Monthly Archives: November, 2013

Alice’s Thanksgiving Special 2013

Note: I was gonna put this up on actual Thanksgiving, like I do with most holidays, then I remembered you would all be drugged out on tryptophan or dodging death at the stores.  So here it is one day early!

I wasn’t sure if I could top last year’s festive Thanksgiving post in which I managed to mention tin foil turkeys, capitalism, and smallpox infected blankets all in one post.  I told the story of the first Thanksgiving, which I’m sure is totally true and stuff, so now I’ve got to think of something different to talk about but it’s Thanksgiving and let’s face it, no one really cares about that holiday.  Except that we get time off and good food but then we pay for it with having to see our families.

Well most people get time off, but not those in retail!  Nopes, that’s because there is a much, much more important holiday than Thanksgiving known as Black Friday.  It used to be on Friday, but people went insane, camping in front of stores for days on end, getting into fights, and just generally running amok all over the stores like they’d suddenly morphed into chimps high on crack.  So they moved it up to Thursday.  And now people camp outside, get into fights, and run amok (I like that word) like chimps on actual Thanksgiving instead of the Friday right after at two A.M.

These people have been here since last week.

These people have been here since last week.

Notice you never see decorations for Thanksgiving but you DO see Christmas stuff just as soon as Halloween is over?  That’s because Black Friday is actually the first day of Christmas.  Kind of like how Good Friday comes right before Easter, only it’s something evil rising this time.  I know you thought there were only twelve days, but you’re wrong.  There’s like up to six weeks of Christmas.  Joy, joy, joy!  I’m so THANKFUL.

Back when they had Black Friday on an actual Friday, I went with my friend L and her father in order to have the true Black Friday experience.  We stood in line in the cold early Friday morning, waiting for Target to open because there was something we wanted that was cheap and because we were out of our minds.  They opened the doors and kapow, people shot through the gates like racehorses.  One guy actually leaped over a couple of carts, and some jerk cut in front of us which was pretty brave considering L’s father is like 8 feet tall.  Fortunately, no one was trampled this time because then we would have had to cut our shopping trip short, like those poor people in Wal-Mart after that employee was killed. (Click to enlarge)

I can't see how anything could go wrong here.

I can’t see how anything could go wrong here.

Only on Black Friday can you hear “Ronald, there’s a fight in electronics, please come.” on the loud speaker.  I missed the fight, but apparently it was over a camera.  We got our crap and then got into another line, this one wrapping around the inside of the store.  L’s dad isn’t the patient type, so he wandered around and found the jewelry counter with no waiting.  He called L’s cell phone and we hurried over to the jewelry counter and checked out lickety-split!  Then L’s dad announced loudly “Hey, no waiting at jewelry!”  The employees gave us the death stare, and we made the good decision to run.

You might be wondering what kind of stuff would be worth putting up with Black Friday or Thursday or whatever you want to call it.  Well look no further, because I have a list of some of the hottest items for Christmas this year.

Arghhh kill IT!

Arghhh kill IT!

In case you didn’t recognize this freakish electronic thing, it’s a Furby.  They were big years ago but then died out but guess what?  They’re back!  The description reads “A whole new generation of Furby critters is about to hatch! Collect virtual eggs, hatch furblings. Get yours in time for Christmas 2013!”  Eggs?  Hatching?  Furblings?  Be afraid.

Maybe try Legos.  Those seem innocent enough.

Look, an educational museum - let's rob it!

Look, an educational museum – let’s rob it!

This Lego set is called Lego City Police Museum Break-in.  Because it’s never to early to teach your children a life of crime!  Granted you’re supposed to have the cops capture the robbers, but I know I’d totally have the robbers getting away, because that’s just the kind of gal I am.

But Legos require some imagination, and let’s face it, that crap is highly overrated.  Try this instead.

It's the new Wii PS Xbox 14, just in time for the holidays!

It’s the new Wii PS Xbox 14, just in time to be out of date next month!

For all the children who are into electronic gaming, we have the latest whatever it is!  This system allows you to play all the best games like Call of Heavy Duty Theft Killzone.  In order to satisfy demand, stores will issue exactly six of these each.

For the professional in your life – even if we’re talking professional couch potato – look no further than Apple.

The iPhone 10 . . . or whatever.

The iPhone 10 . . . or whatever.

At last we’re getting into what adults will like (because we know adults never play video games).  At least, I hope that only adults have a phone that costs over 600 dollars.  But it’s totally worth it, cause this phone can do everything from file your taxes to raise the dead.  There is nothing Apple can’t do – and charge ten prices for!

But maybe you’re stumped about a gift for a lady in your life.  Look no further than amazon for this treasure!

Words cannot describe how perfect this gift is.

Words cannot describe how perfect this gift is.

What I love about this is that not only is it an apron – cause what woman wouldn’t want a reminder of the need for cooking in a Christmas gift? – but also gives her the body her husband has always coveted in this busty, scantily clad super heroine.  I searched “gifts for women” on amazon, and honest to goodness this was one of the first things to come up.  Awesome.

So enjoy your turkey and stuffing, then lace up your shoes and prepare for battle!  Or you could suggest to your family that everyone just give each other the gift of LOVE this Christmas.  Either way, be prepared to run.

Behind the Fairy Tale: Peter Pan

Manic?  ME??

I’m so high I can FLY!

Ah Peter Pan.  I’ve a lot more fairy tale characters to go, but thus far I can safely say that I find him the most irritating little freak of them all.  For once, we do have a male lead, well, sort of.  He wears green tights and a feathered hat and flies around and is traditionally played by young women on stage, so you be the judge.  They even coined a pop psychology syndrome after him – Peter Pan Syndrome.  For men who won’t grow up.  Frankly, the only way I like Peter Pan is on my sandwich.

Now with more Cocaine!

Now with more Cocaine!

