Worst Commercials

Yes, I know, most commercials are merely annoyances you have to wait through to get to your show.  Unless you’re one of those people who knows how to work Netflix or something and then shut up cause I don’t.  Anyway, every once in a while I take a break from the Internet and watch commercials.  That is, watch commercials with a few minutes of actual programming (this episode of Secret Addictions, some lady puts hamsters in her mouth!) added in here and there.

So all are annoying but some are just . . . so so awful I cannot switch the remote fast enough because THERE IT IS and of course they repeat the worst ones over and over again.  Why?  Do they really think these commercials will make us want to buy their products?  Have you ever bought anything based on a commercial?  Like, say, those stupid bears talk about how the toilet paper totally doesn’t stick to their furry butts so you say “HEY, I must get toilet paper.”  Whatever brand that was, because by now you’ve forgotten because you  just saw cartoon bears merrily discussing bodily emissions.

I just . . . don't . . . whyyyy?

I just . . . don’t . . . whyyyy?

I just picked ten of the worst ones I can think of off the top of my head.  Get ready.

1. The Halos Oranges commercial

I actually like oranges, but this commercial makes me want to slap children.  Specifically the ones who are snatching oranges away from their parents’ hands and mouthing off because these oranges are for KIDS, not parents.  Well, by golly, Suzie, guess who bought those oranges?  MOM.  And Mom’s gonna lock you down in the basement for a little quality time with a wolverine while she eats every single one.  Deal.

2. Blah blah insurance.

I hate insurance commercials.  Like that one for State Farm where the guy pops in out of thin air to solve whatever problem the person has immediately?  Even if it’s saving people from wild animals?  If you think this insurance is so great, try calling these people when you’re being chased by a wild hyenas.  They’ll get back to you, your call is very important.

Then there’s Flo.  I know some people like her perky little psychotic smile, but I don’t.  She is way, way too obsessed with insurance, and probably needs to be institutionalized before someone gets hurt for trying to buy State Farm instead of Progressive and call on the State Farm people to save them and she KILLS THEM ALL and wait, maybe that could end those commercials for good.

Just leave the Gecko.  He’s the most tolerable, and I’m pretty sure I could smash him into the ground if he bugged me too much.

I'm INSANE yet some weirdos think I'm hot.  No really!

I’m INSANE yet some weirdos think I’m hot. No really!

3. Lawyer commercials

Have you had bladder sling, pelvic mesh, gotten man boobies, had a child who didn’t make straight As, used any sort of medication, had any surgery, or even simply driven by a doctor’s office in the last year?  Then you can sue!  We’ll help by taking most of the settlement, saying it ever arrives.  Also, have fun explaining to junior what pelvic mesh and E.D. mean.

Pretty sure if you're hit by the semi, your problems are over.

Pretty sure if you’re hit by the semi, your problems are over.

4. Pill popping commercials

I am so freaking happy they let people advertise random drugs on TV, because your average viewer is totally qualified to go tell their doctors what drugs they need.  No cigarette advertisements allowed except the ones with the people with voice boxes croaking about how their lives are over which will effect no one but people who don’t smoke anyway, but hey, why not advertise a product that directly says its possible side effect is DEATH while showing people merrily dancing around having fun.  Try closing your eyes and listening to the side effects or just watching the commercial with no sound.  One of these things is not like the other.  I don’t care how happy that woman looks, she’s ten seconds away from possible cardiac arrest and explosive diarrhea.

Side effects?  Um, well, we guarantee your kid won't have teething problems anymore!

Side effects? Um, well, we guarantee your kid won’t have teething problems anymore!

5. Cleaning product commercials

You know what I love?  How even in 2014 most cleaning product commercials not only appear during shows women supposedly watch, but they also primarily show women ecstatic about crap like a Swiffer sweeper.  The only time I am excited about cleaning products is when someone else is using them.  I especially love the one with the sweet old couple where the man says “I don’t clean” and grins and I want the old lady to shove the swiffer right up his . . . moving on.

Cleaning products are for children who won't share oranges.

