Alice Watches TLC

Reality T.V.  Just the name conquers up images of high-quality programming, doesn’t it?  Haha.  Of course it doesn’t.  Reality TV is sort of like the Sarah Palins and Anthony Weiners of the political world.  I mean, most of TV is pretty stupid and corrupt, but there are some shows much worse than others.  And if you want to see the very worst of the very worst, look no further than TLC.

These letters should really be WTF.

Since I consider myself highly sophisticated, you can often find the last channel I watched was TLC.  That stands for “The Learning Channel” but really all you learn about is just how low humanity can go.  If there is ever a 50 Shades reality show (yes, I know, I shouldn’t be giving this woman ideas), it will be on this station.  I haven’t found it yet, but I’ve gotten pretty close.

Most people have heard of MTV’s “16 and Pregnant” and “Teen Mom” but TLC has “My Teen is Pregnant and So Am I”.  Take that, MTV.  Why have just one irresponsible person when you can have two!  Or how about an entire family?  Try “Here Comes Honey-Boo-Boo.”  We saw her first on “Toddlers and Tiaras”, also a TLC show that featured psychotic mothers dressing their children up like tiny prostitutes so that their children could earn trophies and their love.  One of the stars was Honey-Boo-Boo, a child from a redneck family with caked on makeup, hair extensions, and a diet consisting of go-go juice, a combination of Red Bull and Mountain Dew.  Sure we knew about her, but what about her charming family?  Well, say no more!  There’s a whole show about them!  Isn’t that great?

Stay classy, TLC

But, hey, don’t worry, they’ve got wholesome too.  How about “19 Kids and Counting”, the show about the fundamentalist Christian family, the Duggers!  They now have 19 children, and all of them shot right out of the mom’s uterus, as she proudly states in the opening credits!  Because birth control kills babies!  Or something!  How does she do it, you wonder?  Well, it helps to have older children who are forced to raise the younger ones while you and your husband are off busily workin’ on number 20, just like the Bible said to do.

Wait, now – which one were you again?

How does all this stuff happen?  I mean, we know how babies come into the world, thanks to “A Baby Story” which is kind enough to film women straining and screaming and pushing out babies to our heart’s delight.  But how do the babies get made?  Don’t worry, they also show that.  They have a new show called “Sex Sent Me to the ER”.  No, seriously, it’s a show.  The first episode featured a couple who decided it’d be a good idea to have sex in a tree.

I can’t see anything possibly going wrong with this scenario, can you? (credit huffington post)

They kind of spoil the ending, what with the title having the word “E.R.” in it.  The guy falls out of the tree and apparently breaks his manhood.  What’s really great about this is not only was this couple stupid enough to do this once, they were then willing to reenact it for television.  So it’s pretty clear that not all of us fully evolved from monkeys.  There is a reason we no longer do this act in trees, you morons.  Check out the video here at this site.

I was going to finish the post on that note, cause stupid tree sex seems like a good way to go out and all, but then I saw this post on Facebook about a woman eating a diaper.  It has to have pee in it.  No, I’m not kidding.  This was from a show called “My Secret Addiction.”  Guess what channel has this highly scientific show?  Three letters, guys, and they ain’t CNN.  Under the Facebook post, someone wrote “This is why aliens won’t contact us.”  Oh, so true.

I’m thinking this might be the diaper for her.

So why do I watch this channel?  Why did I read 50 Shades?  I apparently have some sort of masochistic tendencies.  And a slew of other issues.  I’m not sure all of what’s wrong, but maybe I’ll find out if I watch enough TLC.  As long as I’m doing this anyway, is there a show you’d like me to recap?  I’ll try out this voter thingy, and see what ya think.