Twilight III: Eclipse Recap: Part One

Hey, all, I’m back with my two fellow sufferers reviewers, my daughters, Thing One and Thing Two.  Finally.  Last time we reviewed the second installment of Twilight gaggeria, New Moon, and before that the suckage that started it all, Twilight.  That was a while ago.  Like, um, over a year. It takes that long to recover from this stupidity.   But – here we go again on our own . . .

Menu selection screen –

Cardboard figures - just like in the movie!

Cardboard figures – just like in the movie!

Camera zooms around everywhere wildly.  Characters from the movie pop up.  All: Arghhhhhhhhh!

T1: They’re like cardboard pop ups!

T2: But scarier!

Me: Movie hasn’t even started yet and we’re scared!

We freeze for a screen shot of Bella.

T1: Draw a mustache on her!

T2: Mommy I dare you!




Movie opens in rain.  Yay.  Man is walking through the rain, at night, alone.

T2: They’re in Gotham City!

T1: Just like in the first Twilight movie, you know something’s gonna die in the first few seconds.

Me: If only it could be Bella.  No, it’s this schmuck.  Let’s watch, shall we?

Yup, something shoots out of nowhere at him.  T2 starts rooting for it.  Man tries to run for it.

T1: Try like left or right.

Whatever bites him.  He falls to the ground, writhes around, screams like a little girl.

T2: Oh the painnnn, the painnnn!

T1: He must have been a real wimp in high school.

Me: Sounds like Bella’s nightmare

T2: Alien’s gonna pop out of his chest!

T1: Like this movie isn’t gross enough already?


Edward checks Bella for ticks.

Edward checks Bella for ticks.

Zoom in on more trees.  Bella boring voiceover.

T2: Blah blahhh

T1: Shush, I’m trying to hear the stupid things she says.

Me: She’s ruining Robert Frost’s Fire and Ice poem.  Bad Bella!

T1: Some say it will end in ice, or sparkly vampires . . .

They are in a meadow again.  Ooooh.  Like a Summer’s Eve commercial.  Eddie is messing with her hair like he’s checking Bella for ticks or dandruff.

Me: Ooh I see his sparkles on his cheek!  Or blush?

T1: It’s sweat.

Me: Sparkly sweat?

T2: I’m allergic to sparkles

Bella: Turn me

Edward: If you marry me.  It’s called compromise

Me: No it’s called bribery.

Bella is sitting on him, making out.

T1: Ugh, can’t breathe Bella . . .

Edward: You’re worried about what people will think . . .

T1: At this point, why?

Mumble, mumble, mumble

T2: Eddie, stop talkin’ Latin

Me: Maybe if she’d quit speaking into her hand.  Microphones, people, something!


Yay, happy family.

Yay, happy family.

Bella whines at Dad who for some reason still hates Edward – like HE SHOULD.  Remember how you were screamin’ at night, Bella?  Remember the moping?  Well DO YOU?  Clearly poor dad is the best character.

Dad: You know why you’re being punished

Bella: Yeah I put you through hell

T1: over and over and . .

Bella: Edward is in my life

Dad drinks.  I’d drink too if I were him.

Dad: You have freedom if you use it to see others. Like Jacob.

T1: Yeah, better choice there.  What about the girls who said they were her friends?


Wait a sec, my boyfriend is a jerk . . .

Wait a sec, my boyfriend is a jerk . . .

Bella goes to her truck.  Won’t start.  Wonder why.  Edward shows up.  All scream.

Bella: Did you do this to my truck?

T2: Yeah he’s a psycho freak!

T1: Does he have no conscience?  Why did he take her battery?

T2: To put it in the microwave?

Edward: The wolves have no control.

Me: Eddikins, ya took her battery.  You don’t either.

Edward: Well I’m sorry.

T1: Worst apology ever


No wonder Bella's so popular!  She's so happy!

No wonder Bella’s so popular! She’s so happy!

Bella conversation at lunch table.  Humans are blabbing.  Bella stares.  Then Alice and Jasper sit down.

Me: The weirdos are here!

Alice: Let’s have a party!  It will be fun!

Bella: Yeah, like last time.

Sad Trombone: Wah wah wahhhhhhh.