Most people know the story of Peter Pan.  He decided not to grow up and so flew off to Never-Never Land.  He finds a bunch of other “lost boys” – all dressed up as various animals for some reason (I really don’t want to know) and decides that they need a mother.  Next thing ya know, he’s breaking and entering the nursery of the Darling children (that’s their actual name) where he finds Wendy and her two little brothers.  For some reason, Wendy is still in the nursery even though she’s like, 12 or so, though it’s hard to tell with British children.  They act and sound much more grown up than your average adult in America, which is why we are so fascinated with you Brits.

Did I mention I'm Bri-tish?

Did I mention I’m Bri-tish?

He encourages them all to fly away with him to Never-Never Land, and being children, they’re like okay!  But how to fly?  Well, Peter doesn’t do it all on his own. That’s why he has Tinkerbell and her pixie dust.  This is your mama’s Tinkerbell, guys, not your kid’s.  She is not the same sweet fairy that’s in all those stupid Disney fairy movies they make now.  Nope, Tink is a jealous, vicious, vindictive little harpy, and quite proud of it.  She never says a word, but it’s usually easy to tell what she’s thinking.

Bite. Me.

Bite. Me.

Without consulting her, Peter shakes the crap out of her so Wendy and the others can fly.  Yeah, this treatment’s gonna backfire on him pretty soon.  They fly off to Neverland, meet the Lost boys, and Wendy decides to be their mom because this girl is really a 40 year old trapped in a kid’s body.

Pixie Abuse.

Pixie Abuse

Not everything is rosy, here, though.  There’s Pan’s arch enemy, Captain Hook, and his band of pirates.  Oooh, Captain Hook – seriously, he is just so messed up.  He’s this adult man who fights an eternal child and loses every single time.  Sad.  It’s hard to blame him for trying to kill Peter, though, I mean, who wouldn’t?  He’s an obnoxious little twerp that flies around taunting everybody.  If I were Hook, I’d be making use of that cannon.

It's sad, really.


Moving on, Tinkerbell is jealous of Wendy, and so gets the lost boys to shoot her out of the sky with a slingshot.  Shoot the Wendy bird!  Wendy is hit, and falls, and Tink is laughing her tiny butt off over it, until Peter finds her.  He banishes her, which I think was a bit harsh. I mean, she only attempted to murder the girl, right?  Pfft.

Wendy’s brothers decide to find the island’s “Indians” (I’m sorry Native Americans.  We’re morons.) and get captured by their leader “Big Chief” (sigh) who thinks they have kidnapped his daughter, Tiger Lily.  Oh, and according to Thing One, they apparently sing a song called “What makes the red man red”.  I had blissfully forgotten that part.  Oy.  Anyway, they plan to burn the boys at the stake.  Movie’s starting to look interesting.

Gawd, this is so racist.

Gawd, this is so racist.

Peter takes Wendy to see the mermaids.  They’re so sweet too, attempting to drown Wendy and all (this makes two times she’s nearly been killed since getting to this “magical” place).  The mermaids are scared off by Hook, who is the one who really kidnapped Tiger Lily.  Peter frees her and gets honored by the tribe.  The “best white boy” award or something.

Meanwhile, Hook captures Tinkerbell (he caught the tiny fairy, but can’t catch Peter) and tricks her into revealing Pan’s hideout.  I doubt he had to do much persuading – that pixie has traitor written all over her.  Hook sets a bomb for Peter and then captures the Darling children who are trying to return home with the lost boys, who Mom and Dad will just love adopting.  But Peter doesn’t want to grow up, he’s a Toys R Us kid, so he stays.  Tick, tick, tick – that’s the sound the alligator who swallowed Hook’s watch and hand makes but also the sound of the ticking time bomb.  Come onnnn, come onnnn . . .

Oh I am so scared do not make me tell the location of the hide out oh okay . . .

Oh I am so scared do not make me tell the location of the hide out oh okay . . .

Tinkerbell goes and ruins it, grabbing the bomb from Peter just in time so that it explodes on her.  Way to save the day after betraying everybody!  The fairy somehow survives the boom at point blank range, and Peter flies off to save Wendy and the boys.  Wendy is walking the plank when he arrives.  This makes THREE times she’s nearly been killed, and she’s only been there like a day.  No wonder no one ever grows up in Neverland.

Peter once again humiliates Hook (sad, saaaaad excuse for a pirate) and captures the ship, which he then flies back to the Darling home.  Seriously, Darling is the most annoying name.  They are darling children living in a darling house, and look it’s the darling cat and arghhh.  Peter drops them off and flies away.  Let’s hope he stays away.  Lock the windows, Wendy, lock ’em tight.

Kidnapping, plank walking, bombs, sword fights - what an innocent place!

Kidnapping, plank walking, bombs, sword fights – what an innocent place!

The original story was written by J.M. Barrie.  I haven’t read it, so I can’t say just how similar the cartoon is to the original book, though wikipedia, source of all knowledge, points out that Disney cut out some of the darker parts.  WTF?  Darker than kidnapping and burning at the stake?  Yikes.  You’ve gotta love those lighthearted Edwardian tales, eh?

Next up, The Little Bratty Mermaid.

I am TOP BLOG and stuff

I never thought I’d say this, but I’m almost jealous of all those peeps doing Nanoblowmore.  I mean, sure, they are about to lose their minds and have been doing every wacky thing possible for a post, but there’s this definite sense of camaraderie that comes with desperation and/or possible insanity. Plus I’ve gotten to read lots more posts from you guys than usual.  At last you are fulfilling your duties to ENTERTAIN ME.  Well done.

Which is why, sense November is almost over, I wanted to join in on some of the posts.  For one, I’ve seen award posts for the first time in a while.  And I got an award!  I’m sure this has nothing to do with needing another post either!  Well, not in all cases.  I actually got this award twice, which is kind of funny, but since it was merbear and twindaddy who gave it to me, I’ll write about it.

Speech, Alice, Speech!

