Fitbit is a Cruel Master

Yesterday was my birthday for all of you who forgot to send me a present.  (I’m looking at all of you).  I did get some nice birthday messages on facebook, which were way better than the clever one I got several times “Oh, so you’re turning 29 right? It’s funny, cause we all know you’re actually way older, wink wink!”  I hate these people.

Fortunately, I did receive gifts.  Like the gift of way too much food making me want to throw up, a comfy pillow, breakfast in bed by Thing Two (2 burned pieces of cinnamon toast, an overflowing cup of chocolate milk, and about 10 pieces of precooked turkey bacon), and finally the gift I gave myself because yea, I am a masochist.

I got a Fitbit.

My new master, Fit Bit

My new master, Fit Bit

What is a Fitbit?  I didn’t know either until recently.  I owe it all to David Sedaris, and to blogger Nicki Daniels, who posted his article on Facebook.  He wrote an amusing article about this silly little device, a pedometer you wear on your wrist that measures all sorts of crap, like every step you take, every move you make, etc.  And then it puts it all into this chart on your computer or phone.  On this same site you can also tell it what wretched things you ate (be honest, the scale is evil, and never lies) and find out how many calories you took in and whether that will in any way be offset by the calories you burned (it won’t).  On the plus side, I did figure out I burn a certain number of calories by breathing, so there’s that.

Charts! Oooh pretty!  And yes, I always walk that much after consuming only a bowl of cereal.

Charts! Oooh pretty! And yes, I always walk that much after consuming a few Saltine crackers.

I hesitated getting one, cause it costs 99 bucks (Thing Two saw it and promptly announced that she knew how much it cost from the Target ad.  Smart little brat), but then I figured so do bracelets and this one has doohickeys on it and is totally going to make me thin and healthy and crap.  Totally worth it.  Also, did I mention the pretty charts and graphs?  The reviews were all over the board, from this is so wonderful to I lost it the first day cause the clasp sucks.  Never fear, there is an answer to this.   It’s called a Bitbelt, and it’s this little plastic thingy that holds your band on.  There’s nothing to it, and I guess I could have just used a crude rubber band, but this is cute and hey you are helping a business that is not the evil Empire of Amazon where I do most of my shopping, er, I mean that I protest daily.

See my tiny little belt?  It holds on the expensive fitbit.  You should buy one, even if you don't own a fitbit.  This is not an endorsement in hopes of getting more free stuff.

See my tiny little Bitbelt? It holds on the expensive Fitbit. You should buy one, even if you don’t own a Fitbit. This is totally not an endorsement in hopes of getting more free stuff.

I have to admit, I’m kind of addicted.  I walked like mad the first day, cause I really, really wanted it to vibrate.  Get your mind out the gutter, it’s on my wrist.  Anyway, it’s neat when you meet your goal cause then Fitbit likes you and gives you badges and wants to be your friend.  But if you fail, it’s all like that little punk girl on Candy Crush who cries cause you didn’t meet your goal.  There isn’t a little girl really, I just imagine it that way.

I hate her.  Crush your own dang candy!

Alice, you have failed me.

As David points out in his article, this is the perfect device for neurotic, obsessive people who need to lose weight.  Bin-go!  You found a winner here!  Yes, sometimes I lose my obsessions, but I’ll have you know that I still have all my yoga equipment and sometimes I still do poses.  Mostly the ones lying down.  In bed.  But STILL.

Speaking of Yoga, just a while back the creator of YogAlign, whose product I kind of sort of poked fun at, found my blog post and offered to send me her 60 dollar book and DVD for free.  WOOT.  Seriously, I am most appreciative.  It is a pretty impressive book, though I haven’t read it all.  I linked to her website if you wanna check it out.  She talks about how some of the poses you do in yoga can sort of crush your spine and I’m more than willing to redo those poses (stuff like sit down and touch your toes) cause I hated those poses anyway.  Thing Two and I tried out her DVD, but I believe it is for advanced yogis, cause in one move she does this scissor thing where her foot meets her forehead and while that doesn’t compress the spine, I’m not sure how her leg failed to pop off.  Thing Two kept yelling “LADY!” through most of the video.  But the good news is that she is planning to offer a beginner’s version.  Excellent idea.