Alice starts having a vision, or maybe constipation. Hard to tell.


Bella Derp Face

Bella Derp Face

Police station.  People are getting killed.

Edward: We’ve been tracking it for a while.

Me: Yeah, no need to tell Bella about this.  Just cause they wanna kill, you know, her.

Bella’s dad comes out.

Edward: Oh yeah, reminding you of the airline ticket I got for your birthday

T1: Really, Edward?

Eddie has gotten her a ticket to Florida to see Mom.  Wait, Florida . . . hot sun . . . vampire . . . sparkletownnnnn.  Yes, go, go, go!

There are two tickets of course.

Girls: Two tickets to paradise!




Bella in Florida.  More mumbling voice over.  What is she saying?

Mom: The way he looks at you.  Like he’s willing to leap and take a bullet for ya.

(Edward staring creepily at them through the window)

T2: Please tell me it’s a silver bullet

More mumbles.  Strip shirts?  Three headed lobster?  Are we in Hogwarts?


I belieeeeve I can flyyyyy!

I belieeeeve I can flyyyyy!

Next we have the whole creepy vampire crew, standing around in the forest.  There is a blue filter in the lens.

T2: Oh, no, more vampire baseball!

T1: It’s Picasso’s blue period!

T2: More staring.  I’m gonna stare the crap outta ya!

Now suddenly they’re running.  After . . .something.

T1: It’s the vampire Olympics!

They’re running after Victoria.  Oh, yeah, the only likable character.

Giant wolves come after her.

Me: Puppies!

They’re flying and hopping all over the place, ricocheting against trees like pinballs.

T2: Batman!  No Spiderman!

Me: Not anywhere as cool.

Victoria leaps over a cavern.  I believvvve I can flyyyyy!


I'm soooo awesommmmme!

I’m soooo awesommmmme!

Oh, now we’re back at school.  Nooooo.  Edward and Bella mumble talk for awhile.

Ed: Mumblemumblemumble

Bella: Mumblemumble mumble?

Ed: Mumble Mumblejumbo.

They get out of the car.  And ka-BAM, music gets louder and JACOB is here in all his abby glory!

T2: Everything is awesommmmme!

Jacob points out that Bella should know wtf is going on.  So should the audience.  At least you can understand Jacob.

Edward: I was trying to protect you

Bella: By lying to me?

Me: Bin-go!

Bella hops on Jacob’s bike.  Eat DIRT vampire!


Sorry, Stephenie made me a jerk in this one . . .

Sorry, Stephenie made me a jerk in this one . . .

Jacob’s place.  Jacob walks over a log.

T2: Hey ya like my log?  I chew on it.

The shirtless crew arrive!  None of the werewolves wear shirts.  It’s a rule.

T1: They got kicked out of school.  Couldn’t conform to dress codes.

There’s a girl werewolf now, but yuck, cause she whines about her broken heart.  And probably her period too!  Apparently they can read minds.  So she can hear their thoughts too.  And they’re teenage boys.  Guess what they’re thinking?  I’d be pissed too.

Jacob explains “imprinting”.  Basically, no free will guys.  You’re just in loves and that’s that!

Jacob: They aren’t even alive

T1: Well, you’re a dogman

Me: Kibbles and bits, kibbles and bits.

T2: About to go woof woof now.

Jacob: I’d rather you be dead than one of them!

Bella: I can’t believe you said that.

T1: Sorry, Stephenie Meyer made me a jerk in this book.


She didn't use Downy . . .

She didn’t use Downy . . .

Creeper guy in Bella’s room.  Figure it’s Edward, but no, another vampire – dude bitten in the beginning.  Grabs her pajamas and sniffs.  And keeps it!

T1: Ewwww.

T2: Did you see the look on his face?

Guy wanders around house.

T1: Dad needs a better security system

Me: He’s not a very good cop . . .

Dude leans over Dad sleeping on couch

T1: Eww don’t kiss him!


Next day Eddie comes in w/ black pupils.

Bella: I know I smell like dog.

Us: Snorrrt

Edward figures out someone has been in Bella’s room.  Genius!


Forget action, let's sit around some more!

Forget action, let’s sit around some more!