Blog of 2013 the year!  Huh?

I am really proud of this one.  Of all the eleventy-billion blogs out there, I am the blog of the year.  Woooot!  I have beaten everybody else!  I am Queen of the Internetz!  I am . . . wait . . . how come other people have this thingy?  It says Blog of the year, not blogs.  I’m beginning to think this might be another chainmail award or something crazy like that!  Fortunately, I don’t care.

I’m supposed to nominate more peeps?  I can’t take this kind of pressure, you guyz.  Besides, I’m still going with the whole I am THE blog of the year, because I am happy in my delusions.  Also lazy.  But hey, there was another bandwagon people were on lately.  Peeps did tarot card readings on this totally legit site and I said this looks ridiculous, ME TOO.

First up, how I feel about myself right now.

That figures.

That figures.

The site says “You feel discontent or uneasy and feel a need for a change in your life, a new direction, perhaps even an adventure.”  And it’s represented by The Fool.  I’m thinkin’ a new direction probably wouldn’t be a good idea if I’ve got this moron fueling my destiny.  I’ll pass.

Next card – What I want most at this moment.



No offense, Mr. Death, but I’m not wanting you right now.  No death wishes.  I would think drawing this card to be a slighly bad omen, sort of like having Cancer as your birth sign (I’m so lucky).  But the site says “The cards suggest that what you most want at this time is absolute change, to end what you no longer want and start anew . . . However catastrophic such changes could be, embracing them will only make you grow in wisdom and experience.”  Or, you know, die.

Next up, my fears.  For some reason, Mr. Happy Death doesn’t appear here.  instead we get the Herc.

Well, this is awkward.

Well, this is awkward.

I like how the dude is riding a lion in this one.  That shows strength.  Also stupidity.  This card says “Whether you are recovering from ill health, a broken marriage or relationship, or challenges at work, you will find the will power to come out on top.”  Well, that about covers everything, doesn’t it?  I’ve had ill health, problem relationships, and challenges at work, but now I know if I ride a lion, I can be on top.  Thanks Tarot!

And now what I have going for me!  Yay!

A dude with a harp?  You're kidding me, right?

A dude with a harp? You’re kidding me, right?

The site says “It’s a time to celebrate with friends and loved ones, perhaps enjoy a well-earned holiday, a time of pleasure and good news around children or the conception or birth of a longed-for baby.”  What?  Baby.  Nooooo.  No no no no.  Go away angel dude.  No babies here.  Don’t even think about it.

So what’s going against me when I’ve got sun boy going for me?

Da fuq?

Da fuq?

According to this, that freaked out card represents “the world.”  So “the world” is against me.  Awesome.  But it adds “As always, fear holds us back and so often leads to missed opportunities. Do not give up or change direction this late in the game just because you have experienced delays – stick with it, have faith and trust the universe, and you will reach the successful conclusion you are wanting.”  Whatever that might be.  See, we’re always right here at Tarot international!

Finally: Outcome.

Outcome is chubby guy on a throne.  Okay.

Outcome is chubby guy on a throne. Okay.

This guy is called “The Emperor” but he doesn’t look anything like the guy in Star Wars.  Which I guess is a good thing.  According to this card “Expect success and achievement of your goals, this is a time for fulfillment of your ambitions. If you have placed your trust in your father, husband/partner or a man of significance in your life, they will come up trumps for you.”  Thank goodness I have me a man!  I have to wonder, though, what this means for straight guys with no dads.  Huh.

Well, there you go.  I’m thinking maybe the dove candy wrappers might be about as useful, but who knows?  I’ll let ya know.  In fact, if you’d like me to do a tarot reading for you, complete with necessary sarcastic remarks, I’d be happy to do so.  Just ask.  I know. That’s why I’m Blog of the Year.

You’re welcome.


Behind the Fairy Tale: Sleeping Beauty

sleeping beauty1

Check out the dragon – woot!

Sleeping Beauty is one of my favorite Disney movies for one main reason: Maleficent.  This is one evil fairy you don’t wanna mess around with.  She will CUT YOU.  Forget to invite her to your baby shower?  Expect one death curse on your baby.  Also she can turn into a dragon and all sorts of crap when she’s angry.  Try not to piss her off.

Sadly, Sleeping Beauty’s parents didn’t get the memo.  The good fairies give the baby princess the gifts of Song and Beauty which begs the question – would the girl would have been tone deaf and ugly as a post without the gifts?  Who knows?  It’s just a good thing they didn’t come up with something silly to give her like, say, intelligence.  That’s what beauty is for!  Anyway, Maleficent shows up in a ball of fire to liven things up.  Check it!  And here’s another great power this lady has –the power of extreme sarcasm.

I am soooooo freaking awesome.

I am soooooo freaking awesome.

“To show I bear no ill will, I too will bestow a gift on the baby . . .” she coos.  Hahaha, SNAP, she slaps a curse on the kid, dooming her to death by spinning wheel on her sixteenth birthday.  Oh, the third chubby fairy tries to make it better, by simply dooming her to eternal sleep until true love wakes her up, but the king is having none of this.  Like all politicians, he promptly overreacts and burns every spinning wheel in the country.  I mean, come on, the fairy said 16th birthday.  You could have waited, I’d say, at least 15 years before burning all the spinning wheels and dooming your people to sew every darn thing by hand.   Not that it would do any good against a fairy who, considering she has the ability to appear and disappear in fire, probably can make a spinning wheel too.

The three fairies figure this out and come up with a plan to raise the kid alone without use of magic.  Again, the kid is an infant at this point.  16th birthday, people.  Still, the king and queen are freaked and so let these dimwitted fairies take their only child to be raised in the woods.  I can’t forsee any problems with this.

Yeah, I'd trust 'em.

Yeah, I’d trust ’em.

