Wheel of Thrones

Welcome to the Game of Thrones!  The Survival game show where everyone fights to sit on the pointiest throne ever!  But who will get voted off this week?  Will we vote off the evil, useless people or the few noble ones for shock value?  Let’s find out while we playyyyyy the Game of Thrrrronnnnnes! (cue applause track)

Losers die horrible deaths!  Winner gets . . . this!

Losers die horrible deaths! Winner gets . . . this!

Let’s meet our contestants.

The Stark Family

Come on everybody, SMILE!

Come on everybody, SMILE!

First off is Ned who has just arrived on the island (King’s Landing).  He’s a good, noble lord who only chops off heads when there’s a good, noble reason for it.  Like someone ran away from a horde of zombie monsters.  He’s joined by his wife Catelyn, who likes to shout out accusations of treason to very dangerous people with power and weapons.  Also we have the Stark children: Jon (the pouting bastard who went to guard a big wall), another brother Robb (left home to babysit the house), Sansa (whiny teenager), Arya (cute little girl with a deadly sword to play with), and Bran (the obnoxious paralyzed kid who remembers squat).  And I think there’s another brother, but who cares?  What are their chances?  Here?  Oh, yeah, they’re screwed.

The Lannister Family

No idea where this picture comes from, but it's fun anyway.

No idea where this picture comes from, but it’s fun anyway.

Now here is a group of contenders, because sociopaths, while insane, are pretty good at getting what they want.  Jaime is an obnoxious twit who gets the honor of guarding the king’s chamber while the king bangs prostitutes instead of his actual wife, Jaime’s sister, Cersei.  But that’s okay, cause Jaimie bangs her for him.  They have three children (oh ew), Joffrey (the demon seed) and two other kids no one cares about.  Finally, there’s Tyrion, brother to the pyscho twins.  He’s a dwarf, but don’t count him out cause he’s smarter than most of the cast (not that hard) and also, he’s awesome.  His hobbies are avoiding his insane family, playing with prostitutes, and peeing off tall walls.

The Baratheon Family

Some things are best left unknown . . .

Some things are best left unknown . . .

King Robert is a fatty who likes to put the kingdom in debt by spending money he doesn’t have on war games that get people killed.  So kind of like most of our presidents, only he’s even more brazen about the prostitutes.  His wife, Cersei, wants her little freak son on the throne.  She tells him everyone else is “the enemy”.  Great parenting there.  Joffrey Baratheon is not really a Baratheon, but he’s in line for the throne anyway because either the king is too dumb to realize the kid is way too blond to be his, or he just doesn’t care because he doesn’t want to go near the ice bitch.

The Targeryen Family

Vis: I'm prettier than youuuu . . . Dany: Oh shut up.

Vis: I’m prettier than youuuu . . .
Dany: Oh shut up.

Older brother Vivisection is a sniveling, skinny creeper who sold his sister for a barbarian army that thinks he’s an asshat.  Good play there, Rat Nose.  His sister, Dany, is getting braver, and shows it by halting the army so she can go potty or something.  While wandering off, her brother tries to kill her and nearly gets killed himself by the barbarians until she spares him.  You know the others wanted to vote him off SO BAD.  She figures out she’s preggers with a boy (cause she just KNOWS, okay?)  Dany gets naked a lot, so she’s not likely to get voted off too soon.

So there we have our main contenders so far.  There are several others introduced, but I don’t remember their names, and don’t feel like looking them up.  One new guy is called Littlefinger, which just sounds icky.  He’s  the “master of coin” (cause treasurer is just not fancy enough) who I like to call Weasel Boy.  He owns a brothel and slimes into several scenes.  I hate him already.

Hellloooo, can I slime your way?

Hellloooo, girls.  They call me Weasel Boy!

Also we have several guys who hang out at the wall.  We want them at this wall!  We need them at this wall!  Cause there are ice zombies and stuff!  And eventually we’ll see one do something.  Trust us!

All in all, they're just another brick in the wall.

All in all, they’re just another brick in the wall.

Oh, and by the way, winter is coming.  Just in case you forgot.

Now for a song!  To the tune of Happy Days.

Not sure . . . he might be one of the Starks too. Eyyyyyyy!

Not sure . . . he might be one of the Starks too.
Eyyyyyyy!

Game of Thrones Days

Psychos, creepers, Game of Thrones

Bitches, Whiners, Game of Thrones

Rapists, Murderers, Game of Thrones

The winter comes, with sex and violence

Golly this is such a fun show!

 

Their days are shorrrrrrrt

Full of nastiness (oh sucky days!)

Their days are shorrrrrrrt

Watch ’em die with me (oh sucky days!)

 Season 1, Episode 3

Death Toll: Sadly o (I think?)

Nakey Toll: A few bare boobs in the brothel.  Half of Dany.

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42 responses

  1. You had me at bare boobs.

    1. I love how people say if you aren’t totally obsessed with the show it’s because you aren’t intellectual enough. How much intellect do you need for boobies?

      1. Beg your pardon…what is intellect?

        1. You just saw the boobs and your brain went blank, right?

  2. Weasel boy doesn’t own a brothel. He owns a whole chain of brothels. He’s like that guy who ran for president based on a resume of owning pizza restaurants, except he serves up girls, little boys, and the occasional cadaver, instead of pepperoni and cheese.

