Days of our Thrones

We're baaack!

We’re baaack!

Wowsers. Recalling an episode of Game of Thrones is about as easy as recalling an episode of Days of Our Lives. Come to think of it, there are actually quite a few similarities. I mean, you have all these family lines to keep track of, and who hates who, and who slept with who, and who killed who, yadda yadda. Also, we can’t forget good old Satan, who starred in both Days of Our Lives

What's funny, is Marlena was like, a shrink AND possessed by Satan.

And Game of Thrones.


I know a lot happened in this episode, but mostly I recall Tyrion (the dwarf and best character EVER) slapping the crap out of Joffrey. Also King Robert saying to his son “You let this little girl unarm you?” as Joffrey whimpers. But I suppose I should talk about the other stuff too.

But seriously, Tyrion slapping Joffrey was the best part of the whole damn episode.  Here’s a clip:

So like, what else happened?  I actually had to go look up the wiki, because I’d already lost track and I HAD JUST WATCHED THE EPISODE.  First off, we have the Dork-rakey, wait, the Dothraki, (the barbarian dudes led by Khal Drogo, he of the hunky muscles, grunts, and Cover Girl eyeliner) traveling um, somewhere.  Presumably to King’s Landing (that’s like, where the king lives, duh) so Vesuvius (checks Wiki) Viserys can take over the throne.  That’s the creeper who sold his sister (I’m just gonna save some grief and call her Dany) into slavery to get the army led by Johnny Depp on steroids.  Got it?  No?  Good.

Do you smell somethin?  Oh, it's me. Grunt.

Do you smell somethin? Oh, it’s me. Grunt.

There’s also this other guy, named Jorah (I only know his name cause Wiki) who is traveling with them because . . . I don’t know.  He tells Dany that sure it will be okay, cause like, he doesn’t have to have Bruno there pounding into him every night.  No probs!

Then we go back to Ned Stark’s fam, and Ned’s wife is all whiny cause her husband left her again and like last time he did, he came back with another kid for her to raise.  She really hates poor Jon, who tries to look endearing by standing around and pouting a lot.  He plans to join the Night’s Watch, which is a bunch of dudes who guard this big wall and never get laid.  Sounds fun!

Aw, he's so cuuute!

Aw, Jon is so cuuute!  Yes he issss!

Bran Stark, the little boy who likes to climb walls and just got pushed off of one, is in a coma.  I wonder if they’re gonna do a magic brain transplant, cause that would be cool.  Oh, and I missed this part because the disk from the library skipped, but Ned’s wife decides to follow Ned and tell him that she thinks the Lannisters (that’s the family with the twincest, Joffrey, and somehow the very cool Tyrion) tried to murder Bran.  Ned’s wife is an idiot.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Sociopath, sociopath, sociopath . . . and Tyrion.

Back with Khal Beefcake and the Barbarians, Dany is getting tired of the pounding so asks a sex slave (re: prostitutes for everyone!) for advice on how to pleasure her hubby.  Don’t get excited guys, no boobies were shown.  Dany uses her advice to take a ride on Beefcake this time.  Cause if you look in his eyes, you can totally make a raping barbarian fall in love with you.  No, for reals!

This is totes original, guys!

This is totes original, guys!

Meanwhile, Ned Stark travels to King’s Landing with his daughters, which turns out to be an awesome idea.  While on a romantic walk with older sister Sansa, Prince Joffrey cuts up a kid’s cheek, threatens to kill the younger daughter, tomboy Arya, and ends up getting bitten by Arya’s pet doggie.  Score one for the Dire Wolf.  Except Joffrey being a little prat, whines to Queen Mommy.  The king, after insulting him (woot) decides oh heck, let’s just kill any old dog and maybe my wife will shut the hell up.  So Ned gets to go kill Sansa’s dog.  Sansa is kinda ticked at her sister, cause she like ruined EVERYTHING.  Marcia, Marcia, Marcia!

Sansa Stark

Sansa Stark

There is a good scene with Jon and Tyrion, where Jon asks why Tyrion reads all the time.  Yeah, like, that’s SO LAME.  Tyrion says “My brother has his sword, King Robert has his warhammer and I have my mind…and a mind needs books as a sword needs a whetstone if it is to keep its edge.


Dear God, I'm so awesome.

Dear God, I’m so awesome.

So that’s pretty much it.  Oh, wait, Bran Stark wakes up at the end, of course.  Now that’s it.  I think.  My brain hurts.  Oh, but I promised you a theme song.  It’s not as long as the last one, but it’s the best I could do.