It works for a while, mostly because Maleficent relies on her stupid henchmen to search for the child, and they search every cradle – for the entire 16 years.  So hard to find good help these days.  I love how she says, “Sixteen years you’ve been looking for a baby . . . .” before completely losing it and zapping the heck out of her minions.  I’m not sure what Mal was doing all these years – being freaking awesome I guess.  Anyway, she finally gets wise and sends out her crow to look for a pretty girl who can sing.

Crap, I'm bored.

Crap, I’m bored.

And said pretty girl – the fairies name her Briar Rose – grows up trapped in a cottage with three irritating old women.  She has no one else to talk to but forest animals, so it is kind of hard to blame her when the first man shows up and she falls for him right away.  I think I would too at that point.  Like the prince in Snow White, he’s first attracted by her singing.  This movie does have some of the best songs – partly because they are words put to the original music from the ballet.  Anyway, she’s singing about meeting this hottie in her dreams and boom, real hottie shows up.  He has a name too – Phillip – and shock of all shocks, a bit of a personality too!  Big steps here, Disney.

A name, lines, everything.  I'm like a Renaissance Prince, dude.

A name, lines, everything. I’m like a Renaissance Prince, dude.

Anyway, she doesn’t realize he’s the prince she was originally promised to as an infant (I love the scene where five year old Phillip looks down at his future bride and makes a disgusted face).  And he, like her, thinks she’s a peasant.  Mistaken identity for the win!  It’s pretty much the only thing taking the girl away from her parents all this time has accomplished, since the fairies, eager to make a halfway decent cake and dress for her birthday, start using magic.  Not sure how they’ve been sewing and cooking all this time, but whatever.  It quickly devolves into two of them shooting the crap out of each other with wands, which the crow notices while flying overhead.  Brilliant.

In between, while waiting for the princess, there’s a great scene where the two kings get falling down drunk.  I’d love to see that happen in one of their movies today.  But drinking is wrong!  Except when it’s funny!

Anyway, Phillip informs his father that he’s marrying hot peasant babe (great quote: “Come on, father, it’s the 14th century – times are changing!), and Rose gets the great surprise that hey, we’ve been lying to you all this time, and now that you’ve finally met someone, you get to go be a princess and marry some prince you don’t know!  Happy birthday!  After this a series of mishaps happen resulting in Phillip getting captured by Maleficent and Rose (or Princess Aurora, whatevs) getting possessed and touching a – wait for it – magic spinning wheel created by evil fairy magic.  Dun dun dummmm!

One possessed princess comin' up.  Touch itttt, touch itttt . . .

One possessed princess comin’ up. Touch itttt, touch itttt . . .

Well, now that the good fairies have managed to royally screw up EVERYTHING, they try to fix it.  Since the princess is asleep, why not put all the rest of the castle asleep, you know, to spare the king and queen any suffering (and spare their own behinds, I wager.)  This is just one example of hero has misfortune, the entire staff has misfortune.  They finally figure out the mixup and go rescue Phillip from prison and give him a shiny sword and shield.  So he rides off to the castle but wait, Maleficent ain’t goin’ down easy.  She puts up thorns, then turns into a freaking dragon “Prepare to face ME and all the powers of HELL!”  Whoa.  I don’t know about Phillip, but I’d be wettin’ ’em.



I like the Disney version better than the original fairy tale.  At least in this one, she’s only asleep a short time, and she’s woken up by someone who knows she’s under a spell and who she’s actually met before.  In the original, the princess and the castle are all asleep for 100 years, which means when the prince finally gets there, she’s woken up by a stranger (again kissing what for all he knows is a dead girl) in a completely different universe.  Think falling asleep in 1913 and waking up today.  Yeah, slight culture shock there.  That would have to totally suck.

Who the heck are you?  Get out of my room!

Who the heck are you? Get out of my room!

So Phillip kills the dragon, and goes upstairs to wake the princess.  Of course she looks perfect in sleep, holding a rose, her beautiful, perfectly styled blond locks (very peasant like!)  laying across the pillow just so.   Yeah, that’s a natural sleep position.  I think it would have added a nice touch if the princess were snoring and drooling into her pillow.  Oh well.  Phillip kisses her and she wakes up.  Next thing you know, they’re downstairs dancing around the ballroom.  The stupid fairies continue to change her dress from pink to blue because some people NEVER LEARN.  I find it amazing how the peasant girl instantly knows how to dance in court (did the birds and racoons teach her?), but whatever.  The only disappointing thing is that Maleficent has to die (by the sword and Disney plummet death).  She was totally the most interesting character.

Realism in fairy tales.

Realism in fairy tales.

I’m not sure what the thing is with fairy tales and incapacitating women.  It’s looking like a bit of a trend here.  Maybe they figure if women are asleep, they’re more likely not to notice all the crap the men are doing.  I know that’s why I like napping today.  What do you think?

Stay tuned next time for the original “failure to launch” Peter freakin’ Pan.

Behind the Fairy Tale: Cinderella

This is some far out perfume.

This is some far out perfume.

Cinderella, Cinderella, do the laundry, do the dishes, yadda yadda.  I’m sure quite a few children pictured themselves Cinderella at some point.  Of course, then these little girls grow up and they really DO have to do all the work, while children cry “Mommy, Mommy” instead of Cinderella and Prince Charming hides under his car.

But I digress.  The story of Cinderella begins much the same way as Snow White.  Mom promptly drops dead of “Disney and/or fairy tales in general hate mom syndrome.”  Cinderella is left with dumb Dad, who once again gets her an evil stepmother and then drops dead.  Thanks, Dad.  This time, it’s worse, though, because Cinderella also gets two mean stepsisters to go with the mean stepmother.  Instant dysfunctional family!

We are fam-i-ly!  Woot.

We are fam-i-ly! Woot.

And like Snow White, Cinderella is made a servant in her own home.  Only difference is she’s some sort of nobility instead of a princess.  And she likes to sit by the cinders in the fireplace, so they call her “Cinder-ella.”  Good thing she didn’t like sitting by the cow chips.

