Welcome to the Game of Thrones! The Survival game show where everyone fights to sit on the pointiest throne ever! But who will get voted off this week? Will we vote off the evil, useless people or the few noble ones for shock value? Let’s find out while we playyyyyy the Game of Thrrrronnnnnes! (cue applause track)
Let’s meet our contestants.
The Stark Family
First off is Ned who has just arrived on the island (King’s Landing). He’s a good, noble lord who only chops off heads when there’s a good, noble reason for it. Like someone ran away from a horde of zombie monsters. He’s joined by his wife Catelyn, who likes to shout out accusations of treason to very dangerous people with power and weapons. Also we have the Stark children: Jon (the pouting bastard who went to guard a big wall), another brother Robb (left home to babysit the house), Sansa (whiny teenager), Arya (cute little girl with a deadly sword to play with), and Bran (the obnoxious paralyzed kid who remembers squat). And I think there’s another brother, but who cares? What are their chances? Here? Oh, yeah, they’re screwed.
The Lannister Family
Now here is a group of contenders, because sociopaths, while insane, are pretty good at getting what they want. Jaime is an obnoxious twit who gets the honor of guarding the king’s chamber while the king bangs prostitutes instead of his actual wife, Jaime’s sister, Cersei. But that’s okay, cause Jaimie bangs her for him. They have three children (oh ew), Joffrey (the demon seed) and two other kids no one cares about. Finally, there’s Tyrion, brother to the pyscho twins. He’s a dwarf, but don’t count him out cause he’s smarter than most of the cast (not that hard) and also, he’s awesome. His hobbies are avoiding his insane family, playing with prostitutes, and peeing off tall walls.
The Baratheon Family
King Robert is a fatty who likes to put the kingdom in debt by spending money he doesn’t have on war games that get people killed. So kind of like most of our presidents, only he’s even more brazen about the prostitutes. His wife, Cersei, wants her little freak son on the throne. She tells him everyone else is “the enemy”. Great parenting there. Joffrey Baratheon is not really a Baratheon, but he’s in line for the throne anyway because either the king is too dumb to realize the kid is way too blond to be his, or he just doesn’t care because he doesn’t want to go near the ice bitch.
The Targeryen Family
Older brother Vivisection is a sniveling, skinny creeper who sold his sister for a barbarian army that thinks he’s an asshat. Good play there, Rat Nose. His sister, Dany, is getting braver, and shows it by halting the army so she can go potty or something. While wandering off, her brother tries to kill her and nearly gets killed himself by the barbarians until she spares him. You know the others wanted to vote him off SO BAD. She figures out she’s preggers with a boy (cause she just KNOWS, okay?) Dany gets naked a lot, so she’s not likely to get voted off too soon.
So there we have our main contenders so far. There are several others introduced, but I don’t remember their names, and don’t feel like looking them up. One new guy is called Littlefinger, which just sounds icky. He’s the “master of coin” (cause treasurer is just not fancy enough) who I like to call Weasel Boy. He owns a brothel and slimes into several scenes. I hate him already.
Also we have several guys who hang out at the wall. We want them at this wall! We need them at this wall! Cause there are ice zombies and stuff! And eventually we’ll see one do something. Trust us!
Oh, and by the way, winter is coming. Just in case you forgot.
Now for a song! To the tune of Happy Days.
Game of Thrones Days
Psychos, creepers, Game of Thrones
Bitches, Whiners, Game of Thrones
Rapists, Murderers, Game of Thrones
The winter comes, with sex and violence
Golly this is such a fun show!
Their days are shorrrrrrrt
Full of nastiness (oh sucky days!)
Their days are shorrrrrrrt
Watch ’em die with me (oh sucky days!)
Season 1, Episode 3
Death Toll: Sadly o (I think?)
Nakey Toll: A few bare boobs in the brothel. Half of Dany.