Michelle Edwards sent this to me to enlighten me.  Thanks, Michelle!

Michelle Edwards sent this to me to enlighten me. Thanks, Michelle!

THIS lady did not send me her balls.  Insert candy crush sad face.

THIS lady did not send me her balls. Insert candy crush sad face.

But back to Fitbit.  This silly little device really IS making me walk more, and I have hopes that it will help take off these extra pounds because there’s a lot of Diabetes in my family, and I hear that sucks.  Also I don’t want to keep buying pants.  If only all cake could disappear.  I’m pretty sure cake is in cahoots with the scale as both are obviously designed by the Devil who also created Yoga.

But yesterday was my birthday.  Fitbit stayed off my wrist.  Bound and gagged it could not see all the food I shoveled in my mouth or the number of naps I took.  Haha!  I showed that tiny electronic device!  But tomorrow I will strap it back on again, because I’m neurotic and obsessive and at least this will be a more positive obsession than say, dating my car or eating baby powder.

A better picture of Fitbit.  See its diabolical brain highlighted.

A better picture of Fitbit. See its diabolical brain highlighted.

Any of you guys have a Fitbit or similar device?  What do you do to work out?  Does it involve being chased by wild wolverines?  Let me know in the comments below.

43 responses

  1. My eyeballs get shitloads of exercise when I read stuff.

    1. There needs to be an app for that. Also one for watching tennis.

  2. Happy Belated Birthday Alice!! Good luck with your new Fitbit!

    1. Thanks! If only it would also take off years . . . hmm.

  3. Happy belated Birthday!!! I would like to hear your experiences with Fitbit. It sounds interesting and if it works for you, please let me know :o)

    1. So far it seems to be. I’ve not lost weight but I am definitely moving more, which is a good thing since I was what you might call lazy er sedentary before.

  4. Happy Belated Birthday! I too have a Fitbit, but I call mine “pants.” When they get too tight I put a piece of duct tape across my mouth so I can’t eat for awhile. And when they get too loose to stay up on their own, I eat whole chocolate cream pies all by myself. 😉

    1. Awesome system. I’d been using that one for a while, but it has its flaws. For one thing, one size 16 will be bigger than a 14 and one 18 will be smaller than a 16 and wtf who designs this stuff?

  5. Being chased by rabid wolverines would be inspiration I couldn’t ignore.

    1. That is pretty much the only time I ever run.

      1. Oh? So this has happened to you?

        1. Well once, but now I try to avoid Republican conventions.

          1. Aaaaaaand RIMSHOT! Thank you, she’ll be here all week.

  6. Happy (late) Birthday! 😀

    1. Thanks. These were so much more fun before 22. At least you get gifts!

  7. Reliance on public transit makes me walk.

    1. That could do it. Especially here, since we have no public transit, well not any that’s all that good.

      1. You also have weather.

  8. Happy Birthday!!! Let the celebration continue this week…you deserve it!!

    1. Thanks. Trying not to celebrate too hard. Cake. Cake. Caaaaaake.

  9. Thanks for the shout out, girl. I am loving mine. It has been most insightful. For example, I walked six miles at work the other night, behind a fifteen foot bar. Also, it counts my shampoo routine as “very active minutes”. But clean hair is important to me. Great post, happy belated, and I hope your new master treats you kindly.

    1. I haven’t worn mine in the shower yet, but I bet that is quite a workout. Maybe I’ll hold one of those shake weight things and see what happens.

      Have you considered getting that scale? I like that it connects to the fitbit, but wtf with the price tag? And how do you measure body fat by standing on something?

      1. Sorry for the late reply. Nope, I am not into the scale. I will use the scale at the gym during my token once a month visit, but I generally just go off how my clothes fit.

  10. If you’re not gonna get in better shape for the sake of a new piece of technology, who are you gonna do it for, right?

