Alice Watches TLC

Reality T.V.  Just the name conquers up images of high-quality programming, doesn’t it?  Haha.  Of course it doesn’t.  Reality TV is sort of like the Sarah Palins and Anthony Weiners of the political world.  I mean, most of TV is pretty stupid and corrupt, but there are some shows much worse than others.  And if you want to see the very worst of the very worst, look no further than TLC.

These letters should really be WTF.

These letters should really be WTF.

Since I consider myself highly sophisticated, you can often find the last channel I watched was TLC.  That stands for “The Learning Channel” but really all you learn about is just how low humanity can go.  If there is ever a 50 Shades reality show (yes, I know, I shouldn’t be giving this woman ideas), it will be on this station.  I haven’t found it yet, but I’ve gotten pretty close.

Most people have heard of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” but TLC has “My Teen is Pregnant and So Am I”.  Take that, MTV.  Why have just one irresponsible person when you can have two!  Or how about an entire family?  Try “Here Comes Honey-Boo-Boo.”  We saw her first on “Toddlers and Tiaras”, also a TLC show that featured psychotic mothers dressing their children up like tiny prostitutes so that their children could earn trophies and their love.  One of the stars was Honey-Boo-Boo, a child from a redneck family with caked on makeup, hair extensions, and a diet consisting of go-go juice, a combination of Red Bull and Mountain Dew.  Sure we knew about her, but what about her charming family?  Well, say no more!  There’s a whole show about them!  Isn’t that great?

Stay classy, TLC

Stay classy, TLC

But, hey, don’t worry, they’ve got wholesome too.  How about “19 Kids and Counting”, the show about the fundamentalist Christian family, the Duggers!  They now have 19 children, and all of them shot right out of the mom’s uterus, as she proudly states in the opening credits!  Because birth control kills babies!  Or something!  How does she do it, you wonder?  Well, it helps to have older children who are forced to raise the younger ones while you and your husband are off busily workin’ on number 20, just like the Bible said to do.

Wait, now - which one were you again?

Wait, now – which one were you again?

How does all this stuff happen?  I mean, we know how babies come into the world, thanks to “A Baby Story” which is kind enough to film women straining and screaming and pushing out babies to our heart’s delight.  But how do the babies get made?  Don’t worry, they also show that.  They have a new show called “Sex Sent Me to the ER”.  No, seriously, it’s a show.  The first episode featured a couple who decided it’d be a good idea to have sex in a tree.

I can’t see anything possibly going wrong with this scenario, can you?

I can’t see anything possibly going wrong with this scenario, can you? (credit huffington post)

They kind of spoil the ending, what with the title having the word “E.R.” in it.  The guy falls out of the tree and apparently breaks his manhood.  What’s really great about this is not only was this couple stupid enough to do this once, they were then willing to reenact it for television.  So it’s pretty clear that not all of us fully evolved from monkeys.  There is a reason we no longer do this act in trees, you morons.  Check out the video here at this site.

I was going to finish the post on that note, cause stupid tree sex seems like a good way to go out and all, but then I saw this post on Facebook about a woman eating a diaper.  It has to have pee in it.  No, I’m not kidding.  This was from a show called “My Secret Addiction.”  Guess what channel has this highly scientific show?  Three letters, guys, and they ain’t CNN.  Under the Facebook post, someone wrote “This is why aliens won’t contact us.”  Oh, so true.

I'm thinking this might be the diaper for her.

I’m thinking this might be the diaper for her.

So why do I watch this channel?  Why did I read 50 Shades?  I apparently have some sort of masochistic tendencies.  And a slew of other issues.  I’m not sure all of what’s wrong, but maybe I’ll find out if I watch enough TLC.  As long as I’m doing this anyway, is there a show you’d like me to recap?  I’ll try out this voter thingy, and see what ya think.

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69 responses

  1. Haha! 😀 Gave me a good laugh. I once viewed a cookery show on a channel named Good Times. Namely a cookery show, it focused more on the seduction and flirtation of the husband and wife cooking and speaking like Edward and Bella.

    1. Oh, man. I’m guessing there was also lots of staring creepily at each other while the food burned?

  2. These other series makes Sister Wives look like one of the best shows on TV 😛

    1. Crap, I forgot all about that one! How even ONE woman could be married to that moron, much less four, is beyond me. Add it to the contenders!

