Crickets . . .

I hate crickets.   That’s right, I said it.  I hate ’em.  Even you, Jiminy, you crank.

You know you can't stomp me, Alice, look it's your conscience chirrrrrping!

You know you can’t stomp me, Alice, look it’s your conscience chirrrrrping!

In some countries, these little bits of horror are considered lucky.  I can’t imagine why.  Is it lucky because hey, now you know you have excellent hearing what with their constant freaking chirping?  You know, like chirp, chirp, chirp HERE I AMMMMMMMMMMMMM!!!!  There is actually a children’s book called The Very Quiet Cricket.  That book is a lie.  I have never known a a cricket to be quiet except when I’m about to corner the creepy thing and he shuts up, knowing I’m on to him.  At the end of the book the cricket finds his voice (spoiler alert) and there is this cute chirping noise and slam, slam, slam goes the book!

How YOU doin'?

How YOU doin’?

Why the AliceRage at these innocent little insects?  Well, we’ve recently had a cricket invasion.  One cricket found his way in and then shouted out to all his cricket frat buddies “Heyyyyy, guys, come on in!  There’s chicks here, I just know it!”  And so they came.  And they hid in their little holes, each one singing out a song of romance.  If I could speak cricket, I’m sure it would sound something like this.

"Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here's my number, so call me maybe?!!!"

“Hey I just met you, and this is crazy, but here’s my number, so call me maybe?!!!”

It’s just as annoying in chirps as it is in words, I’m here to tell you.  None of them seems to get the idea that there ARE NO FEMALE CRICKETS HERE.  Really, keep rubbin’ them wings together (My husband informed me they rub their wings, not their legs, like I give a crap.  I’m going to break their legs if I find them.)

I’m not actually a violent person.  Well, not against living things, anyway, virtual peeps don’t count.  They don’t.  Boppo, I’m still coming for you.  Anyway, I will genuinely feel bad if I squash out the tiny life of a spider.  Not as bad as I would feel if he crawled up my leg, but bad.  Yet it’s different with these crickets.  These crickets employ a torture method much like Chinese water torture, only with chirps. Chirp . . . chirp . . . chirp . . . chirp . . . chirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchirpchiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiiirrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrp! Until you finally go insane.  You’re ready to either kill the thing or jam one of those ear cleaners up your ear canal as seen on TV.

If I shove this in far enough, the chirp will disappear - OW!

If I shove this in far enough, the chirp will disappear – OW!

We’ve managed to catch a few.  Instead of giving them burials at sea (toilet) as any normal person would do, my husband takes them outside, like he’s some sort of Cricket Whisperer or something.  Fly, be free cricket!  Free to turn right around and come back into my house!  I swear they do.  There can’t be this many crickets alive in the known world.

My husband thought it’d be a cute idea to tell Thing Two to create “cricket traps” before he left today.  Ha ha, yes, thank you.  So we have weird contraptions all over the house, baited mostly with marshmallows held over a bucket of water.  One of them, though, was a Halloween bucket containing a couple of potato chips set down in a laundry basket with a rope leading from it.  And – it worked.  It actually worked.  She then, just like dad, took it outside and dumped it.

Cricket bait.

Cricket bait.

So why don’t I search and find them and stomp them?  Because as much as I hate chirping, I’m scared of bugs.  I know, it’s stupid, but nothing should have more than two legs, I’m telling you.  It’s just wrong.  So I guess till then I learn to live with the crickets.  Kind of like my comments section on certain days.

crickets .  . .

35 responses

  1. Wax Vacs! Thank god you use that rather than a Q-tip. Have you seen the damage it can do? Way worse than a cricket.

    1. I have – you can reach your brain with those Q-tip things. OWWWW. They should be banned from the market!

  2. I grew up having to catch and release crickets that made their way into our house (my mother would not allow us to kill them), so I don’t mind doing that today.
    I actually like them…except at 3:00 in the morning. Nothing like waking up and not being able to go to sleep because you have no idea where the damn thing is hiding.

    *chirrup chirrup chirrup*

    1. Yeah if I’m outside on a peaceful night, fine, but stay out of my house, crickets, there are not girls here. Give it up! I find one of them I’m gonna squash him with my shoe. Then pretend I didn’t see him, cause who wants to clean that up?

  3. I have cats who like to catch bugs, for which I’m grateful, but I hate being present for it. The crunching noise is horrible and crickets are the worst! Although it does end that annoying sound. Right now, the cicadas are driving me mental. It will be months after they’re dead and gone and I’ll still hear that droning sound in my head.

