An Alice Halloween Special 2013

Last year I did a Halloween Special where I talked about Peanuts and the Great Pumpkin and how I was surprised Charlie Brown did not become a serial killer.  My children, the Things, have been nagging me about doing another Halloween Special because I did it last year and now, you know, it’s suddenly tradition.  Crap.

Throw the rock, Charlie Brown, do ittt!

Throw the rock, Charlie Brown, do ittt!

Since I’ve already tackled the Great Pumpkin, I suppose I should get to the origins of Halloween.  If you’ve read my other holiday origin posts, then you know I have done extensive research here, so get ready to be amazed.

I said prepare to be amazed!

As we all know, Halloween is Satanic, but what you might not know is how Satan came up with the whole idea.  Well, first off, you have to feel a little sorry for the dude.  I mean, he screwed up once and suddenly he’s demoted to manager of the bottom floor.  I like to picture Hell as a giant waiting room in a doctor’s office.  You sit for eons waiting to get a pitchfork out of your chest or for someone to treat your 4,000 degree burns.  But guess what?  No doctor is EVER coming.  Unless you’re Catholic.  Then you might get a doctor after a few centuries, but you can’t be certain if he’ll accept your insurance.  Maybe you better just stay in the waiting room.

Should you ever actually reach a doctor, you'll get her.

Should you ever actually reach a doctor, you’ll get her.

But I was talking about Satan.  He’s got all these angry sinners moaning at him all the time about how the lady fell on the knife honest, or hey can you turn down the heat, or it’s been 6,000 years can I stop rolling this boulder uphill?  Whine, whine, whine.  Then you look up and what’s the Big Cheese doing?  Hanging out with the easy good people and the cute little cherubs and stuff.  They have air conditioning up there, and word has it, Cable.  You’re bound to get a little resentful eventually.

See all the cool stuff they get upstairs?

I was lazy so this is my representation of Heaven.  You might prefer the other.

So Satan figured out a way to get even.  He’d come up with a holiday.  It was only fair since the Great CEO already had Easter, Christmas, and Labor Day. But Satan, that wretched scourge of humanity, had to have a holiday that was seriously diabolical.  He decided to encourage small children, those innocent little cherubs, to dress up in outrageously overpriced costumes modeled after figures in popular culture, which we know is evil, and then, and THEN he would have them go beg neighbors for candy to rot their teeth out.  It was horrible yet BRILLIANT and parents fell for it, mostly because he sent his demons to place tons of advertising out well in advance of the holiday so the kids couldn’t possibly miss it.  He’s still not as efficient as the angels who get out the Christmas stuff in August, but he’s getting better and better.

But Mommy I wanna be Hannah Montana!

But Mommy I wanna be Hannah Montana!

So just remember, each year when Tommy dresses up like the 5,000th Iron Man on the block, or Susie dresses up like a cute ballerina, that this is part of Satan’s plan.  He knows that Iron Man is totally violent and that ballerinas often become anorexic and thus both are awful role models.  He’s chuckling as you shell out your hard earned money for something the kids will wear for one night, or worse, insist on wearing FOREVER.  Not only that, you’re going to have to spend Halloween night either taking the kid to some obnoxious carnival with bouncy houses, or dragging them door to door and hoping the people inside aren’t creepers.  And don’t think you get out of it if you don’t have kids.  You can turn the light off at your house, but the little punks will still come and ring your doorbell every five seconds until you lose your mind.

All. Night. Long.

All. Night. Long.

Now there are some parents who refuse to go along with the plan because they know Satan’s plan.  But they can’t escape it either, for yea, Satan is everywhere.  And their kids will whine that their friends get to do Halloween and why can’t theyyy and the churches will give in and have “fall festivals” that are really Halloween in disguise and you can’t go shopping without seeing the evil everywhere and there is no avoiding it unless you plan on moving to an Amish village or worse, some foreign country like France.  So it’s best to just give in and let Satan have his day.  Maybe then he won’t be so handy with the pitchfork when you die choking on a candy corn.

My reaction to candy corn - and Halloween in general.

My reaction to candy corn.

Happy Halloween!

24 responses

  1. Halloween is the best.

  2. If the hell is like the doctors waiting room, than it seems we have still the hell on earth LOL The son of a friend will be dressed as Hannah Montana this year. He is a big fan of Hannah – but he has NO clue about Miley Cyrus, silly kid :o)

      1. hahaha I’m not sure… the kids laughed because he was a boy in a girls costume, the adults laughed… for any other reason :o)

  3. If Heaven is filled with my little ponies then I’ll gladly burn in hell. I’m sure I’m heading that way, anyhow. Just sayin’.

    1. There will be many friends there waiting, most likely.

      1. Indeed. See you there?

  4. Rumor has it the candy corn you chock on is not even Brach’s!

    1. Talk about adding insult to injury – store brand candy corn is probably even worse. Maybe like Circus Peanuts.

  5. You have to say though, Satan is beyond brilliant. Making little kids dress up as Miley Cyrus, now that is pure evil.

    1. It really is. Shame on Satan.

  6. If wanting to get lots of candy is Satanic, then call me a Satanist. And I think its only natural that heaven would have My Little Ponies in it.

    1. Well, I thought of “he maketh me lie down in green pastures . . .” it never says there aren’t rainbows and ponies there too.

  7. Well, it’s already a quarter to eight (pm) here right now and I’ve got two little bags of sweeties all ready and no little Satanic kiddies have rung the doorbell yet. Where are they all? Bastards.

    1. They were probably hiding in the bushes waiting to TP your house. Did they get it?

  8. Halloween is a convenient way for me to get rid of my unwanted candy without having to throw it away. I have a whole bowl full of shit I don’t like sitting here waiting to give gobfulls to whoever happens to show up tonight, and naturally it’s raining….

    1. Hey, guys, shitballs at ES’s place woooot!

  9. I read some Halloween stories today. I’d like to think that I was doing Satan’s bidding.

    1. Think of all the small children you can convert to the Dark Side!

  10. I mean, really, Satan’s kind of a cool guy for giving us a reason to gorge on candy…

    1. Good point. He’s having an affair with the tooth fairy and hoping for a cut in the rotten teeth maybe?

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