More Bad Poetry (now with literary criticism!)

“Writing poetry is like making an awesome dessert. There’s a fine line between just enough sugar and diabetic coma.” – Mental Mama

poetry 2

I got a lot of interest in the Bad Poetry Society post, by which I mean more than three people responded!  Woot!  We even have two of our board positions filled.  Queen: Me, Alice because I made it up and Grand Wizard: Goldfish cause she has it on her resume.  Every poetry society needs a wizard.  I would like to give Merbear a position as well for the inspiration, but I’ll have to let her choose.  I’m thinking maybe Chief Unicorn or something.  Note: As Queen of this society, I am also Chief Literary Critic which is even MORE pretentious than the most pretentious poet, so this should be great fun. 

Sometimes it's just a whale, critics.

Sometimes it’s just a whale, critics.

Several of you gave some awesome poetry entries.  These are totally deserving of a badge, or possibly something even better like a shirt from ES’s shop!*  Observe!

My dog likes to poo
I drink Mountain dew
Then I use the loo
Would you like fries with that?

Merbear  (future Chief Unicorn?)

The Queen speaks:

Merbear’s poem involves animal bodily functions, a toilet, a death defying drink, and McDonald’s.  I think what she’s trying to say here is that life is poo, and then you work in food service.

With Ronald.

With Ronald.


I don’t like salad
But love the roughage
Kale is fine
But kind of toughage


The Queen speaks:

Ross’s poem is a passionate argument against vegetarianism, for man was not meant to eat plants because toughage.


How do I love thee?
Let me barf the ways
Your flaxen hair shines in the glow of the street lights
When we make out in the back of my Chevy
What do you mean it was my responsibility to get condoms?
Lousy bastard

-Mental Mama

That poetry was like, so deep.  It's almost like I have a mind of my own when I read it!

That poetry was like, so deep. It’s almost like I have a mind of my own when I read it!

The Queen speaks:

This poem is reminiscent of many of the Great Writers I was forced to read in English, like Hemingway and Faulkner, in that it is partially unintelligible yet misogynistic, and full of fantastical visuals (flaxen, glow, barf) yet based in gritty reality (condoms, bastard, Chevy).


Roses are red
Violets are blue
This poem’s so bad
I’m not even going to finish it.

List of X

The Queen Speaks:

One would call this poem “like so done before” but List of X turns it on its head by adding the irreverent “I’m not even going to finish it.”  This shows he is above this stinking poetry, and should propel him to poetry fame in no time.

Mer’s dog likes to poo
that is so ewwww
I don’t like mountain dew
I think I’d like chicken broth
I’d have to think about the sloth


Hey, woman, go get me another Dew! from

Hey, woman, go get me another Dew!

The Queen Speaks:

Clearly this poem is full of deep . . . meaning.  It’s obvious that by referencing broth, mountain dew, sloth, and dog poo, he is referring to your average lazy American who sloths on the sofa ignoring the dog poo while eating heated Campbells soup, drinking Dew, and yelling at people on reality shows.  It’s a slice of American life, like a literary Norman Rockwell.  Or he’s just stoned.

Looks like we have an excellent group going for a possible Bad Poetry Slam.  Now for more bad poetry tips (again feel free to add your own)

6. Forced Rhyme

Ross demonstrated the  forced rhyme (roughage / toughage).  It’s that word a poet is determined to fit in a  poem even if it just kind of sounds like the other word, or is the same word, or is a made up word.  Poetry is toughage, guys.

And one more I just thought of, that kind of goes along with twisty straw poems

Pretty handwriting and a flower make anything good!

Pretty handwriting and a flower make anything good!

7. Pretty colors, fonts, italics, wing-dings!

These always add to the poetry, especially if you also print it on a pretty meme or paper.  It works for prose as well.  I once had a student who printed his narrative about death and rape in blood red font.  He sure made an impression on me!

Remember to continue to add your own poetry peeves and/or poetry samplings in the comments or a post of your own!  I will post them for all to see!  Also let me know if you want to be on the Poetry Board and what position.

* ES has no idea about his shirt give-a-way.  But wouldn’t that be a nice gesture?



22 responses

  1. I would be honored to be Chief Unicorn.

    1. Awesome! We now have a Chief Unicorn. What other positions should be on the board? Vice-Queen, Head Fairy Butt, up, down? Hmm.

  2. You should be and always remain Queen Alice.

    1. Someone who recognizes my royal authority! You should get an excellent position on the Bad Poetry Board. As soon as I think one up.

  3. What? Giveaway? Huh? What???

    If I was talented enough to write bad poetry, I could be making millions on the coffeehouse circuit! Instead, I didn’t even know roughage and toughage rhymed… so I just sit here and draw shitty pictures. Shitty artwork is almost as special a talent as being a bad poet…

    Actually, with that being said, I’d like to nominate this entire comment as an example of brilliant free verse. I’ll await my crowning as bad poet laureate…

    1. I only said it would be a nice GESTURE, although you are free to make your own, of course. 🙂

      And you are SO RIGHT. I mean I draw pictures too and like, no one cares. Maybe they aren’t bad enough? I think that’s your problem with your art work. Lower your standards. Ugly seems to be in if Spongebob’s success is any indication.

      I also like your free verse there, though it could do with a few more wing dings and a flower in the background. And Bad Poet Laureate! I love it. That is like the perfect award. BTW, did you know they actually have one of those like every year? I didn’t until I had to keep up with the ones in Texas for work and YAWN I mean how interesting!

  4. These poems should be put into an anthology. Such lyrical prose and depth to them. Brought tears to my eyes…

    1. This would totally make the best anthology ever, and since you are a published writer, I’m sure you can get us all an in with the publishin’ biz. All we have to do is like write Robert Frost as editor or something and it will sell for sure. I bet most people don’t realize he’s dead.

  5. Holy fucking hell, you quoted me! I don’t think I’ve ever been quoted before. I may have to love you forever. 😉

    1. I may have to let you! It was the best description of poetry I’d heard in a while.

  6. I have no words (rhyming or not) to describe how hard this made me laugh. Thanks!

    1. Thanks, jaded! I love to make people laugh until they have to take a bath! Cause pee, you know. Or something.

      1. I’m laughing in the shower as the water spanks me, the tears roll down my face. Another stream flows down my leg and in this multitude of glad I’m laughing in the shower.

        Sorry, had to…at least feces pieces weren’t involved.

  7. As the orthopedic surgeon said, “Hip, hip hooray!”

    1. Good look with your poem, doctor! Break a leg!

      1. I am actually writing bad poetry tonight, coincidental to this post. It’s about needlessly loud cars.

        1. I cannot wait to read it. I might tailgate you.

  8. So, umm, does this make me a published poet?

    1. Totally. Now you have to do a top ten list about great political poets. Try listening to a few of George W. Bush’s speeches for ideas. Also Sarah Palin. They would make an incredible duo.

  9. A poem by Snort:

    Poem, poem, poem, star!
    Star guard!


    Twinkle, twinkle, little star–package!

    And another:

    Arrows point!
    Point men!
    Mail truck!

    1. I am still dying laughing over his poetry. More, more, mail truck!

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