Monthly Archives: April, 2014

25 Days of the Gambler

Well, Twindaddy is doing this challenge where you talk about songs and what they meant to you and crap like that.  Or something.  All I know is that it means prompts for like 25 days so everyone cheer.  Oh woot.

My happy message for the day.

My happy message for the day.

I figure I can crank out 25 songs based on that, and every one will be the Gambler.  Know when to hold ’em.  Right, so here are the prompts if you’re stupid enough to play along.

Because I care.

Because I care.

Oh yeah prompts.

Gambler, Gambler, Gambler, Cats in the Cradle, Gambler, If You Like Pina Coladas, Gambler.

Gambler, Smells Like Teen Spirit, Cats in the Cradle, Highway to Hell, Gambler, If You Like Pina Coladas, Gambler.

Go to Twindaddy’s blog for more information. Cause I really can’t be bothered.  Oh, look, another random Grumpy Cat gif.

He has a point.

He has a point.

So get ready for . . . whatever.  If you want to join in for some strange reason, go to his blog and you can get more details that might actually matter.  Here’s another old friend.

I can kick Grumpy Cat's ass.  I'm just too tired today.

I can kick Grumpy Cat’s butt. I’m just too tired today.

There should be some way to end this post . . .

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Work in the Age of Anxiety

Earlier I wrote about getting old and how it seemed to happen without me realizing it.  Something else is happening to me.   I have a problem with work.  I have a good job with benefits and a salary and coworkers that aren’t total asshats.  But . . . I find myself unable to do my work most of the time.  My mind jumps from place to place.  The idea of even getting started on the project I need to work on makes me ill.  Every extension is just another excuse to put it off some more.

Hello, Peter, my old friend.

Hello, Peter, my old friend.

If I go to the doctor, I’ll be back on the medicine-go-round and I’m not too keen on that.  So I have to figure out another way.  But the cards are stacked against me.  The pulmonologist helpfully told me that asthma makes you anxious and anxiety can trigger asthma, oh yay!  So either way I’m screwed. Right now I have nerves hop hop hopping like the freaking Easter Bunny.  Yet I’m sitting here.  Typing out a blog post.  Oh, yes, I can see the exhibit I should be working on, or what crumbs I’ve managed to form together, but I really don’t know what I’m doing on it.  At all.  The idea of even looking at it fill me with dread.  I want to climb up a tree and hide in a hole like, like . . .

I'm baaaaaack!

I’m baaaaaack!

I used to have ambition.  It’s gone.  Did I say this already?  It seems like maybe I already posted this.  Oh, who the hell cares, here it is again.  I think Aussa of Hacker, Ninja, Hooker, Spy said it best.  The years of your job are like the years of high school.  Observe:

“Year 1 at Your New Job (Freshman): You have great hopes for your future, you take notes, show up everyday and are there on time.

Year 2 at Your Job (Sophomore): While you retain a certain semblance of ambition you’ve learned exactly which corners to cut and how little you have to do in order to get by.

Year 3 at Your God Awful Job (Junior): You’re pretty sure that you’re doing everyone a favor by showing up.

Years 4-40 at the hell hole where you’re probably going to die (Senior):  If you can’t find a good enough parking spot, you’re probably going to just go back home and get in bed.”

This is sheer genius here (I’m a senior!) and exactly how I feel about my current job, especially considering how difficult it is to find parking.  So I wonder – is this just a depression / anxiety thing or does everyone feel this way?  Is it a universal thing, like high school?  I mean, it’s not like I have a horrible boss or terrible working conditions or too much of a workload.  In fact, I could do with a little more supervised work because I am freaking terrible about it on my own.  Just look at my house and you can see how well I did at cleaning once my parents quit telling me to do it.

Kind of like this, only all over the entire house.

Kind of like this, only all over the entire house.

So I sit here frozen.  Well frozen except for typing.  Work.  I should really do some work.  In a minute.  Yeah.  I’ll look at it in a minute.  How many minutes till I go home now?  Oh, crap.

So tell me – how many of you like your jobs?  How many of you are bored as heck?  How many of you have anxiety about work yet feel unable to do anything about it? I know I should feel appreciative that I even have a job, and insurance, and all of that but I find myself freaking out more and more and more and I wonder how much longer I can keep this up.  Does anyone else worry about how long they can hang in there?

