So you’ve turned in your impressive resume and someone has called you for an interview. Seriously? They called you? Wow . . . uh, well, anyway, there are certain things you must know before you interview for a job.
First off, anyone who told you that looks aren’t everything never had a job interview. First impressions are key to snagging that job. You don’t want to go into a job interview wearing something really stupid, like anything worn in the 80’s, or you’ll be judged before you can begin! No, you want something conservative, yet striking, something that says you are doing them a favor by applying at this measly little job. Try having money sticking out of every pocket to show how successful you are. Since you are obviously broke, you can either steal it (another career path right there!) or use monopoly money. You won’t fail to make an impression!
So you’ve got the right look. Now you’re ready for the interview. Don’t be late, that looks bad. Show up as early as possible, like the day before. Do not break eye contact with your future interviewer until he invites you into his office (or has you escorted out). Use a firm handshake (a few broken fingers shows you are serious). After your interviewer has recovered, he – or possibly he and a committee of people if you’re lucky – will start asking you questions. So that you can be prepared, here’s some sample questions and answers.
Common Questions and Answers
Tell me something about you.
I’m the tallest midget in the world.
What are your strengths and weaknesses?
My greatest strength is my ability to sniff out evil. My greatest weakness is Kryptonite. Hey, what’s that paperweight made out of?
What was your last job?
What did you like least about your last job?
All that working stuff. What a pain. Also my boss was Satan.
Why should we hire you?
I kidnapped your cat. (Show a picture for proof)
Where do you see yourself five years from now?
Right where you’re sittin’, buddy. (grin widely)
What are your goals?
I hope to one day fit an entire bag of red hots in my mouth. Also, I would like to fly. Without a plane.
What would be your ideal working environment?
A bathtub filled with Jello.
How would a friend describe you?
As a saint – why? Did one of them say something? Who was it? (crack knuckles)
What type of salary do you expect?
Eleventy billion dollars. A day. Or whatever Oprah makes.
Describe a problem you’ve had, and how you solved it.
I once had this dead body to dispose of, and I didn’t know where to put it. So I just stuck him in the meat grinder. You don’t eat at Taco Bell, do you?
What type of person would you feel most comfortable working with?
Myself. Except when the voices start arguing. That’s annoying.
Is there anyone you could not work with?
Anyone who watches Toddlers and Tiaras. Also, Hobbits. Their hairy feet freak me out.
It is important to remember that interview questions are designed to test how well you react under pressure. They are also designed for the amusement of managers. The success of certain questions is measured in the amount of sweat around an applicant’s armpits. But don’t worry. Eventually you are going to get that job, because you have what it takes. You’re determined, persistent, unavoidable. And you have the manager’s cat.
Hang in there! You’re sure to snag a thrilling job soon!