The Other Baby Story Part One

A long time back, I wrote about the baby story of Thing One.  Thing Two has been most irritated that I have not written about her yet.  There is a reason for this.  A lot of that story is filled with OH THE HORROR but I will try to recall it for her sake.

Look how happy and stylish she looks.  I did not look like this ever.

Look how happy and stylish she looks. I did not look like this ever.

Once we had Thing One a few years, we figured we pretty much had this parenting thing down.  I wanted another one, because I had STUPID which makes one think BABIEZZ all the time.  My husband was thinking more about diapers and money and our tiny house, but I was much more practical.  I thought BABIEZZ.  When we didn’t agree, I wrote a diary entry whining about how incredibly unfair life was.  I also told several other people at a marriage retreat about my sob story.  At this point, I was already pregnant, which people greatly enjoyed pointing out to me later.  Ha ha.

I took the pregnancy test and bang I got just what I wanted so obviously I started to PANIC like crazy.   What were we going to do?  We couldn’t afford a baby!  We had no idea what we were doing with Thing One!  When in danger, when in doubt, run in terror, scream and shout.  There was an entry in the baby book that asked what you first thought when you found out you were expecting the bundle of joy.  Terror did not seem like a nice thing to put in a baby book.

Expressions like "OMG" and not generally expected in memory books.

Expressions like “OMG” are not generally expected in memory books.

My husband, in typical fashion, just took it in stride like he always does.  Oh, a baby.  Okay.  Well, I have anxiety and depression, and combine that with pregnancy hormones and boy do you have a whale of a lot of fun.  Speaking of whales, I didn’t show in my pregnancy with Thing One until well into my 5th month.  With Thing Two, I was showing as soon as the stick turned pink.  I tried on my old maternity clothes and they were already too small.  Not a good sign.

In keeping with the animal theme, I was also sick as a dog, again, something I had conveniently forgotten about it.  Only this time, I got to take care of a three-year-old at the same time.  A three-year-old who had not yet potty-trained because hey, someone would change her diaper right?  This is a theme that continues with Thing One. Why do it when someone else will eventually get around to doing it for you?  Smart kid.  For instance, she had a great way of letting us know she’ d like some juice, please.

Duuuuuuuuuuice!

Duuuuuuuuuuice!

We had a slight communication problem going on because, as it turned out, Thing One had a verbal delay.  Her Sunday School teacher informed me about this, saying that by now she should be speaking in complete sentences.  My husband and I just thought we were really lucky to have a quiet kid.  Parenting Fail.  So I took her to a school and had her tested and found out she was way behind in a lot of areas, at least according to them.  “Hums herself to sleep as an infant” was not on their list.  I thought their list sucked, but more on that in another post.

The plus side of this was that they were willing to take her in a preschool program without her being potty-trained.  Hallelujah!  Just one problem.  I was so sick at this point that I couldn’t venture far without my good pal, bucket.  Many times I was in debt to my mother, who drove 15 miles to take Thing One to school when I was too green to climb out of bed.

Bucket, my erstwhile friend . . .

Bucket, my erstwhile friend . . .

I was also a big, whiny lump.  While pregnant with Thing One I managed to teach two graduate classes while also taking two graduate classes.  She was born less than a month after I finished my studies.  With Thing Two I was lucky to be able to walk from one side of the house to the other without either bawling or puking or some combination of both.  Thing One was either blissfully unaware most of the time or she was ignoring me, it was kind of hard to tell at that point.

Once I got past the worst of the morning sickness, I thought, hey, maybe I can make it.  We got a sonogram done, and I was anxious to find out what the gender was.  The technician told me confidently that she had never not been able to tell the gender of a baby.  She tried to get a lock on Thing Two, not knowing that my obgyn had tried that earlier and couldn’t even get a heartbeat because as soon as her stethescope touched me, Thing Two kicked her off and moved, then did it again, and again.  Thing Two had attitude from conception, I’m fairly certain.

Hi Mommy I'm going to use your uterus as my personal trampoline!

Hi Mommy I’m going to use your uterus as my personal trampoline!

She kept her knees together stubbornly.  The tech was determined though, and got her to turn over in my stomach. She did, keeping her legs together the entire time.  Finally the tech gave up, concluding that it must be a girl because the boys liked to show off their, um, parts early on while the girls were more demure.  Yes, demure, that sooo describes my Thing Two.

What I didn’t know at that time, was that they were also taking measurements and they found one they didn’t like.  So I went back the next month, and later was told something absolutely terrifying.  There was a possibility Thing Two might have down syndrome or possibly fluid on her brain.  The doctor was new, and just told me this casually in her office.  How would I find out?  Oh, I could see a specialist.  IN TWO WEEKS.