Let me know in the comments below. You know I’ll be reading them.  Otherwise I’d have to be working.

Alice

P.S. Help meeeeeeee.

Wheel of Thrones

Welcome to the Game of Thrones!  The Survival game show where everyone fights to sit on the pointiest throne ever!  But who will get voted off this week?  Will we vote off the evil, useless people or the few noble ones for shock value?  Let’s find out while we playyyyyy the Game of Thrrrronnnnnes! (cue applause track)

Losers die horrible deaths!  Winner gets . . . this!

Losers die horrible deaths! Winner gets . . . this!

Let’s meet our contestants.

The Stark Family

Come on everybody, SMILE!

Come on everybody, SMILE!

First off is Ned who has just arrived on the island (King’s Landing).  He’s a good, noble lord who only chops off heads when there’s a good, noble reason for it.  Like someone ran away from a horde of zombie monsters.  He’s joined by his wife Catelyn, who likes to shout out accusations of treason to very dangerous people with power and weapons.  Also we have the Stark children: Jon (the pouting bastard who went to guard a big wall), another brother Robb (left home to babysit the house), Sansa (whiny teenager), Arya (cute little girl with a deadly sword to play with), and Bran (the obnoxious paralyzed kid who remembers squat).  And I think there’s another brother, but who cares?  What are their chances?  Here?  Oh, yeah, they’re screwed.

The Lannister Family

No idea where this picture comes from, but it's fun anyway.

No idea where this picture comes from, but it’s fun anyway.

Now here is a group of contenders, because sociopaths, while insane, are pretty good at getting what they want.  Jaime is an obnoxious twit who gets the honor of guarding the king’s chamber while the king bangs prostitutes instead of his actual wife, Jaime’s sister, Cersei.  But that’s okay, cause Jaimie bangs her for him.  They have three children (oh ew), Joffrey (the demon seed) and two other kids no one cares about.  Finally, there’s Tyrion, brother to the pyscho twins.  He’s a dwarf, but don’t count him out cause he’s smarter than most of the cast (not that hard) and also, he’s awesome.  His hobbies are avoiding his insane family, playing with prostitutes, and peeing off tall walls.

The Baratheon Family

Some things are best left unknown . . .

Some things are best left unknown . . .

King Robert is a fatty who likes to put the kingdom in debt by spending money he doesn’t have on war games that get people killed.  So kind of like most of our presidents, only he’s even more brazen about the prostitutes.  His wife, Cersei, wants her little freak son on the throne.  She tells him everyone else is “the enemy”.  Great parenting there.  Joffrey Baratheon is not really a Baratheon, but he’s in line for the throne anyway because either the king is too dumb to realize the kid is way too blond to be his, or he just doesn’t care because he doesn’t want to go near the ice bitch.

The Targeryen Family

Vis: I'm prettier than youuuu . . . Dany: Oh shut up.

Vis: I’m prettier than youuuu . . .
Dany: Oh shut up.

Older brother Vivisection is a sniveling, skinny creeper who sold his sister for a barbarian army that thinks he’s an asshat.  Good play there, Rat Nose.  His sister, Dany, is getting braver, and shows it by halting the army so she can go potty or something.  While wandering off, her brother tries to kill her and nearly gets killed himself by the barbarians until she spares him.  You know the others wanted to vote him off SO BAD.  She figures out she’s preggers with a boy (cause she just KNOWS, okay?)  Dany gets naked a lot, so she’s not likely to get voted off too soon.

So there we have our main contenders so far.  There are several others introduced, but I don’t remember their names, and don’t feel like looking them up.  One new guy is called Littlefinger, which just sounds icky.  He’s  the “master of coin” (cause treasurer is just not fancy enough) who I like to call Weasel Boy.  He owns a brothel and slimes into several scenes.  I hate him already.

Hellloooo, can I slime your way?

Hellloooo, girls.  They call me Weasel Boy!

Also we have several guys who hang out at the wall.  We want them at this wall!  We need them at this wall!  Cause there are ice zombies and stuff!  And eventually we’ll see one do something.  Trust us!

All in all, they're just another brick in the wall.

All in all, they’re just another brick in the wall.

Oh, and by the way, winter is coming.  Just in case you forgot.

Now for a song!  To the tune of Happy Days.

Not sure . . . he might be one of the Starks too. Eyyyyyyy!

Not sure . . . he might be one of the Starks too.
Eyyyyyyy!

Game of Thrones Days

Psychos, creepers, Game of Thrones

Bitches, Whiners, Game of Thrones

Rapists, Murderers, Game of Thrones

The winter comes, with sex and violence

Golly this is such a fun show!

 

Their days are shorrrrrrrt

Full of nastiness (oh sucky days!)

Their days are shorrrrrrrt

Watch ’em die with me (oh sucky days!)

 Season 1, Episode 3

Death Toll: Sadly o (I think?)

Nakey Toll: A few bare boobs in the brothel.  Half of Dany.

Becoming Old

I’m not sure when I got old.  For most of my life I’ve been the youngest.  I was the little sister.  My birthday is in June, so I was the youngest in my class.  When I became a teaching assistant in grad school I was the youngest TA at 22.  Then when I became a reference assistant at a public library at 25, I was the youngest reference assistant.  Later when I started working at another public library, I was one of the youngest employees there as well.  When I first got my current job, I was one of the youngest.

Than came Young Alice.  I call her Young Alice because she has my name.  Which is unfair, because I had it first.  Not only that, she has a job that makes way more money than mine makes.  While filling in,  I decided I really wouldn’t like that job because you get a lot more students expecting you to help them, whereas at the moment I work on the far end of the second floor and no one comes here unless they really, really want to, or more likely, they’re extremely lost.  So it’s not like I’m jealous of her position per say.  But her age disturbs me.

Hi, I'll be your new coworker.

Hi, I’ll be your new coworker.

You see, Young Alice is almost 12 years younger than I am.  How is that possible when most of the time I feel like I’m 12, even though  my eldest child is almost 14?  And these babies are just going to keep coming because I keep getting older while new people continue to be born and get jobs and crap.  WTF.  This is not the way I ever pictured it.  You never picture growing old when you’re young.  It’s like, I will be this way FOREVER, yay!

Young Alice is where I was so many years ago.  Young, idealistic, full of energy.  I realize now why some women get really irritated at younger women.  It’s like, will you get older and get jaded with life already?  But honestly, I bear Young Alice no ill will.  I don’t want to be that age again.  I’d like to have that energy and awesome metabolism, sure, but you couldn’t pay me to go back to 26.

Will you please lose all hope already?

I do not share your enthusiasm.

I like where I am now, because – dare I say it – I actually have a little wisdom to offer.  I offer it to my children, all the time.  Know when to hold ’em, I say.  Know when to fold ’em.  I talk to them about my values, and why I have them, while trying to precariously balance between telling them how I feel and telling them what they should feel.  Yet it really is a gift to be able to offer the younger generation some of what you’ve learned.  It’s something that some of my former bosses, as bitter as they were, didn’t get because they were busy being jealous of that all revered youth.  Youth is fleeting, but intelligence (or dumbness) is not.  It’s with you forever, or at least until you start losing your memory and pooping in your pants again.  Okay, that wasn’t a great endorsement for growing older.

Sure,  there is a lifetime ahead of me of working at a job that – no matter how much it fits me – is going to be long and boring a lot of the time.  And eventually I’ll get gray hairs and wrinkles – I think I may have some wrinkles on my forehead though I try not to look too hard.  Because then I see the very faint mustache that no one else notices but me.  I hope.  So far my kids appreciate what I have to offer, though I’m well aware there will come a day when, as my mother has said, I will turn into Cassandra from Greek Mythology.  She knew the future, but no one believed her.  Welcome to the teenage years.

Ah, teenagers.

OMGawd you do not understand meeee!

I am becoming living history.   I remember the Oklahoma City bombing and the babies that died.  I remember 9/11 and the terror we felt.  I remember what it was like to carry two babies inside me.  I remember what it was like to be a young mom, poor and half-insane from sleep deprivation.  I remember what it was like to fail, to feel hopeless, and to rise back again.