Cinderella puts up with the abuse with a happy smile, just like all women should.  She sings while she cleans (Wtf with the singing while you clean?  I never once was tempted to sing while I cleaned.)  Also, she has help with her work.  From the vermin.  Yes, that’s right, even the disease infested rats love Cinderella.  She feeds them and protects them from Lucifer (uh huh) the cat and knits them tiny clothes in all her spare time, and in return they keep her company.  Reminds me a little of that show “Infested”.

Great mouse mistake - yeah that's one way to refer to the Black Plague.

Great mouse mistake – yeah that’s one way to refer to the Black Plague.

So her miserable life goes on, with stepmom and stepsisters (who the story points out are ugly, which automatically equals evil in fairy tale logic) loading chores on her while they lay around being ugly and whatnot.  Until one day they get this invitation to the prince’s ball.  He’s bride shopping, and any girl who shows up gets a chance at the bidding block.  Woot!  Stepmother decides that her daughters are going to attract the prince, because she’s somewhat delusional.  We’re talking an episode of “The Bachelor” here, not “Beauty and the Beast.”

Cinderella wants to go too, and so stepmom says that sure she can go, as long as she finds herself suitable clothes and finishes the impossible list of chores she gives her.  What a saint.  So Cinderella cleans and cleans.  The vermin realize she’s never gonna get her chores done, so after wasting time singing a song about how mean everyone is to her “Cinderelly, Cinderelly” (oh how I hate that song) they get down to business and together they fix up this old dress for her with cast offs the stepsisters toss down.

Oh, yeah, there were birds, too.  Girl talks to birds and mice.

Oh, yeah, there were birds, too. Girl talks to birds and mice.

Now I hate mice, but if I found some that could sing and sew, I would say “Heck with you stepmom, I’m goin’ on the road.”  She could have made a bloomin’ fortune!  Oh, well.  Cinderella is sooo happy when she gets back and realizes the dress is all ready.  She puts it on and rushes to join her stepfamily.  They promptly rip her dress to shreds when they realize part of her dress once belonged to them.  At this point, you’re beginning to think these guys might not be very nice people.

Heck, even Cinderella has finally figured this out, and breaks down and cries in the garden.  But never fear, her fairy godmother appears out of nowhere and gives her a heart attack.  She’s there to help the girl go to the ball!  So now we’re in an episode of “What not to Wear” combined with “Pimp my Car” and “Say Yes to the Dress.”  This is one big freaking reality show.

Oh that is sooo gross, girl, we're gonna have to throw out your whole closet!

Oh that is sooo gross, girl, we’re gonna have to throw out your whole closet!

If I were Cinderella, I might be asking why this lady didn’t show up like ten years ago when all this mess started.  But better late than never, I guess.  She creates a coach out of a pumpkin, and makes the mice and dog into horses and coachmen (talk about identity crisis) and then makes Cinderella a brand new dress complete with glass slippers.  Wow, talk about – freaking uncomfortable.  In case you didn’t know, many believe that the glass slippers come from a mistranslation of the original and Cinderella was supposed to be wearing fur slippers.  But what woman would wear fur when she could destroy her feet with breakable high heels, huh?

She gets to the ball, with the warning that the magic will end at midnight STAT.  The prince sees her, and BAM instant love connection.  He’s found his bachelorette.  They dance and forget the time and then Cinderella realizes and runs away so he won’t know that she really wears rags and drives a pumpkin.  Good choice, there.  On the way, she loses a slipper (plot point!).  The other slipper stays in her pocket.  So she got to keep the most uncomfortable part of the magic.  Thanks, FG!

Wanna get married?  It's like a million dollars, here.

Wanna get married? We’re talking like a million dollars, here.

The prince finds the slipper, but no girl.  Word gets out that the prince will marry the girl whose foot fits the slipper.  So he’s betting on there being only one size 0 in the entire kingdom.  What if some other girl wore the same size?  Then what?  Would they put them in a line up and see if Prince Genius can remember which one he danced with?

Honestly, I’m pretty sure Cinderella’s prince gets the prize for most useless.  He’s not even given a name, unless he really is named “Charming” which is the lamest name ever.  It’s his father who, unlike the prince, is short and dumpy and freaky looking, who gets all the screen time.  He wants grandchildren, so he’s ready to force his son into picking a wife right away.  No word from what the son thinks about all this.  Eh, who cares.  In this story, the prince is not the rescuer but the prize!  He’s so pretty, and look at all the ways you can pose him, Cindy!

A lackey is sent around with the enviable task of trying shoes on millions of stinky women’s feet.  Joy.  The stepmother figures out it is Cinderella the prince is looking for, and locks her up in her room when the shoe guys show up.  The stepsisters try on the shoes, but they don’t fit.  True fact: In the original fairy tale, the stepsisters are so eager to fit into the shoes, they actually chop their toes off.  No lie.  I’m guessing the shoe guys noticed all the blood building up in the shoes, because it didn’t work.  Later, birds come and peck out the eyes of the sisters.  Cinderella’s like “see ya suckers” and takes off with the prince.  I like that version, personally.

Okay, when we're done here - go for their eyeballs.

Okay, when we’re done here – go for their eyeballs.

In the Disney version, we can’t have blood or any of that fun violence, so the mice get the key and free Cinderella.  The stepmother destroys the glass slipper, but Cinderella has the other one.  That right there pretty much proves who she is, but they try the shoe on anyway, it fits, and Cinderella has won her man.  It pays to have size 0 feet, ladies.

If the shoe fits, wear it.  Just don't step too hard - that could be painful.

If the shoe fits, wear it. Just don’t step too hard – that could be painful.

So Cinderella marries the prince, and lives happily ever after with trophy man and creepy grandpa who I can only assume sits outside their bedroom until word of an impending grandchild arrives.  Oh, and the mice apparently come along and infest the castle, probably infecting the entire populace with the plague, but it was good while it lasted.

