Writing 101

So I’ve been thinking about what to write and I’ve had no gripping, world-changing ideas lately.  Because nothing compares to that whole condiment Sex Ed discussion.  You can’t just hide your spices away and pretend nothing is happening people!

I could use the excuse of not being able to type on account of my fractured arm and my messed up toe (if I wrote with my toes that is).  That was why I loaned my blog to Thing Two for a little bit (ten-year-olds: you give them an inch and they want your whole blog).  Thing One had part of a post ready to go but then declared she was too lazy to finish it.  At least she’s honest.

I can write now, even though my arm is still messed up, just as long as I don’t turn my arm like this.  OW.  The doc said I have to keep moving it or it will get stiff so you know, keep messin’ with that elbow.  Pain is good!  I have exercises for my arm that make me look like I’m doing the Robot.

No, really, my arms are actually stuck this way.

No, really, my arms are actually stuck this way.

So I was thinking I should get back to the old writing gig.   But wait, maybe not, cause I just got a negative comment the other day from a concerned reader who Googled his name.  The comment was on an old post entitled “Libraries are for Porn?” (because I am always classy) that featured a list of silly reasons people offered for banning books.  Here’s a bit I lifted from that post including the list.

 Here’s a list from the ALA website of some of the most ridiculous reasons given for banning books.
    1. “Encourages children to break dishes so they won’t have to dry them.” ( A Light in the Attic, by Shel Silverstien)
    2. “It caused a wave of rapes.” ( Arabian Nights, or Thousand and One Nights, anonymous)
    3. “If there is a possibility that something might be controversial, then why not eliminate it?” ( Bury My Heart at Wounded Knee, by Dee Brown)
    4. “Tarzan was ‘living in sin’ with Jane.” ( Tarzan, by Edgar Rice Burroughs)
    5. “It is a real ‘downer.’” ( Diary of Anne Frank, by Anne Frank)
    6. “The basket carried by Little Red Riding Hood contained a bottle of wine, which condones the use of alcohol.” ( Little Red Riding Hood, by Jacob Grimm and Wilhelm K. Grimm)
    7. “One bunny is white and the other is black and this ‘brainwashes’ readers into accepting miscegenation.” ( The Rabbit’s Wedding, by Garth Williams)
    8. “A female dog is called a bitch.” ( My Friend Flicka, by Mary O’Hara)
    9. “An unofficial version of the story of Noah’s Ark will confuse children.” ( Many Waters, by Madeleine C. L’Engle)

If you think no one would really suggest banning a book for such a stupid reason, you clearly have too much faith in the human race.

Anyway, here’s the comment:

This should be good.

This should be good.

Dear Friends,

As a lifelong lover of books, but also truth, I was a bit perplexed to find my name on your “ridiculous” list. At least it was only the eighth most silly thing you listed. I guess there is some comfort to be taken in that! In actuality, I agree that the statement made as #8 on your list deserves to be there. It is really quite foolish to say that public funds funds should not be used to purchase religious books. The only problem is that I never said that. It is not to be found in anything that I ever wrote, nor do I believe it. It would be an interesting research project to find out where it came from, but that would be your job, not mine, since you wrote it. WRITING 101 tells us “Check your sources”.

Please let me know when you find out where it came from.

All Good Wishes,

Walter Elwell

I like how he framed his condescension in a happy slappy sandwich there.  I offered my own good wishes in return.

Hiiiiii, Walter!

Hiiiiii, Walter!


Thanks for the tip on WRITING 101. Now here are some tips on READING COMPREHENSION. If you will notice, I have the title and author of the book in ellipses, not the name of the person quoted. So that means that someone else said your book should not have been in the library for said reason. If you take a look, you’ll see that it would have been difficult for Anne Frank to gripe about her own book as she has been dead for quite some time. Now I don’t know who the person quoted was – the website doesn’t state names. It could have been an administrator or a teacher or parent or someone off the street. A lot of people want to ban things for stupid reasons.

I clearly pointed out my source as the American Library Association. If you will look above the list you will see the link to the their website. I checked the link and now the page of quotes has been removed or relocated because this post is actually three years old and the internet changes rapidly. I will still remove the quote about your book as this seems to distress you.


Anyhoo, back to the blog.  I’m wondering what to write about next (and how to make more people angry).  I’ve had other themes I’ve started and never finished like Game of Thrones reviews (interest in violent nakey parody seems to have waned), the “Behind the Fairy Tale” series (I’m to Pocahontas – ZOMG how can I not do that?  There’s just so much there, so many, many awful jokes), and of course my tortures of virtual people like Boppo Sadface that are my most popular posts, taking over from the Dragon Tales psychopaths who were seeking out my blog.  Now people just want to know how to kill pixels.  Refreshing.

But what do you want, good readers?  Let me know in the comments below!




21 responses

  1. And now perhaps you get why I tend to have a specific theme for most days of the week. It eliminates some of that rotten thinking bullshit.

    1. Yes! And I was so intending to do the weeks of weird but then I couldn’t think of weird stuff in particular since weird is such a normal part of my day. Maybe next time you could do several weeks of wtf.

      1. Rose and I are trying to put together something much more useful which may (or may not) appeal to you. Hopefully I’ll have details soon.

