It seems like everyone and their dog and their dog’s sister / girlfriend are watching the HBO hit Game of Thrones. It’s based on a series of books by a dude named George R. R. Martin (Not sure why he has two initials in his middle name. Typo he never bothered to fix?). Best thing to know about him is that he is one sick puppy. And I say this as someone who has read all three 50 Shades books. I know little about the Game of Thrones TV series beyond what I read in some reviews and the multiple clips I watched on Youtube. Thing is, you don’t actually have to watch it. Everyone else is, and they will tell you about it and it’s awesomeness. Which makes me want to hate it, because I hate everything popular at first, because rebel.
I also have not read the Game of Thrones series, because I tend to not like adult fantasy. There are way too many words, for one thing, which means the books are 5 billion pages long and there are DOZENS of them. No one ever tells them to stop, so they just keep coming with denser and denser prose until they resemble history textbooks, only even more boring. At least the 50 Shades books were not that long, ended after three books, and the most challenging vocabulary was “Oh, Jeez.” I do think that they’d have been much better if they had adopted Martin’s tendency to kill off practically every character. I know I was sure hoping every one of those characters would die horrible, grisly deaths. So I’ll give him that one.
Another genre that could learn from old Martin is reality television. TLC only thinks they are edgy! Here are 10 ways that TLC could improve by adopting tips from Game of Thrones.
1. More blood and gore. There needs to be more killing in these ER shows. Or at least maiming. Let’s see that blood actually squirt from those crushed peens!
2. More bare boobs and butts. Considering how many TLC shows have sex in the title, there is a startling lack of nudity. I can’t believe there has not been a single wardrobe malfunction in any of these shows. Especially from this lady. They’re just dying to pop out.
3. Their sex isn’t nearly strange enough. “Sex sent me to the ER”, “Strange Addictions”, “Secret Sex Lives”, meh, they are all so blah. Where is the twincest here? Where is the dragon sex? (For the record, I’m not sure if there is dragon sex in Game of Thrones, but I wouldn’t put it past them.) TLC is missing way too many opportunities. Car sex is just so passe.
4. They should add lots of gratuitous lesbian prostitute sex.
5. Women and girls are not used as sex objects enough on TLC. I mean, Toddlers and Tiaras just ain’t cutting it with the beauty pageants. Maybe they could steal some tween Disney stars and sell them to some barbarians.
6. They need dragons. Where are all the dragons, TLC? Where are they????
7. Both shows need more little people. Considering the only remotely redeemable characters on either show are little people (The Little Couple on TLC and the dwarf on Game of Thrones), they should consider this. People like to have small breaks between their rape scenes and beheadings so they can go get a sandwich.
8. They need more scum of humanity. I know we have seen trailer trash, weirdos, and creepers, but not a single one compares to almost every character on Game of Thrones, especially that little punk King Joffrey. I know this, and I’ve not even watched the show much. Just look at the little freak.
9. There should be more convoluted family trees. Where are all the enormous dead-beat families with their horizontal family trees? I mean, besides on Honey Boo-Boo.
10. The scripts written by teenage boys are far better on Game of Thrones. Step it up, TLC. You can do it.
So what do you guys think of Game of Thrones? Are you insane for it? Or are you freaking sick of it? Or were you somehow blissfully unaware? Let me know in the comments below.