Cleaning products are for children who won’t share oranges.

6. Commercials for other “feminine” products

It’s really hard to advertise something like this without upping the gross factor.  So better to show how they work by using blue liquid like they do in diaper commercials.  Or simply ignoring the entire thing and showing women who are suddenly free and able to sky dive and stuff because of a certain tampon.  I especially like the one where the mannequins come to life.  So that’s what happened with Kim Cattrall in Mannequin!

Well, it's off to the drug store!

Well, it’s off to the drug store!

7.  That Fiat commercial

I dislike car commercials in general (sometimes it takes the entire commercial to realize a car is involved) but the latest Fiat one is the worst.  Who thought employing Peter Gabriel’s Sledgehammer technique would be a good idea.  When I see that car bounce back and forth from big to small and drive around that guys head to that quirky music I feel like I’m going to have a seizure.  Thanks, Fiat.

This one does not have Mr. Crew Cut but it’s even stupider.  It’s like an endlessly blinking gif, and you know how I love those.

8. Local yokel commercials

If regular commercials, designed my advertisers paid millions for their “expertise” often stink, then you can only imagine how wonderful the ones done with a home video camera and Bob “Corky” Johnson are.  They often involve sickening camera angles, horrific acting, and the shameless exploitation of small children related to the owner.  I mean, little Suzie says I should buy that car – who can’t trust an 8 year old eating oranges?  I’m sold!

Daddy says buy a Fiat!  Where's my new cell phone?

Daddy says buy a Fiat! Where’s my new cell phone?

9. Political commercials

Hi, I’m Jim Everyman Esquire and I understand the needs of your average Joe.  Why I once sent one of my servants to a grocery store!  I love babies, animals, and wildlife  unless any of these are in the way of new building projects.  I think we should help the rich, who are at the mercy of the poor who demand stuff like living wages and fifteen minute breaks and birth control for their wild parties.  I believe in Jesus who said follow me and carry a big automatic weapon.  Oh, and by the way, my opponent, Bob Wimpwagon, is the Devil.  This commercial approved by Jim Everyman Esquire.

Batman and Robin 2016!

Batman and Robin 2016!

And now I saved the worst for last.

10. Sad Puppy shelter commercials

You know the ones.  The poor little dogs with those impossibly sad eyes staring at you through the bars of their cages while Sarah McLachlan plays in the background and just off screen, somebody holds a gun to the puppy’s head.  What did they do to these dogs to make them so sad?  Did they force them to watch that one scene in Old Yeller over and and over?  And why, with all her money, doesn’t Sarah go save the puppies?  She could do it. I don’t have enough room in my backyard for more than a dozen, which is over code (though you can have over a dozen children – go figure).  But – for goodness sakes, don’t shoot the doggie!

He didn't MEAN IT.  Noooo pupppppyyyyy!

He didn’t MEAN IT. Noooo pupppppyyyyy!

Seriously, I cannot watch more than two seconds of that commercial without diving for the remote or heading for cover.  Too many of these things, and I may just start buying all the drugs advertised on TV and popping them like candy.

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17 responses

  1. I hate insurance commercials too. Currently we have one where they shoot on a guy in a forest, miss him and the punchline is, you should be insured at “whatever-happens-inc”… that’s such a nonsense, what shall I do with the money I will get when I’m dead?… I would like to give the halo kid a bitchslap too… or an asskick…

    1. Shooting a guy in the forest. Who thinks up these commercials? Was Dick Cheney in that commercial? I bet he was like those halo kids as a child.

      1. he can make the same face like this boy hahaha

  2. The dog commercials make me sad. Like, cover my head with a blanket until it’s over sad.
    Flo isn’t so bad, I guess. She has nice hair.

    1. Nice hair for a psycho. I bet she tortures puppies in her spare time.

  3. Glad I’m not the only one to find Flo annoying. But I rarely watch commercials. I DVR everything. Now it’s like an affront to me if I watch something real time and have to see a commercial. Oh how spoiled I’ve become in this age of technology.