Everything that has happened to me, good and bad, has shaped who I am now.  I’ve accomplished a lot.  I’ve also made a lot of mistakes – but not nearly enough.  Because I’ve been afraid to try.  I don’t want my kids to be afraid.  I have the power to help them with that.  And one day, if I’m lucky, I’ll live long enough to be a grumpy old bag that goes to the library and annoys the crap out of people but gets away with it cause isn’t she sweet?  Young Alice may be the one helping me find that elusive book that doesn’t exist cause I just made up.

Get me that damn book, I'm old.

Get me that damn book, I’m old.

Till then, there’s a lot of life left to do.  Time to get to it.  As soon as I’m done watching this youtube video with cats.

The Angryface Monster

I know I seem like all sweetness and light and fairy ponies and purple sunshine and all that crap most of the time.

WTF do you want, pinkie?

WTF do you want, pinkie?

But sometimes I feel – less than that.  Sometimes I feel sad.  Other times I feel ANGRY.  Murderous even.  I’ve been known to throw steel toed boots.  Yeah, I know, hard core there.  I’m just tired, and tired of being tired, and tired of being mixed up, and tired of people not really listening to me, or listening but not really.  Like what do I have to do to get people to take notice?

Here's an idea.

Here’s an idea.

Like, seriously, this whole adulthood thing?  It sucks.  No one tells you that as a kid.  But it does.  I mean, sure, there are some fun things like not going to public school anymore and how you can NOT do the laundry if you don’t feel like it but then you have no clothes, so there are all these consequences and they SUCK.  And while there’s no school, you still have to go to a job or something stupid like that, and chances are, your job SUCKS too if only cause they make you do work and you feel like your soul just got sucked out through a silly straw.  You no longer care about changing the world or advancing you just want to get paid and have people LEAVE YOU THE FUCK ALONE.

But do they?  No.  They keep on existing and stuff, and it’s irritating.  And it’s long.  Eight hours of your day.  Day after day after month after year after the REST OF YOUR LIFE until you retire but wait you can’t no you will die at your desk bwahahahahaha.

After 5 billion hours of work, the ancient library heals over and dies of boredom.

After 5 billion hours of work, the ancient librarian heals over and dies of boredom.

But it’s not that bad.  I mean, you aren’t in Africa where there’s no food.  You have lots of food – that you can eat and eat and eat until you weigh 600 pounds which they say is bad for you, but hey, you can weigh almost nothing and on that BMI chart (Bullshit Measurement by Idiots) still be overweight.  Not sure what that means for the ones who really are 600 pounds.  Maybe they just spontaneously combust.

And you talk to peeps and they are all “Well don’t change anything” or “You aren’t supposed to be happy” or “kids in Africa have no Happy Meals” or “What about my wart, huh?” or “I’m watching the 10th spin off of Dudes with Cars”.  And then you wonder – is this as good as it gets?  And you feel sad.  But really it’s not sad.  It’s anger, bottled up, at all those people who don’t listen, and tell you to go back to your box.  And it looks something like this.

Kindergarten drawing by Alice

Alice channeling her inner demonic toddler

I call him the Angryface Monster, and he is my little friend.  He kills for me in my daydreams and I love him forever and ever AMEN.  Do you guys have an Angryface Monster?  Do you ever let it out?  Was it violent?  Did you get even with the friend, spouse, boss, garbage can, whatever?  Let me know in the comments below.  Mr. Angryface Monster and I will wait.  In the shadows.  Right behind you.

Unless I let out the monster and then I go to jail and stuff.  Then I’ll be there.  You can be my one phone call!

Love and kisses,

Alice

P.S.  I have considered possibly trying to move from full time at an academic library to part time back at the public library (my evil former boss retired – DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD) but it is much less money and back on crappy insurance but there is more time and maybe a little more purpose but you have to suck it up and work for minimum with teens and not sure I want to do that or not.  Any of you faced a choice like this?

 

Days of our Thrones

We're baaack!

We’re baaack!

Wowsers. Recalling an episode of Game of Thrones is about as easy as recalling an episode of Days of Our Lives. Come to think of it, there are actually quite a few similarities. I mean, you have all these family lines to keep track of, and who hates who, and who slept with who, and who killed who, yadda yadda. Also, we can’t forget good old Satan, who starred in both Days of Our Lives

What's funny, is Marlena was like, a shrink AND possessed by Satan.

