It’s been a while since I’ve written a Game of Thrones recap. If you need to catch up on earlier recaps, you can find them under the tab that um, says “Game of Thrones Recaps”.
Anyhoo, there are a lot of sayings that are bandied about on Game of Thrones. One is “Winter is coming”. Another is “A Lannister always pays his debts.” But the most important saying of all is missing. I quote from the great movie “Spaceballs” . . .
“. . . Evil will always triumph because Good is DUMB.” – Lord Helmet
Listen to Helmet, guys.
Okay, on with the review. Woot.
First off, Tyrion stops off at Winterfell and is totes awesome, as usual. Really, they should just give this guy the whole damn show. Robb Stark (High Babysitter of Winterfell) is a snotty twit to him, cause he’s a Stark kid. Tyrion schools him on common courtesy, then presents a saddle design that will allow Bran Stark to ride horses again, saying he has “a weakness for cripples, bastards, and broken things.” Yeah, you’re pretty much surrounded by them, Tyrion.
Tyrion leaves and sees this kid named Theon Greyjoy (no really), who is like a prisoner of the Starks but raised by them because I don’t know, but Tyrion insults the crap out of him, which was funny.
Just give Tyrion the throne and be done with it.
Next we’re back at THE WALL with Pouty McPouterson, er, Jon Snow, who in case you forgot, is Ned Stark’s bastard. I know Jon doesn’t forget since he’s reminded of it in every damn episode. They get a new chubby kid, who the others name “Piggy” and oh oh, I remember another fat kid called Piggy and he didn’t meet a good end. Sure enough, they try to beat the crap out of the kid until Jon stops him. Playground politics at its finest, folks.
Everybody calls me bastard and it really sucks!
Back to Dany and the Barbarians. They reach the capital of Horse Land and Rat Nose (Dany’s brother, keep up) acts like a total asshat again. Surprise. That other white dude (Jor-El?) says the Dorkraki, fierce warriors, won’t go to Knot’s er King’s Landing cause they can’t cross the Narrow Sea because they are afraid of . . . salt water. Maybe Rat Nose should have looked this up before hiring them as an army.
Rat Nose takes a bath with this naked girl who taught Dany how to do the Lambada with Beefcake – no wait, that was another girl. Maybe.
Water scary. Washes off makeup!
Ned Stark, the King’s new right “Hand” gets stuck in another meeting with the Dream Team council, and finds out that the Tournament he didn’t want is causing all kinds of bloodshed, but hey the whores are walkin’ all bowlegged cause sex! So you know, business as usual.
Ned starts snoopin’ around to find out who killed the last King’s Hand. Um, Ned, this is how people in horror movies die. Just sayin’.
Crap, my new job sucks.
Arya, spunky younger Stark daughter, is balancing on one foot cause she’s gonna be the next Karate Kid. Dad says “One day you’ll get to be a nobleman’s wife! Fun!” She thinks that would suck. Smart kid.
Weasel Boy yammers about his spies and crap to poor Ned and says not to trust anybody. Well, duh.
Admit it, ya’ll are all hot for me, right?
More Ned snooping.
Jaime (half of the twincest) Lannister yammering to – someone. They might have said something important.
Dany gives Rat Nose a gift and he smacks her for it. But she hits him back saying that the next time he raises a hand to her he won’t have hands. Do it, do it, do it!
I think Rat Nose wet ’em.
Back at THE WALL, Jon protects Piggy, er Sam, and they get kitchen duty. Jon says he’s a virgin cause he doesn’t want to make more bastards. Hundreds of fan girls offer to marry him and help him out with that virgin thing.
Dany starts to realize that maybe Ratnose won’t make a good leader. Duh.
Two dudes fight in a tournament. The huge one called Mountain kills the other one. Mountain is the big brother of the Hound. They have another brother named Flower they never talk about.
Mountain’s hobbies are burning his little brother, hitting people with sticks, and basket weaving.
Queen Cersei and Ned playfully threaten each other.