  2. Ha! I’ve seen a number of bloggers complain about readers not reading. I read a blog the other day that appeared, in the first paragraph, to be inciting religious turmoil, but when I read along a little further I realized that paragraph was being used as an example of intolerance in the rest of the blog. A few inches below a particuarly non-astute reader launched into a long defense of the religion complete with its history and current status and beliefs. The blogger just commented that the reader should read the post before commenting. Ha! It was quite funny.

    Another blogger cpmplained that when he posted a paticular piece , he received a “like” back before 30 seconds elapsed. He admonished his reader to please read the post before deciding whther to like or not.

    Anyway, you are in good company Alice. But picking a piece from three years ago seems a bit late to be complaining – there should be a statute of limitations.

    Anyway, you just write whatever comes to mind and we shall eagerly follow. For instance, here’s a burrito 🌯 and you can write about that. Or you can eat it, as you please. (For some reason this is a wordpress emoticon and I’ve been trying to work it into conversations in a casual way, trying to see where it is most effective and trying to understand why wordpress created a burritto emoticon.) See? lots of possibilities.

    Have a great recovery Alice (arm and toe – you are a bit clumsy huh?) 😀

    1. Paul, you are funny! You made me laugh almost as much as Alice does! That takes talent!! 😀

      1. I love to get a compliment within another compliment! You’re awesome, Judah.

        1. Except I tend to enjoy responding to the comments more than responding to the posts. What does that say about me, hmm?

          1. The comments are often just as good as the posts, so it makes perfect sense!

    2. Incredibly clumsy, but amazingly this is the first time I’ve actually broken anything. I guess my guardian angel got freaking tired after all these years.

      Yeah, and even when these morons do read, they almost never grasp anything approaching satire. Some are probably still complaining about that guy who wanted to eat all the poor children!

      I have GOT to use that burrito emoticon. Maybe I’ll replace all my smiley emoticons with that one. Burritos make me happy. Also gassy.

  3. Write whatever you want to write Alice, your blog is always hilarious! 😀

    1. Thanks! Glad I’m not getting too stale yet!

  4. You need to write about Pocahontas. I love your Disney movie recaps.

    1. Thanks, I like those too. And Pocahontas, oh man, where to begin.

  5. How about some sort of contest parody… like So You Think You Can Blog… or The Amazing Blog Hop… or Big Blog Brother… or… Well, you get the idea.

    1. Zomg I LOVE this! You’re brilliant, dj. I could maybe make up some contestants, or invite some of you to play some parts. My thinker is starting to work again . . .

  6. Damn… you’re lucky to get such a live one! Nobody I’ve slandered has ever stopped by to find me…. yet. I think the closest I’ve even had to someone stumbling onto my blog and taking issue with something I said was when some girl who was born in the last two decades found my Russian squirrels posts where I used a few Cold War references… and proceeded to tell me that the Cold War was a figment of the imaginations of whoever wrote her history textbooks and that we were never at odds with the USSR. OK, thanks for playing… run along now, little girl…

    Then there’s the really creepy dude who keeps commenting on my comics, asking me to do a comic involving skunk spray. Man, I love the internets….

    1. OMG! Oh, well, you know the Holocaust is an Urban Legend. But the Easter Bunny is REAL, damn it!

      1. And Santa too – also he’s WHITE.

    2. The only other real complaint I got on a post (other than the squeaky shoes that shall not be named) was from the kid that called me a 40 year-old farthead for not liking that television masterpiece Dragon Tales. So to say the least I was quite delighted.

      Cold War a figment of the imagination . . . yeah. Like the people who say slavery really wasn’t all that bad. Or we totally did not steal land from the Native Americans. Etc. So much stupid, and they can vote too. Shudder. I’ve never gotten anything that weird (thought that would be awesome) but those kind of people show up at the public library a lot. One guy thought he had an open head injury and the government was tracking him etc.

      Skunk spray . . . I don’t even want to know what this guy does in his spare time.

  7. He he, nice one, Alice. They do read sometimes, but like the one who complained to you, they tend to just act on “first emotion,” so to speak, and do not try to re-read and comprehend more fully what they’ve read. I say this because I’ve experienced quick jolts of emotional reactions myself, then I try to be calm and re-read, then I kind of want to laugh when I realize that I’ve misunderstood.

    I’ve also been on your side of the fence. Back in the Multiply days, I wrote something about the effects of depression and bullying following news of a then-recent shooting rampage. Someone just so reacted like, “You have friends, that’s why! What about people like us? Don’t you think people like us do not try to reach out? blah, blah, blah.” Of course, I apologized for how the post affected him, but I emphasized re-reading the whole thing because then he’d realize I wasn’t being mean at all and was in fact empathetic and that he didn’t know me either to say things about me and assume I’ve had it easy in my life. Either that shut him up or he didn’t bother to go back anymore.

    The point is sometimes people have this I’m-a-victim mindset that anything that strikes their sensitive cord is cause for instant war. They go into battle without knowing what it is they are going into battle for and if they are attacking enemies or allies.

  8. As I’m now reading the Song of Fire & Ice saga, I suggest you continue with GoT. And a bit of Boppo/other virtual people torture on the side, to lighten things up. 😉


Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out /  Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )


Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: