E.R. Shenanigans!

Dun dun dunnnnnnn

Dun dun dunnnnnnn

So I checked the TLC poll again, and not counting that crazy book idea (I did make it through part of Ladies Home Journal), “Strange Addictions” won followed by “Sex Sent Me to the ER”.  TLC has the most screwed up schedule ever, which fits with the programming but makes it hard to keep up with.  Instead of, say, having an episode at the same time each week, they have multiple episodes of the same show.  So basically the line up can look like this:

7:00: Cake Boss

8:00: Cake Boss

9:00: Cake Boss

10:00: More Cake Boss

11:00: Even more freaking Cake Boss

11:30: How do this many cakes exist?

What this means is it’s hard to catch when the shows are on.  But I did manage to catch “Sex Sent Me to the ER”, so I figured, why not cover that and “Strange Addictions”?  I did not consult my brain in this matter.

I like the addition of the ambulance.  Sexy!

I like the addition of the ambulance. Sexy!

“Sex Sent Me to the ER” (on first writing I wrote “Sex in the ER”, which is a totally different show.  It’s called “Grey’s Anatomy”) airs late Saturday night.  I ended up missing bits here and there – it might have been my synapses snapping.  But it’s pretty easy to get the gist of things.  Sex.  Injury.  E.R.  Maybe they should make teenagers watch this show to prevent pregnancies.

The first idiot is a musician with sideburns from the 60s.  I hate him already.  He brags about how wild his sex life with his girlfriend is, and to show this, TLC has the bottom of a bed bouncing up and down and making pictures fall from the ceiling. Ah, so this is like 50 Shades sex.  I get it.  If only Ana and Christian had ended up in the E.R.  But I digress.

This guy.  Yeah.

This guy. Yeah.

So they are making the whoopie and he has a huge orgasm and as a bonus, a stroke!  The fun thing is, he’s too stupid to realize this.  He can hardly move his left side, but figures, hey, pinched nerve.  Yeah, um, that’s one hell of a nerve you have there, man.  He puts off going to the hospital until he’s unable to play his guitar (the horror).  Finally he and girlfriend arrive at the ER and the receptionist asks how he injured himself.

Cue sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaaaaah.

He says “Having sex.  It happened during an orgasm.  It was a doozy!”  The woman looks at him the same way I would, like she’d like to injure his other side.  He gets examined, and the doctor says he had a stroke even though he’s only 40.  The fact that he has smoked since he was NINE combined with bouncy sex resulted in a blood clot getting dislodged.  Remember that, kids.  Sex = stroke.

Next up, “the 400 pound virgin” (they actually title the different segments this way – haha witty TLC!) finally gets a girl.  A rather tiny girl, so I’m imagining all sorts of possibilities here.  Does she get trapped in the rolls of skin?  Is she literally smashed into the bedsheets?  Does she suffocate?  Turns out, none of the above.  He merely pushes her head through the wall.

I can see why the girl was attracted at once.

I can see why the girl was attracted at once.

At first he’s afraid he’s killed her.  They show the real couple laughing about it.  Haha, remember that time you nearly accidentally murdered me?  Oh, fun times.  But she’s alive, just a little out of it, since she asks him  why he stopped.  Um.  There’s sheet rock in your hair, lady.

They go to the ER.  She has a concussion, but prospects are good since she doesn’t seem like a mental giant anyway.  The guy went on to lose a lot of weight since that encounter.  Maybe he was motivated by the girl saying no more nookie until you stop using me as a jackhammer.

Finally, we have the guy with the fractured penis.  Neat fact: There are no bones in a penis, but you can still fracture it!  And it apparently hurts like hell!  Go figure.  He’s there with his girlfriend while the doctor examines him and then dun dun dun – who comes in the room but his wife?

Cute sad trombone: wah wah waaaaaah

I may be using this a lot.

I may be using this a lot.

But it’s okay, because they all know each other and everything.  Apparently the whole thing happened because the guy and the girlfriend were getting it on in the laundry room when the wife decided to join in.   Then things went awry.  An ironing board landed smack on his peen and made a major ouchie, resulting in the trip to the ER.

Surgeon General’s Warning: Three-ways in laundry rooms may result in fractured penises.

Anyway, while the girlfriend and the wife know each other, they don’t always like each other, judging by how quickly they get in a drop down, drag out fight right there in the ER.  A wig is yanked off.  This is like an episode of Jerry Springer, only with less class.  They break up the fight, and the husband tells them to make up.  They do – by making out.  This is uncomfortable enough for everyone, even the husband who gets excited which is a bad thing with a broken manhood.  But it gets worse: Wife bites girlfriend’s tongue, resulting in another injury.  Oops.

