FTT: Fairy Tale Texting

I’ve been doing a series in which I rip apart showcase different fairy tales.  The Things and I were thinking about Rapunzel the other day, specifically the many different versions, and how all are totally whack. Of course, I can’t really blame the witch.  She’s just trying to protect her teenage stolen daughter.  Who doesn’t want to just lock their kids up in a tower till they’re 21 or so?  I figure if you put in an Xbox, an mp3 player, a cell phone, a computer tablet, and a large supply of Nachos, they’d be good up there alone for years.

I wish I had an Xbox . . .

I wish I had an Xbox . . .

And then it hit me.  I wonder what our fairy tale characters would do if they had access to cell phones?  Let’s look and see.

Only a sparkly, blingy phone will DO.

Only a sparkly, blingy phone will DO.

Rapunzel: OMG I have been like grounded for six years!

Snow White: What’d you do?

Rapunzel: Grew boobs.  My mom is SO MEAN.  I never get to go anywhere!

Cinderella: At least she doesn’t make you do chores all the time like my stepmom.

Belle: My dad got me imprisoned by a real beast.  Ugh, boys.

Miller’s Daughter: My dad got me stuck spinning straw into gold or like I was dead!

Snow White: Aw, it wasn’t so bad.  That short dude helped you out.

Miller’s Daughter: Oh, yeah, like I totally have to guess his name now.  Anyone know?

Cinderella: Wait, WTF is YOUR name?

Miller’s Daughter: Um . . .

Snow White: My stepmom tried to murder me.  Twice.

Cinderella: Okay, you win.

Ariel: My mom’s dead.

Cinderella: Jeez, Ariel, you’re like, such a downer.

Ariel: I talk to fish.

Snow White: Wait, Rapunzel why did you friend her?

Rapunzel: I think we’re forgetting the important thing here. Me.

Sleeping Beauty: Yawn.  Did I miss something?

Snow White: Uh, duh, Aurora.  Stay awake.

Sleeping Beauty: Just a few more minutes . . .

Rapunzel: It is like, SO boring in this tower. I wish someone would come over.

Belle: Couldn’t you like just cut your hair and climb down it?

Rapunzel: You think you’re so smart.  Your boyfriend has major body hair issues.

Belle: At least I have one.

Cinderella:  Ooh, snap.

Rapunzel: It took me like 500 hours to shampoo and style my hair.  I am NOT cutting it.

Cinderella: Ooh Gus just texted me – the ball’s about to start.

Snow White: Mice text you?

Rapunzel: Doesn’t anybody care?

Ariel: I want to be part of your worllllld.

Rapunzel: Hey I don’t remember friending you.  Go bother some fish.

Charming: Hey, baby.  I can come over if you want.

Rapunzel: Oh, yes!

Snow White: Hey, you’re MY boyfriend

Cinderella: Uh, no, he’s MY boyfriend

Sleeping Beauty: What?  Like, no, he’s my boyfriend . . .

Cinderella: You girls are DREAMING. He’s mine.

Charming: Oh oh.

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24 responses

  1. OMG, totes adorbs!

    (my fingers tried to rebel and keep me from typing that)

    1. I’ll try to imagine it in James Earl Jones’s voice.

      1. Or Malcolm McDowell, though I still think of his “Clockwork Orange” character no matter what he does.

  2. I’m not sure if Charming will survive :o)

    1. He’d better hope he has a fast horse.

  3. I’mma let you finish, Charming, but Li Shang is the sexiest Disney character of all time.

    1. Haha! True. I mean, Charming was so bo-ring.

  4. Prince Charming must be wearing some Action Pants™.

    1. Clearly! With a patented Snack Pack. In conservative colors.

      1. Well, what other colors are there??

        1. There’s flashy and sparkly. Come to think of it, he might be bigger on the sparkly.

  5. I lost it at…I talk to fish. Love this post. LOL

    1. Thanks! It was fun to write.

  6. Bahahaha! This was so good.
    Charming is in for some real royal hiney kicking.

    1. Yeah, he kinda misplayed his hand there . . .

  7. OMG, that was totes hilarious. 😉

  8. Not sure if I should laugh or throw up in my mouth a little…

  9. I was amazed that everyone wrote in complete sentence, with no spelling or grammar errors, and with minimum number of common contractions. But then I realized that it’s a fairy tale.

  10. Grounded for growing boobs LMAO!

  11. I, like, am so loving this! I totes could picture what these girls would be doing. OMG I wanna be your BFF.

  12. Now I want to see their Selfies!!

  13. Brilliant!

    In the original Rapunzel, she didn’t let on about the Prince by complaining about the Witch tugging on her hair, but by complaining that she’d gotten fat around the middle. Clearly the Prince wasn’t only interested in talking…

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