Ah, Santa Claus. He’s a hoot because he gives you a chance to lie to your kids and get away with it. It’s for a greater cause, of course – getting the little punks to behave lest they lose any of their much wanted merchandise. Recently, Santa has gotten lazy, though, and enlisted the help of the elf on the shelf. This little freak narcs on kids to Santa for an entire flipping month. He’s so creepy. That . . . that grin. And he keeps moving around. You never know where he’ll be. Some elves even stage elaborate pranks. This scares the heck out of me, and I’m not even a small child.
Get thee behind me, elf.
Why do you need an elf anyway? Isn’t Santa scary enough? Oh, sure, Coca Cola painted him as a fat old jolly fellow in a red suit, but they also made polar bears look adorable, and those things can rip your face off. All you have to do is listen to songs about Santa to make you start questioning this kind little fairy tale we all tell to our kids. Well, most of us think it’s a fairy tale. Fox News had four commentators on – there’s actual video – discussing Santa’s ethnicity. In case you were wondering, he’s white. According to Megyn, Fox News Host, that’s a “verifiable fact.” Also in discussion was Jesus who naturally was also white. So I guess that explains why some minority children get crappy gifts. Anyway, some people believe in Jesus and others don’t, but I’m pretty sure most people over eight or so realize Santa is imaginary. And thank goodness for that. Here’s just three songs that point out why I find Santa kind of scary, and you should too. But first, check out the scariness of Fox News.
Exhibit A: Santa Claus is coming to town
This has to be the worst one of the bunch. Just for kicks, try replacing “Santa Claus” with “Serial Killer”.
You better watch out, better not cry
Better not pout I’m telling you why
Serial killer is coming to town.
See? Happy, happy! Note that you can also replace “Santa Claus” with “Christian Grey” and get the same effect. These next lines, slightly edited by yours truly, show that Santa is really not to be trusted.
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows what your address is man
So lock your door for goodness sakes
Elf on the shelf really can’t come close to that kind of terrifying wackiness. I don’t even think he has a song unless you count “Somebody’s watching me” or “Every Breath You Take”.
Just think of this comin’ down your chimney.
Exhibit B: Up on the House Top
This one’s just really, really odd. I had to look up the lyrics because they didn’t make sense and they still don’t make sense.
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go
Ho, ho, ho, who wouldn’t go
up on the house top click, click, click,
down through the chimney with good St. Nick.
Well, I wouldn’t go up on the housetop and I’m not so sure we should be encouraging children to do this either. Hey, there’s some weirdo on the roof, Willy, why don’t you go check that out? Don’t worry, honey, you can slide down the chimney to get back down! Then you can open your stocking and see what totally appropriate toys Santa got you!
Next comes the stocking of little Will
Oh, just see what a glorious fill
Here is a hammer and lots of tacks
Also a ball and a whip that cracks
Holy crap. I’m thinking this is just asking for a trip to the ER and multiple lawsuits here. Little Nell better hide her dolly unless she wants her brother to hammer some tacks in her. Or use his whip. I can’t believe whips weren’t on the top toys list for Toys R Us this year. Ah, the good old days when you could give your kids fun stuff like whips, hammers, and lawn darts.
The next song really confuses the heck out of me, but it does lend credence to the theory, sported by my then four-year-old daughter Thing One, that Santa works for God. Something like middle management, I guess.
Hey, Santa, God here – go deliver some presents. Try to mention the kid, okay?
Exhibit C: Here Comes Santa Claus
Hang your stockings and say your prayers
Cause Santa Claus comes tonight!
Why do we need prayers? Are these prayers that Santa is okay, or prayers that Santa leaves our house untouched?
Santa Claus knows we’re all God’s children
That makes everything right
We are? All of us? What about the kids who are other religions? Do they not count? I thought Santa was Pagan. When did he convert? I’m really confused here. Maybe Fox News could explain this to me a little better.
So let’s give thanks to the Lord above
That Santa Claus comes tonight
We’re thanking God for Santa Claus? So then – God created Santa? But wait, if Santa’s not real, then is this song lying about God? I mean, talk about a way to mess with a child’s mind there. Or does Santa just hire out maybe? Like he works for Pagans sometimes, and Christians sometimes, and Muslims sometimes, but this particular song writer just assumes that Santa is Christian? If this isn’t a Fox News Christmas Song, I don’t know what is, you guys. Let’s thank baby Jesus for sending us white Santa Claus who stalked us and snuck in our houses and gave us weapons, la la la la la! Yay!
aliceatwonderland 
Every time I hear “Let’s give thanks to the lord above that Santa Claus comes to town” it baffles me. Santa and God should not be in the same song, especially if you’re going to be telling your kids that one of them doesn’t exist. Love the lyric change to Santa Claus is Coming to Town, but I usually love all your lyric changes 😛
Thank you! I have fun, but I think most people could make up lyrics that make more sense than the real ones. I guess you could tell your kids the difference is that you never see Santa so he’s not real and Jesus you . . . wait.
heres my song. up on the housetop with no toys, coming to kill our girls and boys. ho ho ho, who would know ho ho ho, who would know. up on the houstop with lots of knives, hope you locked your windows tight! thanks for the cool song lyrics lol i like the serial killer an lock ur doors one lol
Wow, I never realized that both Santa and God were in a Christmas song together. I would totally buy the CD if they did a duet.
