I am writing this as part of a contest for open letter ad libs at So I Went Undercover‘s blog. It was a lot of fun. You should go check it out and try one of your own.
The red print represents what I added to the letter. I’m sure you’ll be shocked at my choice of subject.
Dear E.L. James,
I have been trying to forget that I feel this way for quite a while, but I can’t pretend anymore. I am really madfaced. You know when you write? Well, let me share how that makes me feel… When you write, I feel like shoving wood screws in my eyes. Not so much annoyed or even perturbed, but really, really pissed off. It makes me want to smack a kitten. I would like to think that I am not the only one who feels this way. As a matter of fact, you know most of the sane people on this planet? Well they told me that you suck.
You know what they say: If one person says you’re a hack writer, you can forget it. When two people say you’re a hack writer that sucks, you might want to consider it. When three people say you’re a hack writer that sucks monkey balls you might want to STOP WRITING. It’s about that time for you, E.L. Think about that.
Since we are being so honest, there are a few other things I would like to air. I hate it when you talk to the media about how you’re empowering women. It makes me want to twist your head off.
I also hate the way you develop characters. Every time you mention Christian or Ana I want to puke in your Begonias, if you have Begonias.
Also, Stephenie Meyer is not your real friend. Remember that secret that you shared? Well she shared it with everyone. Now everyone knows you blatantly plagiarized her work and they all laugh at you behind your back.
I don’t want you to get the wrong idea. I really like you. I value our relationship. But I cannot go on pretending 50 Shades of Grey hasn’t happened. If you care enough about me and this relationship, I am sure you would agree to STOP WRITING IMMEDIATELY.