TLC: Extreme Wedding Edition

Wash, rinse, repeat!

Wash, rinse, repeat!

I was going to have some more recaps for ya, but TLC had different ideas.  As I’ve noted before, TLC’s schedule is apparently created by someone with both OCD and ADHD.  So I again did not manage to catch new episodes of either of the two oh-so-awesome shows I’m covering.  This is partly because TLC is so in love with their new show “Secret Sex Lives” which is totally different from “Sex sent me to the ER” and “Strange Addictions” and “My Crazy Obsession” and “Strange Sex”.   Like, they moved the words around, duh!

This one.  If you move the letters around, you get "TLC"

If you move these letters around, you get “TLC”

So I figured, my brain is so far gone by now, why not?  I turned on “Secret Sex Lives”.  And who do I see first but my old pal Nathaniel from “Strange Addictions”!  Hey, TLC, that’s cheating!  Not only that, you’re not even branching out and trying to rip off other networks.  You’re ripping YOURSELF off now.  I’m on to you!

In case you don’t remember Nathaniel, he’s better known as “Car Sex Guy”.  It was pretty horrifying to see this guy the first time.  But TLC shows him again anyway, cause it’s a “sex life” that’s “secret” because it’s “disturbed”.  And they don’t even get new footage – not that I could have stood any more footage of Nat licking his steering wheel and whispering sweet nothings to the upholstery.  But still, come ON, TLC.  Have you really run out of morons so quickly that you have to repeat old morons on new shows?  Shame, TLC, shame.

I still have this look on my face.

I still have this look on my face.

So I figured, why don’t I branch out and look at whatever idiot thing TLC happens to be covering when I’m watching TV long after my lunch has fully digested.  And since we’re like 3 months from June, why not a wedding show?

Friday has a marathon of “Say Yes to the Dress”.  I discussed this show briefly while feverish and doped up during my bout with Pneumonia.  The show is no better when you’re well.  I was actually looking about for some more drugs, even though I’m not “technically” sick right now.

Then again, maybe I am.

Then again, maybe I am.

I really hate this show.  All the tension rests on what horribly overpriced dress some stupid girl is going to choose for her wedding.  Keep in mind that a wedding lasts a few hours at most.  You’re not even going to wear the dress the entire day.  And you’ll never wear it again, even when you marry moron number 2, because who wants to get married in the same dress you used with the first jerk?

Yet the dress shop owners act as if this is an “investment in their future.”  What?  Unless the bride-to-be is planning on becoming Miss Haversham and wearing the dress all day long while collecting dust and raising young girls to hate all men, then, no, this really isn’t an investment in her future, at least not a future past the next month or so.  It’s actually nauseating what these people will spend on a single outfit.  10,000 is usually considered their “bottom-line dress.”  Choose that garbage bag, and you’re sure to get a “no way girlfriend” shake of the head from one of those snobby twits at the shop.

Yeah, these twits.

Yeah, these guys.

And if they don’t turn their noses up at the girls, then be sure someone in the family will.  Why, I ask, would you bring that many family members to help you choose a dress?  How stupid is that?  They aren’t going to wear it.  I could see bringing your mother if you happen to like her, or a friend, but your entire extended family?  Even Grandma who thinks any dress with less than a turtleneck collar, long sleeves, and a skirt that covers the ankles is slut city?

Of course, I have a feeling many of these women are not paying for the dresses themselves, hence at least having the parents there to approve the choice.  Here’s the thing, though – if you can’t afford your own dress, are you ready to be out on your own?  Get a job, save some money, then get a dress for a couple hundred at most, and put the 10 grand (or more) that some misguided person gave you on a freaking HOUSE, mmkay?  That’s a good girl.

And here I thought it was about love and commitment and . . . pffft, silly me.

And here I thought it was about love and commitment and . . . pffft, silly me.

If “Say Yes to the Dress” followed the natural progression of things, it would take the same couple through a number of other shows.  First the happy couple who spent everything on a dress go to their new trailer house in “Welcome to Myrtle Manor”, then have “Strange Sex” followed immediately by “Sex Sent Me to the ER” which leads to “I Didn’t Know I Was Pregnant” resulting in  “Quints by surprise!” leading to “Extreme Couponing” and devolving into “Cake Boss” and “My 600 lb life”.   But, alas, no, all we get is the stupid dress.  Whoop-te-shit.  This isn’t even the only wedding show on TLC.  You’ve also got “Friday Bride Day”, “My Big Fat American Gypsy Wedding” (I see what you did there TLC), “Four Weddings” (God help me), “I found the gown” (Did you use coupons?), “Say Yes to the Dress Atlanta” (these are like CSI shows), and “Say Yes to the Dress Bridesmaids.”  That’s too many shows about brides.

