More Chipper Cheatin’ Songs!

When I wrote Chipper Cheatin’ Songs, I knew there were plenty I was leaving out.  Thankfully, I have readers who help jog my gerbil memory.  Another of these cheating lover songs with a strangely happy beat is “Christie Lee” by Billy Joel.  Really, this one tops both Dion and Rick, possibly because Joel is singing this as if it was someone else who got messed around by Christie Lee.  Thanks to James for bringing this one up.

In case you don’t know the story, Billy Joel was once married to Christie Brinkley, the model pushing 60 who still looks like she’s in her 30s possibly due to a contract with Satan.  Anyway, while Billy is clearly a musical genius, if you’ve ever had a gander at him, he looks a lot like Kermit the Frog.  So their romance was rather fairy tale like, even inspiring the song “Uptown Girl” where Billy actually picks up Christie at a mechanic’s shop all while singing doo-wop and dancing around in his coveralls.  He never gets in trouble for screwing off at work, probably because the boss was also getting his motor revved by Christie.  But that’s a happy song, and we’re looking at the Romance Gone Bad ones.

Look, I was just wanting you to change the oil . . .

Look, I was just wanting you to change the oil . . .

Now it starts out okay, as Billy tells us about a story about a saxophone playing man whose name he doesn’t remember (so he calls him “Joe”) and this girl named Christie Lee.   As he says, Christie is a “nice piece of music with a rhythm all her own” and “she really dug his saxophone.”  Now I might be wrong here, but I’m thinking maybe he’s not just talking about music.   Anyway, things start going downhill pretty quickly, though the beat stays relentlessly jazzy.

Billy says “she didn’t need another lover / all she wanted was the sax.”  Oh, hey, I think I get what you’re saying here, Billy.  Or – um, maybe?  He goes on to say “Yes the man had the power to perform / But Christie Lee was more than he knew how to handle / She didn’t need him as a man / all she wanted was the horn.”  I’m not sure what to make of this.  So, let’s just say, for giggles, he’s referring to the horn as his own personal, um, package.  Are we saying Christie only wants his horn?  As in for the “sax” or as a personal momento?  Let’s hope it’s the sax.

She really digs his saxophone

She totally digs my saxophone . . .

Whatever it is, Christie Lee dumps poor Joe but he ends up okay, no worries.  He takes up a new career and everything.

“They say that Joe became a wino / They say he always drinks alone / They say he stumbles like a blind man / They say he sold his saxophone.”

Okay, so I feel a little better now.  He just sold the sax, she didn’t steal it.  Wait.  I’m getting my innuendos all mixed up here.  Anyway, there’s a moral to this story.  “The only time you hit the high notes / Is when you play the Christie Lee.”  Uh hmm.  Yes.  I’ll just bet you hit a lot of high notes there, Billy, er, I mean, Joe.  Of course, Joe.

Ironically, he came up with this song long before he and Christie divorced.  I have to think he made the song up for Christie, since, well, that’s her name, and it’s even spelled the same.  But what an odd song to write for your wife, there.  Hey, honey, here’s a song about some chick that sleeps with guys for their, er, instruments.  I wrote it for you!  No wonder they divorced.

Christie got even with him by painting this album cover.

Christie got even with him by painting this album cover.

Anyway, so there’s one more Chipper Cheatin’ song down.  No video for that one, but you can check out the song on youtube if you don’t mind staring at a Billy Joel album cover for three minutes.

Oh, but in case you were wondering about poor Dion, another reader, wordsurfer, let me know that he moved on.  Boy did he move on.  Like with every single girl in town.  As he says, “Oh well, there’s Flo on my left and there’s Mary on my right / And Janie is the girl that I’ll be with tonight / And when she asks me, which one I love the best? / I tear open my shirt I got Rosie on my chest.”  I’m guessing he has a tattoo of Rosie’s name on his chest, not Rosie herself clinging to his chest, though the song doesn’t make that totally clear.  It doesn’t seem like the best idea to tattoo a girl’s name on you if you’re going to be going out with lots of girls, but oh well.  Interestingly, they call him the “Wanderer” rather than the “Slut” because he’s a guy, see, and guys are cool when they sleep around, do ya dig?

Once again we’ve got Dion with his backup singers clappin’ and a snappin’ in the background, playing for an audience that looks like they were given a hefty dose of Valium in their drinks.  Enjoy!

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46 responses

  1. I guess Christie Lee would never fall for the band’s piccoloist….

    I always loved the fact that Dion’s two best known songs from the early days of his career were, together, one of the most blatant double standards in music history. Poor Runaround Sue gets slammed while he celebrates his Wandererness…

    1. No, the sax was just too good for Christie to go for a piccolo . . .

      What cracks me up the most about Dion, beyond the double standards, is the audience he is playing for both times. They don’t act like they really approve of either song. But they don’t look angry either. It’s like they’re just bored, or possibly stoned. Although in the Wanderer video, I love where they first pan to the audience (1:24), and there is a man and a woman at the table. The man grins really big and the woman has this kind of fakey smile like, you wish you jerk.

