It’s not me, BLC, it’s you

Dear Blunt Life Coach,

I have some bad news.  I think it’s over between us.  Yes, you are ever so hot in that storm trooper armor.  And I do love how you are, well, blunt with people.  Sometimes they need that.  Especially stupid people.

But here’s the thing.  Not everyone is stupid!  Also, it seems like there should be some way to be assertive, but not mean. Cause while I might be a little on the mad side, Blunt Life Coach, you’re just – well you’re just mean.  You’re mean to a good friend of mine especially, twindaddy.

Not cool, BLC.  Also, your name does sound like a McDonald's menu item.

Not cool, BLC. Also, your name does sound like a McDonald’s menu item.

Twindaddy is a good guy.  He loves his kids.  And that’s cool, not wimpy.  He cares about people, especially his friends.  That’s not a weakness as you say.  It’s a strength.  The truth is, Blunt Life Coach, you are a bully.  Forgive me while I quote Taylor Swift.  It’s from her song “Mean” not “We’re never, ever getting back together” though that one applies too.

I bet you got pushed around

Somebody made you cold

But the cycle ends right now

Cause you don’t know, what you don’t know

What don’t you know?  You don’t know that twindaddy grows stronger with the Force.  He’s not going to listen to you so much anymore.  Oh, you’ll still be there, in the background, snapping at him, putting him down.  But he knows better now.  And I think he’s strong enough to keep you at bay.

We all have one of you in our heads.  That voice that says we’re not good enough, that we’re stupid, that we should just give up.  Maybe that voice sounds like a parent, or an ex, or some kid on the playground back in school, or a cat whose body keeps disappearing (I will GET you, Cheshire Cat!)  Whoever it sounds like, we can’t let it bring us down.  We can’t let it become our voice, so that we put down everyone else.  There must be, well, balance to our Force.

So that’s a lot to say, well, we are over.  And never, ever gettin’ back togetherrrrr!  Stick that song in your head, dear twindaddy, and I’m sure Blunt Life Coach will be heading for the hills.  If not, I have another solution.  You see, there is a new love in my life.  I think you know him.

Greetings, Meatbag.

Greetings, Meatbag.

HK-47 is an awesome boyfriend.  I can program him to be my boyfriend, you know.  Best of all, he comes with some pretty cool programming of his own.  He kills annoying people.  I’m thinking, since he’s in a video game, that means he can kill virtual people quite easily.  Like you, Blunt Life Coach.  So here’s the deal.  Leave twindaddy alone, or I’m sending him after you.

Na na na na, goooooodbyyyyyye!

Na na na na, goooooodbyyyyyye!

See ya, you meanie,

Alice

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55 responses

  1. Alice,
    Thank the Force. Good riddance.
    Blunt Life Coach

    1. BLC,

      Would you like fries with that? Leave twindaddy alone. I cut a stormtrooper.

      Alice

      P.S. Never, ever, everrrrrr getting back togetherrrrrrrrrrr!

      1. Alice,
        You tool. Only wee teenage girls listen to that crap.
        Blunt Life Coach

        1. BLC,

          Like you? Haha. HK-47 is hot on your trail, meatbag.

          Alice

          1. Alice,
            HK-47 listens only to Twindaddy, whose body I can possess from time to time. It is YOU who should be on guard. I’ll send that droid to eviscerate your entrails.
            Blunt Life Coach

          2. BLC,

            I reprogrammed him. He is MINE, bwahahaha. Eat laser.

            Alice

          3. Alice,
            Nice try. You don’t even have the technical skills to open his chassis, let alone reprogram his core. Take your craziness elsewhere.
            Blunt Life Coach.

          4. BLC,

            I know my way around a chassis, trust me.

            Alice

          5. Alice,
            Keep your innuendo out of this. You’ve been keeping naughty company, it seems.
            Blunt Life Coach

          6. BLC,
            Her name is Merbear and she rocks!
            Alice

          7. Alice,
            Since I don’t share that opinion, you’re wrong.
            Blunt Life Coach

          8. BLC
            Goodbye, BLC. Have fun with Mary Poppins! I hear she has a way with umbrellas.
            Alice

          9. Alice,
            You mean elephant diaphragms? She’s just as nuts as you are. You two would be good friends. Now be gone.
            Blunt Life Coach

          10. BLC,
            No, YOU hang up. Giggle.
            Alice

          11. Alice,
            You’re still here. Sigh…
            Blunt Life Coach

  2. Taylor Swift? Come on, there are lots of better “breakup singers” you could have gone with.

    1. But no one else says we are never, never, never getting back to-ge-therrrrrrrrrrrr!

        1. ever, ever, everrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr!

          1. Bwahaha!
            I usually don’t get into these interview posts, but I’m sooo glad I stumbled upon this one.

  3. […] side note: Alice has written an open letter to BLC. Head on over to check it […]

    1. I thought it was “Down with OPP?”

      1. DJ,
        She’s confused. Really confused.
        Blunt Life Coach

          1. Finally. I knew someone would eventually bow to me. I do rule the kingdom (sort of, kind of, maybe) after all.

          2. Of course…..(walks away slowly….)

          3. Are you going on that errand for me? That’s nice of you, I didn’t even have to order you to do it…

          4. Just picking up some Starbucks… 😉

          5. Hah! Yum. I could go for a mocha. creamy. delicious. chocolate. goodness.

          6. Woohoo!
            If someone was coming into the conversation right now… well, there might be some explaining to be done…

          7. How very disgusting of you! I like it!

  4. I concur!

    *but Cheshire Cat forever!*

    1. He does have that grin that makes you melt, er makes him melt . . .

    2. Claudia, there’s only one way to concur. You fail.

  5. […] Alice AND Mary Poppins REALLY think they will catch Blunt’s […]

  6. Alice,
    Fantastic letter. Let’s make BLC fade away into oblivion. I think he is one of those entities that loses power when people stop talking about him. All we have to do is turn our backs and pretend he isn’t there. Then, one day, Twindaddy will wake up and BLC will be gone forever.
    Matticus

    1. DJ,
      I never lose power.
      Blunt Life Coach

      1. BLC,
        I’m going to miss these little chats when you are gone.
        Not.
        Matticus

        1. DJ,
          Sure. That’s why you keep engaging in them.
          Blunt Life Coach

          1. BLC,
            As a good person I cannot sit idly by and watch you inflict grievous wounds upon this world. I have to speak up. I have to talk for those who can’t or won’t, even if I’d rather not.
            Matticus

          2. DJ,
            You read too many Batman comics.
            Blunt Life Coach

          3. BLC,
            Actually, I’ve watched The Boondock Saints far too many times (if that’s even possible).
            Matticus

    2. That day must come as soon as possible! We must free Twindaddy of BLC for good and all!

  7. Weee-HEEE! Are nevah, evah, evah getting’ back togethah!

    1. Quite possibly even more annoying than ‘Call Me Maybe’.

      1. Or, as my (clearly) brilliant 3 year old says: call me crazy.

  8. Agree! Leave TD alone BLC. No-one likes a meanie

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