Haley’s Hints: WTF Edition

Good old Haley.  This guy has been handing out hints for something like, oh 95 years or so.  If you dig around, you can find some good stuff, like say cheap ways of cleaning or some neat trick of storing fruit.  But for every normal hint he gives you, there seems to be at least a dozen that make you go wtf?  Here’s some examples.

 (These hints, honest-to-goodness, come from the book Haley’s Hints GREEN Edition by Graham and Rosemary Haley)

See?  The book is totally green.  And stuff.

See? The book is totally green. And stuff.

Freaky Food Facts!

Haley says “Don’t pour out sour milk – it can still go a long way . . . add baking soda.”

Alice says, “I’m not drinking that.”

Haley says “The next time you slice cheese, spread a little butter on the exposed area.  It’ll stop it from drying and becoming hard.”

Alice says “No, I can’t help you, I’m busy buttering my cheese!”

I buttered the cheese but - did I leave the cake out in the rain?

I buttered the cheese but – did I leave the cake out in the rain?

Haley says when buying fruit “Always sniff before buying.”

Alice says “Um, there’s some weirdo sniffing fruit on aisle four.”

Haley says “Store onions in panty hose.”

Alice says “Honey, why do my tights smell like dip?”

Crazy Cleaning Tips!

Haley says, “Men’s old cotton underwear makes a great lint-free dust cloth.”

Alice says, “I’m not cleaning with my husband’s underwear.  Do you know where that’s been?  And btw, how does Hayley know this works?”

Well, I guess the floors couldn't get much dirtier anyway . . .

Well, I guess the floors couldn’t get much dirtier anyway . . .

Haley says, “It’s not a good idea to use bleach to clean your aluminum percolator . . . instead, fill it up with water and add a quarter cup of cream of tartar.”

Alice says, “What’s an aluminum percolator?  What is cream of tartar?”

Hayley says “Rust can be removed from metal baking dishes by scouring them well with half a potato and your favorite soap powder.”

Alice says “Save your potato.  The rust adds minerals to your diet.”

How to Get Blood Out of Carpet

Haley says, “For fresh bloodstains, apply shaving cream . . .”

Alice says “How will I get out the blood from that sacrificial goat out of my carpet?- oh, hey, I’ll just spray my shaving cream on that sucker.”

Haley says, “For more stubborn bloodstains, make a paste of meat tenderizer and water . . .apply to stain.”

Alice says, “How did Haley figure this out?  I can just imagine.  I continue to have all these stubborn bloodstains but the damn spot just won’t come out, no matter how hard I scrub.  What can I use?  Oh, hey, I know – meat tenderizer!  On the carpet!  Sure, why not.”

Man: Still can't get that blood out . . . all that blood. Woman: Did you try the meat tenderizer?

Man: Still can’t get that blood out . . . all that blood.
Woman: Did you try the meat tenderizer?

Haley says, “For really difficult blood stains, dab the area with hydrogen peroxide.”

Alice says, “I think Hayley has more serious problems than just carpet stains.  Has anyone seen Mrs. Haley?  Someone should maybe investigate.”

67 responses

  1. I laughed at most of these, but I do smell fruit before buying – I have a pretty acute sense of smell, which rarely steers me wrong. Except for making me look like a fruit-sniffing weirdo.

    1. As long as you don’t lick it also . . . I had a biology class where they expected us to lick rocks to tell what kind they were. No joke.

      1. Never licked a fruit in the produce aisle, but have stupidly stood there long enough to get sprayed by the little water jets.

      2. “This one’s arsenic… This one’s mercury… This one’s lye…”

        1. I found the poison one . . . clunk.

  2. LMAO especially at removing blood. I want to ask him how he knows this so well, while keeping my eye out, for the shovel behind his back.

    1. I know, I kept getting more uncomfortable the farther I read – I mean 3 different hints on bloodstains. I can’t wait till we get to the chapter about how to remove the stench of death from your backyard.

  3. Well, it’s good to know what to use to get blood out of the carpet next time I need to cover up a crime. Creepyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy…

    1. Every murderer must be practical, after all. Between Haley and CSI shows on TV, criminals now know just what to do!

      1. Right? How to get away with murder, Tuesday at 8 Eastern.

        1. Considering the number of deaths on those shows, you’d think you could open your front door and a corpse would just drop into your living room. It’s that common.

          1. Well, Halloween is rapidly approaching…

          2. All those senseless pumpkin slayings . . .

          3. As long as it gets me yummy Pumpkin Spiced Lattes I don’t care…

  4. I’ve always been amazed by these ‘experts’ on household tips. Hints from Heloise is the one that always made me want to choke my newspaper – “For wrinkle-free clothes, make sure you hang them up as they come out of the dryer…” was one of my favorites. Thanks, Heloise. Brilliant.

    1. Oh, man, I still see Hints from Heloise in my paper. I might have to have a dueling hintsters post with her and Haley. The excitement never ends.

  5. Does it work for shit stains?

    1. Let’s hope. Otherwise using your husband’s underwear as a rag would be unsanitary as well as freaking bizarre.

  6. Why not just use a tampon and your husband’s dirty briefs dipped in cream of tartar on those stubborn blood stains? Sheesh, Haley, you make everything so difficult…

    1. I’m only a few chapters into the book, so we’ll see. It wouldn’t surprise me.

  7. Well, considering I never wear my pantyhose (I think I have an unopened pair in my drawer from 1990), I might as well use them for something. Of course, the onion I have is already chopped in anticipation of tonight’s dinner. That could be one stinky nylon package…

    1. I don’t wear pantyhose either – it’s like it’s made for people with six inch waists. But storing onions in them is pretty gross. Why not save them for robbing banks?

