Last year I started a letter writing campaign to Santa. It devolved faster than your average comment section on MSN, resulting in blackmail, un-friending, multiple lawsuits, North Pole code violations, threats of nuclear devastation and kidnapped reindeer. It all turned out well because I got all those My Little Ponies I was never given as a child. Thanks, Santa! Considering I’m probably still on the naughty list, I figured I’d hit up a newer, better holiday joy bringer. Holiday Paul!
Who is Holiday Paul? Oh, man, I can’t believe you asked that. Merbear has a post about him on her blog. He’s like the elf on the shelf, but not creepy, because he’s a Beatle, you see. As in the band “The Beatles”, not the insect; don’t be ridiculous. You might be wondering why I would write holiday wishes to a former member of a band. Well now I’m telling you why! Christmas time is here again so Holiday Paul is coming to town. Listen up.
Holiday Paul was part of the Beatles and the Beatles were uber-famous and the first long haired freaky guys in the states! Their hair was like over their collars!
Holiday Paul is totally a knight, which is pretty cool.
Holiday Paul flies his Yellow Submarine on a magical mystery tour every year to deliver gifts of joy and joyness to children around the world! It’s a hard day’s night but someone has to do it.
Holiday Paul gets by with a little help from his friends – the elves who sang the background to Lennon’s “So This is Christmas” help him make the gifts. Oh, you thought that was a children’s choir? Silly people.
Holiday Paul has much better holiday songs than Santa, like “Let it Be” and “All You Need is Love” (he was just kiddin’ with that one) and “Help!” (possibly recorded when he was mobbed last year at Macy’s.)
Holiday Paul is freaking loaded.
I think those are great reasons (especially the last one) to write to Holiday Paul this Christmas. So without further ado, here is my letter:
Dear Holiday Paul
Alice here. I know you say you can’t buy me love, but I was thinking you could try anyway. My list is really simple this year. I want you to stop all the wars and the crime and the poverty and the Tea Partiers. This would truly bring us Peace on Earth. I know, it’s so unselfish of me, which is why I figure I can get away with asking for the next few items.
I want a million dollars. I don’t really care if they’re marked or not, as long as they are spendable. I’d also like a few more houses and here’s why. I need one that my nine-year-old can live in with the lions, tigers and bears you give her as pets for Christmas. Oh, and I’ll need a nanny to go with that. I’d also like another house for my husband. It could really just be an enormous shop with a bathroom in it. He’d be happy as a lark. My thirteen-year-old needs a house so that all that stuff she crams into her locker and backpack can spread out. And that would leave me with my house, where I can rest comfortably. Oh, yeah, we’ll need a maid for that also. I don’t care what size he comes in – medium is fine. I’d also like an Ear-Vac, just because.
I guess that’s all for now, Holiday Paul. Thanks ever so much.
P.S. Your version of “Twist and Shout” was totally the best.
Hey, have you guys got any wishes for Holiday Paul? If so, feel free to write your own letters in a post linking back to Merbear, who first let me know the beauty of Holiday Paul! I think it would make Holiday Paul and Merbear very happy. Otherwise, just write down your wishes in the comments, and we’ll see if we can get to them. Hint: Letters are way better.