What I have learned so far in my journey to cleanliness and hopefully allergy-freeness.

You must push the start button on the dryer or your clothes don’t get dry.

Forgot to start the dryer again, clothes still wet, just keep smiling, %^&*^*^*

Forgot to start the dryer again, clothes still wet, just keep smiling, %^&*^*^*

Even if you push the button, they still won’t get dry the first time because something is off with the dryer and one day your husband might attempt to fix it whether he knows how or not, but you won’t even try because you know nothing about the internal workings of devices.  For instance, electricity = magic.

Something is wrong with this dryer . . .

Something is wrong with this dryer . . .

The steam mop has attachments that look like a rifle.  It’s fun to fire but doesn’t necessarily get the cleaning results you want.

This ought to take care of that soap scum.  FIRE!

This ought to take care of that soap scum. FIRE!

Your family will actively plot against you and undo everything you’ve done.

Even the freaking dog cleans.  This is not a realistic family unless we are in Stepford.

Even the freaking dog cleans. This is not a realistic family unless we are in Stepford.

Your husband will continue to insist on doing things his way, ie keeping his clean socks and underwear in a drawer in the bathroom and wadding up clothes and shoving them in the closet.

Now YOUR stuff goes in the dresser, but mine goes in the bathroom.

Now YOUR stuff goes in the dresser, but mine goes in the bathroom.

Your husband will also keep buying used vaporizers that are coated in dirt and probably mold and were made in 1970 so you will never find the filters for it and he will say “The thing has filters?”  He will insist on using it.

Only five bucks!

Only five bucks!

You will keep forgetting to put on your dust mask and gloves (even though it’s fun to say “Paging Dr. Alice” and backing out doorways with your hands help up) because you got down and started scrubbing something and there’s no way you’re getting up again to get it. So you are breathing all the dust directly in when really you should be wearing the dust mask and not breathing at all.

Okay, ready to start.

Okay, ready to start.

The vacuum will not suck up everything.

Unless it's a Noo Noo.  I have yet to find one on amazon.

Unless it’s a Noo Noo. I have yet to find one on amazon.

When you vacuum curtains, be careful not to suck them into the vacuum cleaner.  It will suck those up.

Once you've sucked up the curtains, you no longer have to clean them!

Once you’ve sucked up the curtains, you no longer have to clean them!

It costs more to have them take dyes and perfumes OUT of cleaning products.

Well, you know, if you don't want to be safe . . .

Well, you know, if you don’t want to be safe . . .

When asked to clean, children must be monitored 24/7 so it’s like you’re just trying to manipulate puppets with the strings cut off.

Why did I wish them into real children?

Why did I wish them into real children?

Children will ask for breaks after five minutes of non-work.  They will not see the giant sleeping bag in the floor of their bedrooms.  They will suddenly have to go to the bathroom several times.  They will fight over who has done the least work whereas it is almost always a tie.

I vacuumed more than youuuu!

I vacuumed more than youuuu!

No matter how much you research before buying, your fabulous cleaning contraptions will somehow backfire.

Crap.

Crap.

For cleaning up messes, you’re about as well off to get one of these (and store him outside).

I call him Hoover.  Or Devil Puppy.  Take your pick.

I call him Hoover. Or Devil Puppy. Take your pick.

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14 responses

  1. Doggies are good for getting all the crumbs off the floor.

  2. Joshua keeps his socks and underwear in a drawer in the bathroom if that helps… Elisa and Joshua are always saying how they are the only ones who ever do any cleaning. I think it’s a first world child thing. I still say for the cost of the exhaust free vacuum you can buy a lot of maid service plus you don’t have to clean the bathroom or run the vacuum. Double win! The dog thing works great except they eat cat poo and then clean the kitchen floor- wait you don’t have cats . You can be the favorite parent cuz you brought home the pet that is actually a mammal. Dogs are even cheaper than maids, but you still have to clean the bathroom…

    1. Yeah I returned the vacuum cause it didn’t suck and that’s the one thing that should.

  3. I’ve finally gotten Josh to take on the one chore I well and truly hate – cleaning the cat boxes. It’s pretty well a fair trade for me that he does that and I do everything else – because I think he fucks up everything else, on purpose. And really, how hard is it to go mining for cat turds in a sand box?

    1. My kids would sit around the box for several minutes then ask for a break.

  4. I don’t have too many cleaning gadgets. Just a bucket, water, cleaner, sponges, and my own two hands (well, aside from a vacuum, broom, etc.) The other day my husband left a diet soda in the freezer. He has done before, too. You’d think after the first explosion, he would have learned. I opened the freezer and found chunks of Diet Coke all over. I closed it and told him he was on his own with that one…

  5. Just be thankful you don’t live in a building with ceilings over 8 foot from the ground. You want to try getting rid of cobwebs that are 12 foot in the air. It’s impossible, it really is. Extending gadgets invariably break and so you tape them together with duct tape and then they bend and you end up taking your own eye out. I may be suffereing the after-effects of having tried to vacuum the ceiling in the Noviciate yesterday (which is at least 10 foot above the floor, gee I know how to have fun, don’t I?).

  6. I discovered that my vaccum cleaner is magical (whacko). It won’t get things like say, oh I don’t know, DUST, but it’ll get those curtains. How does this happen?!
    Good luck with the allergy freeness, Alice!

  7. I bought a new vacuum earlier this year. One of these days, I’ll actually take it out of the box and put it together….

    1. Nasty!! I want devil dog..

  8. You’re probably better off just moving every couple of years.

  9. Don’t forget, if it’s a plumbing project it will invariably require a saw… I’m not sure how, or why, but that’s how it always works in my house.

  10. I haven’t used my rechargeable Dust Buster for so long it won’t charge up any more. Who knew that would happen?
    Oh well, I guess the dust will just have to stay where it is, because there’s no way I’m going to try to dig the vacuum cleaner out from under the last six months’ worth of crap I’ve chucked on it.

  11. I’m gonna track me down one o’ them devil hoover puppies…one for each foot…

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