Ways to Skin a Sim: 50 Shades Edition

Last time I asked what series, if any, you’d like me to continue.  The majority (of like 3) voted for Boppo torture.  I love you guys.  But as I was considering another way to kill a clown, I remembered that Speaker 7 had made a request.  She asked “Can you please do the same thing only with Sims versions of Christian Grey and Ana Steele?”  I thought it was a BRILLIANT idea.  So I did it.

Now it wouldn’t surprise me if many disturbed women have made their own Christians and Anas, so as to repeat the horror of that story over and over in Sim form.  I’m going to play with them a bit differently, however.  As in I’m going to beat the snot out of them, just as I wanted to sooo many times whilst reading those books.  Take this, James.

First off, I made our happy couple.  Since James gave so many details (as in almost none) it was pretty easy to create them.  Christian has mussy red hair, a gray tie, and long fingers.  Well I got the hair and the tie.  Score.  Next Ana has brown hair (just like crackwhore mom’s, awww) and is wearing the plum dress she borrowed from her friend several dozen times.  I think I’d want that dress back as much as I’d want Monica Lewinsky’s.

Next I had to build a house for the psychotic pair.  Just like James, I decided to make it as subtle and unassuming as possible.  Observe. (Click to enlarge)

Doesn't everyone have a helicopter in the front yard?

Doesn’t everyone have a helicopter in the front yard?

I figured Federal Fortress was right up their alley and added the helicopter pad for good old Charlie Tango (yes he named the helicopter).  You might wonder why I remember all these details from the book.  That’s only because they are repeated 5 BILLION TIMES.  James should really consider teaching the times tables or something.  The kids would never forget their math facts then. (1 buttplug plus 1 buttplug = red)

But what is Christian’s house without the Red Room (red room, red roooom?)  It’s almost normal, that’s what.  I couldn’t find whips and chains, because even Sims hasn’t gotten quite that deranged yet, so I had to make due with a trellis.  I figure Christian is creative enough to tie her up to that while also growing fresh strawberries, you know, “down there”.

You’ll notice a “toy chest” in the corner for all of Christian’s sex toys (buttplugs in every shape and size – I wish I was kidding) and a flying model of Charlie Tango that Ana gave Christipoo for his birthday.  Their bed is like something out of Martha Stewart!  And just for the hell of it, I added a spotlight and mirrors, because we’re talking Christian and Ana, and there’s nothing they’d like more.  Oh, yeah, and in the corner, there’s that roaster that took out poor Boppo.  Hmm.

Christian and Ana doing what they do best - each other.

Christian and Ana doing what they do best – each other.

You might even notice that Ana has on the matching underwear set that Christian’s bodyguard bought for her, because of course that’s what bodyguards do and OMG I will never get this crap out of my brain help meeeee.

I kept thinking something was missing, though, and then I knew.  Lilah!  Lilah, in case you didn’t read my amazing recaps (There’s only like a billion of them, what’s wrong with you?) is Christian’s crazy ex-girlfriend who unfortunately fails to successfully gun down Christian and Ana.  She’s still my favorite character so I made her a Sim.  Pretty easy – just take Ana and put her hair in braids.  Christian likes braids because MAKE IT STOP!

What’s so funny about the Sims is that you can never predict what they’re going to do.  As soon as I added Lilah to the family, she went right up to the Red Room and oblivious to Christian and Ana, started playing with the remote control Charlie Tango.

Yes, Lilah, I find the toy helicopter much more interesting as well.

Yes, Lilah, I find the toy helicopter much more interesting as well.

But here I haven’t gotten to the torturing part yet!  My apologies.  First up – morons on fire!

Zomg Christian is so HAWT!

Zomg Christian is so HAWT!

A twisted reader, Tammy, told me about something called the Tombstone of Death you could get through a cheat that allowed you to quickly kill Sims in every possible way.  I had to have it, of course, and made quick use of it.  Next up, Christian death by flies!

I like how manly he looks while the flies attack him.

I like how manly he looks while the flies attack him.  Jazz hands, Christian!

Boppo may get a post per death, but I really couldn’t wait with these two.   You can’t possibly understand how much you can hate fictional characters until you take a gander at these books.  Anyway next I had Christian get struck by lightning while peeing.  Karma anyone?

God is trying to tell you something, Christipoo.

God is trying to tell you something, Christipoo.

One thing I found funny was that after Christian turned to ash, Lilah cried for two seconds, then started plunging the toilet.  With Ana she didn’t even shed one tear, just scooped her up in the dust bin.  She might be nuts, but the girl is practical.

Ana gets some fun too, don’t worry.  While reading, how many times did I think – I wish a Satellite would fall out of the sky and she would burst into flames?  Lots.  Considering Christian failed to properly die in the Charlie Tango, I felt someone should die in a freak explosion.

BOOOOOOOOM!  Wheeeee!