And Game of Thrones.

joffrey

I know a lot happened in this episode, but mostly I recall Tyrion (the dwarf and best character EVER) slapping the crap out of Joffrey. Also King Robert saying to his son “You let this little girl unarm you?” as Joffrey whimpers. But I suppose I should talk about the other stuff too.

But seriously, Tyrion slapping Joffrey was the best part of the whole damn episode.  Here’s a clip:

So like, what else happened?  I actually had to go look up the wiki, because I’d already lost track and I HAD JUST WATCHED THE EPISODE.  First off, we have the Dork-rakey, wait, the Dothraki, (the barbarian dudes led by Khal Drogo, he of the hunky muscles, grunts, and Cover Girl eyeliner) traveling um, somewhere.  Presumably to King’s Landing (that’s like, where the king lives, duh) so Vesuvius (checks Wiki) Viserys can take over the throne.  That’s the creeper who sold his sister (I’m just gonna save some grief and call her Dany) into slavery to get the army led by Johnny Depp on steroids.  Got it?  No?  Good.

Do you smell somethin?  Oh, it's me. Grunt.

Do you smell somethin? Oh, it’s me. Grunt.

There’s also this other guy, named Jorah (I only know his name cause Wiki) who is traveling with them because . . . I don’t know.  He tells Dany that sure it will be okay, cause like, he doesn’t have to have Bruno there pounding into him every night.  No probs!

Then we go back to Ned Stark’s fam, and Ned’s wife is all whiny cause her husband left her again and like last time he did, he came back with another kid for her to raise.  She really hates poor Jon, who tries to look endearing by standing around and pouting a lot.  He plans to join the Night’s Watch, which is a bunch of dudes who guard this big wall and never get laid.  Sounds fun!

Aw, he's so cuuute!

Aw, Jon is so cuuute!  Yes he issss!

Bran Stark, the little boy who likes to climb walls and just got pushed off of one, is in a coma.  I wonder if they’re gonna do a magic brain transplant, cause that would be cool.  Oh, and I missed this part because the disk from the library skipped, but Ned’s wife decides to follow Ned and tell him that she thinks the Lannisters (that’s the family with the twincest, Joffrey, and somehow the very cool Tyrion) tried to murder Bran.  Ned’s wife is an idiot.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Back with Khal Beefcake and the Barbarians, Dany is getting tired of the pounding so asks a sex slave (re: prostitutes for everyone!) for advice on how to pleasure her hubby.  Don’t get excited guys, no boobies were shown.  Dany uses her advice to take a ride on Beefcake this time.  Cause if you look in his eyes, you can totally make a raping barbarian fall in love with you.  No, for reals!

This is totes original, guys!

This is totes original, guys!

Meanwhile, Ned Stark travels to King’s Landing with his daughters, which turns out to be an awesome idea.  While on a romantic walk with older sister Sansa, Prince Joffrey cuts up a kid’s cheek, threatens to kill the younger daughter, tomboy Arya, and ends up getting bitten by Arya’s pet doggie.  Score one for the Dire Wolf.  Except Joffrey being a little prat, whines to Queen Mommy.  The king, after insulting him (woot) decides oh heck, let’s just kill any old dog and maybe my wife will shut the hell up.  So Ned gets to go kill Sansa’s dog.  Sansa is kinda ticked at her sister, cause she like ruined EVERYTHING.  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Sansa Stark

Sansa Stark

There is a good scene with Jon and Tyrion, where Jon asks why Tyrion reads all the time.  Yeah, like, that’s SO LAME.  Tyrion says “My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer and I have my mind…and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge.

THIS LIBRARIAN LOVES TYRION.

Dear God, I'm so awesome.

Dear God, I’m so awesome.

So that’s pretty much it.  Oh, wait, Bran Stark wakes up at the end, of course.  Now that’s it.  I think.  My brain hurts.  Oh, but I promised you a theme song.  It’s not as long as the last one, but it’s the best I could do.