Next up, everyone’s favorite narcoleptic, Sleeping Beauty.

Behind the Fairy Tale: Snow White


Our first princess is Snow White.  This was Disney’s first feature-length fairy tale movie.  Like most Disney films, characters would break out into song at random times.  Who doesn’t remember “Some day my prince will come.”, “Whistle while you work.” (this one sort of breaks the princess code), or “Hi-ho.”  The dwarfs definitely got more of a role in Disney’s movie, with each dwarf being given a respectful name regarding some personality quirk.  Sleepy, Sneezy, Grumpy, Bashful, Dopey, Doc.  I’m not sure what the Doc one meant.  And I forget the seventh one at the moment – Stinky?  I’m just glad most of us aren’t given names in that matter.  Pretty sure I’d be “Lazy”.

Ohhh the other dwarf was Happy - figures I'd forget that one.

Ohhh the other dwarf was Happy – figures I’d forget that one.

Now Snow suffers from some of the themes I mentioned last time. Her mom dies right after giving her that pretentious name, and stupid dad decides to marry again. Keeping in mind that he has a kingdom to run and a young daughter to raise, he seeks a queen using the best prerequisites ever.  Is she a hottie?  Yes.  Hurray, welcome to the family!  Oops, time to die.  And as soon as he’s toast (it was natural causes right?) stepmother reveals her true colors, which are black, black, and black.

So right off the bat, we’ve got the princess affected by parents who were kind of stupid and now dead, and a stepmother who is alive and evil.  But Snow White is beautiful and sweet and innocent (cough, dumb).  The evil queen has her priorities straight.  She must be the most beautiful woman in the land.  I wouldn’t think that too hard, since as far as I can tell, she’s one of the only women in the land.  You never see any other subjects, with the exception of the dwarfs and the huntsman.  It would also have to make ruling much easier.

Gee, she seemed so nice before . . .

Gee, she seemed so nice before . . .

So she talks to this mirror all the time, and the mirror talks back.  Schizophrenia?  No, silly, it’s magic.  She could probably ask it anything, but only asks it if she is still top model.  This has to be boring as heck for the mirror, which is why he finally says “Nope, it ain’t you, sweetheart, it’s the kid.”  I can’t think of any other reason why Snow White was not the fairest one day and then the next day suddenly was the fairest.

So this is bad news for Snow.  The queen decides to destroy her beauty by – gasp – making her do chores.  But this doesn’t work, because Snow just goes out and happily mops the concrete while singing.  Not only that, her singing attracts some prince who was out wandering around and of course immediately falls in love with her.  I find this a little creepy, since in the Disney version she looks about twelve while the prince looks more like 22 or so.  But anyway, they sing and Snow acts all scared and he leaves and the queen gets really cheesed off and decides Snow White must die.

Heyyyy, how you doin'?  Am I not fabulous?

Heyyyy, how you doin’? Am I not fabulous?

She doesn’t do it herself, though, which is the downfall of every villain.  Instead she sends her wimpy huntsman with the simple task of cutting out the heart of a child and bringing it back to her. Easy peasy.  He fails cause she’s just so gosh darn cute, and tells her to run away into the scary forest where she can die slowly.  She does, has a major panic attack thinking the trees are out to get her, and then passes out.  When she wakes, all these animals show up and decide to eat her for dinner.  Just kidding.  They think she’s cute too, and so lead her to a nice little cottage.

This cottage isn’t abandoned – it’s owned by little children, she thinks.  Awww.  She takes the liberty of cleaning it for them.  I wish Snow would show up at my house.  Anyway, the dwarfs, who happen to be actual men though she continues to treat them like children (way to empower little people, Disney) also fall in love with her and let her stay.  But the queen realizes Snow’s still alive cause she is still not top model, so she decides, finally, to do the job herself.

Time to stop hittin' the bottle, queenie.

Time to stop hittin’ the bottle, queenie.

She disguises herself as a kindly old lady selling door to door apples.  Though she doesn’t quite get the “kindly” part right, because she is seriously disturbing.  Snow is stupid, though, and lets her in anyway, and eats some of the apple, and bam, drops dead.  Well, not totally dead, just asleep until some true love wakes her up but like that’s gonna happen when she’s buried, right?  Well, no, cause the dwarfs can’t bear to shove her in the ground!  Instead they make her a glass coffin so they can watch her body decompose in real time.  Cool.  They chase the queen off a mountain and she falls to a typical Disney plummet death so no one has to see blood.

What a sweet little old lady!

What a sweet little old lady!

In the original fairy tale, Snow is even stupider.  The queen comes by THREE times to kill her.  Once she laces her up too tight and nearly suffocates her, but the dwarfs come by and unlace her.  Another time she gives her a poison comb, but the dwarfs remove it.  Then she gives her the apple.  And she doesn’t wake with a kiss either.  Nope, the prince shows up, falls in love with the DEAD BODY and decides to drag it along behind him.

The coffin bumps, and she upchucks the apple and comes back to life.  WTF?  I mean, first off what was he going to do with the body if she hadn’t woken up?  And second, I’m pretty sure if the oxygen is blocked off to your brain that long, you’re gonna be dead even if someone gives you the Heimlich.  But still, Snow decides to marry this guy anyway.  So maybe she DID lose a lot more oxygen to her brain, which is bad since she didn’t have much to begin with.  Oh, well, happily ever after!

So how much do you want for her?  I'm thinking of propping her up on the front porch.

Next Time on Pickers:
So how much do you want for her? I’m thinking of propping her up on the front porch.

But back to the Disney version, which isn’t nearly as disturbing now, is it?  The prince shows up, decides to kiss the body (ew) and she wakes up.  Yay!  He picks her up in his arms and they ride away to his castle, the end.  No word on what happens when they get there.  Or what happens to the castle where the queen lived.  I wonder if the prince has anybody to rule over or if they just sit and twiddle their thumbs as well.  And what about the dwarfs?  Do they just go back to digging in the mines for gold and rubies which they then – what – eat?  What the heck do they do with all that stuff?  You’d think the queen would forget Snow White and just steal all the jewels they have buried in the back yard.  Priorities, people, priorities.

