My Chemical Wonderland

One pill makes you larger
And one pill makes you small
And the ones that mother gives you
Don’t do anything at all
Go ask Alice, when she’s ten feet tall

I originally started this blog because I felt my life was much like Alice’s.  I never knew whether I was coming or going and nothing ever made sense.  Such is life.  But add a few chemicals to the mix and boy do you get fun, fun, fun!   Soon you are chasing a rabbit down a hole.  Or is it chasing you?

I'm late!  WTF am I late for?

I’m late! WTF am I late for?

And if you go chasing rabbits
And you know you’re going to fall
Tell ’em a hookah smoking caterpillar
Has given you the call
To call Alice, when she was just small

I have been on antidepressants since I was a teenager.  I once tried to get off of them and decided, bad idea.  People have all sorts of opinions on this subject, but I’m not arguing that.  I’m just talking about what’s happening with me, cause that’s what I care about, me.  So anyway, if you’ve been reading, I have been going through some medication changes that have affected me just a tad.

When the men on the chessboard get up
And tell you where to go
And you’ve just had some kind of mushroom
And your mind is moving low
Go ask Alice, I think she’ll know

I was put on abilify to help with the other two, and then I was taken off of that cause weight, and then I was put on this one called cytomel (they all sound like alien planets) and then off of that, and then back on that, and just now I had a new shrink tell me that I should go back ON abilify because hey the weight gain will plateau.  Or something.  He had a thick accent, so I’m not entirely sure what he said.  At this point, all doctors sound like these guys to me.

I think I'm the dormouse in this one.

I think I’m the dormouse in this one.

This was the on-call doctor after hours, who told me to tell my shrink that I should like, be on this pill.  But now I can’t remember why I got on the first pill to begin with – lack of energy?  Feeling all mixed up?  Wait, that’s how I feel now.  And the whole “it won’t be that bad, trust us” is a load of crap.  I’m starting not to trust these people.  Is it really paranoia if you’re dealing with shrinks who apparently must be nuts themselves in order to get a license?  I don’t think so.

When logic and proportion have fallen sloppy dead
And the white knight is talking backwards
And the red queen’s off with her head
Remember what the dormouse said
Feed your head,
Feed your head

The song I’ve been quoting from is called “White Rabbit” by Jefferson Airplane.  It is totally trippy, man, even more so if you listen to it and watch this here far out video.  I don’t know why this lady is running on the beach.  Maybe she had some of the LSD they are talkin’ about in the song.

(Note: I first inserted the video, and it whacked out my formatting because WP thought it’d be amusing to mess with me on a post about being messed up.  Good play, WP.  I finally got it to work after much trial, error, and cursing.)

You’re begging me for Billy Ocean now, aren’t ya?

But I do think this song has truth to it, even though I’m not on any “fun” drugs like the guys writing the song most likely were.  Logic and proportion have fallen, and the white knight, the doctors in those nice coats, are talking backwards.  The red queen could be my outside stress – sick kids, sick me, work, home, marriage, yaddah yaddah – which causes a constant “off with your head” feeling to go through my body.  And they want to keep feeding my head.

Gee, let's try this one.

Gee, let’s try this one.

I’m tired of it.  I asked Alice, seeing as how that’s me, and she said let’s just call “time out” for a bit here, mmkay?  Stop feeding my head.  Let it rest.  I am not sure what the right path is now, but I know one thing.  I’m not blindly following any more rabbits, not without some information.  What kind of drug is this?  How does it affect me?  What should I watch out for?  Is there anything else I can do besides just go on another medicine?

Sleight weight gain?  WTF, I could fit in this house this morning!

Sleight weight gain? WTF?

My shrink does not want to discuss anything with me, cause he’s a jerk full of inflated self-importance.  I want, and deserve, someone who will work with me and I’m going to get it, somehow.  There are some possibilities right now.  I could see his nurse for the most part, and just check in with him once a year.  Like many nurses, she knows more about what she’s talking about than the doctor.  Or I might find another shrink somewhere.  I don’t know.  But I’m not letting him mess me around anymore.  I might not have a doctor’s degree, but I’m not stupid.

