Hello codeine, my old friend

I am sick.  Bronchitis.  I think.  I’m not actually sure.  I went to that doctor place (If you will recall last fall I wrote all about it and included instructions on how to make your own yurt out of the paper they put on the examining tables.  You’re welcome.) and the sort-of doctor (they call them nurse practitioners) listened to my chest.  I informed him that my chest always sounds good when I have pneumonia like I did last fall.  He prescribed me antibiotics and had a nurse give me two shots – one in each cheek.  Not my face cheeks.

At the SAME TIME, several states away, my psychic twin, Merbear, experienced tingling in her bum cheeks.  Coincidence?  I think not.  If we can just get our evidence together, we are totally going to get a spot in a Time Life book, provided they ever make one again.

We will be famous!

We will be famous!

Anyway, he didn’t feel the need to tell me what was wrong and I didn’t feel the need to ask.  Meds.  Woot.  The promise of lifting the brick off my chest.  I liked that idea.  I’m not sure why I keep getting sick.  It could be the asthma and allergies and the fact that I am allergic to the entire planet.  Or that thick layer of dust that lays on my blinds.  And my chest of drawers.  And the entertainment center.  And the floor.  I looked at that a lot while I was lying in bed and pondered this.  Then I went to sleep.

I missed some work, but now I am back and fit as a fiddle, which really isn’t fit if you think about it.  A fiddle is kinda pear shaped, which is better than apple shaped, but still not exactly model potential here.  I think you’d need a flute for that.  But I’m here.  I slept relatively well thanks to codeine which was brought to me by Jeremiah the bullfrog.  I never understood a single word he said, but I helped him drink the cough syrup.

Thank you,  Jeremiah.  You are a great friend of mine.

Thank you, Jeremiah. You are a great friend of mine.

What was I saying?  Yes.  I am at work.  I am here.  I think.  A student walked in and out and later my boss asked if he was here and I was like, um, yes.  I mean no.  Wait – who?  Did I imagine him?  Possible.  I’m going to go with yes.  I said yes.  I am slowly sliding out of my chair.

Earlier I tried to print something.  I sent one page to the printer.  I thought I did. Instead the printer decided to print the entire document, which is a very large document, so I said “Stop it,” and smacked the cancel button.  After spitting out three more pages, it stopped.  Good.  So I tried sending the one page again.  And it started printing the entire document.  Again.  So I started smacking the cancel key, again, and this time I was really getting personal.  “Stop it! Stop itttttt!  Now, now, now, you stupid printer!”  And it stopped, because it ran out of paper.  So I put more in.  And then it started up again, spitting out the entire document, only this time starting all over again at the beginning.

I bet those guys were behind the printer malfunction.  You saw them too, right?  Right?

I bet those guys were behind the printer malfunction. You saw them too, right? Right?

I hit cancel again and turned it off, and then on.  That solves everything.  I hit enter, and guess what it did?  If you guessed tried to print the entire document again, you win!  I mashed the button, and said some more choice words, and might have done a little dance of Anger.  At some point, it finally decided to print out just one page, the page I wanted in the first place.  And then I realized I really only needed to just write down one sentence from that page and it would have been fine.  This whole time my boss had been watching me.  I’m not sure if I was entertaining her, or if she was just too nervous to intervene.

I might not be ready for work.  My head feels like it is filled with cotton.  I keep sliding out of my chair.  I stare at the screen and see tiny pixels dance across it.  I swear the codeine had to have worn off by now.  Where am I?  I don’t even remember driving here exactly.  Soon I will go downstairs and serve coffee in the library coffee shop.  Why?  I don’t know.  That doesn’t make sense when I’m well.  I am certain they will appreciate the extra cough with the coffee.  Do you get it?  I don’t either.

It is 10:45 AM.  I only have to make it till 5 PM.  What time is it now?

I am at work.  It counts.

I am at work. It counts.

41 responses

  1. Please get well soon. … I’m afraid it’s just 10:46 – but at least 1 minute less.

    1. It is now 2:20 . . . that means . . . something hours to go . . .

  2. Hope you get well soon.

    Until then, try to avoid selling too many coughees. The customer might actually return it at a later date and you’ll be right back where you are now – wherever that is.

    1. fortunately, for me anyway, only one person bought coffee on my shift.

