ER Sexy Times Quiz!

tlc

So I was really disappointed this Saturday when there was no “ER Sexy Times” episode.  Instead it was yet another show with sex in the title – “Secret Sex Stories”.  So secret it’s totally on cable!  Wow, I was really interested since it was going to have a woman with the biggest natural boobs like ev-ah, but they didn’t glow in the dark or anything special, so bo-ring.  Also, this show didn’t promise to send one of the idiots involved to the hospital. I mean, duh, the best part is watching them get injured.  I figured instead I would just take the quiz that TLC had on their website, because you know how much I love taking pointless quizzes.

The quiz was called “Bedroom Habits Exposed: How Does Your Sex Life Compare?”  Oh, goody!  You all wanted to know what was goin’ down in the Wonderhood right?  I didn’t think so.  There were some fascinating questions, and even better were the answers people gave.

You see?   TLC IS about learning!

You see? TLC IS about learning!

Each question played a clip from ER Sexy Times underneath.  Sometimes the clip had something to do with the question, but most of the time it was just a random bit from the show.  I was sad not to see the tree sex people, since I definitely most identified with them.

The first question was: “Where’s the best place to have a quickie?”

Now some of you weirdos might be thinking “bed” or even “couch” but sorry, neither of these are listed cause who does that?  The choices were:

  • A. In a dark closet
  • B. It’s going down in the bathroom
  • C. Hit the stop button and get it done in the elevator
  • D. Pull off the highway and get in the back of the car.

It was really hard to decide.  I mean, who hasn’t been getting dressed for work in a dark closet, tripped, and landed on their husband’s peen?  Maybe people not married to men.  And the bathroom?  As long as you have the shower head, who needs anyone else, right?  Sex in an elevator – lovin’ it up as you’re goin’ down?  Heck yeah! This way you can not only inconvenience all the people waiting for the elevator, you can get bodily fluids all over a public place, and probably get filmed by the security camera.  The video will then appear on youtube, and make you wildly famous.  Humping in the back seat of the car is great too, especially when a cop pulls over to arrest you for public indecency.

It's not a real date night unless you end up in the back of one of these.

It’s not a real date night unless you end up in the back of one of these.

I left out a few of the questions because the answers were so sexist.  I mean, for some reason TLC assumes only women and gay guys are taking this quiz.  I guess the straight men are all busy taking quizzes on what kind of power tool they’d go out with or something.  So I just left the most P.C. questions, just to show I care.

Next question: What are you most afraid of hurting during sex?

  1. Oh, geez, definitely my vagina
  2. Penis, that’s the baby maker
  3. All the sex could cause a heart attack
  4. I’m afraid of head injury

I don’t know about you men, but I’m pretty concerned about hurting my coochie.  But we ladies are also concerned about your body parts because, hello, babiezz!  If your penis is all smooshed, how you gonna knock us up, huh?  Otherwise, like, who cares?  A heart attack is totally possible, because sometimes we eat at KFC before getting’ our groove on.  Moving on, head injuries?  Oh, yeah, big worry there.  My husband is always whacking my head into walls, car doors, trees, telephone poles, and wherever else we happen to be when the mood strikes.  I always bring Tylenol for protection, just in case.

Totally describes my sex life!

Totally describes my sex life!

Question Three: What gets you in the mood?

  1. Reading a romance novel; hello Mr. Grey
  2. A great date, followed by drinks in the apartment
  3. An adult film, it’s to the point.
  4. Champagne and strawberries

What gets me in the mood? Well, besides “ER Sexy Times” and “balloon animals”, I’m obviously gonna have to go with A. Reading 50 Shades of Grey.  That is such a major turn on I can hardly keep from puking in my sexy bathroom.

Foreplay or Ipecac Replacement?

Foreplay or Ipecac Replacement?

Question Four: How do you describe your lovemaking?

  1. Sensual and Tender
  2. Like Rihanna’s song “S&M”
  3. Unemotional
  4. Yee haw, ride ‘em, cowboy!

Sensual and tender?  Hahaha!  How risky is that?  No, better to go with whips and chains and your occasional buttplug.  But if your budget is low, you can always DIY S&M with rakes and leaf blowers.  I’m not sure if my lovemaking is unemotional.  I think it’s very emotional, especially if the Olympics is playing on the TV at the same time.  And as for the last one?  Oh, yes, of course, nothing like sex on a mechanical bull to keep your juices going and your marriage hot, hot, hot!

Example of DIY S&M

Example of DIY S&M

Question Five: What’s your favorite part about sex?

  1. The connection with another human being
  2. It’s a great workout
  3. The foreplay
  4. Ummm, hello . . . orgasm!

Pfft, I love how one of the answers is “connection with another human being.”  Good grief, thanks to “Strange Addictions” I now know that human beings are actually optional.  In case you’re not sure about your partner, here is a handy cheat sheet you can use when selecting dates.  The following are NOT human:

Cars

Inflatable dolphins

Camping stoves

Donald Trump’s hair piece

Donald Trump

Not human.

Not human.

Alright then, with that out of the way, is sex a great workout?  It depends on how long you can keep going at it.  You know how some people say they have sex for hours and hours?  If it takes that long to have sex, someone’s doing something wrong.  Foreplay can only go on for so long, unless you happen to be in a porno.  So foreplay’s out too.  That leaves us with “orgasm” as the best part of sex.  Like, duh, of course it is.  Unless you’re like this lady here, then it gets kind of old.

