How to Have a Perfect Interview

So you’ve turned in your impressive resume and someone has called you for an interview.  Seriously?  They called you?  Wow . . . uh, well, anyway, there are certain things you must know before you interview for a job.

First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview.  First impressions are key to snagging that job.  You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin!  No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job.  Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are.  Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money.  You won’t fail to make an impression!

BAD!

BAD!

GOOD

GOOD!

So you’ve got the right look.  Now you’re ready for the interview.  Don’t be late, that looks bad.  Show up as early as possible, like the day before.  Do not break eye contact with your future interviewer until he invites you into his office (or has you escorted out).  Use a firm handshake (a few broken fingers shows you are serious).  After your interviewer has recovered, he – or possibly he and a committee of people if you’re lucky – will start asking you questions.  So that you can be prepared, here’s some sample questions and answers.

So if the interview's not going well, we will all hold up "X" signs.

So if the interview’s not going well, we will all hold up “X” signs.

Common Questions and Answers

Tell me something about you.

I’m the tallest midget in the world.

What are your strengths and weaknesses?

My greatest strength is my ability to sniff out evil.  My greatest weakness is Kryptonite.  Hey, what’s that paperweight made out of?

What was your last job?

Hit man.

What did you like least about your last job?

All that working stuff.  What a pain.  Also my boss was Satan.

Why should we hire you?

I kidnapped your cat.  (Show a picture for proof)

Um, you said "convicted" of a crime, right?

Um, you said “convicted” of a crime, right?

Where do you see yourself five years from now?

Right where you’re sittin’, buddy.  (grin widely)

What are your goals?

I hope to one day fit an entire bag of red hots in my mouth.  Also, I would like to fly.  Without a plane.

What would be your ideal working environment?

A bathtub filled with Jello.

How would a friend describe you?

As a saint – why?  Did one of them say something?  Who was it? (crack knuckles)

What type of salary do you expect?

Eleventy billion dollars.  A day.  Or whatever Oprah makes.

Describe a problem you’ve had, and how you solved it.

I once had this dead body to dispose of, and I didn’t know where to put it.  So I just stuck him in the meat grinder.  You don’t eat at Taco Bell, do you?

What type of person would you feel most comfortable working with?

Myself.  Except when the voices start arguing.  That’s annoying.

Is there anyone you could not work with?

Anyone who watches Toddlers and Tiaras.  Also, Hobbits.  Their hairy feet freak me out.

Not an ideal coworker.

Just think – Honey Boo Boo has a job making more than you ever will!  Cheer up!

It is important to remember that interview questions are designed to test how well you react under pressure.   They are also designed for the amusement of managers.  The success of certain questions is measured in the amount of sweat around an applicant’s armpits.  But don’t worry.  Eventually you are going to get that job, because you have what it takes.  You’re determined, persistent, unavoidable.  And you have the manager’s cat.

 Hang in there! You’re sure to snag a thrilling job soon!

You're another mindless drone!  Yay!

You’re another mindless drone! Yay!

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32 responses

  1. I want a bathtub full of jello now…

    1. Me too! Work would be so much more fun.

      1. Indeed. Boingy! Boingy! Boingy!

  2. Thank god you have written these two posts, as a person looking for a job, I now know that I have been doing it all wrong,geez.
    I shall be changing to my 90’s clothes now and will let you know how I do!

    1. I do hear legwarmers are coming back in style. That might be okay.

  3. Well I’ve got an interview tomorrow and one on Monday so it’s a good job I’ve got all these great tips to help me now!

    Now where is the Disney Monopoly set . . . . ?

    ~ Amy

    1. Mickey Mouse bills are very sought after. Who has more money than that stupid mouse?

  4. Great! With this interview-technique you can get your dream job. That’s for shure. Shall I make some weird faces while talking or is that over the top?

    1. Weird faces show how expressive you are and are sure to impress your interviewers. You can also try shouting out random words every few minutes. Popcorn! Acid rain! Carpet!