We're doctors, trust us.

We’re doctors, trust us.

This is my body, and my mind, and I only have one.  If things go bad, it’s on me, not them.  I’m the one who pays for it, with missed work, or messed up relationships, or spending more on bigger clothes, all things that are not listed in the official list of side effects.  I am invested in this.  I am my own advocate.  I must be – even when I’m small, which I am right now.  I’m scared, and I’m not sure what’s going to happen.  I’m not sure what I’m doing is right.

In the end, though, there’s just one person who can decide.  Have a question?  Go ask Alice.

I'm in charge now . . . I think.

I’m in charge now . . . I think.

all pictures from Lenny’s Alice in Wonderland site

29 responses

  1. I love that song. And I am sorry to see you’re going through all of this. I wish everyone could have a doctor like mine, you would love him. You may even want to check into Nurse Practitioners, I sometimes like to think their egos aren’t as big as doctors’. I had one once and she was very nice. But thinking about it now, I don’t know the laws in your state so that may not be an option for you. I wish you the best, Alice. {{hugs}}

    1. I actually am going to see if I can just see the shrink’s nurse for medicine doses, etc and him just once a year for appearance sake.

    2. Yeah, me too. I think nurses may be more likely to see their patients as actual human beings.

  2. You are doing your is all we can do. Stay strong, you are not alone. xx {Hugs}

  3. I do hope everything works out for you, it must be horrible going through this.
    I love that song, know it well!

    1. Thanks – I hadn’t ever heard it before, which is funny.

  4. You know I’ve got your back and I’m glad to see you finally pushing back for yourself (hugs) .

    1. I know you’re there. Thanks, bud.

      1. You’re very welcome.

  5. If they aren’t willing to answer your questions, kick them to the curb and find someone else to work with.
    I stopped trusting doctors when I was in college and two separate times after being sick for a week I went in, they ran a whole slew of tests, couldn’t find anything wrong with me, and sent me on my way with a “get some rest, drink plenty of fluids, and you’ll feel better eventually.” Then, why did I waste my time and money on you? Ugh.
    I’m glad you are going to stand up for yourself and ask the questions – own the decisions on what you take from now on. That’s good.
    I hope they decide to answer your questions. I hope they give you some good alternatives to just blindly trusting the pills.

    1. Yes, me too. I wish I really could kick that guy to the curb. And kick him, and kick him . . .

  6. I want, and deserve, someone who will work with me and I’m going to get it, somehow.

    Yes. This. I don’t have anything to add, really, but yes. This.

    1. Yes, I hope everyone feels that way.

  7. This is a very powerful post, from a very strong woman. *hugs*

  8. I have the impression you are not in a large urban centre, am I right? I don’t know if anyone is doing it in the states but some therapists are offering therapy on the phone in Canada… might give you more options, cause this dude sucks big balls of shit and you deserve better than that.

    1. Thank you. He really is full of big balls of shit.

    2. If there is a bright center to the galaxy, Alice lives in the town it’s farthest from.

  9. In the end, what it really comes down to is what’s right for YOU and only YOU know the answer to that. Good luck girl, this is a slippery slope.

    1. I know it. And I don’t know it . . . I mean, yeah, I’m confused. But I’m getting there.

      1. It’s a process, it really is. And the truly terrible thing is, you’ll think you’ve found the perfect cocktail – you’ll be virtually symptom free and life will be great – and then something happens and you’ll have to change meds again and you start all over. It’s the Cycle of Suck.

  10. That shrink sounds like a dick, sorry to be so blunt about it. I hope you find the right mix for your state of mind.

    1. Blunt is good. He is a dick.

    1. Thank you. I appreciate it.

      1. I just wish I could also send chocolate. Xx

  11. A powerful post. I’m praying for you. I hope that’s okay.

    1. That is totally okay. I’ll take whatever I can get. 😀

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