Dungeons and Dragons the Movie: A Recap

Ah, Dungeons and Dragons.  Many of you have at least heard of this game.  Some of you have even played it.  For hours.  Or days.  Or months.  Without eating or sleeping at times.  But who’s counting.  Anyway, once upon a time, a movie studio decided to make the game into a movie.  But something went very, very wrong, for yea, this movie did suck.  And suck mightily.

I hope you didn't eat much before this . . .

I hope you didn’t eat much before this . . .

But in a delightfully funny way, if you are easily amused as I am.  Once again we’re dealing with a story that takes itself quite seriously, and thus looks even more ridiculous than it would if it were a straight up parody.  The film stars Jeremy Irons.  No, I’m not kidding.  I’m not sure how they got Jeremy to act in this pile of cinematic poop, but I can only guess the kidnapping of close family members was involved.  The film also stars a Wayans brother, so, well, just “be prepared” as Scar would say.  Right, Jeremy?  Stop crying.

Okay, so we start the movie in a bunch of fog.  It won’t get any clearer than this.  A dramatic voiceover tells us that this kingdom is ruled by mages who have magic who are meanies to the peasants who don’t have magic.  Also there’s this child empress who is nothing AT ALL like the one in that Neverending Story or Star Wars, cause this is totally original stuff, you guyz.  Oh, and there’s a bad guy, the evil mage – this is where Jeremy comes in – named Profion.  Even his name makes me giggle.


Jeremy is Fab-u-lous!

The fog clears and we get overly dramatic music as the camera zooms us around the computer animated castle.  Don’t worry if you don’t get a good glimpse here, they will show it to you again.  And again.  And AGAIN.  Anyway, we open in a dungeon with a bunch of guys slaving at . . . something.  A circular doohickey like you might find on an an office desk next to the Newton’s cradle.  Whatever the thing is, it must be heavy to pull, or push, or whatever they’re doing to it.  Then in comes Jeremy, flapping his cape with dramatic flourish.  I nearly fall to the ground laughing.

He takes a wand out of the circular doohickey, and man is he happy with that wand.  He releases a dragon, so three minutes in and we’ve had a dungeon and a dragon.  Let’s go home.  Wait, no?  Oh, fine.  Jeremy hams it up some more (I think that’s what his script says.  Ham.  More ham.  Please more ham.  Gooood.)  Jeremy tries to control the dragon, but no good, so he drops the gate on him just like in Star Wars oh wait.

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow

Oh wow, oh wow, oh wow

Should we give you guys some time alone or something?

Should we give you guys some time alone or something?

And we have a dragon . . .

And we have a dragon . . .

Jeremy, you're gonna have to give us a little more ham, there.

Jeremy, you’re gonna have to give us a little more ham, there.

So the blood (which looks nothing like paint) flows into the river and turns into fire blah blah and then we see our, uh, heroes.  The Wayans guy and Skippy the thief.  Oh, sorry, Snails and Ripley.  Yeah, I know, I prefer Wayans and Skippy myself.  Snails has all the appeal of Jar Jar from Star Wars – in other words, you want to kill him immediately.  I get that he’s the “comedy relief” but he’s neither funny (not intentionally) nor relief.

Our heroes, everyone.

Our heroes, everyone.

Well, Skippy gets the bright idea to rob The Magic School.  No, really, that’s it’s actual name.  Not Hogwarts.  Not Le School De Magica even.  Nope.  The Magic School.  We’ve got a looooong way to go, my friends.

Yeah, man, the MAGIC school . . .

Yeah, man, the MAGIC school . . .

Back we go to another whooshing CGI of the castle (no. 2) and we have Jeremy all stylin’ again, talkin’ smack against the empress to the council, which looks like something out of the Muppet show.  Anyway, the empress is “only a young woman” so what threat can she be?  I hope she kicks his butt.  I doubt it, but hope remains eternal.

We must take the scepter and shout Hallelujah!!!

We must take the scepter and shout Hallelujah!!!

It's time to play the music, it's time to light the lights . . .

It’s time to play the music, it’s time to light the lights . . .

Finally we meet the empress, who looks about twelve and acts around eight.  But, but, how could he get control of the council just because I am totally transparent and stupid?  Gee, I dunno Pollyanna.  Anyway, Santa, her advisor, tells her she has to get hold of this “Rod of Sevrille” or something, I just remember it was a, um, rod.  And it controls the red dragons which means . . . something. Naturally Jeremy is all over this rod thing.  He tells his buddy, a blue lipped guy I like to call Bluto, to go fetch some scroll that has something to do with the rod because . . . I don’t care.

Empress Pollyanna - but we all deserve to be equallllll . . .

Empress Pollyanna – but we all deserve to be equallllll . . .

Jeremy's right hand weirdo, Bluto the terrible.

Jeremy’s right hand weirdo, Bluto the terrible.

Back we go to Skippy and Snails.  Snails is whining more than the child empress and I want to hurt him.  He falls on his face.  Not good enough.  He and Skippy start robbing.  Meanwhile, elsewhere in “magic school” we meet Santa’s helper, a magic girl, no doubt, who works in a library looking place and wears glasses so clearly we’re dealing with someone intelligent with a stick up her rear.

Santa's helper librarian.

Santa’s helper librarian.

Santa uses pixie dust to try to decode the scroll but it doesn’t work so he sends librarygal over to get him some “magic wig” or something.  It was magic.  The idiot thieves release some loud magic stuff and so librarygal (let’s call her LG – she has a name, but I don’t care) goes to check it out.  Immediately Skippy and LG start snapping at each other, so you know they’re gonna be doin’ the magic tango before the movie’s over.  Can we go home now?  No?  Right.