    1. Pardon me, I only got one brothel. Extra points for comparing prostitution to chain pizza restaurants though!

  3. Haha – I’ve just watched the first episode – and this probably the only series I’ve ever read that I feel is better to watch than read. The dialogue in the books is AWFUL (in my opinion and he is not another J. R. R. Tolkien or even Fyodor Dostoyevsky…). But in the books, I liked Tyrion the best – but he’s supposed to be horridly ugly and he’s just not in the series. I don’t know if I’ll bother with more episodes – I rented 1 & 2…

    1. Yeah, I think Peter Dinklage is pretty hot and definitely has the best lines. I’m glad they didn’t make him horridly ugly – I mean, he’s already a dwarf in medievalish times and brother to sociopaths so I think he has enough strikes against him.

      But yeah, I flipped through the book at the library and was like . . . seriously? Cause a 13 year old, even in a time when young girls were routinely wed to older men, getting all hot and bothered by barbarian dude makes so much sense. It’s actually more realistic that he just rapes her in the show. I get the idea this Martin dude has a lot of far out fantasies about women that make El James look tame.

      1. Peter is a hottie – and I shan’t say more about his character in the future.

        Martin has a weird sense of how women work – that’s for sure.

        1. We like to hang out naked and have lots and lots of sex! With whoever! We don’t care! Prostitutes totally enjoy themselves! And if you can’t find a guy outside the fam, just turn to your brother!

          1. Exactly. People laud him as Tolkien but I think that’s bunk.

          2. I’m not a huge Tolkien fan, but even I recognize that’s bunk. He uses a lot of archetypes and symbolism and somehow gets his ideas across without constant sex scenes and people chopping off random heads. Who knew?

          3. hee hee – I think Martin is probably the one that started rumors about his own greatness.

    2. If you liked the books, I wouldn’t bother with the show. I thought they did a terrible job of recreating the story. But that’s jus’ me. 😉

      1. Hee hee – it’s all about what appeals. I read the first 4 books then the 5th one I started and just lost interest – the dialogue was annoying me.

        1. I think it helped that I listened to most of it in audiobook form. I find that (being almost completely auditory-oriented) I can overlook a whole lot of bad writing when I listen to a book. For instance, my daughters and I listened to the first “Left Behind” book but then moved and I decided to try reading it instead. I think I made it to page 3 before tossing it aside. I couldn’t believe how terrible the writing was! Maybe my mind is able to wander more when I’m listening or maybe I can visualize more than the story is giving me (like a movie playing out in my mind), but I can’t do that when I read.

          It didn’t hurt that the first GOT audiobook reader won the Guiness Book of World Records for the most voices in an audiobook. It was simply spectacular!

          1. That is really interesting. I have a hard time with audio books b/c I can’t do something else and listen to a story (unless I know the story) – and if I sit and listen, I might just fall asleep. But I might rent it and give it a whirl. I’m definitely more of a reader than listener for books.

          2. That is really interesting (people are SO different! lol). I started listening to audio books because in the car music makes me go to sleep but books keep me awake!

          3. I can’t listen to audio books because I am a very visual type learner. My mind drifts off. If I were to try that with this series, like 40 characters would be dead in the 5 minutes my mind wandered.

          4. LOL! Takes all kinds!

          5. hee hee – that’s the one place I cannot listen to a book on tape – else I forget to drive 🙂

          6. We most DEFINITELY cannot have THAT! 😉

      2. You are new to this blog, methinks.

  4. Ew, Little Finger–you’re right; sounds gross. So I’m curious, what’s used to lop off all these heads? An ax or a sword? Or have they rigged up a special machine like the ever-useful guillotine?

    1. Usually a sword which is especially unrealistic. You’ve got to have a lot of strength and a super sharp sword to slice clean through a freaking HEAD. Yet they act like it’s a simple as cutting a carrot.

      1. Ha, yes, it would take a little more than one quick slice, I’d imagine. Those pesky cervical vertebrae get in the way.

        1. I was a little concerned about the violence, but seriously, it is so fake you almost laugh.

      1. Makes sense. Hope they’re sharp…

        1. Also Joffrey has the power to chop off heads with his mind.

          1. Well, that’s certainly handy!

          2. To be fair, the swords they use for head chopping are on the monstrously large side and probably weigh enough to do the job on their own.

          3. You’d still have to be able to lift it, although considering where these people live, they’d be pretty stupid not to build up the strength for that very needed skill of head chopping.

  5. I wanna pee off a wall!

    1. You have to have goals in life, ya know?

  6. I really wanted to date Potsie.

    1. I think Potsie was in this but he got his head chopped off.

  7. In a world where they have/had/have (depending on where you are) dragons, you are concerned about the science behind a sword chopping a head off not being right?

    1. Yes. I mean peeps go on about how realistic the show is and how killing people off all the time makes it more realistic so then that part ought to be realistic too. And dragons are about the only magical thing to it, everything else is grit and blood and nakeys.

      Also complaining about pointless stuff is kind of what I do.

  8. You know how I said I wasn’t going to read the books? I’ve just been loaned the first one. I’ll let you know how I get on with it – I suspect your recaps might come in handy!

    1. Should be interesting. I flipped through the first one at the library but was too lazy to check it out.

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