BOOOOOOOOM! Wheeeee!

While that was immensely satisfying, I felt it wasn’t quite “Ana” enough.  First I tried death by disease, and it was pretty cool to see her choking (who didn’t want to choke her at least once?) but then I settled on death by starvation, since Ana only eats about 50 calories throughout all three books.

Sadly Christian asks for room service a little late as Ana, dramatically of course, dies.

Sadly Christian asks for room service a little late as Ana hams up her death.  Perfect.

That’s all I have.  Though I could have done this dozens more times, you get the picture.  Or pictures.  This is the best we can do until the fabulous movie comes out.  Good news, one actor was selected for Christian, got a whiff of the script, and ran screaming.  I’m thinking they should get Macauley Culkin.  He needs the work.  I’d say Hugo, but he has way too much class.

Will I watch the movie?  Of course I will.  And I’ll review it – eventually.  I still haven’t managed to get more than 15 minutes through Eclipse, though, so it might be a while. After reviewing the first two Twilight movies, I had to let my stomach rest.  Also, I had the Things to help me with those two reviews, and I’m pretty sure people might consider that child abuse. I know they did.  So next time I’ll be on my own.

Unless I get CRC.

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33 responses

  1. Brilliant. Jazz hands made me spurt coffee from my mouth, and then I stood up cheering as that dumb ass Ana finally met her demise. Nothing like some good torture to start your day out right. Thank you WT.

    1. You’re welcome. The jazz hands pic was my fav, I think.

  2. Oh, this was hysterical! And it makes me want Sims for Christmas that much more.

    1. Then you can make your own Christian and Ana – or something with a modicum of taste!

  3. I think Macauley Culkin would be a great Christian (not that I know any of what would make someone a good Christian, all I know about him it’s thanks to your recaps).
    Sims has evolved a lot since I first played.

    1. I hope he slaps his hands to his face and screams at some point in the movie.

  4. Brilliant. I can totally picture them doing that annoying “Sim wave” when they want you to release them from their misery.

    Almost makes me want to re-read the books. Oh wait…no.

    1. It’s entertaining to watch. Goodness knows I pictured it enough while reading.

  5. Yay! Sims torture! I giggled madly before even finishing the first cup of coffee!

    1. I’m so glad! I like being the source of giggles – wait of my posts being the source of giggles.

  6. I might never be able to take a leak again without looking up!!!!

    This is so messed up, which is why I love it!

    1. I did like how the lightning got him even in the house. No place is safe, Christipoo.

  7. Bahahaaa! I cheered through the whole thing. In the picture of Christian getting hit by lighting his pants are actually hanging off his hips ‘in that way’, ha! Who would have thought that mindless characters like Christian and Ana would provide so much entertainment?

    1. I think the Sims characters actually have more of a mind than the real ones.

  8. That is hilarious! I love the Sims and have created my own TV-based households just for S&Gs, but the idea to create that twisted household has never hit me. Oh, the fun I’ve been missing!

    1. If only there was a death by buttplug, it’d be perfect.

  9. Great!!! I love the idea with the lightning… can you include E.L. James too?

    1. Oh now THAT could be interesting.

  10. You once again demonstrate that you have more creativity in your left pinkie while comatose than James has at all. 1000ways to die meets 50 shades. Awesome.

  11. Death by lightening while pissing. Doesn’t get any better than that.

    1. We have to appreciate the little things in life.

      1. Sometimes it’s hard to do, but thankfully posts like this restore the focus to where it belongs. Death to all things EL James. Kill ALL 50 SHADES!!

        1. Wooot! I like how they can’t get anyone to agree to star in that stinker yet, haha.

          1. Anyone with even a sliver of dignity would turn that down.

  12. Thank you for a hearty laugh this morning! I’ve never read the 50 whatever, nor played SIMS – maybe I should crawl out from under my rock because it looks like such fun!

    1. Well, Sims is a lot of fun, though it can be a huge time waster. 50 Shades on the other hand – save your brain and read my recaps, or Speaker 7’s, or well, anything but the actual book . . .

  13. When in doubt (or dying horribly), jazz hands is always the way to go.
    Whether lost for words or getting sent down for 20 years, jazz hands always adds a touch of class!
    (This comment has been sponsored by the Jazz Hands Appreciation Society.)

  14. I’m now really wishing I had SIMS… However, I suspect I’d end up creating a convent of them, which wouldn’t be a good idea at all…

    Do you feel better now for doing this? I hope you do!

    1. That would be awesome – a Sims convent. Too bad they don’t have the habits. Actually it’s probably a good thing they don’t have the habits . . . In Sims Medieval you can be a priest, though.

      I feel much better now thanks.

      1. SIMS Medieval? How do they not have nuns & monks in that? It was a good way of getting rid of the ugly and/or stupid daughter you’d never marry off, to send her off to the convent!

  15. Damn, now I really gotta read the book…

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