    1. True. This may be one of the first pieces of technology that has actually encouraged me to move more than my fingers.

  11. Happy Births! Yay presents!

    1. Yay! This lady also made me a quilt, so like I have two things for napping and one for whipping my butt into shape. Nice combination.

  12. I LOVE my Fitbit! I have the one that clips into your bra and I almost feel naked without it. I like to have daily step competitions with my fitbit friends on the fitbit app! So much fun!

    1. I saw those, but I tried pedometers like that, and I always lost one. Plus I was afraid of washing it. I wonder – if you wear it on your bra, does it matter your bust size? Cause I’m thinking someone like Pamela Anderson would get a LOT of steps.

      I have the app on my Nook as I am the only one on the planet without a smart phone. I should get some fitbit friends maybe. Except they might beat me and then I’d be all sadface.

  13. Happy Birthday Alice! Interesting device this Fitbit. I liked crankygiraffe’s comment about keeping the Fitbit out of sight by clipping it to her bra. My only concern would be that she would miss some of her most strenuous activity periods. Bwhahaha! Think of the possibilities: when buying paint, you could attach it to the paint mixer; if you have a dog, you could fit it to the dog collar while you have a nap or work on your computer; give it to hubby (or boyfriend) when they are out playing football; tie it to the hubcap on your car, afterall, you are doing the same distance as your car; the possibilites are limited only to your imagination. Happy exercising!

    1. I’ve heard you can add steps while driving. I like that. I might try wearing it on a roller coaster next time I go to an amusement park. Holy crap, 50,000 steps!

  14. Hope you had a grand time yesterday! Sorry I wasn’t able to greet you…

    1. I’m greeted now! Thanks.

      1. Welcome 🙂 Don’t worry much about the yoga forms. Focus more on the proper breathing 🙂

  15. Happy Belated Birthday! My grandfather always used to say “you don’t look a day older than yesterday” which I find much better than the “Happy 29th for the 30th time ha-ha lmao” facebook blah. I am doing “Lose It” which is a free app to plug in everything you eat and hate yourself. It has badges too. They don’t work.

    1. Lose it sounds like a whale of a lot of fun. I truly hate the food logger. I’ve discovered salt is in everything, even freaking cola. I think it lies. But if I avoid it, then fitbit will assume I must be losing weight cause cool she walked a mile and ate nothing! Anorexics make the best athletes! Wait, I may be seeing some flaws in their system.

  16. Happy, HAPPY Birthday, Alice! Hope it was fitbit-a-licious! Anywho, I used the UP band by Jawbone (a refurbished one for about $75 from Amazon) for 3-1/2 months. I finally worked out that I already beat the 10,000 step goal most days and it just started making me depressed that no matter how much I exercise and eat right, I still get diagnosed with pre-diabetes. 😥 It sucks.

    My favorite part of the UP band was that it tracks my sleep… Until I figured out that I sleep like crap that that’s probably why I can’t lose weight! Bwah-ha-ha! (Sorry, had to laugh or I would have started sobbing.)

    Hope your day is GREAT! Enjoy your Fit-Bit!

    1. P.S. I used My Fitness Pal for awhile too as it syncs with the UP band. That was actually insightful when in the beginning I was consuming WAY too many (still healthy, but too many) calories. Started to make sense why I could exercise so much and still not lose. I tweeked things a bit, lost 3 pounds, and then gave up. #frustratedwithlife

      1. Thank you Fitbit. Thank you so bloody much! The fun thing is we pay for this abuse. I mean the saints could always just find switches from trees. We buy them on Amazon.

        1. Exactly. I’m getting ready to sell mine, actually. 🙂

  17. Very belated birthday. I think FB did tell me about it but I was crap and forgot to write a message. For which I apologise a million times.

    My ipod has a built-in pedometer, so I tend to stick it in my pocket – and then forget about it throughout the day unless I’m listening to music. Occasionally I’ll look and see how many steps I’ve walked, but only if I’ve had a day off the ordinary routine where I know I will have walked a lot more than I normally do.

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