Aaaaaand the Things and I are back with part two of the Total Eclipse of the Stupid. Enjoy while we go try to scrub out our brains. Click here for part one.
More new vamp dude. Something’s coming. Let’s get to ittttt! Volturi (head honcho vamps in black cloaks) are standing by
Girl vamp: People will think we’re ineffective.
Me: You arrrrrrrre.
Graduation: We see Bella’s “friend” who actually has sense and looks forward to something besides Edwarrrrd OMGGGGG. What a jerk.
T1: Good thing we didn’t have to see Bella’s speech
Me: She didn’t have one. She majored in Edward.
Bella is most boring party guest ever. Jacob comes by to say “Sorry for assaulting you, here’s a gift”. Alice has another vision that the vampire army is coming (they are all sniffin’ Bella’s PJs). In four more days. Kill me now.
We have ANOTHER vampire council. Forget action, how about more talking!
They are “playing with the blind spots in Alice’s vision.” Yeah blind spots big enough to dump a truck through. Both Edward and Jacob are willing to sacrifice everyone else in their groups all for Bella. Oy.
So meeting with vamps and wolves. Sigh. Eddie sees Bella’s gift from Jacob.
T1: Just shut up about it already
Mercifully he does. So the new vamps are more powerful because their human blood lingers in their tissues. Wait, what? Vampires are stronger than humans and oh, just, nevermind. Vampires practice fight.
T2: Vampire / Wolf montage!!
Bella pets Jacob.
T1: I want a cute, cuddly boyfriend!
Jasper tells his backstory as a Confederate soldier. Yup, now wondering why Steph didn’t write the dang books about the other vampires. That would be bearable.
Oh, crap, we’re back with Bella lying around with Edward. It would really suck not to ever sleep, especially around her. They mouth breathe and stammer and stare and Bella says “Maybe Alice can’t see it cause Victoria is hiding behind someone else making the decision.” As in, one more plot hole for Alice’s visions, dude.
T1: Hey, Bella is actually, like, processing things now.
Short scene with new vamp dude (no need to name him) and Victoria. Why can’t we have more Victoria, movie?
Edward is leaving to go – sit around and think about Victoria or whatever.
Bella: You take all the risks
Edward: If it’s Victoria involved (duh), I need to get you as far away as possible.
Me: Like, except when you left her totally at her mercy in the last movie?
Bella: It’s dangerous for us to be apart
T1: That’s true, she tried to kill herself last time.
Edward: I can’t make you choose between me and your family
T1: What? Bella did it no probs.
Jacob shows up. Bella says stuff. Jacob poses.
T1: Whatever. I’m hot.
Edward and Jasper make stinky jokes about dogboy. They decide Jacob will carry Bella around cause Jacob stinks. Or something.
T1: Rock a bye Bel-la
Me: Why can’t Bella just walk close to him? Why carry her?
T1: She could just rub his armpit sweat all over herself
More yammering about how Jacob thinks Bella really loves him and she says no and they walk and yammer and helpppp.
Bella comes back . . . wait, why? She’s at her dad’s house. He is having fun with Alice, who is clearly a better daughter than Bella.
Alice yammers something about their plan, still not making sense. Camping, sleepovers, hunting, wait, what?
Bella talks with Dad. Hey Dad, how come you didn’t remarry? Hey Dad, here’s some more salt for your wound. Dad says she should wait much much later to marry. Yes. Please. Dad tries to bring up “intimacy” and Bella’s all “ewww gross.”
Bella: Dad – I’m a virgin!
Dad freaks out a little.
T1: Finally she acts like a real teenager. I think she smiled.
Bella goes to Edward’s. Arghhh, when are they going to have something happen? Anything?
Edward: Why are you outside?
Bella looks like she’s doing the potty dance.
T1: I have to go potty.
They go in a room with a bed
Bella: There’s a bed. (genius!)
More mumbling and staring and huffing and puffing and Bella goes smoochyface.
Bella: I want youuuu. I wanna have sex as a human.
T1: Fast forward, fast forward!
They make out – in fast forward. Then Eddie stops cause he wants to protect her soul. No sexy times before marriage!
Me: Yeah, protect her soul until he uh, turns her into a vampire. Right.
T1: Whaaat? Gross, Bella’s the one who wants this?
Me: This is NOT the way it normally goes. It’s usually the guy.
We fast forward past the rest of the angsty muttering, then have to go back cause we missed the proposal. Eddie is talking about asking her dad’s permission (say whaat?) and getting down on one knee.
T1: He looks like he’s about to puke.
He gives Bella his mom’s ring he somehow still had. He asks if she’ll do him the “extraordinary honor” of marrying him – while looking like he might vomit any second.
Bella: Yeah, okay.
Fangirls everywhere squeal with delight!
Back to nameless guy and Victoria.
NG: Hey, we’ve been tearing the place up and the Cullens haven’t done squat.
Me: Exactly the problem I’m having. NOTHING IS HAPPENING.
Smoochy times with NG and Victoria. Sadly, they had to add this to the movie (and all other Victoria and newborn vampire scenes) because even that much action was not happening in the book.
Bella walks around pricking her finger on bushes in the woods. I wish she’d pass out like Sleeping Beauty.
Edward: Your blood doesn’t bother me anymore cause I totes thought you were dead.
Say whaat? He’s still a freaking vampire . . . oh wait.
T1: Can I just have a tiny lick? Pleaseee
Me: Finger lickin’ good
Bella: We should wait to tell Jacob we’re engaged
T1: Yeah cause he’ll eat you otherwise.