      1. Haha. Looking forward to it 😉

  3. They have the whole American Gypsy theme going too (Gypsy Wedding, Gypsy Sisters). It’s like a car wreck, only nobody gets hurt and the participants make more than me in a year (or three) to act like this on TV.

    1. Oh, yeah, the Gypsies. It’s like there is no group they can’t destroy the image of – for instance the show “Breaking Amish.” And even worse, they added another wedding show with the Gypsies. “Say Yes To the Dress” Is on more than I think any other show. And it’s exactly the same thing, over and over and over. Let’s spend 10 billion on a dress and prance around and act like this decision is as weighty as the dropping of the atomic bomb!

  4. Reason 1,298,405 I’m so relieved my TV broke. I did see “My Strange Addiction”, before it did.

    1. That show . . . I choose to think these people make a lot of the addicitons up for fifteen minutes of fame. It makes me feel better.

      1. A kid in fifth grade used to eat his brown paper lunch bag. People used to tease him about not being able to wait til lunch. He probably had pica. The one that stopped me from watching was the lady who took her stuffed animals (as in taxidermy) to the dinner table. *gag*

  5. Thanks for a great post on monday. I’m not sure if I would like sex on a tree, but at least it’s better than sex with a tree :o)

    1. I bet that one’s on “My Secret Addiction”.

  6. I voted for “Sex sent me to the ER,” but I wanted to vote for more than one..curse that limiting poll!!! Isn’t there also “My 90-day fiancée” about mail-order brides? That seems like some good learning is happening there. I vote for that too.

    1. That one does look promising, but 90 days? I mean, the Bachelor manages to get hitched in what, a couple weeks? What’s the hold up, people?

  7. I am not human. I am not human. I am not human. I am not human.

    1. Then TLC is perfect for you! 😀

      1. No, it’s not! That’s where the humans all are!

  8. all of that is terrifying – all. of. it.

    1. It is. It . . . really . . . is. Yet I keep watching . . .

          1. I know. You might want to check me later though . . .

          2. With a test of some sort? From the intergooglenetwebs?

          3. Ooh yeah, I love quizzes! I take them in Cosmo all the time!

  9. I do enjoy cake boss, and the ink shows. I was trying to think about what used to be on TLC. My mind kept going to shows like shop till you drop and supermarket sweep, which are shows that played on lifetime network for some reason. These are times I’m glad I don’t have cable.

    1. I remember supermarket sweep! That was weird, but at least mildly entertaining. Did you know the channel was originally created by NASA? ahahahaha . . sob.

      1. Oh my. Well, those NASA guys are kinda shifty anyways. You imagine going up in a rocket built by the lowest bidder?

        1. No. I wouldn’t go any place where if you get a pin prick in your outfit, ya die. I’m a wimp that way. 😀

  10. “This is why aliens won’t contact us.”—Ha! Perfectly sums up this craziness. Snacking on dirty diapers? That’s pica with a capital P (or should I say, “Pee”?…)

    I can’t imagine birthing 19 children. Oy, the abuse one’s bladder would take.

    1. Yeah, I had pica, but thank goodness I only craved ice chips. I think I’d be getting some help if a diaper looked appealing to me.

      1. Haha, yes, please do if that should ever become the case. 🙂

  11. The diaper woman on FB was just too much for me. What the fuck? My wife and I wrap the diapers in multiple plastic bags and use a reaching wand and gas mask to carry it outside immediately, and this woman is cramming them into her mouth while she cooks dinner? What the fuck, again!!!?

    1. No kidding. We tried one of those diaper genies and it did NOT make the diapers disappear. Was SOOO thrilled when they potty trained.

  12. Hey, now, I watch these shows so I can feel SANE! 😉 (Truly, never wasted 3 seconds on any of them – thank GOD! Oh, unless “Hoarders Buried Alive is on TLC – I admit to a strange fascination with those sickos, being the minimalist I am, and all.)

    1. Oh, man, that Hoarders is on TLC, but I think another channel runs it too. I always freak out and look around my house going I’m a hoarder, I’m a hoarder – but at least there are no dead cats in my freezer. Whoo.

      1. I don’t save my poop either. Whew!

  13. I don’t have cable or network TV, so I am completely clueless about all of this. You’re willing to do the hard work nobody wants to do to benefit of all of us. You are a saint, dear Alice.