So like Morgan Freeman and Santa together? Cool!
Um..yeah. Sure. 😀
Actually I like the Monty Python God the best. Get On With It!
Never seen it but sounds good.
I never knew the rest of the verses to Up On The Housetop because the only version of that song they ever play at Mecca was done by The Jackson Five and they make up their own lyrics, so I only find out what Tito and Jermaine and all of them are getting for Christmas. I think Latoya got the whip….
Tito probably asked for a new name, I’m guessing?
Naw, Tito has no imagination. He just wanted a guitar that didn’t play out of key…. or maybe a father who’d let his family live a normal life. I can’t remember…
No kidding. Hey, for Xmas, can we get let out of our contract, Dad?
That Fox thing is scary, especially the woman who was speaking at the beginning. As if she’s the expert on what’s racist or not. A ‘verifiable fact.’ Ha, who’s she kidding?!
Love that we both posted about creepy holiday themes today. Thanks to these Christmas lyrics posts you’ve been doing, I’ve been listening to Christmas songs with a whole new ear!
With the Fox thing, I’m really shaking my head. I mean, I realize we’re talking about Fox here, but when I first heard it I thought surely it was fake. Someone talking about how Santa is white? Nope. They really are just that stupid.
Assuming that Santa and Jesus are white as if it’s not even debatable seems pretty racist to me. How can she not see that? Especially considering where Jesus came from. I highly doubt he had lightly pigmented skin.
Yeah, I’m thinking a Middle Eastern Jew would not be snowy white. But Santa is even weirder – he doesn’t exist, how can she decide what color he is? WTF? Like, sorry children of other races, no toys for you!
She needs a lump of coal. STAT.
She’d probably try to eat it.
Maybe that was the reason that in our area not Santa Claus brought the gifts but the Christ child. I liked it more, because the Santa (our ole neighbor) looked like your Santa in the picture :o)
Haha. I will have to put up a pic of the nativity scene on my mantel. The girls stuck in Santa made out a beer bottle. He’s towering over the scene.
I don’t get the whole Elf on a Shelf thing. I’ve already got one creepy looking toy lurking in my home (Yes, this is a cheap plug to head to my blog and check out the adventures of the Fear Boger).
I have a soft spot for Here Comes Santa Claus, because I used to pick up my cat Chuck and run around with him singing “Here Comes Chucky Cat.” He wasn’t especially fond of the experience.
I bet he became UpChucky Cat after a while. I have not seen the Fear Boger! I must respond to your shameless plug as others respond to mine! 😀
Fortunately, we avoided any vomiting incidents.
He sees you when you’re sleeping
He knows when you’re awake
He knows what your address is man
So lock your door for goodness sakes
That’s a sorta Freddy Krueger Santa.
The parents of a friend are part of a cult, she’s from Iowa or one of the states with an I.
They would tell her horror stories about Santa, “it’s the devil’s work”.
She was kicked out of her house when she was 14, she wanted to have a boyfriend outside of their community.
Why am I telling you a story?
I’m bored, sorry.
hahahahaha Jesus was a white man too, white from the middle east, blonde and blue eyes like all angels.
Have you seen black angels? what about asian? Latino?
No, and that’s because they are not part of god’s plan.
I loved this post Alice.
Thanks! Yeah I love how even imaginary creations have to be white. Like maybe my Santa is part Black, part Asian, and gay. Deal. And Jesus – facepalm. These Fox news people are too stupid to be real. I think they’re imaginary. Oh and thanks for the reblog!
Reblogged this on Doggy's Style.
That clip on Fox kills me. First, they’re all like, “Jesus is white. Those are the facts.” Jesus was Jewish….
Then they’re like, “Santa is white. End of story.” THE DUDE DOESN’T EXIST!!! Ugh… Who believes this shit?
I don’t know. It frightens me that there are people who ONLY watch this for their news. You know it’s bad when something is unbelievable even for Fox.
But, but…fair and balanced!
Fair and balanced stupidity!
Yeah, well, I now know Jesus is white. And so is a fictional character. Thanks, Faux News!
are you saying Santa doesn’t ….omg!
Oops, spilled the beans. Don’t tell Megyn, though. I’d hate to burst her brain over the news.
lips are sealed….we will keep this on the down-low doggie.
Santa Stalker is coming to town….bwahaha. I have never heard of the elf until this year. That is messed up.
Omg at that video. What a bunch of morons talking to hear their own voices.
The scary thing is that these people reproduce. Pray to white Santa, darlings!
And as J. Stewart suggested about the nuttiness over at Fox, how do you even comment on the position that you just can’t take facts and change them for your own convenience?
It’s hard to argue people who live in a world of their own making, that’s for sure. They make it so easy for Stewart – they’re the jokes themselves.
I like the way they speak so confidently and ardently about Santa’s “whiteness” because that is news and really important and holy fucking christ is that for real?
I would have sworn it was the Onion if I hadn’t watched the video myself. They were off the deep end already and now they are somewhere far, far past that.
Your versions crack me up. But I won’t share them with my kids 🙂
Probably best if they’re very young. My kids thought they were hilarious but then – they’re my kids. That probably says something.
[…] the past I’ve done posts about my love of Christmas songs. There was Scary Santa Songs and another about the wacky song “Do you hear what I hear?”. I got an irate reader […]