Here we go, this time to The Facts of Life

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

Tootie, the missing Stark daughter.

The Game of Thrones 

You take the gross

You take the bad

You take the nude

And there ya have

The Game of Thrones

The Game of Thrones

I worked a Tootie reference into Game of Thrones.  Life is now complete.  Thoughts?  Confusion? Cookies?

One more thing – thanks to the wiki, I have a death toll for each episode.  Helpful, cause you lose track.  I’ve decided to add my own nakey toll as well.

Season 1 Episode 2

Death toll: 3 (including a little boy and a little girl’s doggie!)

Nakey toll: 1 (beefcake’s butt)


34 responses

  1. That scene was awesome. Thanks for turning this show into a hilarious kind of comedy.

    1. I still don’t really know what I just watched there. Except that part with the slapping was really good.

      1. To me scene = slap. Everything else was just blah, blah, blah.

        1. I try to ignore everything but Tyrion. That slap was epic.

  2. I just can’t get into this crap, no matter how many good looking dudes there are.

    1. Tyrion is the only reason I can make it through at all. These people are so awful they are starting to make the 50 Shades jerks look appealing.

      1. I just kept waiting for them to start flinging poo at each other.

        1. I think they actually do fling some at that Joffrey creep, but that’s only natural there.

  3. Ooh, the pouter is adorable ! =)

    I love your totals, esp. the “nakey” toll ! =)

    Very fun, again, Alice ! =) You should quit your day job and become a screenwriter… I promise to watch your shows !!!!!!! =)

    1. That would be awesome. I would totally be willing to quit my day job. Sadly I might need more than one person to watch the Alice show. Ah, well. 🙂

      1. I can get minions… =)

        1. I like minions! I know, I’ll put a TV playing GoT nonstop and some nacho chips and maybe a few signed autographs of Mr. Pouty in a deep dark hole and then trap a bunch of the fans and make them into my minions.

          1. I love it when a plan comes together !!!!!!! =)

  4. I have no idea what just happened.

    1. Me neither and I actually watched it.

      1. Well now I don’t feel so bad.

        1. Soap Opera with swords, blood, and more bare bewbs.

          1. Bewbs?? You have my attention…

          2. It’s a lot easier to just watch straight porn.

  5. I guess I should try to series (I like Tyrion in the book too) but I don’t know – I liked the first 4 books well enough, got the 5th and started reading it and then right in the middle of a sentence just thought “well, I’m sick of this and I’m sick of Dany (whatever her name is) and how she speaks and I’m kinda sick of everyone”…and I’ve not looked back once.

    1. I’ll have to find it, but there is a review of that 5th book that is hilarious and pretty much sums it up. I’m impressed you got through – what, 5 million pages up till then?

          1. If this person had a blog, I would totally read it.

  6. I’m glad you’re giving us a rundown, because I haven’t decided yet whether to watch the show or not. That whole rape thing makes me say, “Um, no thanks.” You’ll have to tell me if it’s tolerable or not. Otherwise, I have plenty other crazy shows to keep me occupied. 🙂

    1. Yeah, fortunately there’s not too much of it shown, although the over-the-top nudity is so ridiculous. I’m no prude, but there is a limit. After a while, you quit even noticing the nudity, which I’m pretty sure is the opposite of the reaction they’re wanting. Also, the blood just looks so fake and, also, over-the-top (Slicing a head clean off? How many people can really slice a head clean off with a sword routinely? Also, the heads are very clearly soooo fake.) And this is from someone who hates, absolutely hates, horror films. It’s just so cheesy.

      1. Sounds like Thrones might even top True Blood in nudity. And yes, I realize I just admitted to watching True Blood. Please don’t tell anyone. I’m so ashamed…

        1. I tried to watch that one and couldn’t get past the first episode – didn’t they hang some woman up and have violent sex murder with her or something? I remember it was like WTF I almost want the sparkles back.

          1. Yay, that sounds about right. I don’t know what sucked me in (no pun intended). I don’t even LIKE vampire stuff. It was probably the cast. They’re awfully pretty.

          2. Yeah, that’s the same reason I stuck with the Tudors four seasons even knowing (through history) how many heads would roll. He’s so evil but so pretty!

  7. I almost wish I knew or cared about this show, just so I could really join in on the awesome hilarity you are generating – anything with a Tootie reference has GOT to be stellar. But I don’t, so all I can do is press my nose against the glass of your blog and sigh longingly. Sorry about the smudges.

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