    1. I had a dachshund that ate cicadas. One day she just walked over to the fence, hopped up, ate a cicada and walked on. Huh.

  4. You had me at marshmallows…I love Thing Two with my whole heart.

    1. Aw, thanks so much. I love her too, which is why she gets to stay around no matter what . . .

  5. Nothing drives me battier than hearing that endless chirp, especially when I’m trying to write. But though I’m not scared of them; I just can’t find them!

    1. Oh, I know. Once you get close they shut up and there you are uncovering stuff and hoping against hope the thing doesn’t just jump up your nose. Ick.

  6. If that whole post was just a set up for the crickets in the comments section joke then shame of you.
    If you actually do have a cricket invasion then I’m very sorry to hear that. Bugs don’t belong in the house. That’s why I have cats… they eradicate the bugs on my behalf. Occasionally they may bring me something to show me how good they are doing, a reminder of why I keep them around, but that doesn’t happen all that often. And it is certainly worth not having to worry about being attacked by an invading horde of crickets.

    1. If only it were a set-up for a crickets in the comments joke. Nope, I have a real, true invading horde of crickets. I’d get a cat (he would need to be Angry Cat) but I’m allergic to them so that wouldn’t help much.

  7. All crawly things can rot in a vat of boiling acid. K Thx bye! 🙂

    1. So sayeth Ceiling Cat Amens.

  8. I normally have something witty and hilarious to share here…but crickets today.

  9. No joke: my husband almost bought a Wax Vac on Saturday. I abandonded him on the ‘As Seen on TV’ aisle. He came to his senses before said purchase was made.

    1. I saw the thing at Wal-Mart too. I was actually tempted to buy it just to act out the commercial. OW! They also have the genie bra!

      1. And the Squeezy-Freezy… as my kids always point out. And the Slushy Magic, which we now call the Slushy Tragic because… well… it doesn’t work

  10. Crickets. I truly am sick of listening to those damn things. It took me forever to figure out which room that damn sound was actually coming from. Now, even though I know that there is at least one in the laundry room and, I think, one in the master bath (which backs up against the laundry room, so maybe not) I still can’t find the damn things and get them to SHUT UP.

    They make writing or sleeping almost impossible sometimes. Alas, I too am allergic to the furry balls of insect hunting fury that are cats. So that isn’t an option for me.

    1. Me either. I am also allergic to the furry balls of fury. I mean it, it sounds like there are dozens of them in here. ARGHH.

  11. Sounds awful, Alice!
    I don’t know if we have crickets in the UK. I suppose we do. We have grasshoppers, which are related. Not that I’ve seen a grasshopper since I was a kid. Maybe they’re all dying out. How sad 😦

    1. At least grasshoppers are fairly quiet. Though they freak me out when they jump really high.

  12. I am not a fan of the crickets. The noise doesn’t bother me that much, but they bother Mrs. Cutter immensely…which means they bother me immensely too.

    I try to be nice and put them outside rather than giving them the old squasharoo. Sometimes, they just won’t cooperate, and I tell them that they’re only hurting themselves when they fight me.

    And if one of them wakes me up in the middle of the night? Jiminy dies.

    1. Yeah, crickets just don’t listen. Note even conscience crickets. I’m gonna squash mine and go on a rampage!!! Or maybe I’ll just sleep because the bloody thing will be QUIET.

  13. My house is alive with the sound of crickets every August and September. I’m glad I usually sleep during the day when they are less active, because I have zero moral conscience when it comes to forcefully exposing the goopy guts of anything with more than four legs…

    1. I’ve lost my conscience and now I’m gunnin’ for Jiminy.

      1. I’d have squashed him before he even got to the second line of “When You Wish Upon A Star”….

  14. When I was in high school, our new drama teacher, from New York City, introduced himself to us Texan kids and said that he had never even SEEN crickets the size of some of ours. This was at the very beginning of the annual cricket swarming season. He caught a glimpse of a cricket in the classroom, just out of the corner of his eye, and I swear he jumped five feet in the air and two feet over and landed on the table screaming like a baby.

    Okay, I laughed, I admit it. But man, Texas crickets are brutal big.

    1. They are! That would have been funny to see, though. (Also a Texas gal here).

  15. […] Crickets . . . ( […]

  16. Oh joy… It’s spider season around here. Spiders, daddy-long-legs, and there’s at least five butterflies hibernating in Chapel as well.

    The only bugs I want to save are the butterflies. I’m tempted to scoop them up and put them in an un-used cell so that they can winter away undisturbed.

    1. Butterflies I can handle. Possibly ladybugs. Everything else GOES!

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