ER Sexy Times!

I think TLC knows I decided to cover “Sex Sent Me to the ER” (from here on out known as “ER Sexy Times”) and “Strange Addictions” through that psychic lady of theirs.  Because on Wednesday, they decided to show the shows back to back.  And I watched them, back to back, because I’m covering them for this here blog and because I did not want to get up.  I’ll start with ER Sexy Times and get you Strange Addictions next time.  It’s a doozy.

Vroom, vroom, we're back!

Vroom, vroom, we’re back!

Here we go.  First moron couple is doing the horizontal mambo when the guy starts itching on his face, and then his “down there”.  He gets a nasty rash that he decides needs to be seen in the ER, though the girlfriend’s like, hey, no biggie.  Cause, like, it wasn’t on her va-jay-jay, right?  So the doctor is super helpful, saying oh it could be VD, or maybe not, I don’t know.  I don’t even know why I’m here wearing this coat, actually.  So the guy accuses the girlfriend of cheating on him, and they don’t speak for a week, and then it turns out it’s not VD just a reaction to something, and he forgets about it.

Until she brings it up later.  Just, really, why would you do this?  She admits that she used lotion all over her body and by all over, I mean, really all over and under and everything.  I’m not sure I know of any lotion that’s okay for your nether regions.  At any rate, it certainly wasn’t okay for his.  He is understandably upset by her just now telling him this, but it’s okay, because she’s still offering sex.

Still, it's this guy, so you know . . .

Still, it’s this guy, so you know . . .

Next a professional fighter and his girlfriend are off in Malaysia where he has a match.  Girlfriend decides to literally jump him, but she gets off just a tad, and comes down realllly hard, and BAM, time out guys.  Slinky is bent and bleeding all over the place.  The couple are calm and collected, though.  Just kidding. They act like the Sims characters when you set them on fire.  They run to the bathroom, where he grabs a towel and then faints from the blood loss and fractures his jaw on the floor.  And then he wakes up and says “Get me to the hospital.”  Just kidding.  He tells her to get ice.  For his broken, blood-spurting penis.  Finally, one of them gets the idea to call for an ambulance.  Oh, do you think?

Warning: Peens shouldn't be bent that way.

Warning: Peens shouldn’t be bent that way.

They take him in where the doctor explains that you can break your peen because something about lots of blood built up and spongy tissue and all I remember was OUCHIE and he says it only happens to like 1,000 out of millions of guys but somehow TLC has found two of them in the first two episodes I’ve seen.  Impressive, TLC.  Malaysia is obviously not big on HIPPA and so everyone in the hospital, down to the janitor, learns of his broken pee pee and come to investigate.  Poor dude.  But when he gets out, it’s all okay, and he and girlfriend go at it again.  I dunno.  I think I’d be a bit wary of that chick, myself.  But, you know, she offered sex.

Finally, our last moron couple decides it’d be fun to role play as vampire and victim.  But first they take some ecstasy, because I’m guessing you have to be really stoned in order to play something this idiotic.  She is blindfolded and chained to the bed in her lingerie.   He is flapping around the room with fake fangs and a cape, making the actual Edward from Twilight look dignified in all his sparkly glory.  Nothing could possibly go wrong here.  Unless, you know, he trips over a coffee table and fractures his skull.

When you make Twilight vampires look cool, you're in trouble.

When you make Twilight vampires look cool, you’re in trouble.

So he’s on the ground unconscious, and she’s yelling for her Edward, but too stoned to really know wtf is going on.  Fortunately, or unfortunately considering these two might go on to breed, a neighbor hears her and phones 911 and he is taken to the hospital.  She shows up later, ranting about her immortal lover while the doctors try to figure out what the hell happened.  The doctor quips, “I always think I can never be surprised and then I am.”  I’m sure you are, doc.  And how lucky that TLC is here to reenact it for you!  You see, the lovers are either awful actors or playing themselves (same thing), but the doctors are usually real.  I’m guessing they figured they’d make a lot more money doing this show than, you know, saving lives, which says something about our society.

So does the vampire couple.  Surgeons elsewhere operate on the guy and fix his skull, and while this is going on, the doctors try to get the girlfriend’s chains unlocked because naturally there is only one key and these are real, freaking chains.  The doctor mentions that maybe they should have had a backup plan.  Like, say, not being stoned, and not being tied up, and not dressing stupidly, and not tripping over coffee tables and managing to fracture your skull.  That kind of thing.  Good luck, doc.

So what do you guys think?  Any of you guys broken a peen?  Can you think of any other words I can use in place of the names of actual body parts?

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53 responses

  1. I think the real lesson to be learned here is that if you’re going to get high and dress up like a vampire to have sex, then for God’s sake wear a helmet in case you trip over a coffee table. That’s just common sense.

    1. Exactly! Always practice safe sex – with a helmet. And knee pads. Heck, wear full football gear, just to be sure.

  2. I noticed a bunch of episodes on this weekend and thought of you…which is much nicer than it sounds.

    1. Haha! I wonder if Alice has done anything this weird . . .

  3. “Can you think of any other words I can use in place of the names of actual body parts?”

    Yes, I went to the EL James Academy (TM), and was taught that you are only supposed to use the phrase “down there” when you are talking about anything lower than the belly button.

    1. So true. Unless you are describing your own personal Christian popsickle. Oh, dear Lord, I will never forget that.

      1. Oh that’s right, she did use other words for the peen. Okay, how about:

        Member
        Trouser Meat
        One eyed Willy
        Knob
        Pecker

        Any of those work? 😉

        1. lmao at trouser meat. That one’s a winner. I happen to like Slinky – the world’s most wonderful toy / fun for a girl or a boy!

