How NOT to be an annoying parent

Ah, good, you’re thinking.  Now Alice is going to tell us how to parent, just like she told us what to name our children. In my defense, I wouldn’t have to tell people what to name their children if they didn’t decide to name them stupid stuff like North West.  And I wouldn’t have to gripe about parenting, if there weren’t also annoying parents.

You can find annoying parents everywhere.  STFU parents is a blog devoted purely to parental overshare on Facebook – and on that venue alone she’s gotten years worth of hilarious and / or painful Facebook posts.  I am not surprised.  Now I’m going to shock you here, but I am not Betty Crocker Reed.  I rarely cook and rarely clean that well because I decided to take that class where you raise the egg babies over homemaking.  My egg baby, though, was the best egg in the class.

My awesome parenting skills were obvious from an early age.

My awesome parenting skills were obvious from an early age.

But on to the annoying parents.  Try not to be one of these, at least not too much.

1. Psychopathic Political Parents

It’s one thing to let your kids know your political views.  It’s another to tell them you’re going to lose your job because someone got elected.  For one thing, unless you’re working in the President’s cabinet of the opposite party, you’re not going to lose your job because of an election, at least not in the immediate future.  And second, and most important, wtf with worrying your child about your job status?  It’s not healthy.  If you do not like President Obama, fine, but at least stick to actual facts when you gripe.  No, he was not born in Kenya.  No, he is not a terrorist.  Even my 13-year-old knew enough to fact check on that stuff a few years ago, and guess what?  She figured out it was mostly B.S.

Obama is hiding under your beds, kids.

Obama is hiding under your beds, kids.

But the very worst of these are the parents who talk gleefully about wanting to harm the President of the United States in front of their young children.  I think there’s just something wrong with this.  I’m not sure if it’s merely the parents constantly shrieking about Obama this or that, or if they simply plop the kids in front of Fox News for babysitting, but it really is unreal what kids pick up.  I know because my daughters tell me, and just so you know rabid conservative parents in my area, you’ve about created two more lib’rals simply because you are acting like freaked out maniacs. Your children absorb this and spew your hatred.  It’s not pretty, especially from nine-year-olds.  Although this little reported exchange had me rolling:

Kid: I want to punch Obama in the face!

Thing Two: Hello?  FBI Calling.

I love my kids.

2. Parents who buy expensive personal electronics for young children.

Thing One told me a friend got an Iphone 5 for Christmas.  That’s right.  A 500 dollar freaking phone, and that’s before you add in the service, for a kid whose brain has not completely developed.  But at least that kid is 13.  When Thing Two was in second grade, most of her classmates already had phones.  And they were all better than mine.  I wish I was kidding.  Seriously, parents.  What kind of social life does your seven-year-old have that she must have a phone at all times?  Or an I-Pad.  We’re talking hundreds of dollars here, and you’re trusting it to a kid who picks his nose and thinks the word “underwear” is hilarious.

I got my kids dolls and I wouldn’t trade a second of listening to them make up bizarre stories with them.  Most of these stories are somewhat violent, as some doll is always losing a limb, but they certainly have fun.  For the price of the dolls, I could have bought a much-cheaper-than-an-Iphone phone or a tablet. But I figure they have the rest of their lives to stare at computer screens.  Making Barbies advertise Ken as “boyfriend in a box” is priceless.

Some of the Things' dolls after an apparent all-night bender.

Some of the Things’ dolls after an apparent all-night bender.

3. Parents who brag about how much OR how little they give their kids.

Are our kids spoiled?  Yes, indeedy.  I just said that while I think spending ludicrous amounts of money on what I consider adult “toys” is crazy, I do give my kids lots of dolls.  I like dolls and I’m much more socially acceptable when I buy them for my kids.  But there are some people who go on about how much they give their kids and it’s a bit nauseating.  If kids get computers, phones, game systems, the fad shoes, and on and on now, they are going to be really disappointed when they’re on their own and can’t afford crap.

On the other hand, it’s also annoying to hear parents say “WE didn’t give junior those awful plastic toys made in China.  Junior got a block of wood marked three prices that stimulates imaginary play, plus it’s totally organic!”  Or the equally smug, “We donated to a charity in their name!”  I’m sure the kid was thrilled with this.  Don’t get me wrong, I think charity is important, but seriously no gifts at all?  That’s crap.  I wouldn’t put up with that.  How about giving something to charity, giving some gifts your kid actually wants even if it is a dreaded plastic, and a trying out a little something called moderation?

The possibilities of this toy are endless!

The possibilities of this toy are endless!

I’ve got more, but I’ve already given you what in my mind are some of the most annoying parenting types.  Do you have any to add?  Also, can I borrow your kid’s phone?

28 responses

  1. STFU Parents makes me feel better about myself every day.

    The way it’s going now, I will happily give you the kid’s phone. Teens are fun… Grrr.

    1. So far, my 13-year-old is pretty sweet. But she thinks she can somehow just ignore puberty and it will go away . . .

  2. That was GREAT! And oh so true… 🙂

    1. It really does surprise me what people say in front of their kids. Children shouldn’t be upset about an election they really know nothing about. It’s nuts.