    1. By the time I understand DVRs there will be something else – like maybe the literal disintegration of people making commercials. That would be neat.

  4. I lost all respect for Sarah Mac when she sold out to the ASPCA.

    1. I have more respect for the puppies than Sarah Mac.

  5. Excellent post Alice – Love it and so true. There are, however, some very, very well done commercials, most of them banned for various reasons. Allow me to give you a taste. We studied this shit in uni and had a lot of fun with some of them. For those who like to lift the occassional pint and hate large men with guns that shoot at defenseless little birds, there is this one: http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=JpLrWaZcatk It is currently banned.

    I have some more stored, I’ll go see if i can find them.

    1. I like the one where the dad screws with the little Vader boy’s mind and lets him think he really has the force and can use it to open car doors. Also the old lady who doesn’t understand facebook walls. For some reason I just like her style. “That’s not how it works.” “I unfriend you.”

  6. I was in the break room at work last night, minding my own business, when all of a sudden one of those medication lawsuit commercials came on, and it was for one of the meds I took a few months ago! Death was listed as one of the reasons they are suing, though they seemed to be more focused on (I’m dead serious) diarrhea as the main horrific reaction to this medicine. So if I should disappear from WP for a while, I have either died, or I am on the pot. Can you get me another roll of that Charmin that won’t stick to my ass, please?

  7. Don’t forget the ones with the crying starving kids. Those are even worse. D:

  8. While I agree with ALL of your examples…the bratty kid who mouths to the parent for eating HIS oranges…is the worst.

    “Well, by golly, Suzie, guess who bought those oranges? MOM.”

    Uh…exactly! And if you happen to venture onto the shows that play on the Disney Channel, they all include lovely families or step-families who live in the upper class neighborhoods of cities like Pasadena, CA or Denver, CO, yet the children do nothing but try to deceive, connive and manipulate their parents, then when the parents figure it out…it’s all laughter and dancing at how smart the kid was, even if he didn’t get away with it. Hello! The kid is a pathological LIAR…yes, let’s make sure we promote being a liar to all the impressionable tweens watching the Disney Channel.

    Ugh…and the last time my kid said to me “why do you want to see the games I put on MY tablet” I answer with:
    1) It is not YOUR tablet, nor will it ever be because I paid the $300+ for it to be in your hot little hands and
    2) Since it was bought with MY money, I have the full right to inspect all parts, apps and elements of said tablet.
    Try to push me away from it again and see how long you can last without it!

    1. Ha! Yes, exactly! I HATE the Disney Channel, also Nick, because those kids are so gawdawful. Even my kids have noticed that the parents are kinda pushover idiots. Um, YES. Yet they still watch it. If I could ban those shows for sheer stupidity (nevermind the horrible body image messages, stereotypes, etc) I so would. Of course growing up we didn’t have that, we had Full House which was . . . oh crap, nevermind.

  9. You wrote:

    “every once in a while I take a break from the Internet and watch commercials”

    My translation:

    “I occasionally start poking both of my eyes out with my index fingers, just because”

    The only reason I pay exorbitant prices for our DVR box is to avoid poking my eyes out with my index fingers. You should hear the groans, moaning, and complaining that ensue when the taped section collides with live feed. You’d think the world had come to an end – wait, what? The world didn’t come to an end??

    BUT, my ‘favorite’ (read dripping sarcasm from this word indicating LEAST favorite) is the one where every person is dancing and partying while the teenager tells the story of being in a car accident (oops, she left out the part where she was sexting while driving…) and sues for a couple mil. All she does now is party all day & night long! It makes me real mad because I realize this could be ME! I could cause a terrible accident and then sue everyone involved!! Then I wouldn’t have to work another day in my life! (I somehow doubt the multiple surgeries would leave me looking 17). *roll eyes*

  10. May I leave you with some slightly better commercials?

    and

    I agree, any commercial from a firm of lawyers saying they can sue the pants of anyone for you should be banned. As should car adverts which don’t show the car. And I too hate any advert showing animal or child cruelty.

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