 

Okay then the answers.  The largest majority of people (32%) thought quickies in the bathroom were the best.  And here I thought you like, went pee in there and stuff.  I never realized how much romance could be found!  Lesson learned.  47% were afraid of hurting the old va-jay-jay (I have to wonder how many of these people were men or balloon animals), and 24% were afraid of hurting the babiezz maker.  Only 15% were afraid of head injuries, so SOME people have really boring sex lives, clearly.

46% said a great date and booze got them in the mood.  Only 15% thought 50 Shades of Grey got them in the mood.  You might note that this is the same percentage of people who were afraid of head injuries during sex.  Coincidence?  I think not.  33% described their lovemaking as  “Ride ‘em, cowboy!” That’s nice to know.  Finally, favorite part of sex?  It was pretty evenly divided between “connection with another human” and “orgasm.”  No word on whether the “orgasm” ones read my cheat sheet or not.

So there you have it.  I have to say, this quiz was at least as informative as Cosmo, and had the added bonus of video clips which you usually don’t have in Cosmo.  Otherwise Cosmo would be much more popular with both sexes.  If you’d like to take the quiz, go to this link here.

So question of the day – what gets you guys in the mood?

58 responses

  1. Ooo, I am first to comment!
    Um, lets see….men’s cologne for sure, but it has to be the good stuph.
    Also, toilet paper.

    1. Toilet paper gets you in the mood? Dafuq?

        1. Um…Charmin? It sure makes those bears happy.

          1. Exactly, they need to learn how to share.

          2. True. I want some happiness, too.

          3. Stop squeezing her Charmin, TD.

          4. Nothing makes me more happy than a fresh undercarriage.

          5. That not not-so-fresh feeling?

          6. That was a double negative on my part, so I’m not sure you understood the comment. 😉

          7. What’s that supposed to mean?

          8. I’m not a dictionary!

          9. More like a blank notebook…

          10. Indeed. I write my own life and meanings. Then like an eraser, I get drunkeh and start all over again!

          11. Welcome to Alice’s chat room! 😀

          12. Off with their heads!

  2. What gets me in the mood? Spicy Nacho Doritos. Coffeh. A good nap. A cool drink of water. Socks. Dental floss. Wait…in the mood for what?

    1. With a list like that, I’m not sure. The dentist? Wait, I bet there are people who get it on in the dentist’s chair. Pass the gas!

        1. No, stupid, not that gas. The kind that gets ya high!

          1. I was gonna have a biting retort, but I got high.

  3. I thought only 0.5% (Donald Trump’s hair piece) would like 5o shades of grey to get in the mood :o) I just ponder about the inflatable dolphins :o)

    1. I think inflatable dolphins would get me in the mood faster than 50 Shades. It is the anti-mood maker.

  4. I can’t answer your question as I’m know thinking about sex on a mechanical bull.
    In a tree.
    Above the ER.

    1. That would be the most convenient place for mechanical bull tree sex – above an ER.

  5. I’m not looking forward to the day when ‘having a heart attack’ is my #1 answer…

    Love that you included The Donald, too. Of course, now I’m picturing him doing the deed, and if THAT isn’t terrifying, I don’t know what is. Oh, and I loved your connection to 50 Shades and head injury. Very clever!

    1. Donald and the deed – truly terrifying. I could imagine the hairpiece leaping off his head and attacking you like some sort of blood-sucking hair beast.

      1. And yet again you make me laugh out loud. My husband must wonder what I’m doing in my den laughing like a crazy woman. Little does he know I’m picturing The Donald’s hair leaping off his head during the act.

        1. It is pretty frightening. I might give myself nightmares.

    2. I loved that too! I actually,morula, Lol’d on that one.

  6. A mechanical bull, of course. I have one in my bedroom.

    1. Right next to the stripper pole, right?

  7. I think the best place to have a quickie is obvs in Donald Trump’s hairpiece.

    1. You’d probably never be discovered, that’s for sure.

  8. I can tell you what doesn’t get me in the mood – new dress shoes on a Monday when I have to stay late and walk all over hell’s half acre.

    1. If I won the lottery and knew I was moving to the Bahamas soon, I would totally park in the President’s reserved parking spot on my last day. Oops, my bad!

    1. This quiz is funnier the longer you’ve been married. Like, really, people do that? That’s way too much work.

  9. Like Rihanna’s song S&M? You mean “repetitive, annoying, and lasts less than 5 minutes”?

    Oh, and that balloon animal… Isn’t that Sad Poneh’s sex doll?

    1. Ha, haven’t heard that particular Rihanna song, but considering her track record, I’ll take your word for it. I have a feeling, though, there are a lot of those bozos on the show who in reality would match that description exactly.

      It is Sad Poneh’s sex doll. Except it popped the other day. Cue sad trombone: wah wah wahhhh.

  10. This was so funny! Now I wish we had these shows so I could watch them here!

    1. They are an excellent way to both waste your time and brain cells at once.

  11. What is this ‘sex’ thing everybody is prattling on about? Is it something you eat? Maybe you drink it? Is it a destination? Please explain.

    Sincerely,

    Married a Long Time

    1. Ha. Same here. How many years have you been in? I think a lot of those gymnastics sound like way too much work. You might miss your favorite TV show or something.

      1. That’s an excellent point. And what about my nap? Is it going to cut into my nap? Because that would most definitely NOT be okay with me.

  12. Suddenly a life of celibacy is making perfect sense!

    1. Tell me about it. Waiting for TLC to make the inevitable “Naughty Nuns” show.

      1. I think most are well behaved these days. You’d have to go back 500 years to get anything worthy of TLC’s air time!

  13. Only on TLC…

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