          1. Haha! (Unless that girl is gay 😉 )

            I like it though! (the name, not the actual thingy)

          2. well I suppose you could still have fun with it, just not in the typical way . . . oh, sorry, channeling Lorena Bobbitt there.

          3. Haha! This whole thing just got me thinking of another name for it: Log!

            Did you ever watch Wren and Stimpy? If not, I would highly You-tubing the Log song!

            It goes:

            What rolls down stairs
            alone or in pairs,
            and over your neighbor’s dog?
            What’s great for a snack,
            And fits on your back?
            It’s log, log, log

            It’s log, it’s log,
            It’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood.
            It’s log, it’s log, it’s better than bad, it’s good.

            Everyone wants a log
            You’re gonna love it, log
            Come on and get your log
            Everyone needs a log
            log log log!

            😉

          4. I remember log! Hahaha, it’s big, it’s heavy, it’s wood!

  4. A broken peen is a sad state of affairs, indeed.
    It would have been so cool if they guy was saying, “I vant to suck your blood, ah haha!” and then thwack…

    1. She sucked his blood! I wonder if vampire peens can be broken.

        1. In twilight they’re frozen peens!

          1. Frozen until a kiss from his true love.

          2. Ha, or a break . . . frozen breaks easier.

          3. Crack….Edward, I am sooo sorry….

  5. This is all very disturbing.

    1. Aw, come on. You haven’t ever had a peen break? According to TLC it’s really common! Women are dangerous!

      1. While I know just how dangerous women are, I can happily say I’ve never had a broken peen.

        1. You have something to be thankful for! I have also never broken a va-jay-jay.;

  6. I can’t believe people would allow their stories to be shared on TV. Doesn’t anyone enjoy privacy anymore? Even if they’re actors playing out the parts, I would think the ER would need patients’ permission to air the stories, because the people could easily be identifiable.

    “Malaysia is obviously not big on HIPPA”—Hahaha!

    1. Oh, yeah, they totally give permission, and the number of times it’s the real people reenacting it floors me. Like, dude, you were so embarrassed at the hospital, but there you are doing it again on national television . . .

  7. “Josh” – that’s a really good name for a penis. Though maybe that’s just the mood I’m in.

    1. It could be a children’s show. Josh the Magic Peeeenis! Oh wow, the search terms I will have. Yesterday I got “Fucking Pony Pics.” Yay!

  8. I have injured my member during intercourse, but thankfully no breaks or anything so severe that a hospital visit was necessary. I just had to avoid putting weight on it for a few days.

    1. Hey, you might be able to get a spot on TLC! You could be famous!

      1. I’d probably have to recreate the incident…so no thanks.

  9. I WANT TO KNOW IF THESE IDIOTS WENT TO JAIL FOR DOING ECSTASY! Inquiring minds want to know, of course! What doofs! SO glad I can’t say as I know ANY of these maroons.

    1. Don’t know. Maybe he paid for it enough with the skull fracture? Idiot could have died if the neighbor hadn’t heard the stupid girl and called 911. Moronsssss.

  10. What’s up with Alice’s hand gesture in the illustration? She might be indicating disdain for a tiny trouser snake.

    1. Sometimes a flamingo is just a flamingo.

  11. NoxemaQueensNotSoThrilledMama | Reply

    The show New Girl did a couple of episodes about broken trouser elephants and the character had to wear a cast!

    1. That must have been interesting. Also I can add trouser elephants to my vocabulary.

  12. Thanks for making me forget what ever it was I was worrying about. I like the expression “downstairs” Hilarious report! 🙂

    1. I’m glad you forgot your worries! At least we can comfort ourselves with the knowledge that we aren’t as stupid as these people, and if we ever were, we wouldn’t broadcast it on national TV. Yay, us!

  13. I’m really glad I don’t have to watch the show about these peenheads.
    And no, I’ve never broken a peen. My life had been empty and meaningless, at least according to TLC.

    1. Tis true. I mean I haven’t had 20 babies complete with six sets of multiple births, and I didn’t spend 1 million on a wedding dress, and I don’t have sex in trees, and I don’t eat glue. Sadface.

      1. They have NPR and PBS for boring people like us.

  14. When you mentioned vampires on ecstasy I was hoping that she was going to be the vampire and was accidentally going to bite his knackers off with her fake (but incredibly sharp) fangs. I was a little disappointed. Maybe next episode, eh?

    1. I’m sure that one’s coming, yes. I remember the part in 50 Shades where Ana chomps down on Christian’s peen and this supposedly causes pleasure when really I think it would have to be ouchie. But what do I know?

  15. I have never broken a peen, however I have cracked my nuts….

  16. I’ll just keep praying that these people will never have kids. For the sake of the kids!

    1. No kidding. I bet they’ll have fun explaining to the children later about that time they were on TV . . .

      1. Unless the kids are even more shameless…

  17. Since I am a tv junkie and of course, spend a fair amount of time in TLC land, I am constantly amazed and shocked at how many Americans will do ANYTHING to have a moment on tv. Thankfully Canadians mostly do not have this disease and I pray that it is not contagious since in spite of Congress’ efforts, our border is not airtight and we often end up catching whatever you guys have.
    Haven’t seen the show but I wonder when it’s on….

    1. Yes, it’s the longest unprotected border, and somehow I think you guys need a lot more protection from us! That we’re a leading world power yet have shows where people actually celebrate being stupid, makes me worry just a bit.

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