I’ve been doing a series in which I
rip apart showcase different fairy tales. The Things and I were thinking about Rapunzel the other day, specifically the many different versions, and how all are totally whack. Of course, I can’t really blame the witch. She’s just trying to protect her teenage stolen daughter. Who doesn’t want to just lock their kids up in a tower till they’re 21 or so? I figure if you put in an Xbox, an mp3 player, a cell phone, a computer tablet, and a large supply of Nachos, they’d be good up there alone for years.
And then it hit me. I wonder what our fairy tale characters would do if they had access to cell phones? Let’s look and see.
Rapunzel: OMG I have been like grounded for six years!
Snow White: What’d you do?
Rapunzel: Grew boobs. My mom is SO MEAN. I never get to go anywhere!
Cinderella: At least she doesn’t make you do chores all the time like my stepmom.
Belle: My dad got me imprisoned by a real beast. Ugh, boys.
Miller’s Daughter: My dad got me stuck spinning straw into gold or like I was dead!
Snow White: Aw, it wasn’t so bad. That short dude helped you out.
Miller’s Daughter: Oh, yeah, like I totally have to guess his name now. Anyone know?
Cinderella: Wait, WTF is YOUR name?
Miller’s Daughter: Um . . .
Snow White: My stepmom tried to murder me. Twice.
Cinderella: Okay, you win.
Ariel: My mom’s dead.
Cinderella: Jeez, Ariel, you’re like, such a downer.
Ariel: I talk to fish.
Snow White: Wait, Rapunzel why did you friend her?
Rapunzel: I think we’re forgetting the important thing here. Me.
Sleeping Beauty: Yawn. Did I miss something?
Snow White: Uh, duh, Aurora. Stay awake.
Sleeping Beauty: Just a few more minutes . . .
Rapunzel: It is like, SO boring in this tower. I wish someone would come over.
Belle: Couldn’t you like just cut your hair and climb down it?
Rapunzel: You think you’re so smart. Your boyfriend has major body hair issues.
Belle: At least I have one.
Cinderella: Ooh, snap.
Rapunzel: It took me like 500 hours to shampoo and style my hair. I am NOT cutting it.
Cinderella: Ooh Gus just texted me – the ball’s about to start.
Snow White: Mice text you?
Rapunzel: Doesn’t anybody care?
Ariel: I want to be part of your worllllld.
Rapunzel: Hey I don’t remember friending you. Go bother some fish.
Charming: Hey, baby. I can come over if you want.
Rapunzel: Oh, yes!
Snow White: Hey, you’re MY boyfriend
Cinderella: Uh, no, he’s MY boyfriend
Sleeping Beauty: What? Like, no, he’s my boyfriend . . .
Cinderella: You girls are DREAMING. He’s mine.
Charming: Oh oh.