LG catches our heroes.  Sigh.

LG catches our heroes. Sigh.

She hears Santa being attacked so runs to help him, dragging the two idiots along with a magic rope.  Bluto is torturing Santa, who throws her the scroll right before Bluto offs him.  LG then scoops up some magic dust and shoots Bluto across the room.  Then she uses what looks like the same magic dust to make a portal into which she runs, dragging the thieves with her.  I need to get some of that dust, talk about multipurpose.

Plot convenience playhouse presents act one . . .

Plot convenience playhouse presents act one . . .

She runs off and Bluto and his men follow.  Suddenly, she has no idea what to do, being only a girl, so she has to free Skippy who pulls out his sword.  Oh, woot.  Then this dwarf shows up (no I’m not making this up please say my creative writing is not this bad) and he has some sort of seizure that I think is supposed to be funny.  It’s mostly disturbing.

Wait a second, she was using magic a second ago . . . d'oh

Wait a second, she was using magic a second ago . . . d’oh

Now it's time to make fun of short people.

Now it’s time to make fun of short people.

They all escape into the sewer (where have I seen this before, oh where???) and Bluto posts guards rather than wade in poop himself.  Yeah, well, do the viewers get a choice, Bluto?  No, we don’t.  But we do get a break. Part Two next time.

36 responses

  1. I’m sure I had to take “Profion” last time I had an impacted bowel.

    1. It often looks like Jeremy has to take some Profion too.

  2. Huh? Who? 🙂

    1. I don’t know, and I just watched several minutes of it.

      1. That one dude seems like he would have a nice ass.

        1. Bluto? I’m sure he works out in between makeup sessions.

          1. Hard like nails.

          2. I bet his are painted with tiny bunnies.

          3. Bunneh.

  3. I’m sorry, I didn’t read past Jeremy Irons. I can only assume…hope, pray, wish…that he did this to show he has a sense of humor.

    1. Or the kidnapped family members. That’s my only guess.

  4. This sounds like a real load of cheese. Hmmmm, ham and cheese! They go so well with chileh…..

    1. Lots and lots of chileh to wade through.

  5. Wow, how did I miss this?

      1. See kids, being broke really can make life better!

        1. And putting children in charge of kingdoms is always a swell idea.

  6. I never knew they made a movie. I must live under a rock.

  7. I vaguely remember this movie coming out. As a child, I had liked the Dungeons and Dragons cartoon that used to air on Saturday mornings, and I was kind of hoping the movie would be based on that. But it was not, and therefore, I did not see it.

    1. Don’t let the dungeon master go behind the tree – crap!

  8. They made a movie out of D&D? You’ve got to be kidding me, the cartoon was bad enough.

  9. This is so horrible (the movie) that I have no witty retort. I’m retortless.

    1. If only the people in this movie were retortless.

    2. You crack me up! 😀

  10. This was (is?) a movie? As a movie fan, this one slipped right past me. Probably just as well…

    1. Definitely just as well. Don’t torment your eyes and brain cells by subjecting them to this particular movie.

      1. I’ve already forgotten about it. 🙂

  11. WTF?
    First, as much as I’ve been a gamer since my youth, I have actually never played Dungeons and Dragons. So, I never had a clue there was a movie based on the game. Personally, I think games into movies just really don’t work out all that well. Do we remember Super Mario Bros?…Hmmm? But I guess it can go both ways as Resident Evil did ok (I’m assuming since I don’t play scary games nor watch scary movies but didn’t it go to movie #5 or something)? And of course Silent Hill was a movie and is a Maze at Halloween Horror Nights at Universal Studios so I’m guess that one was popular to.

    Although I’m curious to see what World of Warcrart will be as a movie when it comes out. I will admit, I like the lore of that game.

    I love Jeremy Irons to….

  12. I am going to find YouTube clips RIGHT MEOW.

  13. Two parts? Really? You’re going to make us suffer through this one more time? So, for those of us unfortunate enough to have already watched this movie (that’s once) and now read part one (that’s two) your next write up will be three times we’ve had our minds melted by how terribly awfully unawesomesauce this film is.

    Oh my…

    Why? Why did you decide to watch this film?

    1. It may be more parts than that bwahahahahahaha

      1. Where’s the “dislike” button?

  14. As a movie buff, a very big Jeremy Irons fan, and a lifelong player of D&D, I was only too aware of this movie when it came out. I actually paid money to see the movie when it came out – on opening weekend even.

    Jeremy Irons playing a sadistic, power-hungry, dragon-slaying, evil-to-the core wizard? Sign me up!

    So, you know a movie is bad, when even Jeremy Irons can’t do anything in his considerable acting power to provide something to the movie in order to recommend it.

    Because we have a Jeremy Irons collection, my brother and I actually own this movie. I think the single-most amazing thing about the movie though is not how terrible it was. No, the most amazing part is that there was actually a sequel to the movie. Yes, believe it or not, they made a sequel. But, not to be out-done by the “original”, the second one decided not to waste money on any actual talent. So gone was the lion’s share of the original cast. But, just to make sure everyone understood it was a sequel, they brought back Damadon (blue-lips) from his rather gruesome death in the first movie and made him the main villain of the second one. Trust me, if you are ever unfortunate enough to see the second one, you will appreciate just how spectacular the first one was.

    But seriously, I’m still waiting for Hasbro to refund me the $7.50 or so I paid to see this film when it came out.

  15. Love Jeremy’s O face in the movie. Every one of his lines makes him seem like he’s having an orgasm.

    1. Totally. Like, get a room!

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