  8. The peroxide thing works. My sister’s dumb ass Cocker Spaniel killed the Easter Bunny and brought the carcass in to chew on on her pale green chenille sofa. It took a lot of peroxide – there was a lot of blood – but it worked.

    1. Happy Easter everyone! Stop crying!

      1. Thank god this was before the kids were born, but that was one sick ass mess. And the really funny thing is, the dog was so proud of his catch he wouldn’t give it up without a fight – but there is no way in hell that that tubby dog could have caught a rabbit, he could barely bend over to lick his little schlong. Damn rabbit must have been dead and laying in the yard and he was dumb enough to think it was another one of his toys.

  9. This is so funny b/c Haley’s Hints has been part of my workday for several weeks now … hee hee…

      1. I don’t actually work in a library. I work in public television as a research specialist/analyst. I’m a faux librarian…

        1. A faux! And all this time I thought you were real! Actually that sounds a lot more interesting than librarian.

          1. I’m good with research and finding – but I’m horrid at admin and organizing… which makes sense that I became a librarian… 🙂

            I started out as a systems librarian and reference librarian b/c I knew I didn’t want to be admin and/or run a library (NIGHTMARE!) and meandered into this job 🙂

          2. I definitely don’t want to be in charge of anything. Then people come to you with problems. I’d rather be a lowly one.

  10. I don’t actually ever have so much blood on my carpet that I need this kind of advice – maybe he’s writing for Dexter.

    1. Possibly. I can just see him with a copy of this book in his hand, a cleaver in the other.

        1. Always leaving your murder scenes a mess? Get Hints from Hannibal and learn how to leave that basement floor clean as a whistle with a few simple products!

    2. Meh, Dexter is far too neat and tidy with his kill rooms. He would be appalled by some of the suggestions for blood stains. Besides, there’s getting rid of the stain, and there is getting rid of the evidence. Just saying…

  11. There’s something funny about the idea of meat tenderizer being used for blood stains but I am just not able to figure it out.

    1. I thought the same thing. Bloody meat needs tenderizer? I dunno.

  12. The advice about the blood stains was very helpful. Does the book have any hints on how to get rid of the body?

    1. Lime is traditionally effective. Alternately, take up sausage-making.

    2. Well I’m only on like chapter five so . . .

  13. Tampons make good lint free wipes. We used them to shine shoes in the Navy. You really should do your animal sacrifice outdoors, but for blood, shit, pee, and urine stains, nothing beats an enzyme cleaner such as Kids n Pets or BacOut. It’s usually sold in the pet aisle, but is great for human messes too. But peroxide does the trick for laundry bloodstains best.

    1. I’m not sure I want to know how you know all of this . . .

      1. Well, all the people I know who sacrifice goats do it outside. You clearly hit on the reason.

        1. That you know people who sacrifice goats is what makes you so special.

  14. I thought cream of tartar was for baking. I would use baking soda. Much cheaper.

    1. And less complicated. Baking soda is pretty easy to find. Even I know about that. Cream of Tartar sounds like a foreign country or something.

      1. It’s sold on the spice aisle in teeny jars.

        1. See, I always miss the teeny jars. Most of my stuff comes pre-cream of tartared.

          1. I have a biscuit recipe that calls for it. But since baking powder is just baking soda. and cream of tartar mixed, most recipes just call for baking powder.

          2. I use the recipe to make bread animals, because I’m poor and live in the city, so can’t raise my own goats.

  15. I like the fact that these hints come from the GREEN edition. Saving the planet, one murder at a time.

    1. I guess if you kill litterers, you’re like, a hero?

  16. hahahahahah the bastard is a serial killer!!
    Or at least went to school with Jeffrey Dahmer.

    1. He does have that serial killer look to him. And I bet everyone says “He seemed like such a nice guy . . . all those hints . . .”

  17. Apparently bleach still shows up with luminol and a fluorescent lamp. I wonder if shaving cream suffers from that little issue (Bwahahahaha).
    I always thought you tenderised meat by whacking the shit out of it with a mallet? Is that how come my carpet has so many blood stains?

    1. Well, I hope so. Otherwise you might need a good lawyer. Maybe Hayley has hints later on about how to make one out of money and vinegar.

      1. Or how to escape from a maximum security prison after the shaving cream doesn’t work.

        Ha ha lawyer=money+vinegar 🙂

  18. I’ve been looking for ways to get blood out of carpet. Awesome. Now I have to clear my browsing history.

    1. Good idea. Especially if you have vampires coming over. They’re so sensitive.

  19. Reading over these, I am convinced that this guy used to be a chef, or knew one very well. And I don’t mean a great cook, but an actual, trained and educated chef. Almost all of those “tricks” are things taught in chef schools around the world as part of the chemistry behind cooking.

    The chemical composition of things like potatoes, cream of tartar (way too damn expensive to be used as a GP cleaner BTW), and meat tenderizer, have been studied to excess so that those with the proper training can bring you tasty dishes like Beouf Wellington or Kraft macaroni & cheese.

    1. I’m an expert at Kraft Macaroni and Cheese.

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