      Also, how did they fit so many people on that tiny stage? And why are there two girls happy to be singing this? Is that Flo and Mary? I could have made an entire post just on that video alone.

  2. Lol, can’t deal with Billy Joel. That one guy in the Dion video was jammin’. Maybe his valium wore off. Lol as Dion was talking about tearing his shirt off.

    1. Oh I know, he can’t quite bear to even tug at his shirt – he’d have to move his hands farther than six inches apart. Boo-gie.

  3. So if the saxophone is his euphemism for his gold penis and he sold his “saxophone,” what does that mean exactly?

    1. I was wondering about that as well…

      1. So many questions. Is saxophone just sax or the horn?

    2. The word ‘saxophone” was used in the song because it’s very difficult to rhyme something with “skin flute”.

    3. My question too – maybe Christie Lee was a Bobbitt?

  4. After all it seems that Christie has a good contract with you-know-who , she still looks great. Sadly it is common that some girls only want the “instrument” and not the guy.

    1. I don’t get that at all. Men’s instruments are really not that impressive. They’re kind of weird, actually.

  5. Fastest way to kill a relationship is to get their name tattooed on you. And if you have to ask the tattoo artist how hard it’s going to be to cover that shit up WHILE HE’S DOING IT, you probably shouldn’t have even walked into the shop. True story bro.

    1. Yeah, good point there. You can throw out a ring but a tat’s forevers – unless you like pain.

  6. “Turn up the sound! Billy, drum louder. Damn, I think they’ve actually fallen asleep. Flo, Mary, more power in the doo-wop, c’mon now! Remember, I told you, if we’re cheerful enough they won’t notice that I’m singing about the joys of sleeping around.”
    I can almost hear him. I think he whispered that while the camera was looking at the audience.

    1. I know – he’s so calm, tiny dance, tiny dance, mince steps, mince steps, smile, almost look sexy almost almost, nope, tight smile, mince steps . . .

  7. In “ye olden days” I don’t think anyone really cared about the subject of the song as long as the artist looked suitably well attired.
    Why, with that smart hairdo and rather dapper suit, I bet he could’ve sung about “popping a cap in your ass” and no-one would have raised an eyebrow 🙂

    1. As long as he sang it in that suit with that slightly constipated expression.

  8. Here’s an old Country Music song I played on the radio many years ago: “Your Wife Is Cheatin’ On Us Again”.

    1. Oh, dear. “Your Wife is Cheatin’ On Us Again” is just … well, in a way, it’s priceless, isn’t it?

    2. I love it. Trust Country music to come up with it. I also like the one where the wife leaves with the dog and he misses the dog. Or “She got the gold mine, and I got the shaft.” It’s tough being country. I’ve got another post . . .

  9. I just had to look up how Christie looks now and you’re right. She looks better than I do and she’s way older.

    1. Scary, isn’t it? I can’t think of any other explanation for it.

      1. I mean, she was always gorgeous, but you’d think there would be an expiration date on that.

        1. You would think – on the other hand, she’s been married and divorced three times so her looks haven’t exactly bought her total happiness.

  10. The “Rosie” thing is even more disturbing to me because that’s my sister’s dog’s name.

  11. Cap'n Deadbones | Reply

    I used a girl for her sax once, but I told her not to play it because she sucked.

    1. Um . . . there . . . yeah.

      1. Cap'n Deadbones | Reply

        Nothing, huh?

        1. It made me laugh.

          1. Cap'n Deadbones

            Well, that’s something.

  12. Have you seen the video to “Uptown Girl”? Not only do they prance around the mechanic shop, they even manage to synchronise their spanners at one point. I can’t watch that video without falling about laughing…

    1. Yes, I love that video. It’s my favorite song ever, but the video cracks me up. The way they creepily run around after Christie all over the mechanic’s shop . . .

      1. Not to mention that I don’t think she even drove in, did she? She just walked past…

  13. It was me on Dion’s right, I admit. I think he gave me herpes.

    1. Between Dion and Sue I’d think anyone would be picking up VD. Possibly even the band members from standing too closely.

      1. They did look a little pallid.

        1. Might explain the jerky movements too.

          1. Eh gads. Those poor man whores.

  14. Isn’t there a difference between being a man-slit and cheating? I mean, the whole point of the wanderer was that he didn’t commit. You can’t cheat if you don’t commit in the first place. There’s a whole other sub-genre of songs about one person thinking there’s a commitment when there isn’t.

    1. I meant man-slut. Stupid autocorrect…

    2. you would have to overanalyze it.

  15. My favorite is “It Wasn’t Me”. It’s got an upbeat reggae beat. “Picture this we were both butt naked/bangin’ on the bathroom floor” etc.

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