names. They are everywhere.

      1. Ha ha, she growled? It must have been adorable in its own way.

        I once had a Kindergarten class with at least five kids with those “aiden” names. The was of a group of fifteen. And the worst part was that I only taught that class once a week! I think it took until the end of the school year for me to actually get it right. Too little, too late!

  37. The spelling of names differently kind of annoys me for e.g. Jackson becomes Jaxon, Connor becomes Kona and so on….
    I recently met a girl named ‘Chilli’. To be honest the name suited this little girl. But I don’t know how it will sound when she grows up into a young adult? “Is Chilli present?”

    1. The Jaxon one really gets me because it’s just, it’s just wrong. Quit messing with the name Jack, I like that name. Oy. Though I guess it still beats Chilli. IS she supposed to be the food or the weather?

  38. Another thing is to not name your kid an “old” name that has a “modern” version. I’ve gone through life being called “Louise” because people refuse to hear “Louisa”. Even in emails I’ve sent to people, the reply has come back “dear Louise” and I’ve been very tempted to respond with “Dear X, can you not read?” I did go through a phase of mis-spelling people’s names at them – “Amanda” for example became “Amande” just to prove the point.

    My parents couldn’t stand the idea of me taking the name “Hild” as a second name when I was clothed as a Novice, because they don’t like the name Hilda. But they seem absolutely fine with a grandson called Chase Utah. (I ended up using my middle name, so I’m Louisa Ann in community, which of course you know because of my having Squirrel on FB.)

    1. I definitely like Louisa better than Louise. Louisa sounds pretty, whereas Louise makes me think Louuuueeeezzze, like that woman on The Jeffersons. I’m actually covering Louisa May Alcott for an exhibit. Interesting woman.

      1. After 33 years of being called “Louise”, I’ve given up on correcting people. Although I do joke that she’s my evil twin! It’s also one of the reasons why I started calling myself “Lou” instead.

        Isn’t Jo in Little Women based on LMA? I certainly liked that book, but I don’t think I’ve read anything else of her, or about her, but I think she has a cool name!

        1. Yes, Little Women is based on her life with her mother and sisters. Dad is off at war because in real life he was a real jerk.

          1. Sounds like a good way to write out an unpleasant character! Pity EL James didn’t take the hint!!

  39. I just recently found out I am pregnant and am having a difficult time trying to think of names that are not too common without being ridiculous. I have been stuck on the name Tennyson for a long time. Just for my peace of mind, is this a completely stupid name??

    1. Like the poet, I’m assuming? If it’s something special to you, why not? I mean, sure he’ll get teased, but so do most people no matter the name. And at least there won’t be a million others!

  40. […] good, you’re thinking.  Now Alice is going to tell us how to parent, just like she told us what to name our children. In my defense, I wouldn’t have to tell people what to name their children if they didn’t […]

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