Totally appropriate for the E.R.

Totally appropriate for the E.R.

The doctor is working with a medical student who at this point is probably reconsidering her career.  The wife suggests they just put the penis in a splint and be done with it, but apparently it’s a wee bit more complicated than that.  It involves surgery, which still would have to be better than walking around with a stick attached to your, well, anyway.

The show finally ends, or I guess it did, since I missed the last few minutes because snore.  But there is your recap, and I do hope, like the medical student, you have learned some valuable lessons.  Don’t have sex.  Like, ever.

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62 responses

  1. Let’s hear cheers for abstinence! Wow.

    1. No, kidding. It seems worse on the guys so far. At least my head has never gone through a wall.

  2. this is freaking awful. this is why I don’t watch television because it makes me want to hurt myself with large weapons. that being said: I admit to having a slight obsession with grey’s anatomy when I’m in a slump and need to numb my mind. I’d rather watch fictional characters having sex in the E.R. than real life wankers, hurting their wankers. I’m going to go cry now.

    1. This made me chuckle.

      1. I’m glad I can make someone laugh. Usually, people skip right over my dry humor. =)

        1. I think I’m just in a mood for it today.

    2. I saw your post on Grey’s Anatomy! Yes, I used to watch that show a lot, but after several seasons stuff just started getting really far out, even for them. But after having watched this crap, I might go back to it. I do like Mcdreamy with his sad, sad eyes.

      1. lol the doe eyed defeated face. Oh, the story-line definitely gets completely outrageous. I mean, how many freakin insane tragedies occur at one hospital? A bomb, a shooter, a plane crash..I know there’s more but even listing them makes my eyes bleed. I really like the opening and closing monologues (did you know there’s a site dedicated to just those monologues? I found it last night and was in a state of glee) and the internal relationships. It’s a good B show to take my mind off of reality. The show was great the first few seasons – the development of characters is far more interesting than trying to sustain those characters via unbelievable story lines.

        1. Oh, I agree. The first few seasons are really the best. After that it’s like – we’re running out of ideas. Then came the plane crashes, and the train wrecks, and the shootings (how did that one guy get shot and manage to drag himself while bleeding all the way across the hospital?) etc. Although in the shooting episode, I was glad he shot that one chick right in the forehead cause she was a real bitch. But, uh, that’s just me.

          1. HAAA! Reed. Yes, she was. Although, I think she was in a movie that I really love, but not a lot of people have seen it. It’s called Brick. And it’s a must watch.

          2. Brick? Haven’t heard of it. Will have to check it out. Oh, another thing, what the heck with Izzy? She’s in love with the guy who needs the kidney and he dies and she’s sad and then she’s in love with George (poor George) and then she’s in love with Karev and then she gets Cancer and then she freaks and leaves Karev and he got all sad eyed and I was like – Alex, I will be there. Hang on!

          3. haahahahahaa!!!! “alex, I will be there. Hang on!”

          4. Brick is an outstanding movie. It is somewhat bizarre and certainly doesn’t evolve like your typical mystery, but it is highly entertaining.

  3. This show should be part of any abstinence-only education program.

    1. I think it would have to work, especially for the boys. They are very protective of their peens.

  4. “Don’t have sex. Like,ever.”

    I need to find out when this show is on to make the kid watch it, him being a teenager and all. “This is what happens! Don’t do it!”

    1. Good idea. Thing One has been having these “Straight Talk” things at school, and now she’s convinced that if she ever has sex she will get deadly VD and a baby and probably explode.

      1. I owe a lot to TLC actually. He learned about where babies really came from because of “A Baby Story” (thanks SO MUCH to his stepmom saying his sister came from the cabbage patch behind the hospital). And he has an idea what to look for in a future bride, preferably one who doesn’t whinge and cry over a $10,000 wedding dress or one that wants to relive her pageant dreams through their future children.

        See! Learning!

        1. That is very true. I hate the wedding shows, and they have line ups just like that cake boss. I just don’t know what dress to spend 50 K on? And that gay guy and the snippy woman are all “this is the most important day of your life it has to be like perfect!” And I’m thinking, you could buy a freaking HOUSE for that.

  5. I don’t know how you put up with this. I can’t tolerate this sort of stupidity.

    1. Well, it’s pretty hard to get away from. Thankfully, TLC has managed to round up a large percentage of the stupid people on the planet. Now if they’d just put them in a pen, think of the good it would do!