    1. I do the stuff no one has to do or want to do for absolutely no reason! Yay, sainthood!

  14. I voted for more asshats having sex in weird places, but I tend to be on the perverted side.

    1. I admit, I like that one. The tree – who would have thought that could ever go wrong?

  15. TLC – and reality TV in general – is too awesome/horrible to be missed.
    Keep tuning in and blogging – please!

    1. I’ll never stop torturing, er entertaining myself.

  16. TLC
    This Looks Crazy!
    Time Loss Cyclone
    Totally Lame Channel
    The Lord Cometh
    Ta-ta, Literate Culture

    Ok, I can’t look away either. I saw the My Strange Addiction about adult babies and my vagina imploded.

    1. Zomg, I saw that one too. And then there was the one with the guy who had a thing for inflatables . . . like not women ones either. They were dolphins, and stuff like that . Nope, nope, nope . . .

  17. I want you to recap ALL of those shows, this post made me laugh so hard. I am horrified by TLC nowadays, but I have to admit back in the day when I was pregnant I watched all of those “Birth Day” baby shows that went through the whole birth process. I had to know everything that was possible!

    1. I watched the show a lot too. Now I’m like, why did I do that? This is so boring – and gross. I didn’t want to look at myself giving birth!

      1. No I didn’t either when it came down to it. They wanted to give me a mirror and I’m like “Noooo! This whole process will stop if that happens.”

  18. I read recently that 16 and Pregnant was responsible for a significant downturn in teen pregnancies.
    How’s that for a kick in the teeth – Reality tv – useful!

    I’m holding out for a reality show about men who wear wool and the women who hate sheep. Until then, I’ve got my cooking shows. (My wife makes me watch them.)
    (Meh.)

    1. Yeah, go figure. I’ve seen one of those shows, and it certainly makes me want to swear off children – both the babies and the teens.

      I’m thinking Duck Dynasty might qualify for the sheep thing, but it’s on Discovery, I think. It SHOULD be the Animal Channel, but I digress.

  19. Squirrels have sex in a tree all the time without ever breaking their squirrelhood. How did we ever get from The Learning Channel to The Douchebag Channel?

    1. I dunno, but we have fully made the cross. I think squirrels are smarter than those idiots in the tree.

  20. Gotta love TLC and My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding and Secret Princes! Lol 😀

    1. Oh the secret princes one – pfft. Like how secret can these guys really be? All these foreign rich dudes, just happen to live together oh and what’s that camera following you everywhere? Oh, that? Nothing.

      1. I know! That’s what makes it so great lol. The women are always so surprised and it’s like, really, you didn’t have any idea the hot foreign guy with a camera crew might have something up his sleeve lol 😀

  21. I dont have a telly er jumping box thingy so I really enjoyed your post. OMG!!! People at a dinner party were talking about cardassians the other day and I thought they meant these guys. Fair Dinkum! 😀
    http://star-trek.answers.wikia.com/wiki/Kardashian_or_Cardassian
    I wish I still did.

    1. Haha! I think those are far more interesting – and realistic, I must say.

  22. I voted for Strange Addictions, but only because I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant wasn’t an option.

    1. Oh, YEAH, I watched that one when I was sick year before last. I can’t even believe one woman not realizing she had a HUMAN BEING inside her, much less enough for a series. WTF?

  23. “The Biggest Loser” isn’t on your list. Or have you blanked the horror of Jillian from your mind?

    1. Is that on TLC? I thought it was network. Either way, it’s horrible. Jillian is OF THE DEVIL.

      1. I have no idea which channel it’s on in the USA, I just know it fits the terrible reality TV category!

  24. Hence why I generally only watch the foodie channels.

    1. I heard there’s one where the cooks pretend to be the characters from Twilight. Nothing’s safe!

  25. I have to write a post about Secret Millionaire and Undercover Boss, have you watched any of them?
    As for the shows, 19 and counting, please!!!!!
    I can’t see how they manage to support 19 kids, they gotta use them to smuggle drugs or something, if they say god provides, I gotta rethink this whole “I don’t believe” thing.

    1. Yeah, it’s pretty funny how after several seasons they still pretend to make it all on their own. Yeah, right, you guys are selling yourselves for money – good luck makin’ it through that needle!

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