By the end of an episode of “Say  Yes to the Dress”, I’m almost ready to watch Nathaniel and his car.  At least they aren’t spending a lavish amount of money on a wedding.  Please say they aren’t.

So there you go.  No light up boobs, not even a light up dress.  Sad.  But still, there’s a post!  Yay.

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30 responses

  1. Maybe they really try to demoralize the people, till they would even watch Nat and his fourwheeled love? I agree with you for those wedding shows, they punish the people with this trash here too. The wedding show guy said it makes him proud that his show moves people to tears. Yes, but to tears with pain….

    1. It’s all starting to make some sort of twisted sense now!

  2. I will never, never understand this fascination with weddings and what people wear, but I would guess I’m not TLC’s target audience.

    1. Thank goodness! That involves a lot of freaks. Even worse than the wedding show? That stupid “What Not to Wear”. I could really go to town on that one. Self esteem? Not after we’re done!

  3. I think if you spend 10000 on a wedding dress, you’d stay married just so you don’t have to spend that money again. So yeah, it is kind of an investment.

    1. If only. At least you can pawn a diamond, though not for nearly what you paid for it. Few people want to pay much for a used wedding dress. Especially if you goof and spill red punch on it.

  4. That last paragraph was comic gold! 🙂

    I never understood the amount people spend on their wedding dresses!! When my wife and I had our wedding (we were technically married for 5 years prior – only they called it a civil union), we both got dresses, and combined they only cost us something like $400.00! We had our wedding at and American Legion and did not even have an open bar. We did feed them dinner and had a DJ, but you are right – it’s only ONE DAY! My cousin was there and her wedding was the next month and cost more than a small home. She even said to me that she had such a good time at our wedding that she almost wished she hadn’t spent so much on hers!

    I’ll never get why people go so crazy about weddings, and for that reason I am proud to say I have never even watched one episode of that awful show!

    1. See, you got two dresses for way less than one of theirs! And I bet they were just as gorgeous too. See, here’s another reason why you’d think the capitalist tendencies of a lot of Republicans would outweigh their homophobia – if more states allowed gay people to marry, the wedding industry would rake in even more money. And the weddings would be a lot more interesting.

    2. Ha! My wife got a nice dress that happened to be white.
      When I asked if she was sure she didn’t want something fancier, she looked at me quizzically and said “for a dress I’m only gonna wear once?”

      Just another of the many reasons I love her.

      1. Sounds like you’ve got a good one there!

  5. I got my dress online from a chubby girl store, on sale, sight unseen, for $140. I loathe these shows too, WT. Just..wtf? You know where it is? Still in my closet, with blue frosting on it from when Tom fed me our cake…well, it was more like slammed me with cake.

    1. Lol, mine was under 100 – got it at this little Hispanic lady’s formal shop. The veil cost almost as much but still, yeah, less than 200 here. And it’s in my mother’s closet I think – no wayyyy could I fit in it now.

      1. Same here..I haven’t even tried.

  6. Sadly, I never wore a wedding dress…

    1. I guess your limit was the cocktail dress, huh?

      1. Or, you know, any dress.

        1. Surre. Seriously, though, tuxes can cost a ton even for rental. Unreal.

          1. Yeah, they can. It’s ridiculous.

  7. I was kinda hoping Nathaniel was going to marry his car. Maybe that will be in an upcoming show?

    1. I wouldn’t doubt it. Secret Strange Weddings, next time on TLC.

  8. I speak from experience here – spending a lot of money on wedding shit does NOT make you any more or less married, nor does it make you any more or less happy in the long run.

    1. But – but they promised it was an investment in my futurrrrre!

  9. There is actually a show called “Say Yes to the Dress”? I enjoy my crime dramas and the occasional sitcom, but apparently there is a whole other TV world I know nothing about. Sounds like that’s just as well. That show’s right up there with football in my “things I never want to watch” category.

  10. Please tell me car sex guy will be on one episode, getting hitched to the sedan of his dreams.
    (I mean, you go out with a coupe. But you don’t marry one.)

    1. So true. You can’t expect anyone to buy you if you give out your gas for free.

  11. I don’t have TLC and now I feel like I’m really missing out. Also, “whoop-te-shit” is my new favorite phrase.

    1. I like it too. Also fuckballs. 😀

      1. I say shitballs a lot, and I’m not really sure why.

  12. You haven’t realized how TV works? Step 1: Find a good idea Step 2: Repeat that idea thousands of times

  13. I am think my sister spent £250 on her wedding dress. She looked fantastic in it. Scary thing is, I also fit in it, so should I leave the Order and want to get married, no need to spend any money in that department!

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