Yes, I know, most commercials are merely annoyances you have to wait through to get to your show. Unless you’re one of those people who knows how to work Netflix or something and then shut up cause I don’t. Anyway, every once in a while I take a break from the Internet and watch commercials. That is, watch commercials with a few minutes of actual programming (this episode of Secret Addictions, some lady puts hamsters in her mouth!) added in here and there.
So all are annoying but some are just . . . so so awful I cannot switch the remote fast enough because THERE IT IS and of course they repeat the worst ones over and over again. Why? Do they really think these commercials will make us want to buy their products? Have you ever bought anything based on a commercial? Like, say, those stupid bears talk about how the toilet paper totally doesn’t stick to their furry butts so you say “HEY, I must get toilet paper.” Whatever brand that was, because by now you’ve forgotten because you just saw cartoon bears merrily discussing bodily emissions.
I just picked ten of the worst ones I can think of off the top of my head. Get ready.
1. The Halos Oranges commercial
I actually like oranges, but this commercial makes me want to slap children. Specifically the ones who are snatching oranges away from their parents’ hands and mouthing off because these oranges are for KIDS, not parents. Well, by golly, Suzie, guess who bought those oranges? MOM. And Mom’s gonna lock you down in the basement for a little quality time with a wolverine while she eats every single one. Deal.
2. Blah blah insurance.
I hate insurance commercials. Like that one for State Farm where the guy pops in out of thin air to solve whatever problem the person has immediately? Even if it’s saving people from wild animals? If you think this insurance is so great, try calling these people when you’re being chased by a wild hyenas. They’ll get back to you, your call is very important.
Then there’s Flo. I know some people like her perky little psychotic smile, but I don’t. She is way, way too obsessed with insurance, and probably needs to be institutionalized before someone gets hurt for trying to buy State Farm instead of Progressive and call on the State Farm people to save them and she KILLS THEM ALL and wait, maybe that could end those commercials for good.
Just leave the Gecko. He’s the most tolerable, and I’m pretty sure I could smash him into the ground if he bugged me too much.
3. Lawyer commercials
Have you had bladder sling, pelvic mesh, gotten man boobies, had a child who didn’t make straight As, used any sort of medication, had any surgery, or even simply driven by a doctor’s office in the last year? Then you can sue! We’ll help by taking most of the settlement, saying it ever arrives. Also, have fun explaining to junior what pelvic mesh and E.D. mean.
4. Pill popping commercials
I am so freaking happy they let people advertise random drugs on TV, because your average viewer is totally qualified to go tell their doctors what drugs they need. No cigarette advertisements allowed except the ones with the people with voice boxes croaking about how their lives are over which will effect no one but people who don’t smoke anyway, but hey, why not advertise a product that directly says its possible side effect is DEATH while showing people merrily dancing around having fun. Try closing your eyes and listening to the side effects or just watching the commercial with no sound. One of these things is not like the other. I don’t care how happy that woman looks, she’s ten seconds away from possible cardiac arrest and explosive diarrhea.
5. Cleaning product commercials
You know what I love? How even in 2014 most cleaning product commercials not only appear during shows women supposedly watch, but they also primarily show women ecstatic about crap like a Swiffer sweeper. The only time I am excited about cleaning products is when someone else is using them. I especially love the one with the sweet old couple where the man says “I don’t clean” and grins and I want the old lady to shove the swiffer right up his . . . moving on.
6. Commercials for other “feminine” products
It’s really hard to advertise something like this without upping the gross factor. So better to show how they work by using blue liquid like they do in diaper commercials. Or simply ignoring the entire thing and showing women who are suddenly free and able to sky dive and stuff because of a certain tampon. I especially like the one where the mannequins come to life. So that’s what happened with Kim Cattrall in Mannequin!
7. That Fiat commercial
I dislike car commercials in general (sometimes it takes the entire commercial to realize a car is involved) but the latest Fiat one is the worst. Who thought employing Peter Gabriel’s Sledgehammer technique would be a good idea. When I see that car bounce back and forth from big to small and drive around that guys head to that quirky music I feel like I’m going to have a seizure. Thanks, Fiat.
This one does not have Mr. Crew Cut but it’s even stupider. It’s like an endlessly blinking gif, and you know how I love those.
8. Local yokel commercials
If regular commercials, designed my advertisers paid millions for their “expertise” often stink, then you can only imagine how wonderful the ones done with a home video camera and Bob “Corky” Johnson are. They often involve sickening camera angles, horrific acting, and the shameless exploitation of small children related to the owner. I mean, little Suzie says I should buy that car – who can’t trust an 8 year old eating oranges? I’m sold!
9. Political commercials
Hi, I’m Jim Everyman Esquire and I understand the needs of your average Joe. Why I once sent one of my servants to a grocery store! I love babies, animals, and wildlife unless any of these are in the way of new building projects. I think we should help the rich, who are at the mercy of the poor who demand stuff like living wages and fifteen minute breaks and birth control for their wild parties. I believe in Jesus who said follow me and carry a big automatic weapon. Oh, and by the way, my opponent, Bob Wimpwagon, is the Devil. This commercial approved by Jim Everyman Esquire.
And now I saved the worst for last.
10. Sad Puppy shelter commercials
You know the ones. The poor little dogs with those impossibly sad eyes staring at you through the bars of their cages while Sarah McLachlan plays in the background and just off screen, somebody holds a gun to the puppy’s head. What did they do to these dogs to make them so sad? Did they force them to watch that one scene in Old Yeller over and and over? And why, with all her money, doesn’t Sarah go save the puppies? She could do it. I don’t have enough room in my backyard for more than a dozen, which is over code (though you can have over a dozen children – go figure). But – for goodness sakes, don’t shoot the doggie!
Seriously, I cannot watch more than two seconds of that commercial without diving for the remote or heading for cover. Too many of these things, and I may just start buying all the drugs advertised on TV and popping them like candy.