Tyrion shows up at an inn where Ned’s wife is staying. She accuses him of trying to murder her son, and orders the men there to arrest him. Cause it’s always a good idea to publicly accuse a rich, powerful man of a crime when your husband has to work with this rich, powerful man’s sociopathic family. Ned’s wife is an idiot.
“Hey, who wrote me a letter telling me to shut up already? Alice!”
Oh, yeah a song – crap it’s gonna be hard to keep this up. Gilligan’s Island everyone!
Game of Thrones Island
Sit right back and you’ll hear a tale
A tale of an idiot
Her name was Catelyn Stark
and she is such a stupid twit
She’s married to a guy named Ned
And that dude’s stupid too
He’s being all noble and soon
He’s gonna be all dead.
With Jon Snow, and the dwarf too
King Robert and his pycho wife
The Barbarian
Buncha prostitutes and the demon seed
Here on Game of Thrones!
Season 1, Episode 4
Death Toll: 1, Some knight dude
Nakey Toll: 2, Dany’s handmaiden and, unfortunately, Rat Nose’s concave chest.
aliceatwonderland 
I’ve been avoiding your GoT recaps because I hadn’t seen any of the episodes, but I binge-watched a few weeks ago, and now I’m all caught up.
I had this incredibly brilliant and original idea that they should do public service announcements with cast members saying “A Lannister always spays his pets”, but then I googled and found out that 29,000 other people thought of it before me.
I like that idea. I bet the Lannisters would also like to spay the poor people, except they do bring in the taxes. Oooh and I binge watched too which can can sometimes do things to your psyche if you’re not careful. Luckily, I’ve been in a more violent type mood as of late, so I’m like woot, off with the head. Or whatever part . . .
29,000 people . . . George RR Martin must have an interesting fanbase.
I totally don’t watch this show, or anything else on cable, which makes reading these posts more fun!
Yay! I don’t have HBO, so I rented these at first, then I actually enjoyed the crap, so I bought it. I’m not sure what that says about me.
Haha…better than watching it on tv. Nice reference to Lord of the Flies…poor Piggy.
I know! I was like, Piggy, really? I know what you’re doing here, author. He’s such a sweet character so he’s probably freaking doomed.
I think this show is like an adult version of Lord of the Flies.
Thanks for this post, now I know all about this show I never saw ( we don’t have it here, probably the time is not ripe for it, or the people…or they still ponder about the prices for merchandising items)
I’m amazed the craze hasn’t hit there. It’s all over the Internet. People go completely nuts on twitter after a show is on apparently. I don’t check my twitter much but I saw a very amusing list of tweets after one particularly violent show.
A few more of these, and I might actually start watching the show. I hate to think that I’m missing all of this.
I should get on with reading the first book, having been lent it.
Although I always think that “A game of thrones” is what everyone plays when going into a public lavatory facility – you open each cubicle door looking for the least grotty, right?
I think they’d have better luck with kings if they followed this method in Westernesse. Pick the least grotty nobleman. That’s what we do, and we’ve managed not to elect any psychos, at least.
Least grotty? You might want to explain that you play medieval in the SCA – peeps might be wondering which kingdom you’re representin’ there. And almost all of Westeros is psycho, so I think they’d have a tough time there.
I was thinking U.S. politicians. And the SCA chooses kings and queens by holding tournaments, but reigns only last 6 months and if someone went off the rails the corporate organization could ban them from playing. Or everyone in the populace could just quit the game. Because it’s an actual game. Can’t do that in Westeros, either. Well, sort of, by taking the Black.
The guy the Mountain killed had been the dead Hand’s squire. He was knighted just in time to enter the tournament and be offed before Ned could talk to him– though the twit was snotty to Ned’s armsman when he tried so we don’t know if he actually knew anything worth killing him over.
Yeah I did actually watch the show . . . I just pretend to not remember bits at times. Okay and sometimes I really don’t care.
I just liked that part. Twit gets snooty, twit gets dead. Served him right.