  6. Well, there’s some mental images I didn’t need in my head on a monday morning!

    1. Peens? Ironing boards? Stroke sex? Stupid people? There’s so much to offer!

  7. Wait, this is real? Like really real?

    1. Apparently. They have actors doing the sex accident, although sometimes they have the actual people reenact it. It’s one thing to be humiliated once, but to willingly relive it on TV? Wow.

      1. So you’re saying that some people are shameless? Who knew?

    1. Pretty soon I’m not going to be able to tie my shoes.

        1. Yes! I can get those old lady shoes and shuffle around! I’ll be a real librarian then!

  8. I have DVR’d one episode to see what this is like. I suspect that I will come out the other side much dumber.

    1. I do too. You can also catch clips on TLC. I thought about embedding one here, but figured my descriptions might be torture enough.

  9. “An ironing board landed smack on his peen and made a major ouchie.”
    Thank you for this.

    1. You’re welcome! Ironing boards and peens do not mix. Lesson learned, guys.

      1. Yeah, hello Capt. Obvious.

  10. I think, when all is said and done, that my 15 minutes of fame will come from being one of the few Americans that don’t want to get their 15 minutes of fame from being on a reality show.

    1. I know! At this point, it’s almost like who hasn’t been on one of those things? It’s all they have now. We even had Hoarders come to my hometown to film a house. I was so proud.

      1. We once had a massive drug bust across the street from us! I remember watching the reporters mill about after the cops left looking for people to interview.
        It was actually kind of sad…

        1. It WAS sad. I felt awful for that family – they’d had no water for a YEAR and this small city failed to, um, notice that? Um?

  11. So, after you watch these shows, do you need to pull out a literary masterpiece to balance out your brain? Then again, as a librarian, you probably already have enough high-brow literature in your head–you’ve earned some down-time debauchery. And it looks like you’ve found it! Sounds like an interesting show, but I have to admit, a stroke during sex? Scary.

    1. Oh, man, I should do a post on that. I have read more supposed high literature than anyone should ever read in a lifetime. And why does the high brow stuff always have to be depressing? Ugh. Yes, I have found my debauchery at last!

      But yeah, stroke. Dang. Don’t start smoking at nine.

      1. Haha, good advice. 🙂

  12. LOL! Why would people sign up for this show?! 😀

    1. 15 minutes of fame for anything – it’s like being the guy in the erectile dysfunction commercial. Or the yeast infection commercial. How desperate you gotta be?

  13. Oh my gosh! I can’t believe such a show exists. Yikes. I don’t even know which of these fabulous stories to comment on… I’m so glad my sex life is mild enough to be lacking in injuries for the most part.

    1. Mine too. I know now to try to avoid having sex in laundry rooms (at least with that pesky third person) and in trees.

  14. I’m so upset I’ve never even heard of TLC – sounds like the channel to watch 😉
    Maybe I should give up my (passive) search for a girlfriend – I have an ironing board leaning rather precariously against one wall, it wouldn’t take much to dislodge it…

    1. I wouldn’t recommend it.

  15. Three way sex is much better in a bed. So is two way sex. Why the laundry room? These people obviously didn’t have kids. Or roommates.

  16. Now if these. Injuries prevent these people from breeding, we might get a cleaner gene pool… One can only hope,anyway.

    1. Yes, so far these people have not had children, thank goodness. At least as far as I know . . .

      1. How embarrassed would the kids be, though, to find out their parents had been on that show?

        1. I can only imagine. Just like the kids that are put on Facebook every single day today.

  17. Didn’t TLC used to stand for The Learning Channel instead of The Loser Channel? What do people learn by watching it now? What not to watch?

  18. Who would have known that safe sex is more than just using protection… They don’t teach that in Sex Ed classes. Actually, you’re in Texas, and I’m not sure they even have those in your state anymore.

  19. The wife and girlfriend made out after scrapping in the emergency room?
    Are you sure you weren’t watching “Debbie Does The ER!” again?

    1. I did think I had accidentally switched to Jerry Springer at some point, but nope, same show.

      1. Wow. Some guys have all the luck – I guess.
        By the way, I’ve sent you a bunch of 5×5 questions for whenever you have time.
        I’m going to head out now. (I’ve been up since 4 AM and I’m beat! Thank God I only have a 5 hour shift today, right?)

        1. Thanks! I’ll check it out.

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