Barbie in the Real World

I think I’ve mentioned before how much I love dolls.  I loved them as a kid, and I love them now.  My favorite thing to do was to play with Barbie and her house and her furniture and her clothes and her car (shoes suffice if you cannot afford the Corvette) and her red-headed friend Midge who had to get married cause Barbie’s weddings are all dream ones, great ornamental boyfriends with dead zombie eyes, and all those sisters, Skipper (who recently acquired tiny boobs), and Stacie and Kelly who became Chelsea cause I have no idea.  There’s even a baby, except the baby is totally not hers, it’s another little sister.  Even though Barbie’s like at least 25.  Suuuure, Barbie, we totally believe you.  By the way, have you contacted Duke from G.I. Joe for support payments?  Just wondering.

Sure, Barbie, we're all buying it.

Fess up, Barbie.

And therein lies the fun of playing house when you’re older.  You can sneak in all that real-life stuff that goes on behind the dream house.  In other words, you can make Barbie’s life just as dysfunctional as your own.  At least that’s what the girls and I like to do.  I am so glad I had girls so that I can say I’m totally buying this crap for them.  Though, really, why be ashamed?  ES has ponies!  And lots of people collect stuff.  It keeps us young.  And immature.  And for a little while, you forget about your real laundry or real toilet or real job.

I will not go into the number of disturbing pics involving Barbie and the potty.  Suffice it to say, even Barbie poops.

I will not go into the number of disturbing pics I found involving Barbie and the potty. Suffice it to say, even Barbie poops.

Cause Barbie does it all.  I love that they recently gave that chick a washer and a dryer.  She had to have Cinderella come over to show her how to use it.  On the plus side, she loves pink, so not knowing how to sort works out well for her.  And if the clothes are totally wrecked, she just buys more on the credit card she took out in Ken’s name that he doesn’t know about yet.

It is okay to put cats in the washer, right?

It is okay to put cats in the washer, right?

She’s had roughly 300 careers or so, probably cause she is constantly fired once they realize her resume is full of fake stuff like “Totally went to the moon once” and “good with children and zoo animals.”  Still, she manages to keep up appearances by owing about half the national debt and otherwise hitting up various boyfriends for nice presents.  Like Paris Hilton, only Barbie’s not quite so plastic.

That card has got to be hard to carry around in her purse.

That card has got to be hard to carry around in her purse.

One of Barbie’s most recent careers is “Entrepreneur” – she comes with an Ipad, a cellphone, and of course a purse.  My brother snorted and said she couldn’t even spell entrepreneur much less be one, but she also ran for president a while back, and that doesn’t require spelling or even knowledge of geography, so I figure she’ll be just fine.  Maybe she’ll open an account on Etsy and fill it with clothes she ripped off from her friends.  Midge is a married crone now, so she will never miss all the nice stuff she used to wear.

Elect me cause (giggle).

Elect me cause (giggle).

Barbie’s friends come and go, probably because she’s a selfish twit.  On the other hand, she might be sneakier than we know, and have them buried under her dream house.  Now that would be an interesting new career: serial killer.  More realistic than cop (though this would be the best cover-up) or pilot (I would not get on her plane).

Can we get off now, this doesn't look safe.  Moooom, Mommmm!

Can we get off now, this doesn’t look safe. Moooom, Mommmm!

Anyway, since she can’t keep Barbie friends, she hangs with the Disney princesses, cause all those gals are catty.  Sure they look nice in the movies, but you didn’t see when Sleeping Beauty (Aurora) went out with Prince Charming (I saw someone say his name was Adam but I really think it was Charming cause his father was a moron)- there was a nasty fight there.  But as it turned out, it was all a simple mistake.  Aurora was drowsy and those  princes are so hard to tell apart anyway.  So all was forgiven.  After Cinderella let her mice out in Aurora’s castle.

Aurora's gonna pay.

Don’t mess with me, girlfriend.

Anyway, we’ve had some fun playing Life after the Fairy Tale with Barbie and her Princess Posse.  Not that surprising – remember we glittered the crap out of a pony.  Anyway, if you’re feeling down, grab a Barbie and relive your childhood.  Giving her a mohawk is a good first step.

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20 responses

  1. Barbie as the next Dexter. I think you’re on to something…

    1. I did find a rip-off G.I. Joe doll with lots of weapons. I see possibilities.

  2. I had no clue what Barbie can do now. I was impressed as I got a pet doctor Barbie, now she even is the president, wow what a career :o)

    1. Word is that Sarah Palin has been Barbie all along. It makes so much sense now.

  3. I think Barbie already ran for Vice President in 2008.

    1. She does look incredibly familiar . . .

      1. It’s amazing how a little hair dye and glasses change the appearance.

  4. Adults should absolutely be encouraged to play with kids stuff! Give those toys a taste of the real world… where nobody has bright pink toilet seats (I think)….

    1. I dunno – there was that lady on Strange Addictions who wanted to be an actual live Barbie. I bet she has a pink toilet seat.

  5. My Barbies were my bestest friends when I was a girl. In fact, I have a playdate with Whoring Around Barbie at noon.

    1. She hangs with “What did I do last night” Ken.

  6. I was never a doll girl. I preferred writing in my little diaries – plans to over throw the world government – and my teddy bears, who doubled as suicide bombers. Barbies were, in my world, only good for pulling the heads off.

      1. Two words – FUCK YEA!!!

      2. This is not really that far from what generally happens when my kids play Barbies.

  7. I still think there should be a stock trader Barbie – we could follow her career from Business School to the trading floor to the executive floor with the mansion and vast amounts of money and then to criminal investigation and court appreaances to conviction and jail time and finally to disgrace and poverty. The possibilities for accessory sales are huge. You could have little girls (of age and heart) buying everything from stocks and bonds to derivatives to jailhouse attire for a generation. And then they could share them with their kids. How much more real can you get?

    1. Jailbird Barbie. I like it. Of course as a rich criminal, she would get a posh cell. She might even have it painted pink.

  8. I preferred Sindy as a kid. Mainly because her head popped off much more easily. And oddly, when my parents decided they’d get me & my sister a Barbie, my sister got the Barbie and I got the Ken. And yet I don’t seem to remember being desperately upset about this. I’m clearly a strange being, possibly from another planet. This may explain many things…

    1. I liked how you could spin her around with that thing that freakishly came out of her head. I think I may be from your same planet!

      1. Hurrah!!! A fellow citizen!!! *does the secret salute*

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