Today I’d like to introduce you guys to Sparky. Say “Hello,” Sparky.
Thank you. Now Sparky is a blogger who is way more famous than you are. He’s so famous, in fact, that no one has ever heard of him. But now he’s come out of hiding and has lots of tips for people just starting out. Take it away, Sparky.
If you wanna get read, you gotta let people see what you’ve written. So be sure to put at least three links back to your own stuff in every post you write. Here’s one Alice wrote, for example. Also, you can link to other bloggers, but only really famous bloggers like the Bloggess. “Yo, Bloggess, Wazzup?” is something I often say while we are hanging out.
You gotta leave a bunch of comments on the posts of other bloggers if you want comments on yours. Don’t bother reading their posts, you don’t have that kind of time. Just say it was great, and then just happen to slip in a link back to one of your posts. This works especially well on blogs like, oh I don’t know, the Bloggess. Don’t worry if the link has nothing to do with the post. You didn’t read it anyway, right? How could they expect you to know? Here’s an example:
Cool post! Oh hey I wrote http://www.sparkywonderblogger.wordpress.com/coffeeenemas. Whoops, where’d that link come from?
Worship certain bloggers.
Everyone’s gotta have a hero, right? Be sure and let your bloggy hero know how much he or she is appreciated. Leave multiple novel length comments on every one of their posts praising them as the god or goddess they are. Write hundreds of posts dedicated to said blogger. Try to friend the blogger on Facebook, Twitter, Google Plus, Tumblr, etc. Find out where he lives. Send her long descriptive emails, or at least an e-card, several times a day. You won’t fail to make a great impression on them. You’ll be besties in no time!
Send out lots of those chainmail awards.
Who doesn’t like bling? Especially bling that comes with a lot of freaking work involved! Be sure and send a LOT of these awards out. It doesn’t matter if someone actually gave you the award to begin with. Just rip one off of someone else’s blog. It’s called copy / paste. Then send it to dozens of your blog pals, along with a list of demands. They must answer all the questions, and ask new questions, do the hokey pokey, and then link to a dozen other bloggers like the best pyramid scheme ever. If you’re super creative, you can make up your own award. Like this one Alice made up.
Inflate your blog.
So you have 2 followers, and one is you, and the other is your dog. No problems. Just get on Facebook and Twitter and randomly friend as many people as possible. It counts in the stats! Then display your follower number for all to see. You might also want a few dozen awards displayed in your side bar. An impressive one is that blue “Freshly Pressed” symbol. Haven’t been pressed yet? No problems. Remember the old copy / paste. Bam, you are an instant success. People will be begging to follow you now.
Declare yourself Ruler of the Blogosphere.
Now that you know what to do, you have to act like you are the best blogger ever. Be as conceited as possible. Form admiration societies for yourself. Remember, your poops are like freshly pressed cinnamon rolls.
I declare myself Ruler of the Blogsphere.
Now you’re getting it!
Sparky rules, and you’ve pointed out why. How does he feel about his blog-esteem strategies being revealed? Might have lost a follower by outing the little peanut looking guy.
I am my own hero. I am the wind beneath my wings.
You shouldn’t stand so close to my wings.
It’s funny to watch you wobble.
Is it cold there in your shadow?
With these tips, the distance to success will be smaller than the distance between your foot and knee.
Yeah, I can’t see any reason why they wouldn’t be hugely successful!
I’ll go back and read the actual post in a second, but thanks so much for the Awana flashback to my youth with the Spark pic.
Now that I read it, I will admit I’m guilty of “Great post!” or “Well said, as usual! :-)” Mainly because I am lazy. I guess I could just agree with what all the other commenters say instead to take it to another level.
So can I promote my blog now? How about… Now?
You’re doing it wrong…
Shouldn’t you be drinking some coffee or something productive like that?
I already took a shower and gave myself a haircut. What have YOU done?
Shower, dressed, makeup and just got my hair chopped off. So there.
Damn, you win. But I’ll be drunk again later so it’s on.
Bring it! *tries to flip hair… Fails miserably *
You are ruler of the blogoverse. You may do so anytime you wish!
