Even More Bad Poetry!

Bad bad pooems

They speak to meeeeee

They are so awful-like

I’m not really Jamaaaican.

– from “Bad, Bad Poems” by UB Kidding

Our poems are on fiiiiirrrrre!

Our poems are on fiiiiirrrrre!

Hello, fellow poemsters!  I thought you might like an update on the ever-growing, hissing at your feet Bad Poetry Society.

1. We now have four official board members!

Alice (Queen and Chief Literary Critic)

Goldfish (Grand Wizard of Poetry)

Merbear (Chief Unicorn)

Paul (Duke Air Jordan)

In case you were wondering, Paul’s job involves pumping up my self-esteem, cause it is always someone else’s job to make me happy.  And Merbear’s job is to sparkle, which she does most excellently.  Heck, she even toots rainbows, just ask.

Our Bad Poetry Society Board

Our Bad Poetry Society Board

2. More Poems to Make You Cry (for so many reasons)

We have more poetry for the upcoming anthology soon to be self-published on Smashwords or something.  I think we should charge 1,000 dollars for it.  Heeeeere we go!

What? Giveaway? Huh? What???

If I was talented enough to write bad poetry,I could be making millions on the coffeehouse circuit! Instead, I didn’t even know roughage and toughage rhymed… so I just sit here and draw shitty pictures. Shitty artwork is almost as special a talent as being a bad poet…

ES (Evil Squirrel)

The Queen Speaks!

ES nominated this as an example of free verse deserving of a Poet Laureate award.  I definitely think we need a Poet Laureate at the end of this fer sure.  And this is as much like poetry as a lot of free verse I read, except for the lack of line spacing and wing dings.  Definitely needs more wing dings.

This squirrel is on fiiiiiirrrre!

This squirrel is on fiiiiiirrrre!

I’m laughing in the shower as the water spanks me,

the tears roll down my face. Another stream

flows down my leg and in this multitude of liquids..

so glad I’m laughing in the shower.

-Jaded

The Queen Speaks

What I most love about this poem is the use of personification!  The image of water spanking someone is like . . . something EL James would write if she had that much imagination.  Also there’s all that flow – tears, pee, water, multitude of liquids . . . the visuals are simply amazing.

If you must read these poems, please do so in the bathtub or shower.

If you must read these poems, please do so in the bathtub or shower.

Next we have a group of poems by an up and coming artist, my pal Ravin’s three-year-old, Snort.

Poem, poem, poem, star!
Star guard!

Another:

Twinkle, twinkle, little star–package!

And another:

Arrows point!
Point men!
Poem,
Mail truck!

– contributed by Ravinj

Sometimes poetry is just too profound.

Sometimes poetry is just too profound.

The Queen Speaks:

I love these poems so much I have a multitude of liquids.

Next!

Not to be outdone in the kid circuit, Thing Two added her own poem.

Miley Cyrus and Justin Bieber
Twerkin’ in the Moonlit Sun,
Working that Twerking
Until the evening is done.

-Thing Two

Miley Cyrus: Pre-twerking days.

Miley Cyrus: Pre-twerking days.

The Queen Speaks!

Way to get the pop-cultural references in there, my child.  There are clearly not enough poems about twerking.  Or either of those two morons.

And finally . . .

3. Another poetry tip!

SEE, Haley is not the only one with great tips.

SEE, Haley is not the only one with great tips.

METAPHORIC!

Metaphors and Similes are great, but can be overused and sometimes just a tad ridiculous and over-the-top.  Sort of like the exclamation point!!!  Example:

My heart bleeds like a wounded soldier

Who fought the female dog (get it?) of war

In the war of love, tearing at my heart and getting it

All over the carpet like a red, pulpy, cherry slurpy.

Ouch!!!!!!

Nom, nom, nom

Nom, nom, nom

Welp, folks, that’s enough pretentiousness for one evening!  I really wanted to hand out a badge or badges, but I’m having too much fun – er I mean there are still voices, yearning to break free, licking at the fire of stardom!  So please, continue to contribute!!!!!!!  Remember everybody is a winner at bad poetry.

Queen Alice

 

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18 responses

  1. Here’s one for the next post:
    I poof rainbows
    Or so I’m told
    Like a bag of Skittles
    Shit, I’m getting old

    1. Who doesn’t understand pooping skittles when you’re old? Have you tried Miralax. That stuff works a little too well. Or so um people have told me.

  2. I’m honored to be a Grand Wizard of Bad Poetry.

    Trees sag heavily in the waning light
    like an old woman’s boobs without a bra.
    The moon spits like a water sprite
    Under the sky, an angel laid an egg. Pshaw.

    1. You know I was just thinking, “Hey, we have not had a post with boobs in it yet”. Yay, Goldfish to the rescue! I also like “pshaw”. Awesome.

      1. I needed something to rhyme with bra. 🙂

  3. BeleagueredServant | Reply

    There once was an Internet verser
    Whose poetry only grew worser
    His work ran its course
    Until reader’s remorse
    Gave each PC screen one extra curser

    1. Ohhhh I think I know a verser like that, and yes my curser works well.

  4. Haha…laughed so hard i got a cramp, gotta run, my pants are damp…*sprints to my new pink toilet…*

    1. That was just a comment…doesn’t need to go in the next post. Thanks for the laughs!

      1. That’s too bad, I liked that poem. Speaking of pink toilets, maybe I will get a Hello Kitty cover for mine. Then I can kind of feel like I’m pooping on Hello Kitty.

        1. Hello Kitty…Eat my Shitty…that could be the infommercial. Buy one for 9.99 and get one free…because you’ll need it.

  5. I do feel I should make a contribution of my own.

    Cold Season

    Drip, drip, drip…
    The shower, or my nose?
    Maybe Nyquil will help me doze!
    (This blows)

    Drip, drip, drip.
    Rain in the kitchen,
    At times like these I’m VERY glad we rent.
    Sniffle.
    This blows.

    1. This is brilliant. You even used product placement. Maybe you can do commercials where you dramatically flail around moaning like a demented fish whilst humming your poem.

  6. When I saw that picture of Miley Cyrus, I thought at first that the Hannah Montana side was Justin Bieber. Awesomeness.

    1. It could totally be Justin Bieber. Pretty sure he still hasn’t reached puberty.

  7. I should try to write some verse
    To prevent Queen Alice from getting terse
    But I know I’ll only come out with crap
    So maybe I’ll not bother and instead take a nap
    Once I’ve put the donkeys to bed

    1. I love it. Do the donkeys sleep with the nuns in a barn so it can be more like the story of Jesus with the lambs and whatnot all around the mom and baby? Poor Mary, that would have to suck. Wait, I’m getting off track. Great poem. Definitely going in the anthology.

      1. They have their own donkey shed. The nuns have separate places to sleep. Gone are the days of sharing rooms, thank goodness!

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