Today I’d like to introduce you guys to Sparky. Say “Hello,” Sparky.
Thank you. Now Sparky is a blogger who is way more famous than you are. He’s so famous, in fact, that no one has ever heard of him. But now he’s come out of hiding and has lots of tips for people just starting out. Take it away, Sparky.
If you wanna get read, you gotta let people see what you’ve written. So be sure to put at least three links back to your own stuff in every post you write. Here’s one Alice wrote, for example. Also, you can link to other bloggers, but only really famous bloggers like the Bloggess. “Yo, Bloggess, Wazzup?” is something I often say while we are hanging out.
You gotta leave a bunch of comments on the posts of other bloggers if you want comments on yours. Don’t bother reading their posts, you don’t have that kind of time. Just say it was great, and then just happen to slip in a link back to one of your posts. This works especially well on blogs like, oh I don’t know, the Bloggess. Don’t worry if the link has nothing to do with the post. You didn’t read it anyway, right? How could they expect you to know? Here’s an example:
Cool post! Oh hey I wrote http://www.sparkywonderblogger.wordpress.com/coffeeenemas. Whoops, where’d that link come from?
Worship certain bloggers.
Everyone’s gotta have a hero, right? Be sure and let your bloggy hero know how much he or she is appreciated. Leave multiple novel length comments on every one of their posts praising them as the god or goddess they are. Write hundreds of posts dedicated to said blogger. Try to friend the blogger on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Tumblr, etc. Find out where he lives. Send her long descriptive emails, or at least an e-card, several times a day. You won’t fail to make a great impression on them. You’ll be besties in no time!
Send out lots of those chainmail awards.
Who doesn’t like bling? Especially bling that comes with a lot of freaking work involved! Be sure and send a LOT of these awards out. It doesn’t matter if someone actually gave you the award to begin with. Just rip one off of someone else’s blog. It’s called copy / paste. Then send it to dozens of your blog pals, along with a list of demands. They must answer all the questions, and ask new questions, do the hokey pokey, and then link to a dozen other bloggers like the best pyramid scheme ever. If you’re super creative, you can make up your own award. Like this one Alice made up.
Inflate your blog.
So you have 2 followers, and one is you, and the other is your dog. No problems. Just get on Facebook and Twitter and randomly friend as many people as possible. It counts in the stats! Then display your follower number for all to see. You might also want a few dozen awards displayed in your side bar. An impressive one is that blue “Freshly Pressed” symbol. Haven’t been pressed yet? No problems. Remember the old copy / paste. Bam, you are an instant success. People will be begging to follow you now.
Declare yourself Ruler of the Blogosphere.
Now that you know what to do, you have to act like you are the best blogger ever. Be as conceited as possible. Form admiration societies for yourself. Remember, your poops are like freshly pressed cinnamon rolls.