  5. I’m ready for all the interviews, Alice! Present day clothes, check (I really thought the neon leg warmers could have made a statement). Monopoly money, check. Now only to plot a mastermind cat napping plan…

    1. Sometimes the idiots bring them to work because like anyone has cat allergies right? Pfft. Just be sure to bring a kennel with you in case.

  6. ‘What salary do you expect’.
    ‘Eleven billion dollars’.
    That is the most invaluable advice I have ever been given.

    1. I’ve always wondered what they expect you to say with this question. Oh, hey, no pay for me, I just want to bask in your glory!

  7. I am glad I have never had to have a real job interview before…. but if for some reason I should end up having one, I will print these out and stick them in my legwarmers for quick reference…

    1. Good idea. Leg warmers are perfectly okay as long as you get them in a classy houndstooth pattern.

      1. I’ll remember that… they’d look fabulous with my holey jeans…

        BTW, a heads up, I worked a good friend of ours into this week’s comic strip!

  8. I thought leggings and leg warmers were ok, that explains why I can’t get a job.
    On a “serious” note, I often wonder what all those Lady gaga .little monsters that express themselves, will do with their lives, I see plenty of gays here wearing what Olivia is wearing on that pic and looking for a job.
    I know the way you dress doesn’t define your character, but I’d be damned to hire one of them, and I’m gay. Maybe I’m a homophobic gay, or just a regular with a good sight.
    I should write a post about it, cuz I’ve received a few resumes and seen some of them walking in looking for a job.

    1. Oh, yes, I feel exactly the same way. We hire students, and you can bet if they come in with cut offs up to their butts (male or female), they’re going to be judged. Interviews are about first impressions. If you can’t dress up for a five minute interview, employers wonder what are you going to do every day at work? Save the expressing yourself until you have a secure job, dope!

  9. Dear Alice,
    I tried your advice but it didn’t go so well, I’m afraid. They especially got quite upset when I showed them the picture of the kidnapped cat. I think describing my previous job as “hit man” was the final straw and they reached for the phone.
    Regards,
    draliman
    (Please note my new mailing address: Cell 72, Block C, HM Prison Wandsworth)

    1. On the plus side, they always have plenty of jobs for you in prison. See: potato peeler and license plate manufacturer.

      1. Hmph. I knew I should have pursued that reference from the Queen. There’s nothing like having friends in high places to keep you out of the Big House, no matter how many cats you kidnap 🙂

  10. Well, I just hope that I stay in the order and don’t need to fall back on these hints and tips. I hate job hunting with a passion…

    1. I’m picturing a bunch of nuns trying to interview somewhere.

      1. If I were to leave the order, I wouldn’t be able to take the habit with me. Which is probably a good thing, thinking about it.

  11. You mean all I have to do is kidnap someone’s cat? A simple solution. Thank you so much for this tip!

    1. Just make sure it’s the interviewer’s cat you kidnap.

  12. This is particularly funny to me right now because we actually just went through this process at work to hire a new member for our team. We wrote up questions that we took turns asking, made these poor candidates show us they could actually do the shit they claimed to be able to… What a fucking waste of time. I had my mind made up as soon as the second one walked in the door and I decided I liked the way the first one had carried herself better.

    1. Ha! We’ve thought the same thing in interviews for student workers, but the university has a rule you have to interview three . . . and then come up for reasons for not hiring anyone whose application you look at. We often play blind when applications come our way.

      1. I think we’re supposed to, but they only listed it internally, the one woman had worked for someone in our department years ago and came highly recommended, and the other woman is a current faculty member who got rejected for tenure. Totally weird.

  13. The entire red hots bag in your mouth answer made me laugh out loud. FIrst I’ll try it and then whether success is achieved or not, I’ll still use it as an answer the next time I’m interviewed by anyone, most likely my Momma who grills me on a regular basis. I’ll credit you of course but if an older woman who calls you Hon starts to check in with you and ask about your life be wary. Once you make eye contact with her, it’s all over. The thrice daily phone calls will begin.

    1. Perhaps she should meet my mother. They could grill each other.

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