To be continued . . . but not in two weeks, promise.

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47 responses

  1. Because you should tell someone something like that and MAKE THEM WAIT for a couple of weeks, so you can really ramp up the stress….

    1. Yes, I thought that was a brilliant strategy myself.

      1. Stress is so good for a preggo and the baby.

        1. what amazed me is how blaze the doctors were about it – like oh, just a severe disability that completely changes everyone’s lives or possibly kills the kid oh hey gooody. And that one specialist wasn’t even going to tell me what he found – like WTF???

          1. WEIRD. Bedside manner does not come naturally to everyone, obviously.

  2. Surprisingly, I’ve never been pregnant.

    1. You mean you weren’t that one pregnant man they talked about in People?

      1. Sadly, no.

        1. You could have been so famous!

          1. Perhaps I will be anyway.

          2. For being the longest running stormtrooper blogger?

          3. World record! Someone get me Guiness on the phone.

          4. Guiness says “blogger? what’s that?”

          5. Pfft. Have you seen some of the things they have in those books?

          6. Well, that’s true. There’s a reality show where people try to defeat records like number of mouse traps snapped on your tongue. No seriously, that was one.

          7. I believe that. And stupid…wow.

  3. Thing Two is jealous that she wasn’t written about NOW. In a few years, she’ll probably be mortified.

    1. True. At least I don’t give her real name or post naked pictures of her on here.

      1. So maybe there’s still hope that you won’t get placed into a crooked nursing home!

        1. Yes! Be nice to your kids – they pick your nursing home!

  4. Wasn’t it about that time you stopped speaking to me for several months because I developed a bad case of First Time Mom Know It All-itis and Foot in Mouth Disease?

    1. Yes it was. New mom hormones and pregnant hormones should never, ever mix.

  5. “Mommy, juice…” Forever etched into my mind….

    1. We still follow her around sometimes yelling “Duuuuuuuuuice!”

  6. Don’t you love how doctors casually mention horrible things at the very end of the appointment? I especially love it when they know you have anxiety and do it anyway.

    1. Oh yeah, everything looks good except this tumor in your toe heyy see ya next time!

  7. More reasons I have never reproduced.

    1. And I’ll give you more and more if you read on.

  8. I had the same concern with my second–my AFP was low which can be a sign of Downs. I had the special ultrasound, and that was reassuring. I didn’t do any further testing, because it would either happen or it wouldn’t. My boy was born healthy, but it’s quite a scare, isn’t it?

    1. Exactly. I know some like to prepare, but I would have rather figured it out the day the child was born – four months of constant stress and worry would not be good for me. Esp when you can do nothing about it. I think sonograms can cause a lot of unnecessary worry in parents.

      1. I didn’t want to have the amnio because I didn’t want to risk miscarriage. The risk is small, but it’s there.

        1. I did my own research on the measurement they suspected on Thing Two’s neck – was called a nucal translucency and the test for it is done between 11 and 13 weeks of pregnancy – I was six months pregnant at the time of the sonogram – wayyy later than normal tests are done. By that time the fluid would probably be absorbed. So I bet it was her foot behind her head or something.

          1. She was messing with you. Even in utero!

          2. She really, really was. Personality formed at conception.

  9. Sometimes Doctors can be complete imbeciles. Education, schmeducation! Can’t wait to read “the rest of the story”!

    1. Yes they can. In her case, I believe it was mostly because she was so new. But some of them are just because.

  10. “Duuuice!” that word gives me nightmares.

    1. Me too. We still like to follow her occasionally and cry Duuuuice!

  11. Thank you for just reinforcing why I stopped at one. The stress, the taking care of some small helpless person-thing while feeling like shit, the stress and the stress.

    1. And the stress. As soon as Thing Two was born, the doc asked if I still wanted that tubal ligation. I was like, “Wtf were you HERE a few minutes ago? YES.”

  12. I was apparently a delayed child as well. I was told I didn’t start talking at all until I was four. And even now, I still shit my pants sometimes, hoping someone will come by to change me….

    1. I bet Justin Bieber has a staff of people to do that.

  13. I hope you bapped that doctor on the head like the fairy did to peter cottontail!

    1. I sure wanted to. How’s it going, Jill?

  14. Oh, the joys of medical staff and people who think they know better. All kids develop at different rates, so why the stress over ThingOne? I can understand concern for ThingTwo, but agree it could have been handled better!

    1. Definitely. I shall have to make a post about Thing One’s testing – it was actually pretty funny.

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