User Friendly Songs

The next couple of songs I’m bringing to you are what I like to call “user friendly”.  That’s the new PC name for, as twindaddy would say, “People with welcome mats in front of their crotches.”  Now technically I’ve done this before under the “Chipper Cheatin’ Song” heading with songs like “Run Around Sue” and “The Wanderer” – hilariously sung by the exact same person.  They certainly do fall in this category, and likewise the two songs I’ll introduce could fall into chipper cheatin’.  But I just really wanted to use the phrase “User Friendly” cause I like it.  Here we go.

First up is the 1995 hit “Macarena”.  This is one of those songs so popular it not only was played on the radio until your ears bled, it also inspired a stupid dance craze!  What was great about this dance was that anybody, no matter how uncoordinated, could do it, since it mostly involved hopping and slapping your butt.  And they STILL play this song at weddings and other special occasions, so it’s not going away any time soon.  Think of it as the modern day Chicken Dance, only more slut-tastic.

Heyyyyyy Macarena . . . you're welcome.

Heyyyyyy Macarena . . . you’re welcome.

Our girl of the hour, apparently named Macarena, likes to dance with lots of men.  If you’re good she’ll take you home with her.  She might take several of you.  Now she has a boyfriend, but she doesn’t really like him, so don’t worry about him even if his name is Spike and he bench presses large buildings for fun.  So Macarena cheats on him, but she has a perfectly understandable reason for doing so.

What was I supposed to do?

He was out of town.

And his two friends were soooo fine.

Good point, there, Macarena.  I mean, he was gone, but his hot friends were there, so what could you do?  Wait, did she say his two friends were so fine?  Well, if you’re gonna cheat, go all the way.  Very impressive, girlfriend.  Now her parts are the only ones you can understand.  Otherwise we’ve got these two guys chanting in Spanish.  I took years of Spanish but still can’t translate all of it except random bits like “thing good” but I’m pretty sure “she’s a tramp” is in there somewhere.

Now the video is incredibly inspiring, if your name is Britney Spears.  Otherwise it’s just a bunch of girls in crop tops and spandex shorts bouncing around and lip synching to the song – I guess to prove that any gal can be Macarena if she just lowers her standards a lot.  Then every once in a while you get those two old guys in suits on the album cover who chant the chorus.  I don’t know why they don’t wear spandex shorts.  Maybe even the Macarena has some sense of decency deep down.  Deeeep deep down.  Take a look.

Next up, just to be fair, is a user-friendly guy.  Lou Bega brought us “Mambo No. 5” in 1999.  This was another very popular song that was played over and over until people stormed the radio stations with sticks.  Not really, but I would have liked to see that.  Lou tells us his dating philosophy.

A little bit of annoyance in your brain . . .

A little bit of annoyance in your brain . . .

To me flirtin’ it’s just like a sport
Anything fly it’s all good let me dump it
Please set in the trumpet (from lyricsfreak.com)

That didn’t make much sense, so I looked on several other lyrics’ sites, because sometimes they don’t agree.  But these all did.  So he’s wanting to dump something and set in the trumpet. So is he going to sit in the trumpet, or set something inside the trumpet?  What is he dumping?  The world may never know.  Anyway, like Macarena, Lou’s not all that picky.  He lists all the girls he’s supposedly “flirted” with, much like Dion did in The Wanderer, only his list is longer.

A little bit of Monica in my life
A little bit of Erica by my side
A little bit of Rita is all I need
A little bit of Tina is what I see
A little bit of Sandra in the sun
A little bit of Mary all night long
A little bit of Jessica here I am
A little bit of you makes me your man

Uh, no thanks, Lou.  After all those other girls, I might be afraid of “a little bit of Herpes” comin’ my way.  Lou also lists dance steps, though I don’t think anyone bothered copying these.  They were too busy trying to remember the names of all the girls Lou had hit.  Hopefully Lou wrote all their names and numbers on the bathroom wall for the convenience of his friends.

I’ll just tell ya right up, this video makes the Macarena video look like something classy out of Masterpiece Theater.  It is not safe for work, unless you work at a porn store, then go right ahead.  I’m really not kidding here.  Thing starts out normal, showing a bunch of freaky old mambo dances, then goes to our Lou with his magic marker stash peepin’ in on these women who are gyrating in their underwear (which covers almost half a butt cheek), over and over and over.  This is probably the point at which I will lose most of my straight male readers who have left to check out Rita, Tina, and Sandra, so I might as well stop for the rest of us too.  Be safe, guys.

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29 responses

  1. This is a test. Ask why later.

      1. Because wp was acting wonky.

  2. Hooray for the welcome mat. Please wipe your feet before entering.

      1. Gotta keep it clean, you know.

  3. slut-tastic. yes! I dislike that Maccaroni song :o) But I’m happy for the guy named Lou Bega, that he made some wonga with Monica, Erica and…

    1. I could get behind a Hey Macaroni song – I like that stuff. I have a feeling Lou might be making some of that up – did all those girls really want to hang with that guy? Ick.

  4. I always thought the Spanish on Macarena was the Spanish equivalent of “dum diddy doo”, not actual words. “Hey Macarena!” Is the only intelligible part, which is why it’s so fun to dance to and had lasted so long.

    1. Actually, Doggy went and looked it up and – I wish it was dum diddy doo. I think it’s more like the translation to that childhood song “La Cucharacha.”