Okay, when their backs are turned, rush 'em!

Okay, when their backs are turned, rush ’em!

So one fairy tale down, dozens to go.  Stay tuned for Cinderella and The Bachelor.

Disney Princesses – Reviewed!

I’ve always loved fairy tales and princesses.  So does Disney.  It might surprise you, but the “Disney Princess” line really hasn’t been around that long.  It just seems that way.  My Thing One, who a few years ago was content enough to let her mother dress her up in pretty, pretty princess costumes, now thinks princesses and pink are yuck.  She also thinks all the princesses in the “Disney Princess” line are like replicas of each other.  Well, okay, she has a point there.  Which is interesting, considering that the actual princesses (some of them aren’t even princesses in their stories) do have personalities in the movies. As Thing One said, “What the heck happened to Jasmine?  She was kinda tough before.”

What do you mean they all look alike . . . oh.

What do you mean they all look alike . . . oh.

The answer is “marketing”.  Little girls like being princesses.  People are critical of this and often try to steer their kids away from such sexist notions.  But I think it makes just as much sense as little boys wanting to be dinosaurs.  Think about it – a princess gets to wear some awesome bling and have other people do all her chores for her.  What kid wouldn’t like that gig?  Also, just like dinosaurs, princesses probably get to go to bed whenever they darn well please because, well, they’re freaking princesses.  I know I would still like to be a princess but my dinosaur husband is too busy stomping around to listen to me.

This is not to say that little girls can’t be dinosaurs (hello Rara!) or little boys princesses.  At Thing Two’s fifth birthday party, we tried to give her boy buddy a more manly crown instead of the tiara all the girls got.  He cried.  So I gave him a tiara.  He promptly slapped that thing on and chased the girls around with his magic wand he had transformed into a ray gun. Some things are just kind of ingrained, sorry.

Or you could be some bizarre conglomeration of both.

Or you could be some bizarre conglomeration of both.

Anyway, what I wanted to address was Disney’s fairy tales. (I got distracted by the princessy shiny things, so sue me!)  How bad are they for little kids?  Are they any better, or worse, than the original fairy tales themselves?  I think a lot of people miss this part.  Most fairy tales were originally told as warnings.  For instance, in the original Little Red Riding Hood, she’s eaten by the wolf.  The end.  No kindly woodsman who just happened to be hanging around grandma’s house (which is sorta creeper).  Nope, she’s dead.  Because if you talk to strange wolves, you get dead.  Lesson: Don’t talk to strangers.  Sweet dreams, honey.

I loved the Disney fairy tale movies.  They had incredible animation, great songs, and beautiful characters and scenery.  No one looked like Spongebob and friends.  I liked that.  Now note I’m talking about the cartoon feature length movies, not the sequels or most of their live action stuff, which almost always sucks.  But is this a good thing for kids to watch?  Guess what?  I’m here to give you my reviews.  Keep in mind I also read the entire 50 Shades series, so what I find appropriate might not match what you find appropriate.  You never can tell.  But I think we’ll have fun.

You have to wonder about the prince that lives in this castle . . .

You have to wonder about the prince that lives in this castle . . .

Now most of these tales have certain themes in common.

Dead Parents: at least one of the parents is six feet under for some reason.  Usually the mother.  Disney hates mothers.

Bad Parenting: If the parents are alive, they aren’t that great. Either they marry stupidly (see Evil Stepmother Syndrome) or they are abusive, neglectful, or just plain stupid (see the Miller in Rumplestiltskin).

Good vs. Evil: Good is the innocent (ie dumb) princess.  Bad is the parent, dragon, etc.

Cute Animal Friends: she’s almost always scarily good with animals who repay her kindness by making her clothes, cleaning her house, and not eating her.

The “Prince”: Either this guy comes in and rescues the princess, or in other cases, is the prize the girl gets for a lifetime of crap.

Happily Ever After: This usually comes in the form of a marriage.  Cause everyone knows that marriage solves everything!

I’m sure there are more themes we’ll explore as I get into the stories.  If you can think of others, let me know!  Stay tuned for our first tale next time: Snow White and all those short guys.

Sesame Street High

Some friends and I (I will protect their guilt by using their initials T.D. and Merbear.) were discussing Sesame Street the other day.  There is much you may not know about this place (people still can’t figure out how to get there, for instance.)  Then we discovered this breaking report from Fox News that revealed all.  We will pass on our fair and off balance summary to you.

What did the Fox say?  Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

What did the Fox say? Ring-ding-ding-ding-dingeringeding!

If you donate to PBS, Big Bird will hook you up with some good drugs.

Big Bird’s nest is an EPA danger zone.

Rumor has it Grover gave the beat down to Elmo.  Finally.

Elmo is not so fly as he may appear.

Elmo is not so fly as he may appear.

Prairie Dawn only acts like she has a stick up her butt (which she does but, nevermind).  In reality, she’s a skank.

Telly Monster is no longer addicted to television.  Now he does strange things with triangles.  Oscar could give you more details.

Ernie was awfully fond of Rubber Duckeh.  He did make bath time lots of fun.  Ducketh was ready to sue before Ernie’s untimely, uh, disappearance. Boop boop e doo.

Ernie, I wouldn't push my luck if I were you . . .

Ernie, I wouldn’t push my luck if I were you . . .

Ernie stole Bert’s nose for the final time.  Bert is now a serial killer.  Word is that Ernie can now be found in pieces in Bert’s dresser drawer.

Kermit has questionable motives.

People tried to give Cookie Monster veggies, but he said heck with that and barfed on them.  Observe.

If you think about it, the Count is kind of attractive in a non-sparkly kind of way.  He got a job at a government agency.  One, two billions of dollars in debt!