I did not realize who he was – I just put “sparky’ into google images. Interesting. I like his light bulb butt.
It’s not a bad memory, just funny. We had to earn SparkBadges for our SparkVests. Sparky was much cooler than Cubbie, which was the younger kids’ version.
I think I’m going to steal that Creeper Award….
Only a creeper would do that.
Aw, you shouldn’t have….
Do you have some peeps in mind to give it to? Or do you just like stealing? Cause either is cool with me.
I’m both a creep and a thief, as most squirrels are…
Wow, Sparky’s got some interesting tips. Woe to the blogger who follows them. Perhaps he could give advice next on book marketing? It seems there are some in Twitter land that might need his help (or unhelp shoud I say?) 😉
Oh, my, I haven’t been on Twitter much. So stalking and whatnot is not good for book marketing? Hmm.
The endless marketing tweets can get a little old. It’s like white noise for the eyes!
Hi Sparky! Nice to meet ya.
You go girlfriend!
I just can’t believe I’ve never heard of Sparky before. This all sounds so….familiar.
Nothing like a link drop to set the day off right.
Oh yeah, I forgot to link drop. Shit. Sparky’s gonna be disappointed.
Nice job, slacker.
It’s right on the tip of my cinnamon rolls . . .
I like Sparky already. My poops ARE like freshly pressed cinnamon rolls!
That is awesome. You should put them on display at the museum. Or at Cinnabon, you know, whatever.
Great hints! I like it! And I think, that’s a super award – it’s better than to get “freshly pressed” :o)
Who doesn’t want to be a creeper? I’ve also got a douchecanoe award.
A douchecanoe award? Ooooh, that sounds totally rockin’! How many questions do I have to make up and inflict on other bloggers to win that one?
I sense Sparkasm.
You are wise, young Sparkson.
Ooh, “sparkywonderblogger.wordpress.com” is up for grabs! It shall be mine, oh yes, and then I shall rule the blogosphere Bwahahahaha!
Just kidding, I can’t be bothered.
Go Sparky 🙂
It is? It amazes me what names are already taken in wordpress. I’m SO tempted but . . . yeah, I’m lazy too. I’ll just let Sparky show up here occasionally. He gets along with Squirrel pretty well.
You forgot the one where you create more than one on-line persona and then have awesome comment torrents with yourself…hmm, Mer? Alice?? Sparky??? Maybe there’s only a coupla other bloggers out there…
I’m every blogger. They’re all in meeee.
No wonder it’s so cramped in here ….
Don’t forget to come up with a name for your followers; this helps them really identify with your blog. It’s okay if people say “I read Sparky’s blog”, but what you really want them to say is “I’m a Sparklepony”. Plus, you can have contests to come up with the best collective noun. Is it a gaggle of Sparkleponies? A conflagration? An infestation?
Yes. Have contests. And then forget about the prizes when it’s all said and done.
Hi ho, Sparkleponies, away!!!
Sparky wins the internet
It will be easier for him to be Ruler of the Blogosphere that way!
“You gotta leave a bunch of comments on the posts of other bloggers if you want comments on yours. Don’t bother reading their posts, you don’t have that kind of time.”
I swear to Zeus that I couldn’t stop laughing about this. I think you know Stella (from Molly and Alfie’s blog), she always read the post before commenting(or so she says), so this day she was behind reading blogs and wanted to catch up, she went to this blog and they were talking about “Thunder”. She thought it was appropriate to leave a comment “Thunders scare the life out of me she said, I hate thunders”, no harm done, she hadn’t read the post but left a comment.
Next she saw something about “thunder” on a different blog, turns out “thunder” was a dog that had died.
When she told me about it I couldn’t stop laughing and now you made me remember it.
I hate your dead dog! Whoops. Oh noooos. I know I’ve asked questions before that were right there in the blog post. D’oh.
Thanks Leo for spreading the word what a complete ass I am..LOL I always read now.. I want that award, it is so us..LOL xxoxx
Mollie and Alfie
Happens to everyone – foot in mouth syndrome. Only by keyboard.
I keep reading “sparky” as “spanky”. And this isn’t even a 50 Shades review post…
Spanky would also be an excellent name for him.
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