Jacob comes up.
T1: Bella still wants to cheat on Edward with Jacob
Me: Who wouldn’t?
Jacob runs off carrying Bella again. Still not sure why. He clearly shows his underpants. Eddie watches and. . . sparkles!
Vampire army walking through the water. Come onnnnn, there’s so many of youuu. Kill them, kill them!
Jacob brings Bella to campsite with Edward. Pouts because no one talked about his abs.
Sudden monster snow storm comes out of nowhere! Plot convenience playhouse presents! Bella is freezing cold. Her buck teeth are chattering. Edward is all what do I do? Well, your ice cubeness isn’t gonna help her.
Jacob comes in and Edward says like no way and Jacob says “I’m hotter than you.”
T1: Snuggle times!
Jacob is totally a portable heater. Eddie is not happy. Jacob and Edward have another peeing contest over Bella.
Jacob: When you thought she was dead, how did you cope?
Me: Tried to kill myself, yups. Kids, remember, if your true love leaves, kill yourself.
T1: Mommy, tilt your head and look at the screen. It’s way cooler.
Me: They look black and glowy. Hey, yeah it does look cooler.
T1: We are way bored, Mommy.
Jacob overhears Eddie talkin’ marriage. Uh oh, wolf ears.
Bella runs after Jacob. Actually shouts. Something besides a mumble?
Bella: No, Jake, stay!
T1 and T2: Stay, stay boy
Me: Now roll over. Good boy!
Jacob’s all ready to kill himself until Bella says the right thing – yeah, um, not manipulative at all, are we?
Bella: Kiss me
They make out.
T2: You taste like kibbles and bits!
Jacob: I gotta go
T1: Gotta go peeee. My leg is liftingggg!
She turns around. Eddie is standing there. Oooooh snap!
T2: Burrrrn, Burrrn!
Eddie: You love him
Bella: I love you more
Cullens and more realistic vampires run at each other – yayyy something happening! Pause it and ohhhh, ewww.
T1: It’s vampire football now!
Meanwhile, takes two seconds for Vicki to figure out where Bella is after all this running around aimlessly. She and no name go up against Eddikins. She sends no name first. I’m thinking, yay, fight, but instead we get Edward talking to no name:
Eddie: She doesn’t love you.
Vicki: Yes I doooo.
Eddie: No, she totes doesn’t, I like read minds.
Vicki: Nooo don’t believe him. I lurrrve you for realz.
Finally Jacob comes and gets a new chew toy. Yay!
Edward taunts Vicki and she goes freaky and they fight for two seconds. We root for Vicki. Edward chops down tree with head and Vicki falls with it.
Bella gets the brilliant idea to cut her arm for distraction. I knew she shouldn’t have heard the story about the third wife! Yay, Bella can be a distraction! She’s a HERO! Although, come to think of it, couldn’t the third wife have just cut her arm instead of killing herself? Nevermind.
Edward breaks Victoria. We all cry. Editing is so bad they have Victoria with her eyes open in one frame, then another frame her eyes are closed. Porcelain corpses close their eyes?
T2: Eddie’s gonna mount her head on his wall
Edward tears a strip of Bella’s shirt off for a bandage. Cut to Jake. He’s like man, you’re supposed to take your whole shirt off, dude!
Eddie throws lighter on Victoria
T2: Hunka Hunka Burnin’ Vic!
Alice has vision of Volturi floatin’ around, pretendin’ to be awesome. Vampire attacks Jacob. Jacob’s body goes snap, crackle, pop. Wolves take him away. Volturi show up.
T1: Just kill Bella already
Volturi chick sees the little girl vampire that just turned herself in. She beats her up with Jedi, er, vampire mind tricks. Then has her friend kill her. Oh, yay, child killing. Thank you, Stephenie Meyer.
Immediately cut scene to wolves hanging out by truck.
T1: Now to the tailgate partyyyy!
Doc vampire is fixing him (eeearghhhhhhh!). Bella goes to Jacob
T1: I wish .. . I could show you my abs.
Me: They are all brokey.
Jacob is sweating all over.
Jacob: Bella . . .
T1; I need a towel . . .
T1: I just figured it out – it’s Old Yeller! Jake’s a dog and sacrificed for her!
Me: Now let’s shoot him.
Jacob and Bella blah blah feelings blah blah.
T1: What is all this? He’s not dying.
Me: His heart is . . . breaaaaaking
T1: Oh barf.
Annnnd we’re back in the meadow w/ Edward and Bella. No! No, they’re starting it all over again noooooo!
Bella: We’ll have the wedding in August – that’s a month before my birthday so I won’t be any older than you.
Cause THAT’S how you choose when to make a lifetime commitment. Based on not being older than eighteen.
Edward: Who knows who Alice will invite to the wedding if she plans it?
T1: It’s alright. Bella has no friends.
Edward: You’re trying to make everyone happy.
T1: No, she’s not.
Me: Not even close.
Bella: I’ve had to face death, and loss, and pain.
Bella: I’ve always been out of step.
Soooo that means you’re meant to be a vampire, all awkward teens. Remember that.
More mushy mumbles. End. Ennnnnnnnnnnd!
Bella: We have to tell Charlie (That’s her dad. She can’t say dad cause she’s a jerk) Good thing you’re bullet proof.
Me: Darn it all.
Eddie puts ring on Bella’s finger. It ends. Yes! HOooooooray!