This post brought to you by the number 666 and the letter eh.

We are all going to Hell.

How to Have a Perfect Interview

So you’ve turned in your impressive resume and someone has called you for an interview.  Seriously?  They called you?  Wow . . . uh, well, anyway, there are certain things you must know before you interview for a job.

First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview.  First impressions are key to snagging that job.  You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin!  No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job.  Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are.  Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money.  You won’t fail to make an impression!





So you’ve got the right look.  Now you’re ready for the interview.  Don’t be late, that looks bad.  Show up as early as possible, like the day before.  Do not break eye contact with your future interviewer until he invites you into his office (or has you escorted out).  Use a firm handshake (a few broken fingers shows you are serious).  After your interviewer has recovered, he – or possibly he and a committee of people if you’re lucky – will start asking you questions.  So that you can be prepared, here’s some sample questions and answers.

So if the interview's not going well, we will all hold up "X" signs.

So if the interview’s not going well, we will all hold up “X” signs.

Common Questions and Answers

Tell me something about you.

I’m the tallest midget in the world.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My greatest strength is my ability to sniff out evil.  My greatest weakness is Kryptonite.  Hey, what’s that paperweight made out of?

What was your last job?

Hit man.

What did you like least about your last job?

All that working stuff.  What a pain.  Also my boss was Satan.

Why should we hire you?

I kidnapped your cat.  (Show a picture for proof)

Um, you said "convicted" of a crime, right?

Um, you said “convicted” of a crime, right?

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Right where you’re sittin’, buddy.  (grin widely)

What are your goals?

I hope to one day fit an entire bag of red hots in my mouth.  Also, I would like to fly.  Without a plane.

What would be your ideal working environment?

A bathtub filled with Jello.

How would a friend describe you?

As a saint – why?  Did one of them say something?  Who was it? (crack knuckles)

What type of salary do you expect?

Eleventy billion dollars.  A day.  Or whatever Oprah makes.

Describe a problem you’ve had, and how you solved it.

I once had this dead body to dispose of, and I didn’t know where to put it.  So I just stuck him in the meat grinder.  You don’t eat at Taco Bell, do you?

What type of person would you feel most comfortable working with?

Myself.  Except when the voices start arguing.  That’s annoying.

Is there anyone you could not work with?

Anyone who watches Toddlers and Tiaras.  Also, Hobbits.  Their hairy feet freak me out.

Not an ideal coworker.

Just think – Honey Boo Boo has a job making more than you ever will!  Cheer up!

It is important to remember that interview questions are designed to test how well you react under pressure.   They are also designed for the amusement of managers.  The success of certain questions is measured in the amount of sweat around an applicant’s armpits.  But don’t worry.  Eventually you are going to get that job, because you have what it takes.  You’re determined, persistent, unavoidable.  And you have the manager’s cat.

 Hang in there! You’re sure to snag a thrilling job soon!

You're another mindless drone!  Yay!

You’re another mindless drone! Yay!

Job Search Fun!

Great news!  There's a new job open in the lab!

Great news! There’s a new job open in the lab!

Lots of people are out of work.  Or they’re in work, and they hate it.  So they’re looking for a job they hate slightly less.  Who do they go to for help?

Luckily for these peeps, I have a vast amount of experience in applying and interviewing for jobs, since I’ve applied and interviewed for TONS of jobs that I have never gotten.  So I’m an expert.  For all you poor saps who are also looking for a job, I thought I might provide some tips.

First off, if you’re applying for anything higher in status than your local McDonald’s you are going to need a resume.  What am I saying?  Probably McD requires them too – how else will you get into Burger University? (seriously, there is one!)

For the job applicant that just doesn't give a crap.

For the job applicant that just doesn’t give a crap.

But what’s a resume, you ask?  A resume is a way to “sell yourself” without actually taking off your clothes.  (Unless you’re applying for a prostitute position, though they usually aren’t quite so formal.)  You have to list your skills, education, and work experience.  You want this to look impressive, so be sure to leave out all those Fs you got in basket weaving, or the time you got fired for mooning your coworkers at Wal-Mart, or that pesky criminal record.  Here is an example:

I.P. Freely

Frank’s van

Butt Crack, Mississippi  111011!

Objective (this sounds important, but is just stating the obvious): To get a job so I can move out of     Frank’s van and hopefully Mississippi.

 Skills (Stuff you can do.  Use bullets – no, the kind on your keyboard, stupid)

  • Experience with multi-tasking (example: drinking while driving)
  • Ability to run really fast (especially when chased)
  • Expert license plate manufacturer and potato peeler

  Work Experience (places you showed up to at least once)

  Bob’s Bait Shop

Responsibilities: Reading comic books and playing with fish hooks.

  Monica’s Massage Parlor

Responsibilities: Massaging clients.  No – uh – just massage, that’s it, really.

  Fast Eddie’s Car Lot

Responsibilities: Repossessing cars from unknowing clients.

  Education (School – the place with all the desks)

Butt Crack High School and Juvenile Detention Center

Buford’s Burger Academy

Here's where you can get creative. The camera doodle is a nice touch.

Here’s where you can get creative. The camera doodle is a nice touch.

Okay, then, the next thing you’re going to need is references.  This requires you knowing important people, or at least pretending you do.  Considering how pathetic your resume is, you’d better come up with something good.  Here are some good examples:

Mother Teresa

–    Email:

Sure she’s technically dead, but can you GET a better recommendation?

Oprah Winfrey

–     Email:

Everybody loves her.  Can’t go wrong.  She might even buy you a car.

Queen Elizabeth II

–     Email:

She’s old and rich and lives in a castle.  ‘Nuff said.

Okay, you’ve got your resume and your references.  Now what?  Let’s say they are really impressed (or very desperate) and they call you for an interview.  What do you do?  Stay tuned for my next segment.  The interview: try not to blow this one.