Saturday night I was trolling TLC and came across an episode of Untold Stories of the ER: Sex Edition. Ah, okay, so this is what prompted them to make an entire series out of just the sex related injuries they got in the ER. What an inspiration these guys were. There are some real “doozies” here.
First, we have a guy with his peen stuck in a camping stove. I think it’s a Coleman. The stove. Anyway, this guy walks into the ER with it still attached in front of him, covered just by a blanket. That gets you some attention, even in a crowded ER. They take the guy back and see that, yup, there’s a camping stove on there and slinky is stuck tight. Luckily for the guy, he’s still kind of stoned (are you surprised?) and isn’t feeling the entire, uh, weight of the situation.
The nurse is male. I’ve seen him on other episodes of the show, and he seems like a cool guy. He’s not afraid to admit that since a very sensitive part of the male anatomy has been half shredded and stuck in a metal object, he’s having a bit of a hard time dealing with it.
The doc asks him how his peen came to be stuck inside the stove. The man explains that he and his girlfriend were stoned and in the midst of their funsies, she suggested that he stick his peen inside a hole in the stove. So of course the moron does it. Hard to say whether he still would have done it even if he wasn’t stoned. Once inside, it gets stuck, and the more the guy tries to yank it out, the more it swells. Basically peen is like Pooh Bear when he eats too much honey and gets stuck in that hole. Oh, bother.
The doctor suggests that they call someone in to cut the stove off of the guy’s peen. The nurse looks at him like “WTF?” but summons a maintenance man as he’s told. The poor old maintenance guy arrives, takes one look at the stove and says “No way.” Then he passes out flat on the floor and they have two emergencies. Yay!
Next, they call the Fire Department. A young, virile fireman walks in, looks at the stove, and runs back out. He sticks his head between his legs and tries not to vomit. This is a guy who fights fires for a living here. Not looking good.
Finally, they decide to call a freaking urologist, who says they should take some giant needles and drain the peen so that they can then slide it out of the stove. This seems the most promising idea so far, though the guy, even stoned, realizes that giant needles to the peen is really gonna sting like the dickens.
They can’t give him much pain relief since he’s already on so many chemicals, so the guy screams bloody murder while the poor nurse tries not to freak the heck out like the other two guys. But once the blood is drained, they get the stove off of him, finally. The nurse bandages him and leaves for a moment. When he returns, the dude is gone, but he helpfully left them the stove. He jokes that they could have a cook-out, you know, if they were insane, then dumps the stove in a container labeled medical waste. I bet they don’t get that kind of waste very often.
In case you were thinking that was the most uncomfy situation of the night – wrong! There is also a young guy who had a stroke. He’s with his girlfriend. The doctor wonders why this would happen to someone so young. Then in comes the wife. Whoops. They are sent outside since they are making the guy’s blood pressure rise again. But that’s not the end of it because later she comes back and there is a third woman in there with him. The dude with the stroke can’t talk, but just shrugs. I think the doctor now wants to kill him. It’d have to be a totally justifiable homicide there.
The women all find each other out in the ER and are sent outside where one tries to run over another with her car. The doctor remarks that it’s like an episode of “Jerry Springer”. Pretty much. I’m not sure why three women would fight over this one guy when there are plenty of douchebags to go around.
So they treat him for the stroke, and the doctor comes back later to check on him in the hospital. He’s amazingly doing better, and she suggests that maybe he might want to not date so many women, seeing as how this nearly killed the guy. Our Romeo whines that he loves them all, so can’t stop. Then he tries to hit on the doctor, who is shockingly not impressed by him.
Okay, I saved the best one for last. No, really! Guy number 3 comes in with a vibrator shoved way up his bum. I don’t know if he said how this came to be, since I missed a few minutes of the show in there. No doubt he accidentally sat on it. Anyway, not only is there a vibrator up his butt, it’s still running! Talk about your literal insult to injury. Vrroooom! The guy remarks that they are long-lasting batteries.
Cue sad trombone. Wah, wah, wahhhhhh.
So they do a scan of the guy and sure enough, there it is. He’s managed to, like, get it up near the hip area. I’m not even sure what organs are around up there. Impressive. The doctor says that, no, salad tongs are not going to get this thing out, and they’re going to have to call a gastroenterologist to get the thing out surgically.
While looking for this picture, I discovered a page filled with x-rays of items ER docs have found lodged up the bums of patients. It includes, among other things: keys (that’s where they were!), live ammunition, a ringing cell phone, a peanut butter jar (da fuq?), and a Buzz Lightyear figure. You doctors have all the fun!
The guy is understandably freaked out about this, but seems even more concerned when the insurance guy comes in to take down his information. He insists that there not be a record of this. That’s something to think about, dude, next time you decide to shove something up your backside. Ah, well. The guy offers to pay for the procedure in cash. He shows the doctor stacks of thousand dollar bills. I bet that’s what Donald Trump did when he had this problem.
Like I said, I missed a bit of this one, so I’m not sure if they addressed just how the guy came to not only have a vibrator in his bo-bo but also be in possession of massive amounts of cash. I can imagine some interesting possibilities there. Did he rob a bank with a vibrator, only to have a concerned citizen put it where the sun don’t shine? No telling, but I like that scenario myself.
While the doctor has, sadly, seen this sort of thing dozens of times before, he hasn’t had a patient offer to pay entirely in cash up front. They have to ask about the cost, and when it comes to over 10,000 dollars, the guy just counts it out right in front of them. Yeah, that’s not suspicious at all. The hospital takes it though, cause you know, at least they’re sure they’re going to get paid for correcting this idiocy.
So the guy gets the surgery done without his insurance knowing about it, but the hospital still has to have a pathology report. They discover that the object removed from the patient was a small pink vibrator, and they all laugh. Now, seriously peeps, doctors are professionals and they’re going to help you out of whatever jam you get yourself or your insides into, but if you think they’re not going to joke about this among themselves, you’ve got to be kidding me. You will be the talk of the staff for at least a day or two, when the next guy arrives with a live hamster up there.
So there we go, camping stove on the peen guy, Don Juan stroke victim, and vibrator up the bum dude. Just another night at work. I’m glad I work in a library, where the most I’ve encountered was a guy who liked to get off to animal porn on the internet. Whew.
Any of you guys heard any wild ER stories? About your, um, friends of course. Don’t worry, secret is safe with me – and all my readers. And the spambots. And possibly a few cats. But don’t be afraid to share!