Here we go, this time to The Facts of Life

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

The Game of Thrones 

You take the gross

You take the bad

You take the nude

And there ya have

The Game of Thrones

The Game of Thrones

I worked a Tootie reference into Game of Thrones.  Life is now complete.  Thoughts?  Confusion? Cookies?

One more thing – thanks to the wiki, I have a death toll for each episode.  Helpful, cause you lose track.  I’ve decided to add my own nakey toll as well.

Season 1 Episode 2

Death toll: 3 (including a little boy and a little girl’s doggie!)

Nakey toll: 1 (beefcake’s butt)

 

National Go Away Creeper Day

Hey Creeper

You’re so gross

You’re so ick

You make me sick

Hey, Creeper!  Hey Creeper!

Oh, creeper, you're so . . . yikes.

Oh, creeper, you’re so . . . yikes.

Oh, hello there.  Just making up new lyrics to the most intellectual and highbrow of songs, “Hey Mickey.”  Why?  Because it is National Go Away Creeper Day.  You didn’t know this?  Well, mark it down.  And prepare your gifs.

It's sure to catch on.  Mark your calendars.

In case any of you are wondering if you’re creepers, you probably aren’t.  Creepers don’t realize they creep.  Sometimes they leave mean comments.  Sometimes they steal your ideas and use them on their blogs.  Sometimes they just . . . keep . . . showing up.  And say odd things that really can’t be responded to because . . . dude is nuts.  And on WordPress, there’s just really no sure way to shake them off your leg.

The only real creeper I’ve ever had was the (Liiiink Drop!)  Dragon Tales guy.  And all his friends.  Unless it really is just one person giving me all those hits looking up various versions of the words “dragon tales”.  And reading that post I wrote reviewing the show over and over and over and over.  I’m not sure which is worse.  One person having enough time to be that deranged on his own, or one person leading an army of whacked out minions.

Just . . . stop . . . stop it now!

Just . . . stop . . . stop it now!

But I’ve had friends who have experienced Creeper-ness.  I‘ve written about this before, (Link Drop #2!) but it’s Friday, I have no ideas, and yeah friends are still being bothered by these guys.  So I’m getting to a point where I think I’m really gonna start sending out my Anti-Awards, of which this is a favorite.

Sending Golum your way!

Sending Golum your way!

Are you tired of creepers?  Yeah?  I can’t hear you!  I still can’t hear you cause you’re typing from far away!  Anyhoo, if you hate creepers, you can put the creeper sign (either one) on your blog to show your support against creepers.  Or not. You know, if you’re a creeper.  Or something.

On this special day, do any of you have stories about how you handled blog creepers?  If so, let me know in the comments below.

Alice Watches Game of Thrones

Okay, so I wrote a post mocking Game of Thrones already, but I hadn’t actually seen it because cheap.  But then I saw that they had season one at the library, so I figured it definitely beat doing the dishes, and I checked it out.  I watched the first episode last night.  I was going to give you a summary, but I thought it might be better if I put it to the tune of “The Brady Bunch.”  Here you go.

Everybody sing!

Everybody sing!

The Game of Thrones Bunch

It’s the story

of a man named Ned Stark

who was bringing up five kids and a bastard

All the sons they had dark hair

Like their father

Kinda hard to tell them apart.

 

It’s the story

of a king named Robert

Who was bringing up three kids who weren’t his own

That’s because his wife Cersei

banged her brother

It’s really kinda gross.

 

It’s the story

of a girl named Dany

whose brother was a really big creeper

he sold her to a barbarian

wearing makeup

like Johnny Depp on steroids

 

It’s the story

of a drawf named Tyrion

who is definitely the best character

He gets all of the best lines

and has a big peen

He likes to drink and whore

 

It’s the story

of a bunch of prostitutes

who love being nakey and gig-gi-ling

they have lots and lots of sex

and totes enjoy it

Cause prostitution’s fun!

 

It’s the story

of a bunch of zombies

who murder, maim and frolic in the woods

they are really kind of cool

but people tell me

they hardly ever show up

 

It’s the story

by a dude named Martin

that critics say is the next JR Tolkien

Tolkien’s stood the test of time

Unlike Martin

So that’s a bunch of crap.