  3. Yikes… I hope you didn’t drive to work today!

    1. Pretty sure I did. It’s a short drive.

      1. Haha, I like how you are only ‘pretty sure’. Oh codeine.

  4. I used to go to the library and read those Time Life Mysteries of the Universe books. They were fascinating.

    1. They probably still have them. I know there’s some at this library. Just don’t make ’em like that anymore.

      1. No, they just make NatGeo and History Channel documentaries.

  5. You poor thing, I hope you get well really soon. (so that you can enjoy the wondrous effects of codeine the right way 😉 )

    1. I do like the pretty colors.

  6. Get well soon, Alice!! I hope the day zips by so you can get back under your covers and rest. Hang in there.

    1. Thank you. Covers, bed, rest – those sound like good things. Nearly fell asleep in the lounge at lunch.

  7. Why oh why don’t they allow sick people to have sick days off at home and away from work?! You used to get PAID to keep your sick ass home and away from work. Damn this economy that forces sick people to come cough on customers or lose their jobs!

    I am outraged on your account. I know you must have been forced to come in to work when you were not functional.

    1. Yeah, I used to have sick leave and vacation time built up – then I got pneumonia last year and missed a freaking month of work. That stuff SUCKS. So now I have very little sick leave – actually I just used it up again. I’ll probably need to take vacation for part of it. Oh, what a vacation! Woot. At least I didn’t have to visit La Resorta de Enferma this time.

      1. Oh, I don’t like that Resorta. The level of service just sucks. They kept waking me up to give me sleeping pills when I stayed there last.

  8. Ohhhh…Codeine and me do NOT mix. I pass out uncontrolably after taking it.

  9. No, you don’t really have 6 fingers…..

    1. Good. Inigo won’t try to kill me now.

      1. *phew* That was close. We wouldn’t want that particular Spaniard to have a vendetta against you. Still, just be on the safe side, you should probably keep any eye out for Fezzick. Also, if you see someone in a mask, they are not to be trusted… unless they bring you more codeine.

  10. I am the worst at codeine. It makes me fall asleep and drool within minutes, usually on the floor. Or on people. These are both things that have happened.

    Feel better!

    Stupid printer.

    1. Yeah, fortunately my cough wasn’t too severe this time, as I can only take it at night, when I want to fall asleep and drool – though preferably on a bed. I once took a Benadryl before church with my inlaws, and a very similar thing happened. I was sliding out of the pew.

      That printer was messing with me on purpose, I’m pretty sure. I’m feeling better now. It should know I’m armed with a baseball bat now.

  11. Hope you feel better soon. And as you sleep, dream of beating the printer with a baseball bat.

    1. Thanks. Sweet dreams indeed!

  12. I actually squealed a bit when I saw the Mind Over Matter book… I knew exactly what it was, and the commercial that went with it. I miss Judy, the Time Life Operator (I smell a future Retro TV ad post)…

    Oh, it’s now 4:13 AM. Hope you are feeling better, Alice!

    1. Much better, thank you evil squirrel. I miss Judy too, and those charming Time Life commercials. I have to hit up Mer – we could have a field day with one of those. Surely youtube has one!

  13. Much sympathy! Hope you’re feeling better soon. Xxx

    1. With a little faithhopechocolate, I have! Also codeine.

  14. Now that it’s the “next day” I hope you are feeling a bit better!
    I’ve never had codeine. I’m not currently ill or anything but I might give it a try. It sounds like fun 🙂

    1. Woot. It’s a trip alright. Sometimes Daddy needs a “little helper” too.

  15. Hope the codeine helped…..or Jeremiah was a little amusing, if nothing else! Feel better.

    1. Jeremiah was most entertaining, though the spider I saw the next day was not. Spider was real, and caught in a little box and left thoughtfully on the kitchen counter by my husband.

  16. Have you ever considered not having bronchitis? I’ve found that it’s a lot more pleasant than having it.

    1. Cap'n Deadbones | Reply

      What an excellent idea! Along those lines, I have just now decided I don’t have depression! Abracadabra! Shit, it didn’t work.

      1. Have you tried vitamins, Cap’n? Tom Cruise swears by them. Of course he jumps up and down on a couch and worships an alien called Xenu, so take that as you will.

        1. Cap'n Deadbones | Reply

          Tom Cruise is my hero. And I love the warrior princess.

    2. (headslap) Why didn’t I think of that?

  17. I hope you feel better soon…that stuff just makes me vomit.

    1. Bronchitis or codeine? The codeine was not the worst I’ve tasted, but it wasn’t yummy for certain. Still – better than prune juice. I cannot stomach that stuff.

  18. […] is the second post in a row that owes a debt of inspiration to Alice at Wonderland, as she mentioned the old series in a post last week.  And now, here is the first of several 120 second spots Time-Life ran for this […]

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