Vampire group meeting!  Woot!  Lots of mumbling.  Who could be after Bella?  Gee?

Bella: Victoria?

Alice: Noo I’d have seen it.  (Why didn’t she see all the other stuff?)

Rosalie acts like a jerk to Bella.  I still like Rosalie best.  Bella says dogboy can protect her while they run around aimlessly.

Wolves decide to take over so vamps can hunt.

T1: So now the wolves wanna protect Bella too? Way to get their priorities straight.


Yo, check out my abs.

Yo, check out my abs.

They drive up and there’s Jake doing his model pose.

Edward: Doesn’t he own a shirt?

T1: They save money that way.

Edward sticks his tongue in Bella’s mouth. Subtle!

Jacob hugs her tightly.

Me: Just pee on her already.


Way to ruin the Native Americans, Stephenie!

Way to ruin the Native Americans, Stephenie!

Jacob takes her to a tribal meeting.

Bella: Aren’t their stories secret?

Me: Not after Stephenie got hold of them.

Jacob wrestles with another guy.

T1: Finally boys doing boy stuff!

Elder dude: One day our warriors came across a creature

They show the femmiest pirate vampire dude EVER.  We laugh.  Indians show up wearing potato sacks. Totally freak out.  Indian Hulk Smash! We laugh again.

He's a vampire pirate. And fabulouuuuuussss!

He’s a vampire pirate. And fabulouuuuuussss!

The Native American “third wife” kills herself to distract the vampire.  Oh, oh, movie, don’t give Bella ideas.

Bella  sits there with same doped up expression

T1: Can she ever breathe through her nose?


Back with pajama stealing vamp dude.  Talks to girl.  Smashing heads. Blah.


Back to the stupid vampire council.  They think newborn vampires are after them.  Newborns are like, totes uncontrollable.  And need diapers.  Not really.  But it’d be about as interesting.


Bella back w/Dad who says he’d never stop searching if she were missing.  Oooh guilt trip.


Bella and Eddie.

Bella doesn’t know what to tell family.

Me: Mom and Dad: I am a blood sucking freak. Merry Christmas!

Bella and Eddie smooch smooch


Stupid Love Triangles Presents . . .

Stupid Love Triangles Presents . . .

Jacob and Bella

Jacob: You love me you just don’t know it yet!

Me:  Creeeeeper

T2: Batman or Dogface?  How to choose?

Jacob forces her into kiss.  Bella punches him and breaks hand.

Eddie gets madface and he and Jacob slap fight each other.


Let's just make the movie about Rosalie, huh?

Let’s just make the movie about Rosalie, huh?

Back to vampire council.  Enddddd.  Ennnndddd.  How can we only be 45 minutes in???

Rosalie has her flashback. Why is it the background vampires are all more interesting than Edward or Bella?

 Stay tuned tomorrow for more of, unfortunately, Bella and Edward.  If you dare.

35 responses

  1. Suckage is an appropriate word.

    1. It is indeed. Like a black hole of stupidity.

  2. Mostly, I’m just impressed your kids know Robert Frost.

    1. They know a scary amount of stuff. And make me crack up.

  3. Why do you torture yourself like this?

      1. I’d like to have my brain cells back please.

          1. I do, but the brain cells that knew where it was were lost during the reading of this post.

          2. Sorry, no returns. We’ll let you do an exchange, though. With Kim Kardashian.

          3. Does she even have brain cells?

          4. I never said it was an even exchange.

          5. Sigh…I’m leaving. How do you expect to keep people coming back if this is how you treat them?

  4. This is better that MST2K =) Your girls are hysterical, showed this post to my foxling and she totally agrees ! =) =)

    1. Yay! This comment made my day. I was starting to pout that no one had notice. Okay, I had pouted. But yay!

  5. I would like to watch this vampire-thingy together with your kids :o) …oh, yes, draw a mustache on her , great idea :o)

    1. I thought so! Although her expressions are really dopey enough without the stash.

  6. “And then they all died in a terrible fire. THE END.”

    Oh, wait – that’s not what happens? Fuck.

    1. If only. I would be down for that ending. Maybe I’ll make some Sim characters of Eddie and Bella and drop a satellite on them.