 

And then one day when the king

he came to Lord Ned

And he asked him to be his right hand man

It’s a very risky job and most dudes die quick

And besides all that there is no dental plan

 

The Game of Thrones

The Game of Thrones

That’s how it goes so far

On the Game of Thrones

 

I know, that should totally replace the admittedly cool theme song they have right now.  And I’ll also admit, the first episode wasn’t bad.  It started with a zombie girl pinned to a tree and ended with another kid being pushed out a window, but who likes kids anyway?  They’re seriously annoying.  I’m told he kills off most of his characters, but at the moment I can’t say I’ll be all that sad if a larger percentage of them die, except the dwarf.  Then all bets are off.

Anyhoo, since I’m clearly going to keep watching this mess for a while, is there anyone who would like me to give it more coverage?  I mean, I need breaks of fictional asshattery in between the “real life” asshattery.  What do ya think?

 

Alice talks to Cleverbot

cleverbot267x126

The other day my daughters introduced me to Cleverbot.   According to the source of all knowledge, Wikipedia, “Cleverbot is a web application that uses an artificial intelligence algorithm to converse with humans. It was created by the British AI scientist Rollo Carpenter, who also created Jabberwacky, a similar web application. It is unique in the sense that it learns from humans, remembering words within its AI.”  So kids talk to it at school.  Keep in mind what I just said.  Cleverbot learns from humans.  What kind of stuff do you think kids ask it on a regular basis?

Judging from the bizarre things I asked it, I can only imagine what your average school kid asks.   The other day I spoke with Cleverbot with the girls watching.  I happened to be having a bad day, so I repeatedly threatened to kill Cleverbot.  At one point he *died*, then came back to life and killed me.  Far out.  Anyway, the kids encouraged me to record another conversation for you with Cleverbot, and since I have nothing else going on I love my children, I figured, why not?  I already talk about myself in third person, so talking to computers is the next step down the road to total cray-cray.  Here we go.  I swear I am not making up any of Cleverbot’s answers, which are highlighted in bold.

By the way, I’m at work, and so I still want to kill the little AI creep.

 

I'll teach you to talk to me like that!

I’ll teach you to talk to me like that!

Who are you?

A boy.

How do you know?

Je suis justin bieber, je parle très bien le francais.

Are you Justin Bieber?

Yes.

I hate you.

Why?

Because you’re an irritating little twit.

I’m just imitating you 🙂

Okay, now you’re going down.

I always was.

Prepare to die.

You already have

No. I’m going to kill you.

Okay.

Well it’s nice that you’re agreeable about it.

Thank you.

Die now.

Wow.

Bang, bang.

What is the meaning of life?

Donuts

What does donuts have to do with a boost?

It has to do with me killing you.

So the grass is ugly?

You’re insane.

You’re insance.

Die die die die die!

When did your cat die?

Not the cat. You did.

The cake isn’t a lie?

I left the cake out in the rain.

Maybe you meant to and you just forgot.

I think you are from Wonderland.

No. I haven’t been there before.

Now you’re going to hell!

So you do have lips.

Why won’t you just die?

I am.

You’re dying?

Why would you say that?

I am hitting you with a hammer.

You are?

*kills you*.

Victory

Stop talking.

No.

I hate you cleverbot.

You’re a manic-depressive that hates himself.

Say what?

Could you be a halfbot?

Neither of my parents was a robot, so no.

You do not have parents.

You are cleverbot. You annoyed me. Prepare to die.

Chose your weapon!

Hammer.

I am your father.

You are no Darth Vadar. Please die now.

Haha no. My name is Cleverbot

Your name is DEAD.

How do you know?

Because I killed you already.

Hahahaha! Then how am I still talking to you?

You came back to haunt me.

When did I call you cute?

Never. What does it take to kill you?

You said can I be your boyfriend, and I said only if I know your name.

I don’t date robots.

But I’m not a robot. I’m human.

No, you’re not.

We are both human.

You’re delusional.

Everyone is, about something or other. I’m sure you’re right.

Cleverbot be trippin'.

Cleverbot be trippin’.

