In order to make this letter appropriate and professional, I have censored all wordy dirds.
Thank you so beeping much for not closing the beeping schools today. It was beeping -11 windchill and the roads were beeping packed with beeping ice and snow making dangerous beeping road conditions that no beeping person would ever beeping go out into if they had any beeping sense. But of course, beeping school cannot be cancelled for any beeping beeping reason.
I’m thrilled you think so beeping little of my children’s safety. It warms my cold, dead heart. I do hope if there are a beep-load of beeping wrecks all over the beeping road this morning, that this doesn’t weigh too heavily on your beeping conscience. For that matter, oh beeping university at which I work, I hope you don’t beeping mind if a few of your beeping students and employees drop dead of beeping frostbite while walking the three or four beeping miles from their beeping parking spaces to the beeping school buildings.
But we got out in this beeping weather anyway, because we knew you beeping people would come after us because we beeping must never miss school or you won’t get money, er I mean their beeping education might suffer. But at least we know you are beeping thinking of us while you stay in your beeping warm homes or park in your beeping reserved beeping parking spaces. I would not feel terribly if you got beeping stuck in the beeping snow while going to your beeping country club meetings later today.