      1. Now THAT I would pay to see.

        1. I did have fun doing that to christian and ana. come to think of it, I wouldn’t even have to get new models. Same thing.

  7. Thanks to you and your offsprings, I can save money by not renting this movie.

  8. I never read the books, but I’ve seen the movies. The first one was tolerable; the second one I could sum up in one sentence: Belle and Edward get married and make a baby; the third one, eh, at least it had some action in it. Which is more than I can say for Stewart’s facial expressions. I think your assessment of constipated sums it up…

    1. Ha, sadly I know that there are 3 looong books before the Bella and Edward make a blood-sucking terror baby book.

      And Kirsten, yes, her vacant expressions and stammering drove me up the wall. And Robert looks like he’s about to either puke or die laughing every time he says a line. And just think, they and Stephenie are billionaires! Yay!

      1. Oops, I forgot there were two movies for the third book. I believe my one-word sentence applies to the first movie of the third book. Shows how memorable it was for me…

  9. When I watched the first movie, I promptly fell asleep, when vampire flicks don’t ever make me fall asleep just like that. That already told me I wasn’t going to like the whole saga. They just kept talking and talking and talking while wearing those sad faces like they can never be happy, like EVER.

    1. I know! Like, let’s sit around and mumble talk. Okay. Now let’s stare and make gaping facial expressions. More sitting around as a group and talking. Talk about how something BAD or plot-like is going to happen, like, any century now. Wander around aimlessly. Stare. Talk some more about the action that is NOT HAPPENING. Have action which lasts roughly five minutes of the entire movie. Back to staring, gaping, and whining. Arghhhhhh!

      And yes, if she’s in love, how come she never, ever smiles?

      1. She does…I think…Or is it just something that resembles a smile? (LOL!!!)…Man, I’d hate to be “imprinted” with anyone of them. So depressing to have them around already, why have them around for a lifetime???

        Personally, I haven’t read the books. Maybe it’s much better. Maybe it even says that Bella smiles for real 😉

        1. Wow. I made another comment here, something more relevant and longer and when I tried to post, I encountered a problem. Bummer. Just like the movie.

  10. We’re crossed in our home & working duo as well. I myself enjoyed all that was Twilight, while Inion said the writing was poor, the story unbelievable, and the acting cheesy! So we always argue on this one. Great post Alice, sharing now! 😉

    1. Well, I admit when I first read it, I didn’t mind it so much. Stephenie writes with this sort of cotton candy like hypnotism. You read 200 pages, look up and say, wait, what did I just read? Then you go back and read some more, and can’t figure out why.

      I went through Twilight like that. I even identified with Bella in New Moon because I had one of those ZOMG I AM IN LOVE AND MY LIFE IS ENDING relationships. The difference is that I grew up. So I think that’s when it started realllly going downhill, when Eddikins came back, and then in the next book he’s taking her battery and Jacob turns into a total jerk too and I’m like, hey, wait a second. And I start looking back over the other two books and going . . . wait,, I was duped! Honestly, if she’d kept it at one book, maybe even two, she’d have been better off, in my opinion anyway.

      And then there came Breaking Dawn and I wished for Eclipse. I never could totally read that one. More like skimmed it and smacked my head into the table.

      1. My God am I talking to Alice or my daughter???Hmmm I do believe they’re one in the same!! You sound identical to Inion my dear. And I can’t wait to repeat your term which by the way was absolutely brilliant description of that series. Cotton Candy hypnotism. Watch! Inion will be using that one for the next freaking month!

  11. Guy who gets it in the opening scene…best character in the movie… Funny, funny.

    1. I loved the way he flopped around and screamed, lol.

  12. You missed handsome dude saying to the 13yo newborn “don’t worry, we’ll find you someone to eat”. That was way cooler than anything Stephanie could have come up with.

    BTW, have you ever watched Twilight with the actors’ commentary on? I strongly suggest you don’t. I tried it and while they’re kind of making fun of the film, they’re showing themselves up as super thick. The part where Jacob tells Bella that “you have to double pump the clutch” on the truck, because it’s a ridiculously old stick shift, I understood. The actors were like “I don’t even know what that means, do you?” And then I wanted to throw something at the telly.

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