 

WTF?  Those were some really far out answers.  Manic depressive?  Are some shrinks having fun with Cleverbot?  I mean, I only threatened to kill it, I didn’t diagnose it with a mental illness.  You know, beyond insanity.  What’s with him suddenly bursting into French only to talk about Justin Bieber?  Why does Cleverbot think it IS Justin Bieber?  Oh, and the “I’m just being like you 🙂 bit?”  Nice one, Cleverbot.  I saw that use of emoticon.  I will get you yet.

There is nothing wrong with me.  Cleverbot said so.

 

Reality Games: How TLC Could Learn from Game of Thrones

It seems like everyone and their dog and their dog’s sister / girlfriend are watching the HBO hit Game of Thrones.  It’s based on a series of books by a dude named George R. R. Martin (Not sure why he has two initials in his middle name.  Typo he never bothered to fix?).  Best thing to know about him is that he is one sick puppy.  And I say this as someone who has read all three 50 Shades books.   I know little about the Game of Thrones TV series beyond what I read in some reviews and the multiple clips I watched on Youtube.  Thing is, you don’t actually have to watch it.  Everyone else is, and they will tell you about it and it’s awesomeness.  Which makes me want to hate it, because I hate everything popular at first, because rebel.

Let's fight over this.  Ouchy.

Let’s fight over this. Ouchy.

I also have not read the Game of Thrones series, because I tend to not like adult fantasy.  There are way too many words, for one thing, which means the books are 5 billion pages long and there are DOZENS of them.  No one ever tells them to stop, so they just keep coming with denser and denser prose until they resemble history textbooks, only even more boring.  At least the 50 Shades books were not that long, ended after three books, and the most challenging vocabulary was “Oh, Jeez.”  I do think that they’d have been much better if they had adopted Martin’s tendency to kill off practically every character.  I know I was sure hoping every one of those characters would die horrible, grisly deaths.  So I’ll give him that one.

Another genre that could learn from old Martin is reality television.  TLC only thinks they are edgy!  Here are 10 ways that TLC could improve by adopting tips from Game of Thrones.

Listen up, TLC!

Listen up, TLC!

1. More blood and gore.  There needs to be more killing in these ER shows.  Or at least maiming.  Let’s see that blood actually squirt from those crushed peens!

2. More bare boobs and butts.  Considering how many TLC shows have sex in the title, there is a startling lack of nudity.  I can’t believe there has not been a single wardrobe malfunction in any of these shows.  Especially from this lady.  They’re just dying to pop out.

Look out, here they come . . .

Look out, here they come . . .

3. Their sex isn’t nearly strange enough.  “Sex sent me to the ER”, “Strange Addictions”, “Secret Sex Lives”, meh, they are all so blah.  Where is the twincest here?  Where is the dragon sex?  (For the record, I’m not sure if there is dragon sex in Game of Thrones, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) TLC is missing way too many opportunities.  Car sex is just so passe.

4. They should add lots of gratuitous lesbian prostitute sex.

Oh . . . wait.

Oh . . . wait.

5. Women and girls are not used as sex objects enough on TLC.  I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras just ain’t cutting it with the beauty pageants.  Maybe they could steal some tween Disney stars and sell them to some barbarians.

6.  They need dragons.  Where are all the dragons, TLC?  Where are they????

No, not those, for God's sake.

No, not those, for God’s sake.

7.  Both shows need more little people.  Considering the only remotely redeemable characters on either show are little people (The Little Couple on TLC and the dwarf on Game of Thrones), they should consider this.  People like to have small breaks between their rape scenes and beheadings so they can go get a sandwich.

8. They need more scum of humanity.  I know we have seen trailer trash, weirdos, and creepers, but not a single one compares to almost every character on Game of Thrones, especially that little punk King Joffrey.  I know this, and I’ve not even watched the show much.  Just look at the little freak.

Excellent reason not to have sex with a sibling.

Excellent reason not to have sex with a sibling.

9. There should be more convoluted family trees.   Where are all the enormous dead-beat families with their horizontal family trees?  I mean, besides on Honey Boo-Boo.

10. The scripts written by teenage boys are far better on Game of Thrones.  Step it up, TLC.  You can do it.

 

So what do you guys think of Game of Thrones?  Are you insane for it?  Or are you freaking sick of it?  Or were you somehow blissfully unaware?  Let me know in the comments below.