      1. It’s about smoking pot ?

  5. Wow, I’d forgotten about Lou – the only brother ever to be born with NO MOVES. I’m also kind of curious as to which kind of eyeliner he uses to paint on that terrible little mustache.

    1. Awful, isn’t it? Like, ew, wipe that off, Lou. And quit peeping on all those women in their undies.

  6. Let me tell you you are totally right about Macarena being a two bit hoe.
    The parts in Spanish say things like “Dale a tu cuerpo alegria Macarena
    que tu cuerpo es pa’ darle alegria y cosa buena”, they are basically encouraging Macarena (who by the way was name after a Virgin) to get into gang bangs.
    Then it also says “le gustaria vivir en Nueva York y ligar un novio nuevo ” which means she would like to move to NYC and get a boyfriend there, basically a traveling hooker.

    Fear not, I didn’t know the lyrics, I had to google it, knowing the lyrics and admitting to it would be a social disaster.

    1. Get in a gang bang, be a hooker, everyone let’s dance! La Cucharacha or however you spell that is about a prostitute who can’t walk because she needs a cigarette . . . yo no puede caminar . . . cigarillos de fumar, cha cha cha! What a great song for kids to sing!

  7. It’s kind of hilarious that all my friends and I danced to the Macarena at our middle school dance. Clearly our parents had no idea what it meant or it never would have played. This really makes me want to try and slip other subversive things into the school system, trusting that no-freaking-one will understand them if they’re not in English.

    1. That’s a pretty safe bet. Who the heck knows what that Psy guy is singing in Gangham style but everyone’s dancin’ to it.

  8. I think that mysterious sentence has to be “please send in the strumpet”. I’m going to watch the video now, just to test my theory, of course.

    1. It certainly SHOULD be send in the strumpet. I think it makes much more sense that way.

  9. I loathe the Macarena to this day, mainly because of the dance craze. I may be the only person who lived through the 90’s who not only never did the Macarena, but never even learned how to do it (and don’t tell me now!)

    Mambo #5 is a fun little song, though. Definitely a guilty pleasure, even if he is just reading girls names out of a phonebook…

    1. I be that’s how he picks the girls out too – with the phone book. I remember the parody of the Macarena which was a person getting arrested by the police – hands behind the back, etc. That was funny.

  10. I admit I love both songs (especially Macarena – it’s my wedding favorite, ha), but never watched the videos. I think there’s a reason I try to avoid the videos…

    1. I do find the Macarena catchy and enjoy making fun of the girl – soooooo fiiiiiiine). There is definitely a reason to avoid the videos. Many of the ones I have posted I never saw until I did the post – and wow are they freaking weird.

  11. There seems to be a craze for things like Macarena where there’s a sort-of set dance. First there was Kylie’s “Locomotion” and then there was “Saturday Night” and then Macarena, and then there was that awful slide-cha-cha-cha thing. What’s going to be next? Then again, I don’t think I want to know!

    1. Don’t forget Billy Ray Cyrus’s “Achy Breaky Heart” dance – a line dance. Oh the horror.

      1. That one mustn’t have caught on here in the UK because I don’t remember it. Or maybe I just repressed it…

  12. Oy vey! I thought I had left Macarena behind me forever! Yes, it is a song about a slut. The chanting parts are even slutty. If I remember right it goes something like

    Give pleasure to your body Macarena,
    Because your body is for giving pleasure

    And then it goes on to show just how skanky she is.

    Her boyfriend (I think they say his name is Victorino, but I’m guessing) is away enlisting as a soldier, so she goes and bangs his two friends.

    But she really wants to live in New York so she can have the greatest fashions, and so she can get herself a New York boy.

    I was honestly kind of shocked how popular the song was even after the translation was released during the height of its popularity. I try to just black those days out all together. About the only thing I can remember is that the song was played in its entirety on the Rush Limbaugh Show (equally frightening). Apparently he played it so that everyone could see how scandalous it was. I think he might have gone through and translated it as well.

    Just scariness all around.

    As for Lou Bega, I can’t hate on him too much, mostly because I actually like that song. Yeah, he seems kind of scandalous. Although, in fairness, he only claims to checking the girls out and fantasizing about them. Plenty of men and women do that. The only problem is, he’s a relatively suave looking, successful musician – so yeah, we can pretty much assume he was scoring with the women too. Of course, another reason I’m probably not as hard on him is we are warned in the title what the song is all about. It’s a Mambo. Uhm, pretty much, it’s going to be a song for having sex with clothes on. I actually was already familiar with the original Mambo No. 5 that his song is an adaptation of.

    What can I say, I grew up in Arizona in a predominantly Latin neighbourhood. I saw and heard plenty of Mambo and Samba and even Tango and Merengue.

    1. Okay, so I looked up the lyrics and yes you’re spot on. This girl cheated on her boyfriend while he was enlisting in the service – I’m even MORE impressed! But I DO think you might be slightly prejudiced on the Mambo no.5. He’s definitely a horn dog. At least he’s not openly admitting to cheating on one particular girl, as he seems very equal opportunity there.

      1. No doubt he’s a horn dog. At least he is an honest one though. If I were a woman I would probably still be avoiding him. But that chic from that other song? Ugh. She’s just bad news all around.

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