      1. Agreed. Can we let our kids be kids and not actually TEACH them to be mean-spirited morons? Some of them might come by those traits naturally, I suppose… 😉

  3. Man, that looked like one hell of a party….is that a horse on the roof?

    1. Yup. Bonus points to whoever can name the other toys in the house par-tay.

  4. Oh, I hate it when people brag about what they give their kids and what their kids have. There’s no reason for little kids to have their own iPhones, that’s just ridiculous.

    1. Unless the kid is a child movie star and has an agent, yeah, I agree.

  5. STFU Parents can be funny, but sometimes I feel they get a little TOO haterish, as if they feel that parents shouldn’t derive any joy from their children, and if they have to, please don’t share it with the rest of the world.

    1. I think it’s more a matter of the degree of sharing. For instance, if we were facebook pals – er you were fb pals with Squirrelle Nutkin that is – and you posted about the Cutlet going poop in the potty the first time, I’d be thrilled for you. If you post it in a thread where someone is talking about a death in the family, that’s not so cool. If you post a PICTURE of the poop, that is really, really disturbing.

      On the other hand, on a recent post with a wall of gifts, I think some parents in the comments went a little sanctimonious in the other direction, talking about how they don’t give their kids cheap plastic junk but give them “moments” or “one quality item” or “a donation to charity in their name.” (Which is how I got part 3) Oh, come on. Let them have a few plastic toys. Won’t kill them.

      1. Yeah, some parents obviously go to far, but I think some haters do as well. BTW, if you want, I’ll totally start posting poop pictures. (Note: I won’t actually do this.)

  6. Do you hear that sound? That’s me applauding your number one. Thank you! We discuss politics in our home a lot, but I try to maintain neutrality as best I can around my kids as well as differentiate the act from the person. I doubt I always succeed–far-from it–but what I want to avoid is my kid going to school and spouting my political views to his class during their current event discussions. He’s come home and told me what some of the kids have said regarding politics, and I widen my eyes in surprise (and embarrassment for the parents whose views those obviously are!) Always be careful when little ears are around. We think we’re white noise to them, but sometimes we’re not… 🙂

    1. Oh, I know. My kids are freaking sponges. And they really do get disturbed by the amount of hatred flung at the president by their peers. I tried the neutrality thing, but yeah, my views come out pretty often. But I do try not to overly trash the other party in front of them. I point out that not all conservatives are that crazy. And I certainly would never have advocated for the death of President Bushes . . . holy crap.

  7. The Little Prince has a phone…
    Wipe that shocked look off your face. All the cool kids have phones. Why shouldn’t the Little Prince?
    Oh, it’s not a real phone, it’s a teether. He loves that thing. Nothing feels better on his sore gums and new teeth than munching away on a piece of rubber shape like an iPhone.

    1. Watch out, or he’ll teeth on your real phone. Thing One really loved her Dad’s watch. And his keys. Nasty! Ugh.

      1. Oh, he started with our real phones, that’s why he got the fake one. So far the drool hasn’t messed up any of the electronics, and the screens still work despite the tooth marks.

        1. Haha! I still have Thing One’s chewed up Bible from her first Bible class! It actually makes you go “aw” later on. But be careful – they aren’t fooled by the fakes for long!

          1. He isn’t fooled by the fake. Most of the time he just tosses it aside and reaches for the real thing. But, sometimes he shoves it in his mouth and goes to town.

          2. They really are like puppies. I considered getting the Things some dog toys that were cheaper . . .

          3. The Prince’s toys and the cat’s toys have become interchangeable. They both play with each others… It’s kind of gross. But, enh, everything goes in his mouth anyway so what’s the difference.

  8. Stupid people breed. This upsets me.

  9. I haven’t seen the site you referenced, but I’m afraid to look. Parents get told how shitty they are on a regular basis – no wonder they spend so much time overcompensating with stuff. Too much, too little, not the right stuff. And we buy into the media/culture frenzy as much as anyone else, so I’m hesitate to point the finger at the “bad ones”. Most of the parents I know (and I don’t use Facebook) work hard at being parents, at teaching their kids to be decent humans and on occasion, they will buy them stuff. But like most things, the creepiest among us get the attention.

    1. Oh, I’ve certainly been told I was shitty for stuff I’ve done or not done with my kids. Mostly by people like the ones at STFU parents – the sanctimonious especially. But it certainly isn’t for everyone. And this is just my opinion, of course.

  10. I have very little experience with the numbered categories of parents, but I am a little ticked off by oversharers. Some of them just keep posting and posting and posting and posting and posting and posting and posting and posting, and I’m like, “Ok, geez, you have a kid, FINE, I GET IT!”

  11. That block of wood looks like a great toy! Obviously it needs whittling so I assume it comes with a huge whittling knife?
    I’m sure the ten-year-old is thrilled with it right up until they inadvertently chop their own leg off. Then it’s all “what an unsuitable gift for a child”. Some people are never happy.

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