Ah, good, you’re thinking. Now Alice is going to tell us how to parent, just like she told us what to name our children. In my defense, I wouldn’t have to tell people what to name their children if they didn’t decide to name them stupid stuff like North West. And I wouldn’t have to gripe about parenting, if there weren’t also annoying parents.
You can find annoying parents everywhere. STFU parents is a blog devoted purely to parental overshare on Facebook – and on that venue alone she’s gotten years worth of hilarious and / or painful Facebook posts. I am not surprised. Now I’m going to shock you here, but I am not Betty Crocker Reed. I rarely cook and rarely clean that well because I decided to take that class where you raise the egg babies over homemaking. My egg baby, though, was the best egg in the class.
But on to the annoying parents. Try not to be one of these, at least not too much.
1. Psychopathic Political Parents
It’s one thing to let your kids know your political views. It’s another to tell them you’re going to lose your job because someone got elected. For one thing, unless you’re working in the President’s cabinet of the opposite party, you’re not going to lose your job because of an election, at least not in the immediate future. And second, and most important, wtf with worrying your child about your job status? It’s not healthy. If you do not like President Obama, fine, but at least stick to actual facts when you gripe. No, he was not born in Kenya. No, he is not a terrorist. Even my 13-year-old knew enough to fact check on that stuff a few years ago, and guess what? She figured out it was mostly B.S.
But the very worst of these are the parents who talk gleefully about wanting to harm the President of the United States in front of their young children. I think there’s just something wrong with this. I’m not sure if it’s merely the parents constantly shrieking about Obama this or that, or if they simply plop the kids in front of Fox News for babysitting, but it really is unreal what kids pick up. I know because my daughters tell me, and just so you know rabid conservative parents in my area, you’ve about created two more lib’rals simply because you are acting like freaked out maniacs. Your children absorb this and spew your hatred. It’s not pretty, especially from nine-year-olds. Although this little reported exchange had me rolling:
Kid: I want to punch Obama in the face!
Thing Two: Hello? FBI Calling.
I love my kids.
2. Parents who buy expensive personal electronics for young children.
Thing One told me a friend got an Iphone 5 for Christmas. That’s right. A 500 dollar freaking phone, and that’s before you add in the service, for a kid whose brain has not completely developed. But at least that kid is 13. When Thing Two was in second grade, most of her classmates already had phones. And they were all better than mine. I wish I was kidding. Seriously, parents. What kind of social life does your seven-year-old have that she must have a phone at all times? Or an I-Pad. We’re talking hundreds of dollars here, and you’re trusting it to a kid who picks his nose and thinks the word “underwear” is hilarious.
I got my kids dolls and I wouldn’t trade a second of listening to them make up bizarre stories with them. Most of these stories are somewhat violent, as some doll is always losing a limb, but they certainly have fun. For the price of the dolls, I could have bought a much-cheaper-than-an-Iphone phone or a tablet. But I figure they have the rest of their lives to stare at computer screens. Making Barbies advertise Ken as “boyfriend in a box” is priceless.
3. Parents who brag about how much OR how little they give their kids.
Are our kids spoiled? Yes, indeedy. I just said that while I think spending ludicrous amounts of money on what I consider adult “toys” is crazy, I do give my kids lots of dolls. I like dolls and I’m much more socially acceptable when I buy them for my kids. But there are some people who go on about how much they give their kids and it’s a bit nauseating. If kids get computers, phones, game systems, the fad shoes, and on and on now, they are going to be really disappointed when they’re on their own and can’t afford crap.
On the other hand, it’s also annoying to hear parents say “WE didn’t give junior those awful plastic toys made in China. Junior got a block of wood marked three prices that stimulates imaginary play, plus it’s totally organic!” Or the equally smug, “We donated to a charity in their name!” I’m sure the kid was thrilled with this. Don’t get me wrong, I think charity is important, but seriously no gifts at all? That’s crap. I wouldn’t put up with that. How about giving something to charity, giving some gifts your kid actually wants even if it is a dreaded plastic, and a trying out a little something called moderation?
I’ve got more, but I’ve already given you what in my mind are some of the most annoying parenting types. Do you have any to add? Also, can I borrow your kid’s phone?