Strange Addictions: E.T. Phone . . . Boobs?

The station that dares to stoop lower than Jerry Springer!

Yeah, we’re back with another dose of strange addictions.  Thank goodness they give us the warning at the beginning not to try this at home.  I was so close to nomming on my fruit shaped eraser.  It’s so realistic and smells good too!

Boobies Edition!

This episode involves no eating of nonedible products, so yay!  It does, however, involve a lady so goofed up they devoted the entire episode just to her.  Or it might have been because TLC really liked seeing those ginormous boobs.

How big were they, Alice?  Dolly Parton looks like a Double Minus A cup compared to this woman.  Heck, the bride of Godzilla would probably have smaller mammary glands, and they’d be much more functional too.  If you’ve ever played a video game, or read comics, you know how insane they can get with drawing the boobs.  These chicks have boobs bigger than their heads.  It’s crazy.  This lady leaves them behind.  Way behind.  When I first saw this woman, my jaw dropped, and as you know, I’ve seen a lot of weird crap just working in a library.

But nothing quite like this . . .

Not only does she have a rack that can actually serve drinks (she demonstrates), she also has an enormous silicon-filled caboose.  It’s – just – I think even Sir Mix-A-Lot would be saying “Daaaaahmmmn, guuuurl!”  The thing is a bench.  You could probably sit on her comfortably, except then she’d fall over on her boobs and not be able to get up.  Really – she has to have help getting up if she lays on her back.  I can imagine all sorts of reasons this lady might be heading to the ER.  Suffocation is just one of them.

She has so much silicon in her boobs, that they weigh something like 20 pounds.  And they do party tricks.  If she puts a flashlight under her boobs, they light up from all the fluid.  They could make a science fiction movie based on this lady, and I can pretty much guarantee you’d get the usual demographic (18-25 year old males) filling the seats.

Lookie, her boobs double as jack-o-lanterns!

Her college aged son tries to persuade her to maybe drain the boobs a bit, but she surprises him with her decision to make them twice as big!  Poor kid.  It had to be fun having this lady as class mom.  Oops, got my boobs in the frosting!  Anyway, he expresses concern for her welfare, and says he wonders which she cares about more – her big boobs or her kids?  She skirts around it, but answer?  Boobs.

Her youngest child, a girl around nine, is the best part of the entire program.  They interview her, asking what she thinks about her mother’s boobs.  She says, “I like that they pay the rent, but they’re really weird.”  I love this kid.  Apparently, mom does modeling for people who like women with impossible proportions – I’m guessing car magazines.  But there’s the kid, saying it up front – maybe you make some money, but you’re a freak.  If your nine-year-old can figure this out, you might want to think it over, lady.

One melon plus one melon equals – I wonder if I can get them this size?

But thinking does not seem her strong suit.  Perhaps she has had some silicon injected into her brain along with her boobs, butt, oh and I forgot, her lips which look like someone smashed them in a meat processor and they swelled up into little sausages.  But clearly, this is not enough for her.  She needs more.

She visits the plastic surgeon, but even he just shakes his head, refusing to work on her because it will freaking kill her.  All that silicon is not very healthy, nor is going through that many surgeries.  Also he might be the only plastic surgeon to have actual qualms about working on someone who’s batshit crazy.  Besides the dangers of silicon and surgery, I’m not sure how she’d walk without toppling over, even with the substantial butt in back.  I don’t know how she does it now.  She can’t even find clothes to fit her warped body.  I mean, damn, even Barbie can find clothes.  Lots of them.

I just . . . couldn’t think up a caption for this one.  Give it your best shot.

But she’s no Barbie, even if she does have enough plastic to be one.  At the end of the show, TLC reports that she has found a surgeon willing to do the operation in the next few months.  Wait for a news story about a woman’s boobs spontaneously combusting into flames.  I be it will be our girl!

What about you guys?  Have you ever considered plastic surgery?  What would you want to change?